I widened my eyes in acknowledgement as I lifted the bottle of beer to my lips. After a long drink, I stood from my seat and turned to face the door.
“Yeah. Probably go help her get her shit loaded into a truck; might take the Toad and Biscuit with me. They don’t know it yet,” I said over my shoulder as I opened the office door.
“If you’re getting another, be sure and leave that stinking motherfucker in the shop,” Axton said as I walked into the hallway.
No shit.
I tossed the empty beer into the trash can and walked to the fridge. After pulled two more bottles from the shelf and opening one, I turned toward the hallway and lifted the bottle to my mouth. As I walked to the office, I took a slow drink of the cold beer and thought of my future with Sam, and just what it might include long term. Although she and I hadn’t spoken about it, I suspected as soon as she returned we’d end up living together.
Something I hadn’t given a moment’s thought to in the last decade and a half, I now felt almost obligated to do so – allowing us to become as close to a conventional couple as I was able. Axton sat at the table reading from the ledger as I walked in, but closed the book and shoved it aside as I sat down.
“Everything in there that needs to be,” I asked.
He nodded his head and patted his hand on the top of the book, “Looks like it. Just making sure I had everything. Everything alright?”
“Yep. Golden.”
“Well, reason I’m asking is you’re two-fisting the beers tonight and it’s mid-fucking-week. Just wondering if everything in your world’s good,” he asked as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the edge of the table.
“It’s not your fault, you know,” he said.
I rolled my eyes as the corner of my mouth curled into a smirk. “Oh shit, I’m not worried about that.”
“Tell you what I told Sam. That fucker shooting himself provided support of my thoughts that he wasn’t going to be able to handle being a Sinner. He was weak,” I said as I tilted the neck of my beer bottle toward him.
“Don’t disagree,” he said.
I gazed down at my bottle of beer as I spoke, wondering if what I was going to say would make as much sense coming out of my mouth as it did rattling around in my head. “I think Gunner and the entire ATF thing might have made me a little more cautious about who we let in this club, Ax. It’s our club you know. It’s our fucking responsibility to keep it…well…you know what I mean. This place, this club, it’s my family. And it isn’t everyone that gets to pick who’s in their family. The fact we get to should mean we’ve got nothing but a good solid bunch of brothers.”
He leaned away from the table and crossed his arms.
“Two weeks ago, I would have bet folding money we had the best bunch of hand-picked fellas in existence. Now, I’m pretty sure we’ve got it whittled down to where it needs to be. And I’ve got to agree with you on Gunner, I’m still nervous about that.”
I picked up my bottle of beer, took a slow drink, and gazed his direction as I let the bottle dangle from my thumb and forefinger.
His eyes widened slightly as he cleared his throat.
“So, something’s eating at you. What’s going on?” he asked.
“Do you love Avery?” I asked as I gazed down at the bottle dangling from my fingers.
He coughed a laugh and slapped his hand lightly against the table.
“What the fuck does that have to do with the price of rice in China?” he asked.
I lifted the bottle toward my lips, paused, and allowed it to dangle beside in front of my mouth.
“Come on, Ax. We ain’t sitting here Slice and Otis. This is Steve and Axton from back in the day - the same two motherfuckers who used to walk to school together every day and have rock kicking contests on the way. Do you love her?” I asked over the top of the bottle.
“That’s a good question. I ought to come back and ask you to define love, but…” He paused as he began to rock back and forth in his chair.
“I do love her. May not be in the same way you love you mother and father, but it’s love, that’s for sure. Hard for me to explain, brother,” he said.
As I exhaled and leaned forward, he raised his index finger in the air to stop me from speaking.
“Here’s the deal. I can’t fucking imagine, no matter how hard I try – and believe me, I’ve tried – living life without her in it. This stays right here,” he said as he pointed his finger back and forth between us.
“No shit?” I asked.
He clasped his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair. As his mouth curled into the first smile I’d seen on his face in quite some time, he began to speak.
“Just making sure we were on the same page. But I’ll tell ya, if that girl ever left me? Shit. Not only would I be done with women, I’m afraid I’d be done living life altogether. Just watching her walk around the house satisfies the absolute fuck out of me. I keep waiting for her to do something stupid, and the day never comes. She keeps me young, keeps me happy, and makes me think twice about most of the decisions I’d have never even thought about a year ago. It’s love for sure, but it’s hard to explain, brother. Hard to explain.”
“Well, you just did a pretty good job of it. Makes sense to me, anyway. I never really talked about how I felt, except you know how I used to feel. Far as I can figure, I never fell out of love with Sam. You know, you and I been single for fucking ever until now. Most 1%ers have half a dozen bitches they’re fucking. You and me? Shit, for the last ten years we ain’t had one bitch on our arm. Been telling you and even telling myself I couldn’t trust ‘em. Well, being honest about it, I’d compared every bitch who even looked at me to Sam. Nobody measured up. And now? Come to find out she’s been single for the last ten years or so, and she’s felt the same way. It’s like destiny or some shit,” I said.
He raised one eyebrow and forced a cough. “Destiny?”
I finished my beer, opened the second bottle and took a sip. I cupped my hands around the cold glass, hesitated, and then raised my cool hands to my cheeks.
“Yeah. Destiny,” I grinned.
“You goofy son-of-a-bitch. You’re in love like a fucking teenager. Look at you. God damn, never thought I’d see it,” he said as he leaned forward.
I lowered my hands from my cheeks, realized what I had done, and shrugged my shoulders.
“You know, about you two being apart for so long,” he said as he raised his right hand to his chin.
As he rubbed his chin in his palm, he continued. “Being inseparable doesn’t define true love. Being separated and having nothing change between you, however, does.”
I nodded my head and thought for a long moment without responding. I truly liked what he had said, and I felt it applied to Sam and me without question.
“Hell, there’s nothing wrong with being in love. The right woman will make a man a better person. Finding her is the tough part. In this case, you didn’t have to find her. Nothing changed between you two and all you had to do was admit it,” he said as he turned his palms upward.
“Something like that. I really wanted to make sure you were okay with everything, me being tied down with an Ol’ Lady and all,” I said.
He laughed out loud for a second and nodded his head.
“I’m fine with it, brother. Like I said, the right woman will make you better. For you, finding the right one would have been extra tough. It ain’t every woman who’ll let a man fuck her in in-school detention when there are three other kids in there,” he said with a laugh.
I narrowed my gaze and wrinkled my nose. “You remembered that?”
He shook his head as his eyes rolled back slightly. “Remember it? Hell Otis, for us normal motherfuckers, it’s hard to forget shit like that. Yeah, I remembered it. Every kid in school probably does too. I’m guessing she’s still that way?”
I thought of the night in the botanical gardens and began to laugh.
“Just between you and me??
?? I asked.
“In your own words, no shit,” he said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“Fucked her in Botanica the other night. Got some kid who was wandering around to come hold her down on a concrete bench while I fucked her,” I said as I slapped the tips of my fingers against the table.
“You’re fucking shittin’ me?” he gasped.
I shook my head. “Nope.”
“God damn, Otis. Just some fucking weirdo wandering through the fucking flower garden? You walk up to him and tell this poor fucker you need him to hold your Ol’ Lady down so you can pork her? Jesus H. Christ,” he said.
“Kind of, yeah. Had to threaten him with an ass whippin’ to get him to do it,” I said.
“God damn. Well, how’d it pan out? Did she like it?” he asked he shook his head in disbelief.
“Loved it. Hell, she can’t quit talking about it,” I responded.
“Well, there you go. Like I said, it’s love. Fuck, you may be right brother, it’s probably that fucking thing you call destiny,” he said as he widened his eyes.
“Might be,” I said as I stood from my seat.
“So what did we learn from all this?” he asked as he stood.
“Just wanting to let you know she’s going to be around, and make sure you were alright with it all,” I said as I lifted the bottle of beer to my mouth.
“And if I wasn’t?” he asked.
I drank the remaining beer, reached for the other empty, and walked to the door. As I reached for the handle, I glanced over my shoulder.
“You probably don’t want to know,” I responded.
He crossed his arms and swallowed heavily.
“I think I already do,” he said.
I opened the door and stepped into the hallway. As I tossed the bottles into the trash, the sound of Axton’s distant voice filtered out into the shop.
“Tell her I said hello…”
Will do, Axton.
Will do.
SAM
Making life altering decisions without the assistance of or reassurance from others is difficult. Coping with the fallout of a tough decision is always easier if someone close to you helped you make it. The majority of my choices in adulthood were made while talking to my mother over the phone. No longer having that luxury forced me to look elsewhere for support, and luckily I didn’t have to look far. Having Sydney and Avery as friends was something I was truly grateful for, and the time had come for me to test their ability to stand up with me in the most trying of times.
“Just let me finish before you guys start,” I said past my shaking lower lip.
I felt surprisingly calm considering how I’d felt earlier. Feeling as if I was either far more comfortable with the decision that I expected myself to be, or I was simply in shock, I inhaled a shallow breath, clutched my purse, and exhaled.
“I’m pregnant, and…”
“Oh my God, congratulations!” Avery shouted.
“This is so exciting,” Sydney said as she clapped her hands together. “Cambio and I have been talking and he was wanting to…”
I raised my right hand in the air to stop them from continuing, and began to sob. After what seemed like several minutes of sobbing, I wiped my face free of the tears and attempted to catch my breath.
“Sorry, I thought I was done crying,” I muttered as I glanced up.
They both sat staring at me as if not knowing for sure what to say or why I was crying. It was obvious to me, and probably pretty obvious to them the tears were not tears of joy, but ugly tears.
“This conversation stays here,” I said flatly.
Both women grinned and shrugged their shoulders.
“Okay?”
“Yeah. No problem,” Sydney said.
“I’m waiting,” Avery said as she turned her palms up.
“I’m just going to cut right to it,” I said.
Talk fast, Sam. Just say it.
I bit the edge of my lower lip and spoke through my teeth. “I need to get an abortion.”
As I expected, both women’s eyes widened. Avery gasped no differently than if she’d witnessed a murder. Sydney covered her face with her hands and attempted to hide her feelings, but nothing could disguise them. Her face clearly said what her mouth did not.
“Why?” Avery asked. “An abortion?”
I nodded my head. “It’s the only answer.”
I clutched my purse and continued. “I don’t know if you know it or not, but the entire reason we broke up before was over me wanting kids. He didn’t. He enjoys the freedom of being free. I do too. It doesn’t matter, if he finds out, he’ll either kill me or leave me. I know Otis. I can’t lose him. Not again.”
“He doesn’t know?” Avery hissed as she folded her arms in front of her chest and thrust herself into the rear of the booth.
I shook my head. “This isn’t easy. It really…”
“Tell him,” Avery demanded.
I pulled my purse to my chest and held it close. “I can’t. You don’t understand.”
“You owe it to him,” she snapped back.
I glanced at Sydney. With her face still contorted, clearly expressing horrific shock and sorrow, she attempted to cover it with her hands while she listened. I shifted my eyes toward Avery.
“I need…I need him in my…in my life. I can’t live without…him. I love him,” I said as I fought back tears.
“If you love him, tell him,” she begged. “You might be surprised.”
“You might be surprised. If he didn’t kill me, he’d leave me for sure. He left me over the mere mention of kids. An actual child would send him running. Hell, you’d probably never see him again,” I explained.
“You were what, twenty-one years old?” she asked.
I nodded my head as I continued to hug my purse.
“Sixteen years ago. People mature, things change. Tell him,” she said as she leaned forward, resting her arms on the edge of the table.
“His mind hasn’t changed. I assure you. I’m sorry, I don’t want to argue. I just need support right now,” I said.
Avery crossed her arms and settled against the back of the booth. I shifted my eyes to Sydney, who had finally uncovered her face and was wiping tears from her face.
“Uhhm, I could talk to…I was…” she muttered.
She shook her head and cleared her throat as she wiped her eyes against the heels of her palms.
“I think Cambio and I would be willing to adopt the baby. I’d have to talk to him, but let’s just go with it’s a yes, at least for now. I mean if you don’t want it for sure,” she murmured.
I pushed my purse onto the edge of the table and shook my head. “We’re going the wrong direction. I’m not keeping this baby.”
“Don’t kill it,” Sydney cried.
“It’s not killing anything, Sydney. Really, it isn’t even a baby yet,” I snapped.
She nodded her head as she began to cry. As she worked herself into a full blown sob, she covered her face with her hands and spoke through the gaps in her fingers.
“Yes it is…” she blubbered.
“It’s part of you…” she said. “And it’s part of…him.”
She slid her hands against her face and attempted to wipe the tears away. “How about waiting?”
I couldn’t believe my ears. I expected them to provide support - maybe not both of them - but at least one. I went into the bar with visions of one of them taking me to the abortion clinic, and holding my hand through it all, making me feel better about the decision. Afterward, it would be a secret the three of us shared, and took to our graves. Otis and I living happily ever after would stand as proof that the decision we made was the right choice, and the three of us would be reminded of it every day that he and I lived in our state of true love.
I stood from my seat. Avery continued to sit in the booth, arms crossed, glaring at me.
“So no support from either of you on this?” I asked as I clutched my purse t
ightly.
Sydney stood.
Avery glared.
And I began to cry.
OTIS
I hadn’t spoken with Sam in over twenty-four hours, and I had not seen her in person since the patch in party. Two trips to her mother’s house since the party produced nothing, and now she wasn’t answering texts or calls. I considered the death of Cash, and how it may have had an effect on her. Although she seemed to take the loss of her mother very well, Cash’s death may have been enough to cause her to go into a recession of sorts. Frustrated beyond compare and feeling quite helpless, I sat on bench in her mother’s back yard and waited.
We had spent many a night in the backyard, and I always enjoyed the smell of the flowers. After Sam and I parted, the smell of any type of flowers always seemed to bring thoughts of her back to the forefront of my mind. Now, sitting amidst the very yard we grew up enjoying, I was feeling empty and heartbroken.
Other than her going back to St. Louis and possibly having second thoughts of us remaining together, I could come up with no reason for her to be gone. As I glanced around the yard and made note of the changes her mother had made since I’d seen it last, I began to consider other possibilities.
Kidnapping.
Murder.
Car wreck.
Another relationship.
Marriage.
My mind began to spin in circles. I wondered if it was possible that the ATF had her in for questioning, but had no idea of how to find out if they did. After much thought, I decided I’d drive to wherever Gunner was and threaten him until he told me everything he knew.
I gazed beyond the flowers, shrubbery and trees into the corner of the yard. The small yellow building her mother housed her tools in was still in the corner of the yard. As kids, we used to hide in the little shack and make out, often kissing for hours and hours, not necessarily knowing - or being afraid to go forward – with what the next step was.
I cherished those days. The innocence of us both. Kissing until our jaws were tired, riding my bike home afterward, filled with a feeling that nothing or no one provided me since. After I’d get home, I’d lie in bed and rub my lips as I counted the hours until we’d be able to kiss her again.