“Please tell me that she,” Phoenix threw her chin at Bliss “has the ability to end this ridiculous relationship you have with Octavia.”
It wasn’t just my mom who didn’t care for Octavia. It was all the women in my life.
“Octavia’s been nothing but nice to you,” I reminded her. She had been nice to all of them.
“Nice, but uppity,” she replied. “There’s always a snarl beneath it.”
We lived in a world of uppity with snarls. I didn’t point that out. I decided to let it go.
“Why are you here?” I asked more firmly this time. I was close to calling dad. Phoenix didn’t want that.
“Because,” she said with a sigh “a few of the graduating class hung our underwear on the flagpole. That was the night before last. Alcohol may have been involved. It seemed hilarious at the time. Even the next morning at school. Until we found out there were security cameras. We should’ve known that beforehand. Anyway, today they’ll be calling our parents. So I’m hiding. What are you up to?” She ended it so casually.
The flagpole thing was stupid, not criminal. Hell, I’d done a lot worse when I was a student there. “Go home and face it Phoenix. Mom will remind him that he’s getting paid back for the sins of his younger years. You’re the baby. He’ll calm down. They always let you get away with shit.”
Phoenix frowned. “I was drunk in the security footage. That’s why they’ll go bananas.”
Agreed. They’d be furious. But she wasn’t hiding here forever. I had my own shit to deal with. Octavia would be back soon. I had to get my head on straight before she walked in the door.
“Stop drinking. It leads to stupid shit. Wait until you’re legal then make your mistakes. Now go home and get it over with.”
She pouted. “Please go with me.”
I glanced over at Bliss working in the window. Normally when Phoenix needed me I was there without delay. She was, after all, the baby. And we babied the shit out of her. That was the reason she was wild as a buck. Even Ophelia bailed her out of trouble. Took the blame for things she shouldn’t.
“I can’t.”
Phoenix released a defeated sigh. “Normally, now, I’d commence the waterworks and cry until you caved. But I love you and will refrain. And if that girl Bliss can remove your head from Octavia’s uptown ass, where it seems to have been lodged for months, then good, that’s what I want. Even more than our parents assaulting me and burying my body in the sand.”
I rolled my eyes. How fucking dramatic. “For starters, my head is free of all asses and has never been in Octavia’s. Secondly, our folks aren’t exactly the toughest parents in Rosemary.”
She shrugged and stood without worry.
“I’m going to enjoy the day here. Walk on the beach where people don’t know me and eat some lunch like a stranger. Then, after they’ve worried, I’ll call and head home in shambles. Maybe their relief that I haven’t washed up on the beach or been drawn into a sex racket, will make them forget about the punishment.”
I doubted it and figured it would only make it worse but I wanted her to leave so I nodded. Truth was if they called me frantic I was telling them where she was. I didn’t want my momma to worry. Dad would worry, but he’d be pissed, and wouldn’t care about her emotional wellbeing.
“See you in a week Phoenix. I’ll be home for graduation.”
She kissed my cheek then headed for the door. “Bye Bliss! Lovely meeting you! Would be even lovelier if you . . .”
“Phoenix!” I stopped the comment.
She threw her head back and laughed, then sashayed out the door.
Life with two younger sisters had never been easy. Dad said it was why I was patient, with women and animals and old people. He had raised my Aunt Nan, said it taught him a lot, Phoenix often compared to her in looks and personality. She wasn’t as mean as they say Nan was, but then she had a stable life growing up. Aunt Nan hadn’t had that. Until Uncle Cope came along she was a destructive and angry hot mess. Or at least that’s the story I’ve heard.
I turned my attention back to Bliss and the way she was studying the window. Her intensity reminded me of a moment seven years ago. It was then that I realized she was special and I wouldn’t be able to forget her.
She must have felt my gaze. Bliss paused and looked directly at me. Her eyes met mine and she smiled. As if she knew what I was thinking and she remembered it too and while remembering turned to me.
Seven years ago . . .
She was worried about her friend. He was home from basketball camp. She’d convinced her parents to let her stay another week at the beach with Larissa, who had helped with that, because her parents were constantly fretting. Eli, however, wasn’t real happy about her being with me all the time.
I woke up and headed for our spot on the beach every morning around the same time. Quite often she was there first. Others days I beat her there. At night we texted on the phone until she stopped which meant she’d fallen asleep.
This summer was a hell of a lot better than I ever imagined it being. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to Rosemary Beach next month. I liked my grandpop’s condo and the food at his bar, the way this beach was touristy, but not so exclusive and elitist like it was at home. And well, if I was being absolutely fucking honest, I liked Bliss York and was pretty sure I was in love. She ruled my thoughts.
I watched her as she watched Eli walk away. We’d been standing in line at the ice cream stand when he came up to her to talk. Asked if she wanted to go surfing with him and someone I didn’t know named Micah. She had declined and he’d glared at me, before walking away with his shoulders drooping, doing that defeated thing.
“Maybe I should have gone. We both could have gone.” Her frown was so damn sweet it hurt. Of course I had to add stark reality.
“I wasn’t invited Bliss.”
She inhaled and exhaled deeply then turned back to me. “That’s because he doesn’t know you Nate. He has to warm up to you.”
No, that wasn’t correct. It was because her friend was jealous. I saw it, understood it, but I wasn’t about to let her leave me for him. If she really wanted I’d let her go, but not because that pussy pouted and retreated like a ten-year old child.
“I could go do something else. Catch up with you later,” I replied. I tried to sound cool, like I was fine with that, but I knew this was a gamble. She could easily agree and walk off. But the way I scanned the area, as if searching for someone to hang with, was the card I was playing at that moment.
“No,” she said quickly. “I want to stay with you.”
I turned back to her and smiled. She felt it to. I knew it. I wasn’t alone in this. The girl who had gotten under my skin was feeling it just like me. Why she liked me when a girl like her fit best with an Eli was beyond me. I wasn’t sure, but damn I was lucky.
“Good,” I replied. “You make being here worth it.”
The smile that lit her face made me want to say all kinds of mushy shit. Just to see that smile again, and again and again and again . . .
Bliss York
“HAVE YOU FORGIVEN me for lying?” was the first thing he said when his sister left. I was relieved Phoenix had been here. It kept us from having this conversation long enough to get my head together.
“Yes,” I replied, because I had. I understood why he did it. It didn’t feel good but I got it.
“And have you thought about us being friends?”
He wasn’t wasting time getting to the point. But then Nate Finlay never had. The truth was there waiting and he dealt with it. It was best this got done before Octavia returned. That was probably what he was thinking at the moment.
“We have to work together. I mean you’ll be here helping Octavia. I don’t see why we shouldn’t be friends. It would make things run a little easier.”
He frowned. That hadn’t been the answer he was looking for. Well, what was? What did he want me to say? Yes! Let’s go get ice cream then kiss under the bridge like we used
to? That memory stung deep. I shoved it down. Way down. Those memories weren’t available anymore. They couldn’t be unpacked and toyed with. Not if I was going to get over him.
“Octavia will be here in the next few days . . . and . . . I have questions about the past and you . . . your illness . . . how you overcame it.”
Well boo-hoo. I bet he did. That didn’t mean I was going to open up and share with him. I didn’t want him to know. In my head, I wanted us to remain the way we were, which was stupid, because I had no future with Nate. I suppose, I had no real reason not to tell him, except I didn’t want to, didn’t have to, and would do whatever I chose. Not be pressed into telling because he carried some guilt and needed that burden lifted.
“I don’t talk about it,” I replied and continued working on the window. I had to find a way to make the scarves fit with the summer display I’d arranged. This was south Alabama. It was scorching hot in the summer. Octavia needed to remember that when she went buying stuff to sell. We both had a lot to learn and I appreciated her hiring me.
“Why?” he asked. “Why not get it off your chest?”
I rolled my eyes. Yes, I was acting like a teenager. He wanted to know something I didn’t want to talk to him about so he was going to ask me why. Did he think he’d get me to open up? Talk about it? Because he was being nosey? I’d been there and done that with plenty of people and wasn’t doing that with him.
“Because Nate. Simply BECAUSE.”
He became silent. Good. He needed to get on with his work for the day and I needed to do the same.
“You didn’t answer my texts or calls. I tried. Made the effort. It wasn’t me who turned you away.”
I closed my eyes tightly and sighed. He wasn’t letting this go. We were going to have to discuss it. Get it out in the open and deal. Which was ridiculous. We’d been kids. I had handled it the way a teenage girl knew to handle things.
“I was facing the scariest thing imaginable. What else do you need to know? I wasn’t in the frame of mind to keep up with a childhood crush.” That was a little harsh, but it was the truth and the truth can sting.
“But I thought we were more than that?”
Maybe we had been. Maybe it was my fault. I’d been confronted with something that changed me. And when I was ready to tell him it had been too late. Too much time had passed and I was different, so very different. My fairytale life had ended. The real world had slapped me in the face. A loving family and a stable home with all the support on earth, can’t save you from something like cancer. It only deals in darkness and pain. You defeat it or it defeats you. Until you experience it you don’t understand the depth of it
I folded the scarf and looked to him. “I was too scared to think about boys. About friendships or the drama of people. Because I wasn’t sure I had a future beyond my next doctor’s visit. I woke up one day with my life all planned to look a certain way. It had been so exciting, so full of dreams, but then in one doctor’s consult I was told that I had cancer. That my life wasn’t guaranteed. Nothing was ever the same and it won’t ever be.”
Nate kept his gaze on me. There wasn’t pity or fear that it could happen to him, beneath the silver pools of his eyes. I saw those two things a lot, pity and fear in people. Not seeing them in his eyes was a relief. It would have hurt. Let me down. But like I’d always known Nate was different. He wasn’t like the other boys.
He still saw me. Most people didn’t. They just saw the disease inside me. The one I had beaten, yet that seemed to remain in their minds after it was gone. I wanted to hug him for that. Thank him and rely on his judgment for that not to be weird and out of place. But he wouldn’t understand. He hadn’t lived what I had been through.
“I would’ve come back here. I’d have probably moved in with my grandpop to be close to you if I’d known.”
It hadn’t been meant to be that way. He loved his parents and sisters, his life in Rosemary Beach and it was there that he needed to stay. He belonged with them and not me. Him coming here wouldn’t have been good for Nate or his family. My guilt, over that, wouldn’t have helped my fight, and back then I fought every minute.
“We were kids. Things happen. We become different people. It’s the past now, let’s just leave it.”
Nate studied me intensely without looking away or trying to argue some point. I could see his mind working right there in the steadiness of his gaze and stance. When he finally released a sigh he nodded and said “okay.” That was all he said.
I didn’t want him to see the disappointment in my eyes so I turned back to the window. My mind was no longer focused on my work. He had agreed. He hadn’t argued. I should be relieved. The fact I wanted him to argue was silly. Childish and I wasn’t childish, not anymore I wasn’t.
I listened as he walked away. I heard the back door open and close. I squeezed my eyes tightly together wishing the ache in my chest would vanish. Leave me be for a while. Give me some peace and tranquility.
I was finally free, living on my own and had a grown-up life. Being sad was pointless now. I had so much to be happy about. I wanted that happiness I saw on other faces and wishing for something far from my reach was wasting time and effort. I knew how fleeting time could be, because I’d almost run completely out.
Once I thought that the scripture in the Bible about not being promised tomorrow was depressing and lacked any joy. Now I knew it was real. Something we all needed to accept. I did, so why was I wasting it on wishing Nate Finlay was tomorrow, the tomorrow I would claim as my future? Instead of just being my past?
Nate Finlay
I DIDN’T INTEND to stay in the back all morning. But I had. I wanted to think about what she’d said and figure out how to deal with her. I should agree and accept her suggestion. If I had more time to think about it, I knew I would have changed my mind.
But I didn’t.
Ten minutes before I was going to get Bliss and take her to lunch again Octavia came barreling in the back door with her arms full of shopping bags and a huge smile on her face.
Shit. This was too soon. I wasn’t ready for her yet. Which should’ve been a sign I acknowledged. Wanting her to stay away.
“The window looks amazing. She’s brilliant. Didn’t I tell you I’d found a perfect match for the store, a girl that knew what she was doing? She’s also easy to train. Not old and snooty. She does what I say and doesn’t question me. I like her.” Those were the first words out of her mouth after not seeing me for almost a month.
Until I returned to Sea Breeze and saw Bliss this was normal. Exactly what I wanted. It was easy, without drama, and there was no real attachment. Fuck this place and my stupid memories. What I had was perfect.
“Haven’t seen her window display yet. I’ve been back here installing the shelves you ordered.”
She frowned as she looked at the shelves. “Not as big as I had imagined.”
Octavia needed a handy man or had to make it easier for me. All she had to do was measure correctly and she would always have the proper size. I could tell her that but then she’d get pissy and have me pack it back up.
“I’ll just order a few more sets I suppose,” she said with a wave of her hand, as if this were an easy fix and she had no time to stress over it. I wondered how long this was going to entertain her? When it would become boring and she would walk away and want something else to sustain her, another fucking whim she’d abandon? Her father always granted her wishes. This was just another expedition, Octavia would eventually ignore.
The name of the store should be Whimsy’s or Whimsical or Octavia’s . . . I Don’t Really Care. That was all this was. She’d never admit that was true. When you’re enabled and rescued time and again you don’t have to look at yourself. It’s like a mirror without any glass. All you see is your next big screw up.
“I’m starving. Have you found anywhere good to eat?”
“My grandpops,” was my response. She knew it would be. Just like I knew she would scrunch her nose i
n distaste.
“No thanks. I’ll Google it. Go wash up and let’s take Bliss to have a decent lunch. I need to keep her around.”
“Bliss likes grandpops,” I shot back. That was asking for trouble. But damn if Octavia didn’t suddenly annoy me and it only took twenty fucking minutes.
She didn’t even turn back. “Of course she does. She’s simple.”
Then she walked through the door to the front of the store, her high and mighty completely intact.
Bliss wasn’t simple. Not by a long shot.
I went to the restroom, washed my hands then stared at myself in the mirror. I needed mental preparation for this. To remind myself why I chose Octavia and why Bliss wasn’t a fit. I had no place in my heart or future for all that Bliss would require. And if I admitted that . . . the idea that I could let myself love her and then have her cancer come back, scared the shit out of me.
That would break me into pieces. I wasn’t willing to be broken or made that vulnerable, which was selfish and all about my safety, the most fucking selfish thought I’d ever had and I was pretty damn sure I’d had plenty. But it was true and I accepted my truths. I didn’t pretend to be noble. At least not anymore . . .
Seven years ago . . .
I was early. Bliss told me to meet her at our spot on the beach around ten this morning. It was nine thirty. I didn’t want her to get here before me. Not after yesterday. She’d let me kiss her and it was hands down the best kiss I’d ever had. Not that I’d had that many. And I wasn’t counting Lila Kate. Neither one of us had kissed anyone before three years ago when we decided to practice on one other. It grossed us both out. Like kissing a sibling. Didn’t happen again.
Kissing Bliss had been amazing. She smelled like the coconut in her tanning oil along with something else. It was unique to her and I couldn’t get enough of it. When I leaned in to kiss her last night I was afraid she’d push me away. She hadn’t. She’d slipped her hands up my arms and linked her fingers behind my neck. It’d been hard to let go after that.
So this morning I’m waiting on her. Making sure she knew that the kiss meant a lot, that she was special and that I loved her. I hadn’t really thought love was possible until you were older and experienced. I realized I was wrong. My heart was so damn tight when I looked at her that it ached when she walked away. I wasn’t sure there was any definitive thing that could explain what love was. To me this was my definition.