I shifted my gaze toward Jak slightly. As soon as I did, his mother snapped at me.
“Stop looking at Jak for answers, Karter. He’ll do nothing but get you in trouble with those eyes of his. He’ll hypnotize you with those damned things,” she laughed.
I raised my hands to my cheeks, “I know, right? He does it to me all the time. He tells me things and I find myself just…”
“Go in the other room, Jak. We need to talk,” his mother said softly.
“Mom, I’m not going in the other room,” Jak complained.
His mother turned her head toward Jak slowly. As she reached for her cigarettes, she lowered her chin and raised her eyebrows.
“I’ll be in the other room,” Jak sighed.
Jak leaned over and kissed me softly. As he walked through the door and into the other room, his mother stood from her chair, tip-toed to the doorway, and stared into the other room. After a silent moment of her staring into the living room, she turned around and walked to the table and sat down.
“You’ve got to keep an eye on him, he’s a sneaky one. We don’t need him listening to our girl talk,” she said as she scooted her chair closer to the table.
“Now we can talk,” she smiled.
I grinned and nodded my head, “Okay.”
“I want this to work for all of us, honey. You and Jak. So, I’m going to give you what little advice I can,” she said as she lit a cigarette.
As she began to smoke her cigarette, she looked around the kitchen as if she was thinking of what to say next. Silently, she continued to smoke and look down at the ashtray. I sat nervously and waited for her to continue. After a few moments of her not speaking, I decided to say something.
“We’ll be just fine, I’m sure of it. We don’t fight or argue at all. I really think he loves me as much as I love him. And I love him more than I can ever sit here and try to explain,” I said.
She looked up from the ashtray, “I’m sure you do. He’s told me over and over how much he loves you - ‘till he’s blue in the face. I’m happy for us all. I don’t have much experience, Karter. Not with men. Jak’s father died when he was a little boy. I never remarried or even saw another man after his father was gone. I couldn’t bring myself to. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I still loved Jak’s father then and I still love him today.”
“What was his name? Jak’s father?” I asked.
“His name was Anderson. Jak didn’t tell you? His name was Anderson Jackson Kennedy. We named Jak so his initials would spell his name. We thought it was cute. Jak Anderson Kennedy. J.A.K.,” she smiled.
I smiled and nodded. For some reason, I preferred having names attached to people in the tales which were told about them. Without a name, the story meant less and it was difficult to believe. Simply having a name made everything become real. Without one, the statements felt meaningless and weak. As she puffed on her cigarette she looked at me as if she wanted to eat me.
She smiled and tilted her head back as she blew smoke in the air, “Karter, you’re a beautiful woman. I like looking at your face, it’s beautiful. You remind me of a girl I went to school with. Her name was Jennifer. She was the prettiest girl in school. I envied her. I wanted to be as pretty as her, but it never worked out that way. You’re prettier than she was, and she has always been the prettiest girl I’ve ever known. You just shoved her aside and took over.”
You make me feel so good. I can’t wait to have you as a mother.
You’re adorable.
“Thank you very much. That’s nice of you to say. I liked hearing it. You’re adorable,” I smiled.
She grinned and smashed her cigarette into the ashtray, “Okay so there’s a few things I want to tell you. You may already know, but if you do, just entertain me. I want to feel like you learned them from me. Okay, honey?”
I nodded my head and smiled.
“Now, you and Jak. At some point in time, you will have a disagreement. It’s bound to happen. When it does, make sure you get it resolved before bedtime. Never go to sleep angry with the one you love,” she picked up her cigarette case, looked inside and closed the case.
“And, when you have a disagreement, never raise your voice. It’s hard for a man to scream at a woman if she’s whispering. So, if you’re arguing, keep it quiet and make whatever point you have to without raising your voice. Loud doesn’t make right.”
I couldn’t imagine Jak screaming at me, but her advice made perfect sense. It was nice to have someone care enough to sit and talk about their relationship opinions and give advice. It would be far too easy for me to spend a few days a week with Jak’s mother talking about things I’ve never felt comfortable talking to other people about. She seemed to spend most of her time at home, and almost all of it in the kitchen, but she spent it alone. As I sat and admired her for being so sweet, I felt terrible for her being alone for the last twenty years.
“And when it comes to sleeping, before you go to sleep tell Jak you love him. Do it every night. And give him a kiss. Do it in bed, not a half hour before or anything silly. And every morning when you wake up, kiss him and tell him you love him before you get out of bed. You’ll reach a point when you’ll feel like he knows, but tell him anyway. It’s always nice to say and it’s sure nice to hear.”
She reached across the table toward my hands. Without thought, I straightened my arms and extended my hands toward hers. Our fingers met in the middle of the table. As she held my hands softly in hers, she looked up into my eyes and smiled.
“I love you, Karter.”
If you make me cry, I’m going to throat punch you.
I wanted to tell her I loved her too. I wished I knew her name. As if she knew what prevented me from immediately responding, she spoke.
“Jaqueline. You can call me Jackie,” she said softly.
And at that particular moment, everything she had said became real. I felt warm inside. As I held her hands in mine, I swallowed and responded without any thought.
“I love you too, Jackie.”
JAK. “Jak, you’s one lyin’ ass motherfucker. ‘Scuse the language Miss Karter. Jak told me you was pretty. What he went on and failed to tell me was that you defined the word. Lord have mercy woman, you make everything around you ugly as a motherfucker,” Oscar said as he walked across the shop floor.
Oscar was simply Oscar. He had his way of speaking, thinking, and of telling his stories. After repeated requests to meet Karter, I finally decided to bring her to the school and introduce her to him. School had started and was in session, so I hadn’t been coming to the track to run any longer. My trips to see Oscar, however, never ceased.
Karter cocked her hip to the side as if offended, “What do you mean?”
Oscar stopped directly in front of her an extended his hand. Karter reluctantly reached for his. As they shook hands, Oscar explained.
“Well, look around you, Miss Karter. You see Jak’s ugly ass and me. Some old black man. I got my golf cart, and a bunch a broken ass shit in here. We gots a few trees out the door over there, and some grass. That’s about all we got. A little blue sky if you take the time to look up. But when you walk into a room,” he paused and released her hand.
“Whoooooeeeeeee. Things change. You’s so God damned beautiful, you make everything else what seemed kinda pretty before you arrived look about as ugly as a mud fence in your presence. I don’t rightly know how else to tell ya. But you uhhm. You, how you say it, Jak?” he paused and raised his hand to his chin.
“You redefine the word, Miss Karter. That’s the one I was lookin’ for. Redefine. You redefine beautiful,” he nodded.
Karter smiled and shook her head. As if she finally understood what Oscar had said wasn’t an insult, she sighed and her shoulders slumped slightly, “You’re not ugly, and neither is Jak. Pleasure to meet you, Oscar.”
“We’s a damned site uglier with you around. Hold on I gots to get me somethin’ from my bench,” he said as he turned toward the workbench.
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After a moment of digging, Oscar turned around. He was wearing welding goggles. The goggles he wore looked like World War II era fighter pilot goggles with black hinged outer lenses. The outer lenses were flipped in the upward position, exposing the inner clear lenses. After walking to his former position in front of Karter, he flipped down the black lenses and looked downward. Having welded in the Navy, I knew Oscar could not see a damned thing with the welding goggles on. Without the bright flash of a welding arc, the lenses would be like attempting to look through a piece of glass which had been painted black. I thought I knew what he was going to say, but I kept my mouth shut. Karter seemed amused if nothing else.
“Sorry, Miss Karter. I had to go an’ get my goggles on so I could look at the ring. Damned thing almost made me blind. She’s a dandy, Miss Karter,” as he finished speaking, he whistled.
Oscar looked upward and flipped the outer lenses up as he did. Now standing in front of Karter with the goggles still on, he smiled. His bleach white teeth were in clear contrast to everything about him. He was one of a kind for sure. Karter looked around the shop as Oscar turned toward me and winked.
“So what do you do in here all day?” Karter asked.
“Hide from the man and try an’ look busy,” he grinned.
Karter nodded her head, “Who’s the man?”
“Well I suppose he’s different for all of us. For me, he’s the school superintendent. Least while I’m here. Sometimes the man is the police. Or the gov’ment. Could be the president, I suppose. But right now, he’s the superintendent,” he responded.
With Karter and Oscar standing in the center of the small shop, I slowly walked to the golf cart and sat down to watch the show. It appeared Karter was becoming comfortable with Oscar and enjoyed listening to him. He was an easy man to like, and fairly entertaining to listen to.
Karter nodded her head, “Whoever’s in charge.”
Oscar shook his head, “No ma’am. I don’t mind a man in charge. Hell, we all can’t be the boss man. We’d have us a fucked up world with a bunch of Chiefs and no Indians. No ma’am. But if a man’s in charge, and he’s always tryin’ to keep the people around him down, and never smiles at ‘em or never tells ‘em they’s doin’ good; if he tries to beat ‘em down mentally or ‘motionally then he’s the man.”
Karter pushed her hands into the rear pockets of her jeans shorts, swiveled her hips, and smiled, “People with mustaches.”
Oscar reached up and removed his goggles. As they dangled from his hand, he scrunched his brow, “You got me there, Miss Karter. What you mean by that?”
“People with mustaches are the man. The Unabomber. Stalin. Saddam Hussein. Hitler. And most cops,” she giggled.
Oscar erupted with laughter and turned to face me, “Jak this girl’s on fire. Damn, I like you, Miss Karter. People with mustaches. Yes ma’am, they’s the man fo’ sho’.”
Oscar slapped his knee, “Mustaches. That crazy ass white boy what was eatin’ them gays. You remember, Jak? He was cuttin’ ‘em up and keepin ‘em in the freezer. He had a mustache. Was uhhm…”
“Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer. He had a mustache. And so did that Mo…” he turned to face me and grinned.
“Ol’ Gaddafi. From Libya. He had him one too. Miss Karter, you’s right as rain. Men with mustaches is the man,” he laughed.
As if satisfied she made a friend, Karter rocked back and forth on her feet with her hands still resting in her rear pockets. Seeing her stand in this fashion made me recall the day we talked about sex for the first time. No differently than the rest of us, she had her tell-tale signs. This was certainly one of them. She did it when she wanted to make herself comfortable with something she initially found not so comfortable. Whatever the reason, she was adorable when she did it.
“So when’s the date? When you gettin’ hitched?” Oscar asked.
Karter shrugged and smiled, “Sometime in June.”
“Be here before you know it, that’s fo’ sho’. Weddin’s and anniversaries. They’s always creepin’ up on us. Well, Jak’s a good man, Miss Karter. Sho’ ‘nuff is. I don’t like me too many white folk, an’ I like him just fine,” he chuckled.
“He’s pretty fly for a white guy,” Karter laughed.
We stayed and talked in the shop for over an hour. Karter and Oscar laughed and told stories together as I sat on the golf cart and listened. Seeing her interact with Oscar was a pleasure in itself. I found satisfaction in thinking of us returning on a regular basis. Developing routines was important for me, and having one as enjoyable as visiting with Oscar would be a welcome addition to our otherwise predictable days.
“Oscar, I’ll need to see you in my office as soon as you’re done visiting,” a voice said from outside the shop door.
“Yes sir, Mr. James, sir. Be in to see you in just a few minutes,” Oscar responded.
I stood from the golf cart feeling guilty for occupying so much of Oscar’s time. As I walked around the front of the cart, Karter broke out in a deep laughter. Oscar raised his hand in Jonny Cash fashion and flipped the bird at the open door.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
After a moment of attempting to catch her breath, Karter turned to me and smiled, “He had a mustache.”
Oscar furrowed his brow and turned to Karter, “I never noticed. He does, don’t he?”
Karter nodded as she caught her breath from laughing, “Uh huh.”
“I gots to get to work now. You like hugs, Miss Karter?” Oscar asked.
“Only if you leave my feet on the ground,” Karter replied.
“Well give this old black man a hug,” Oscar said as he opened his arms.
As Oscar hugged Karter, he closed his eyes. Her feet firm on the floor, Karter turned to me and winked. As Oscar released her, she walked up to me and spread her arms apart. I hugged her in my arms, arched my back, and raised her feet from the floor. Still holding her in my arms, I stumbled toward the doorway.
“Thanks, Oscar. I’ll be seeing you,” I said as I carried Karter through the doorway.
“Not if I see you first,” he laughed.
JAK. I tossed the lid to the chest up and looked inside. Several bundles of letters were stacked inside. With my old photo album sitting beside the chest, I knelt down and sorted through the bundles. Looking at the faded post marks on the envelopes, I sorted them on the floor beside me by date. After Fifteen minutes or so, I had all of the bundles in chronological order. A few loose letters and other miscellaneous keepsakes littered the bottom of the almost empty chest.
I picked up the first bundle and untied the stack of envelopes. After flipping through a few, I found one from Shelley. I flicked my knife open and cut the twenty-year-old envelope and removed the letter. Surprisingly, although the pencil handwriting was a little faded, the paper wasn’t brittle at all. After unfolding it, I took a deep breath and began to read.
Jak,
I feel terrible and would like to talk. The last few days before you left were difficult for me. I have so much to say. I really need to talk to you about some things. I hope your training goes well, and you make it to the end. I know it will be tough and if anyone can do it, you can.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Shell
I folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope. I picked up the pile and turned the corners of the envelopes up, looking at the return addresses as I did so. After finding another from Shelley, I opened it and removed the letter.
Jak,
I still haven’t heard back from you, but I have no idea how long the letters take to reach you. The weather is shitty here, and it snowed a lot last week. We’re all kind of stuck here, and waiting for it to melt. It reminds me of the time we went sledding down at the river when we were kids.
I miss everyone being together.
We really need to talk. Write when you can. I asked, and I can’t send food, or I would. Hope you’re eating well. Keep your chin up.
Sh
ell
I folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope. There were certainly no earth shattering revelations as I had hoped. I looked at the various piles of letters, and considered when Karter would have been born. I picked up a pile of letters dated approximately six months after I had shipped out and untied the bundle. After a few letters, I found one from Shelley. I cut it open and removed the letter.
Jak,
I can’t believe you still haven’t written. If you’re mad because I won’t tell you who the father is, I guess you have the right to be. I would have thought in some sense the fact it wasn’t you would allow you a little relief. If you would have written or if you’ll still write, maybe we can talk about it. Maybe one day I will tell you.
I’m doing fine, I guess. I’m really big and everyone is confused.
Same old shit, I suppose.
Hope you’re well.
Shell
I folded the letter and dropped it into the envelope. Satisfied I’d never get to anything meaningful, and having read her acknowledgement of me not being the father was enough. Although I wanted answers, I began to realize they would not be provided. I had held onto the memories of my childhood for a lifetime, and the time had clearly arrived for me to let go and move on with my life. Things were beginning to be so much different now. After seeing Shelley, finding out who Karter’s father was and slowly coming to terms with it all, I felt relieved and considerably less responsible for everything. In time, I was sure I’d probably just forget it all and move on a much better man.
I looked at the pile and considered what to do with it all. By no means did I want Karter to ever find it. In many respects, I wished none of it even existed. As I sat and stared at the piles of old mail, I decided it would never be of any future use. I looked into the chest. As I began to rummage through the remaining contents, one lone letter caught my eye.
My heart raced. I picked it up and stared at the return address.