“It’s cool,” Jason said. “I’ll give her a call sometime.”
“Okay.” Greg pointed to the house. “Is Ben inside?”
“Yeah. Go on in.”
Once they were alone, Jason shook his head. “What is it with your dad and Tim? Shouldn’t they be eager to talk cars or something boring like that?”
Emma rolled her eyes. “When Jace died, Dad took it hard. He and Jace were best friends their entire lives. Even though years went by before Ben got back with Tim, it was like Dad finally found someone to blame. It’s ridiculous, and he mostly kept it to himself until there was a grill party here and he and Tim were both drinking. Alcohol makes dumb people dumber, so before you know it, they were fist-fighting.”
“No shit?” Jason said. “That’s horrible!”
“Yeah.”
“So, uh… Who won?”
Emma raised an eyebrow. “Ben. He shoved himself between them and stopped them dead in their tracks with a stare. The only time Tim wears the pants in their relationship is when Ben lets him borrow them.”
Jason laughed and shook his head. “I hope they get over it someday. Tim and Greg have a lot in common.”
“I know.” Emma peered at him. “How are you doing?”
“Ever see that Indiana Jones movie with the Voodoo priest who rips out people’s hearts?”
“No,” Emma said, “but I get the picture. Do you hate William now?”
“No!” Jason said. “I’m in love with him.”
Emma scrunched up her face. “He left you to go build a life for himself and wouldn’t give a long-distance relationship a try.”
“That’s right.”
“And you still love him?”
“More than ever.”
“Wow.” Emma looked taken aback as she exhaled. “I hope Bonnie never leaves me. Speaking of which, youth group meeting tomorrow.”
Jason groaned. “I’m not going.”
“You have to! Dad says I’m here to see family, not run around with some girl. I’m so not happy I came out of the closet.”
Jason smiled. “Yes you are.”
“Anyway, he’s in there right now, telling Ben I’m supposed to stay close to home. I just know it. But if you want to go to group, and I also want to, then that’s spending time with family, right?”
Jason shook his head, but he understood. He’d give just about anything to see William right now, or even to hear from him. He hadn’t received any text messages since the one saying he’d arrived. Maybe William wasn’t allowed to have his phone, or perhaps he just didn’t have time. Regardless, Jason hoped that William thought of him sometimes. Maybe just before he fell asleep or when he woke up in the morning. Just for a moment every day. That would be enough.
“Please?” Emma prompted.
Jason smiled. “Okay.”
* * * * *
“Understanding where another person is coming from,” Keith said, “can resolve almost any conflict. Or it can help you form friendships, make connections, get a job, close sales—anything, really. It’s a powerful tool, so I want you to partner up with someone you don’t know very well and change that.”
Emma hopped to her feet, running across the church meeting room to Bonnie. Keith didn’t seem to know about their relationship, so this went unchallenged. Jason had the same instinct. He’d rather hang out with a friend, but Emma and Bonnie being together eliminated the two people he knew. Not counting Kelly, of course. Jason had been surprised to see him in attendance, and not pleasantly so, since Kelly had spent most of the meeting staring at him. He was doing so right now, in fact, as he moved toward Jason with purpose. People got out of his way as his crutches helped bring him near.
“Want to be partners?” Kelly asked, sitting down next to Jason instead of waiting for an answer. He glanced around the room as everyone else paired up. “Although I think I know where you’re coming from already.”
“Do you?” Jason asked, waiting for the inevitable insult.
“Yes. After all, we both loved the same man, and he left us to go become a hero or whatever. I’m guessing you still love him as much as I do.”
“Guilty as charged,” Jason said.
Kelly nodded, looking him up and down and no doubt seeing how tense he was. “I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. William and me breaking up was the right thing to do. We didn’t make each other happy. All we did was fight. Did you two ever argue?”
“Not really,” Jason said, “but then we weren’t together that long.”
Kelly’s smile was sly. “The first time William and I met was an argument. That should have been a warning sign.”
“I didn’t want you to get hurt,” Jason blurted out. “I’m not saying I didn’t think some evil thoughts about you, but I was only following my heart. Ideally you wouldn’t have been in the picture at all, if that makes sense.”
Kelly considered him and nodded. “Ideally he and I would have broken up that day instead of us getting in a car crash. I assume he told you about that?”
“Yeah,” Jason said. He resisted saying he was sorry, feeling Kelly wouldn’t want his pity. Perhaps he was wrong, since Kelly seemed to be waiting for those very words. When they didn’t come, he nodded appreciatively and spoke again.
“I don’t know about you, but I haven’t got a clue what to do with myself anymore. There’s an entire summer before college, and without William, the world feels empty. I feel empty. When I lost my leg, I needed a long time to get over missing a piece of myself. How I feel right now isn’t so different.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself,” Jason said. “I keep wishing I had some of William saved up somehow. Maybe videos where all he does is look at the camera and talk. That way I could pretend we were having a conversation. I don’t even have photos. I think the ones from prom got lost in the mail.” Even the newspaper clippings were gone, Jason deciding to throw them away rather than risk William discovering them by accident.
“Here,” Kelly said, taking out his phone. “Give me your number and I’ll hook you up.”
Jason did, tensing up again because he didn’t want to see photos of Kelly and William sharing happy moments. Jason’s heart wasn’t that open. Perhaps Kelly understood this, because every photo he sent was of one person alone: William concentrating at the edge of a pool, about to dive. William laughing in front of a birthday cake. William in bed, still asleep in the early morning light.
Jason wiped at the tears in his eyes. “Thanks,” he managed to croak.
Kelly nodded. “These are just the ones from my phone. I used to take real photos all the time. Sort of a hobby of mine. Give me your email address and I’ll send you some.”
Jason recited it so Kelly could type it in. Afterwards, he set the phone aside and took a deep breath. “Like I said, it’s a long summer. I know I’ve been a bitch to you, but maybe we can hang out sometime. That way I can prove I’m not so bad after all.”
Jason was so surprised by the offer that he nodded. They talked then, for a while, mostly about William. Jason got to see a side of Kelly that was softer, the person William had probably fallen in love with so long ago. Too bad it took them falling apart for it to resurface.
The group meeting was coming to an end. Jason was looking at the photos of William on his phone again when he decided to give something back. “You ever think about turning that camera on yourself?”
“Me?” Kelly asked.
“Yeah,” Jason said. “Professionally.”
Kelly didn’t have any false humility about his appearance so he wasn’t shocked by the suggestion, but something was holding him back. “I’m pretty sure having a full set of limbs is required if you want to be a model.”
Jason shook his head, summoning up Marcello’s number on his phone. “Talk to this guy for a minute, and he’ll happily prove you wrong.”
* * * * *
That his friends were succeeding was a good thing. Wasn’t it? Jason thought so most of the time, but their hap
piness meant he felt even more alone. Emma and Bonnie’s romance was its own rollercoaster, one both girls kept eagerly returning to ride. For most of the summer, Emma found excuses or schemes so that she and Bonnie could be together. Jason didn’t blame her in the slightest, wanting nothing more than to be tangled up in a love affair again, but he only really wanted to be with one person, and that person was gone.
As for Kelly, modeling was a new lease on life for him, and a mixed blessing for Marcello, who was thrilled with the reaction to Kelly’s photos but less than enamored by what a handful his new star model could be. Jason hung out with Kelly on occasion, but that happened less and less frequently. The only thing they really had in common was William, and Kelly was starting to put that relationship behind him.
Ben and Tim were always there, at least. Jason wasn’t abandoned by any means, but the world still felt a lonelier place without William. Time crawled by. At this rate, four years would be an eternity. So it was by no accident that Jason found himself, on a slow day at work, heading over to the pet adoptions area. Barbara was looking frazzled as usual as she sized him up to see if he had a particular weakness for any of the animals.
“Still can’t take any home,” Jason said. “But this dog looks like he could use a walk. And maybe we could do a meet-and-greet event out in the parking lot where kids can interact with the dogs. Sort of like a petting zoo. The dogs will love it, and maybe it’ll help form some bonds.”
“I’m too busy scooping litter boxes to worry about such things,” Barbara said with a gleam in her eye.
Jason smiled. “I can help with that too.”
“Have any experience?” Barbara teased.
“Shoveling shit?” Jason asked. “A little. How much does this job pay?”
“Not a dime. Might turn your hair gray. Just look at me.”
Jason did and saw a person too busy to worry about lost loves—someone who probably wished time would slow down so she could do everything that needed doing. Maybe time machines didn’t exist, but he knew of one way to get the days to zoom by, bringing the future closer in the blink of an eye: hard work, and lots of it. Jason rubbed his chin, as if deep in thought, and then nodded. “Sign me up!”
__________
Part Three:
Austin, 2011
__________
Chapter Twenty-seven
Two years. Not the happiest anniversary to celebrate, but Jason took it in stride, marking it on his mental calendar. Two years since William left to join the Coast Guard. At times Jason seriously considered doing something similar. Anything was better than waiting, sitting in the eye of the storm while the world around him changed. Volunteering at the animal shelter had been a wise decision and helped Jason lose himself in the maelstrom of a hectic life. At first he found it taxing emotionally, since so many animals lacked a home or a human companion. But as Barbara always said, he could either turn his back on them or turn himself into what they needed. That meant walking dogs, playing with cats, cleaning, grooming, feeding, and loving. He did so gladly, feeling a sense of kinship with these animals. After all, he was an orphan too.
The day job wasn’t nearly as satisfying, nor were the long nights without William. Brief reprieves to this loneliness came when William returned home for the holidays or other special occasions. Then they would be together again, and Jason would feel at peace. William was happy too, having become a rescue swimmer. Jason wasn’t surprised by this achievement, but when he heard that William was one of only three graduates in a class of twenty-five, he finally understood how difficult it must have been. William positively glowed. Proud, but not in an arrogant way. A serenity settled about him that must come from living one’s dream. Jason adored seeing him that way, loved him even more than before, and at times like these, never regretted letting him go.
Then William would return to active duty, and Jason would ache all over again. But the pain was always worth it. Sometimes Jason would look at maps, trying to figure out how to make the thirty-hour drive to Cape Cod where William was stationed. He never did. William would probably be too busy to see him anyway. Perhaps that was why he never suggested the idea or asked if Jason could move there, find a civilian life not far from his world full of strange abbreviations and ranks and rules. Or maybe William was still enjoying his freedom. That would explain the most recent visit.
February, when William’s mother celebrated her birthday. Normally William would show up on his bike, grinning and asking if he could stay the night. When meeting these days, all they wanted was to be alone together. This time when William called, he suggested they meet somewhere for lunch, but not a romantic picnic or a secluded meal of fast food in the car. They met in a very public place, William hesitating instead of sweeping Jason into his arms for a kiss. When they did hug, William had kept his body angled away from Jason, as if he was just a friend or a relative. Whatever intimacy they had was gone. Jason didn’t bother asking why, or what the guy’s name was. Part of him knew he’d been lucky to have William to himself for two extra years. That someone else had discovered this wonderful man was only natural.
Regardless, Jason was shaken by the experience. He found himself questioning his life and yearning for change. Maybe he’d seek out some of the light that made William shine, grab a piece of that for himself. On one such introspective day, Jason was in his room, sitting on his bed and considering his possessions. He was marveling that he’d lived in the same place for so long, something made evident by how personal this room had become. The desktop computer had been replaced by a laptop that usually sat on a table next to the cozy reading chair he’d bought. He had his own flat-screen TV across from the bed, since Tim and Ben were only willing to suffer so many horror movies. Next to this were small stacks of Blu-rays, DVDs, and even VHS tapes for the really obscure movies. Jason enjoyed them more than ever, especially since love was rarely a part of such films, and in such cases, a machete usually put an end to any happy relationship.
When the television was off, Jason’s room was a much less gory place. After he’d expressed interest, Tim allowed a few of his paintings to be displayed in the room. Jason’s favorite was of Chinchilla, bounding across a field full of rainbow light. Framed photos also hung on the wall, one from when he and William had gone to prom, which had arrived in the mail months after his departure. Next to it was a newer photo from Emma and Bonnie’s prom night together. Hanging above them all, like the beginning of a family tree, was the photo of Ben and Tim from when they were young. Jason had dug it out of the attic, matted it, and framed it as carefully as possible. He’d meant for it to be a present, but loved it too much and put it on his own wall instead. Ben and Tim seemed to appreciate it too, and would always look at it when they entered his room.
Like now. After knocking—despite the door being open—Tim strolled into his room. Usually he’d only glance at the photo in passing, but this time he stopped and stared. When he turned to face Jason, he seemed a little flustered.
“Benjamin and I are going out to eat,” he said. “Wanna tag along?”
“Where to?” Jason asked.
Tim made a face. “Some new Indian place.”
Jason mirrored his expression. “Nah, I think I’ll hang out here, maybe order a pizza.”
“Save me some,” Tim murmured, briefly glancing back at the photo.
“You all right?” Jason asked.
“Yeah,” Tim said, pulling himself together. “How about you?”
Jason shrugged. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
“You and me both.” Tim sat on the edge of his bed. “What’s been haunting you?”
“I’m thinking about moving out,” Jason said. “Getting my own place.”
“For real?” Tim looked aghast. “I knew we shouldn’t have given you Ben’s old car. Too much freedom. We’d rather have you trapped here with us.”
Jason smiled. “Thanks, but I can’t live here forever. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m tw
enty-one and still living at home.”
“Yeah,” Tim said grudgingly. “I get that. But I thought you were going to wait and get a place with Emma when she moves to Austin for college. That’s still two years away.”
“I know,” Jason said. “I just… Something needs to change. You ever have that feeling?”
“Yeah, a fresh start and all that, but change isn’t always for the better. Are you sure about this? Ben’s going to take it hard. He’s still getting over Samson passing away.”
“I know,” Jason said, “but I’d stay in Austin and keep coming by to mooch free food off you guys. I swear.”
“Just think about it a little longer,” Tim said. “Don’t make any hasty decisions. And maybe don’t mention it to Benjamin until you’re sure.”
Jason nodded. “I can do that.”
“Good.” Tim bit his lip. “Can you keep a secret?”
Jason smirked. “Only one way to find out.”
“Actually, it’s more like advice I need.”
“From me?” Jason said, not hiding his surprise.
“Yeah. I’ll be right back.”
When Tim returned, he double-checked the hall and then shut the door. Jason’s jaw dropped when he saw what Tim was holding: a little black jewelry box, the kind with a hinged lid. He rubbed at it, grumbling about lint, cheeks burning red as he failed to make eye contact.
“Is that what I think it is?” Jason asked.
Tim glanced up. “This is crazy, right? Do you think… Ugh. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Jason suppressed a smile. “Show me the ring.”
Tim opened the box, tossing it carelessly aside on Jason’s dresser. He held the ring pinched between index finger and thumb, studying it a moment before handing it to Jason. “I wanted something basic,” Tim said. “No diamonds or any precious stones. I don’t want to present him with a million-dollar bribe or whatever. If he wants that stuff later, he can have it, so I just went with a simple platinum band.”