CHAPTER XXII--THE CALL OF THE DESERT
As soon as Daniel arrived at the Residency next morning he sent amessage to Lord Blair, asking that he might see him. He had hardly sleptat all during the night, and his haggard face showed the ravages of hisemotion.
Lying on his bed upon the rocks above his camp, he had striven toexamine the entire situation with an impartial mind; and he would notadmit that his philosophy had failed him. His reason strove to assertitself, and to quell the tumult of his tortured heart; and again andagain he reminded himself that there was no such thing as sorrow of thesoul. It was only his body that was miserable; and could he but manageto identify himself with the spiritual aspect of his entity, the pain ofthe material world would be forgotten in the serenity of his spirit.This was a first principle of his philosophy; and yet it seemed now tobe utterly beyond his attainment.
"I could not believe in a merciful God," he thought to himself, "unlessI believed that He had placed within the reach of every man the means toovercome sorrow. Therefore the means must be at hand, if only I can takehold of them."
And again: "My reason, my soul, is unconquerable. It stands above mymiserable body. If only I can look at this disaster with the calm eyesof the spirit, I shall get the victory over the wretched torment of myheart."
In itself the actual quarrel with Muriel had presented no insuperableobstacle to their relationship. Had the trouble been an isolatedincident, it would not have been difficult for them to have kissed andmade friends; but Daniel realized that the differences between them hadbeen growing for some time, and for many days now it had seemed clear tohim that Muriel was too chained in the prison of her class ever tounderstand the freedom of the desert. He despaired of her; yet he lovedher so deeply that their estrangement was, beyond all words, terrible tohim.
While he waited in his room for Lord Blair's reply, he paced to and fro;and in his weary brain the battle which had raged all night came evernearer to a definite issue.
"I must get away from it all," he kept saying to himself. "I must goback to the desert, for only there shall I find peace."
At length a servant came to him, saying that Lord Blair would receivehim; and thereat he betook himself to the Great Man's study, hisimpulsive mind made up on the instant and eager to meet his destiny.
"Why, what is the matter, Daniel?" Lord Blair asked, as he entered theroom. "You looked troubled."
"I am more than troubled," said Daniel. "I'm in despair. It's aboutMuriel: I'm afraid we've had a definite quarrel."
Lord Blair wiggled in his chair, apparently with annoyance, thoughpossibly with nothing more than an itch.
"Ah--a lovers' tiff ...," he commented; but Daniel stopped him with agesture.
"No, it's a total estrangement," he said, fiercely. "It's been growinggradually, and now there's nothing to be done. I've come to give you myresignation. I'm going back to El Hamran."
Lord Blair suddenly sat back in his chair, his eyes fixed on his friend,the tips of his fingers touching the edge of the table as though somemovement had been arrested. "My dear Daniel," he said at last, and hespoke sharply, "control yourself! This is an absurd situation."
"Oh yes, I know," Daniel replied, "you think I'm just a fool in love,who's going off in a huff. No, that's not it. I want to go because I'velost my happiness since I've been in Cairo: I'm utterly out of tune withthe people I meet. Why, yesterday at the Cavillands' I could feel myselfbeing a boor and a bore. I couldn't laugh.... Yes, that's it; since I'vebeen amongst all these witty people I've forgotten how to laugh. GoodGod!--I hav'n't smiled for weeks. Out there in the desert, when my mindwas at peace, I was always full of laughter; I was always chuckling tomyself, just from sheer light-heartedness or whatever you like to callit. But here my heart's in my boots, and I'm blue all day long. I can'teven whistle."
"I think--indeed, I am sure--you are taking things too seriously," saidLord Blair.
"You're right," Daniel answered, quickly, interrupting him. "The gaylife makes me painfully serious; this fashionable stuff fills me withgloom. It's all this blasted chase after amusement, this immensepreoccupation with the surface of things, that gives me the hump. Yousee, to my way of thinking, light-heartedness only comes from a tranquilsort of mind. It's something deep inside oneself; one doesn't get itfrom outside--though, on the other hand, outside things do certainlyobscure one's inner vision. Real happiness--not just pleasure--seems tobe absolutely essential to life and to all human relations. It's the keyto diplomacy. You've got to see the fun of things, you've got to bubbleinside with happiness before you can really govern or be governed.You've got to be the exact opposite of sinister, and nearly the oppositeof solemn, before you can get any punch into your dealings with yourfellow men, don't you think? And how, in God's name, can one be happyunless there is the right mental atmosphere of truth, and sincerity, andtrust, and benevolence, and broad understanding?"
He spoke with intensity, and the movement of his hands added expressionto his words.
"But do you realize," said Lord Blair, "what an immense, what anunqualified success your work here has been? And now you would throw itall up just because a chit of a girl has annoyed you."
"No, you don't understand," Daniel replied. "I might have been able toignore all this miserable Society business; but when Muriel and I grewfond of one another I was drawn into it. And then, gradually, I began tosee that that was her world. At first I hoped she would be the bufferbetween me and that world, and a non-conductor, so to speak, but I findthat she transmits the shocks to me direct."
He told Lord Blair something of the more tangible trouble between them,but he would not reveal all the bitter yearning of his heart. He mighthave said "I love her, I want her to be wholly mine, I want her to comeover to my way of thinking so that I can show her where real happinessis to be found." He might have said "I am distracted by her, and I wantto go away to forget her dear eyes, and the touch of her lips, and theintoxication of her personality." But on these matters he was silent.
As he talked his mind was filled with a passionate desire for the peaceof the desert. He was like a monk, longing for the refuge of his quietmonastery walls; and he seemed to hear in his heart the gentle voice ofthe wilderness calling to him to come back into the sweet smilingsolitude, away from the sorrows of the superficial world.
"I must go back to El Hamran," he said. "I beg you not to stop me."
Lord Blair looked at him with pity. He was in the presence of an emotionwhich he could not altogether understand, but the reality of which wasvery apparent. "There must be no question," he said, "of yourresignation. Go away for a time, if you wish, but you mustn't play thedeserter."
An idea had suddenly come into his head, and he turned to Daniel withrelief in his anxious eyes. "Now listen to me," he said. "Go back to ElHamran: I can send you there on business."
He hunted about amongst his papers, and presently produced thememorandum which Benifett Bindane had handed to him. "Here are somematters upon which Mr. Bindane desires information before he starts histour of the Oases in three or four weeks' time. You can send youranswers in to him on his arrival at El Homra; and after that you canwait at El Hamran in case he comes there. After that I won't hurry youto return: I can give you leave of absence. And then, when your mind ismore settled you can come back here. The winter season will be over, andwhat you call 'Society' will have left the country for the summer."
Daniel fell in with the suggestion gladly. "You are very patient withme," he said. "I don't deserve it: I feel I'm being very cranky."
"I don't want to lose you," the elder man replied, and his sincerity wasapparent. But he was much startled when Daniel asked if he might leaveat once.
"Today?" he exclaimed, in surprise.
"Yes, now," said Daniel, emphatically. "There are practically nooutstanding matters. I can put Lestrange wise about everything in tenminutes."
Lord Blair looked at him, curiously. "Muriel won't be back from MenaHouse until this evening," he said. "Don't yo
u want to see her beforeyou go?"
"No," he replied, quickly and decisively, rising to go, "I have nothingto say to her."
Lord Blair sighed as they walked to the door. "Daniel," he said, "allthis is a great blow to me."
Thus it came about that an hour after Daniel had arrived at theResidency he was on his way back to the desert, his teeth set, and hisbrain occupied, by force of will, with his plans. He did not dare tolook into the future: he was going, as a sick man goes to an operation,to find by a path of pain the health of mind that he had lost. Perhapshe would return to the Residency; perhaps he would not; but for thepresent it was of paramount importance that he should master hiscomplaint, and regain the power to see clearly, the power to workhappily, the power to laugh.
By mid-afternoon his camp was struck, and he was ready to depart. Acamel-owner in the village of Kafr-el-Haram, near the Pyramids, hadsupplied the necessary camels and men at a moment's notice, hastened bythe enthusiasm of Hussein and his brother, both overjoyed at the goodfortune which was to take them so suddenly back to their home. Some ofthe tents and the unnecessary articles of furniture had been stored inthe village at the house of a native friend; and the remainder werepacked upon the camels.
As the afternoon shadows were lengthening the start was made. Thecamels, grumbling and complaining, lurched to their feet; the threedogs, barking with excitement, ran in circles around the company; andDaniel, swinging into his saddle, took his place at the head of thecaravan. In single file, and at a slow trot, they moved away westwards,their long shadows stretching out behind them; and soon they haddisappeared into the waste of sand and rocks, golden in the light of thedescending sun.
An hour later the picnic party, coming back from a point to the south,rode towards the Pyramids. Muriel had been very silent all day; butKate, who was in her confidence, had helped her to conceal herdepression, and now was riding by her side, a little removed from theothers. The desert had had a soothing influence upon the raw wound whichthe quarrel of the previous day had inflicted; and Muriel was alreadysomewhat happier in her mind.
"Don't you worry, old girl," said Kate. "Men have got to be managed, andyou'll soon put things ship-shape in the morning."
"But the morning is so far off," Muriel replied, pathetically.
She did not altogether understand what the trouble was about. Daniel hadattacked her so suddenly, just when she had been wholly engaged inattacking him. So far as she could make out, he had been angry with herbecause she had made a fuss about his relationship with Lizette. "Isuppose," she thought to herself, "he thinks a woman oughtn't toquestion a man's movements, or know anything about what he is doing whenhe is not with her. It doesn't seem fair somehow...."
She did not in the least realize that Daniel's hostility had beenaroused by her belief that there was anything between him and Lizette,and by her readiness, in spite of that belief, to overlook his supposeddeception as soon as she had vented her feelings by a brief show oftemper. She felt that he had been harsh, and rather brazen about thewhole thing; and yet, so greatly did she yearn for his love, she wasprepared to forgive even his brutality.
She turned to her companion. "I don't think I can wait till themorning," she said. "I'm going to ride over to his camp now, and say I'msorry. It's only a mile out of the way, and I'll be home almost as soonas you."
Kate was sympathetic. "Go on, then," she replied. "I'll hint to theothers that you've got a stomach-ache or something, and have ridden on.And let me see more colour in that old mug of yours when you get back."
She leant forward in her saddle, and struck her companion's horse withher cane, so that he went off at a gallop across the sand.
Bearing off to the left, Muriel soon described the head of rock whichoverlooked the camp; but approaching it thus from the south she knewthat the tents would not come into view until she had rounded thisridge.
She had no idea what she was going to say. She thought only that shewould go into his tent, where she would probably find him writing at histable; and she would put her arms about him, and tell him that she couldnot live under his displeasure.
At last she reached the rocks; and, as she rode round them, she drew upher reins and prepared to dismount. Then, with horrible suddenness, thetruth was, as it were flung at her. Where she had thought to see thetents, there was only a patch of broken-up sand, a few bits of paper andstraw, and innumerable footprints.
She uttered a little cry of dismay, and, with wide, frightened eyes,gazed about her. The footprints of the camels passed in a thin line outto the west, and she could see them winding away into the silent desert.