“I’m okay staying by myself. It will be great, actually. I was planning on a crazy party this weekend. Now I won’t have to worry about you getting in the way.”
“Cute, Severine,” her mom said, giving her the eye.
Severine laughed. “I think you guys will have an amazing time. When are you leaving?”
“In a few days. I figure we can arrive in time for Christmas and celebrate New Year’s!”
Her mom groaned loudly, “A trip with you? What am I thinking? I think I need to stock up on some Percocet.”
When her mom left the room, Rachel watched her walk away and anxiously moved toward the screen. “What are you really gonna do during your break?”
Severine shrugged. “I don’t know. I just found out I’ll be alone. I’ll figure something out.
“Don’t meet up with that Thayer guy,” Rachel sharply demanded.
“You mean it’s probably a bad idea to have his love child?” Severine joked.
“Use sarcasm all you want. I think you’re biting off more than you can chew.” She shifted in her seat and looked closer at Severine. “He’s a male version of you. You sure it’s a good idea to involve yourself with him?”
Severine didn’t want to talk about the truth. She didn’t want to talk about what she wanted anymore. What she wanted was off limits. “I don’t know anything anymore, Aunt Rachel.”
“That’s what scares me, sweetie.”
Severine looked at her earnestly, making sure to keep her answer vague. “You don’t need to worry about it, though. I’ll be fine.”
Rachel didn’t respond back.
Chapter Thirty-two
“Are you shoving it in right?”
Severine brushed away the flakes from her hair and glared at Lily. “No. I’m doing a few roundhouse kicks over here. That’s not what you wanted?”
“Severine. Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Lily groaned.
“Wait...you didn’t want me to go full-on ninja?”
“I love you, but I will reach over there and kick your ass.”
“Said the Polly Pocket,” Severine mumbled.
Lily looked close to ripping her hair out. Severine toned down the sarcasm and walked around Ben’s Trailblazer. “Is this whole Christmas at his parents’ getting to you?”
“Yes!” Lily pressed her face into Severine’s shoulder, making her words come out muffled. “I think I drank a whole bottle of Pepto-Bismol.”
Severine hefted a piece of Lily’s luggage into Ben’s SUV. “Why are you freaking out so much?”
“Because, I’ve never visited the ‘family,’” Lily said with air quotes.
Severine dusted off her gloves, and walked with Lily to the passenger door. “That’s a good thing! No guy would ever do that if they weren’t interested.”
“I’m just really nervous. Will they be judgmental? Not like me?”
“Lily, let me say this as kindly as I can.” Severine placed her arms on Lily’s shoulders and smiled. “You grew up in the world’s strictest home and around people that judged everyone—even on what they were wearing. I think you’re good.”
“What if they’re like my family?”
“Did Ben ask you to bring a pair of culottes?”
Lily shook her head.
“Then you’re golden.”
Lily started to relax and smiled widely. “I left all my pairs at home.”
Severine grinned. “In case they do ask, you can use my favorite excuse—the one I used when I went to church with you.”
“They’re in the wash?”
“Exactly! You can’t go wrong with that one!”
“Babe!” Ben shouted as he came running toward them. “Are you ready?”
Lily nodded her head and turned to Severine. “You gonna be okay by yourself?”
“I think I’ll be fine. I’m not a six-year-old.”
“It’s just…it’s...”
“Christmas?” Severine supplied.
“Yeah. You’re supposed to be with family!”
“You’re spending your entire break with Ben’s family,” Severine pointed out.
Lily rolled her eyes and opened the passenger door. “I spent all of Thanksgiving break with my family. I’ve met my quota.” She slammed the door and rolled down the window. “Be safe. I’ll see you later, friend!”
Severine watched them pull out and walked to her own car. She should feel lonely, but oddly she was ready for a breather...from everyone.
* * * * *
There’s something to be said about having alone time.
Severine had never felt so revitalized. Even though she was essentially trapped on campus, Severine felt a happiness that hadn’t been attached to her name in a while. Being away from everything gave her time to think, to regroup and to decide what she really wanted from her life. This year was ending on a mountain of regrets and pain. Severine didn’t want the same outcome for the next year.
The promise of a new year and a fresh start put a smile on her face.
With the blinds open, she watched the snow fall softly to the ground. Christmas had come and gone. That was the only time Severine became sad. She had Skyped with both her mom and Aunt Rachel. The smile on her mom’s face was perfection. It wiped away any doubt that her mom should’ve been with her. Maybe her mom needed a break of her own.
A few days after Christmas, cabin fever started to set in. She had spent too much time indoors. Severine needed a breath of fresh air.
She slid on her new brown leather boots, courtesy of her dad. The snow would probably ruin the distressed leather. It was hard for her to care, though, when she felt this très chic.
Her fingers ached as she finished her waterfall braid. When she glanced in the mirror, Severine loved what she saw. With her hair away from her face, her green eyes stood out more. This wasn’t a day for blush—going outside for more than a minute would tinge her cheeks pink instantly. She still put some on. Old habits were hard to break.
She grabbed an off-white jacket to put over her tan sweater as she walked to her car. She had nowhere important to go. All that mattered was how she felt.
Fresh snow molded underneath the tread of her tires as she backed out of her parking spot. Winter weather always made her nervous. Looking at the snow while indoors was great; driving in it was like the devil’s playground—she loathed it.
Severine granny-drove toward the middle of town and finally found what she was looking for. When the McDonald’s sign came within sight, Severine smiled widely as she slowly made her way into the turn lane. It was a ‘clog your arteries with grease and fat and enjoy the whole damn meal’ kind of day.
Her feet felt light as she walked across the parking lot. And if she wouldn’t have looked like a dumbass, she might’ve twirled around in a complete circle. How long had it been since her mind felt this extricated from pain?
Simple: before the Sloan Brothers.
A strong amount of wind picked up and slammed into her face. Her eyes watered at the feeling. She didn’t notice it. As the air whispered against her ear, all could she hear from it was that something great was coming in her direction. She could feel it. She could-
The door slammed into her, and Severine grunted over the impact.
In front of her stood Macsen.
Her something great was him? Really?
“You have to be fucking kidding me,” Severine mumbled angrily. It was official, she was never listening to her conscience again. It was defunct—a glitched bitch.
“Shit,” Macsen mumbled quickly. “Sorry, Severine.” His hands were filled with bags as he moved closer. The only consolation prize to being bitch slapped by a clear glass door was seeing how shitty Macsen looked.
His dark hair wasn’t combed; a flannel shirt was his sorry excuse to brave the bitter outdoors. His skin was now covered in facial hair. Severine would like to think he had given up on life all together and became a hobo, but knowing his luck he’d be on the streets for one day and be discovere
d by a modeling scout. The next thing she’d know, Macsen would be on every magazine and billboard to torture her. He’d show her, ‘Hey, I screwed you over! I got away with it!’
“It’s okay.” Severine pushed away from the filthy wall and walked away from him. She could feel Macsen’s breath on her neck.
“Sev, just wait.”
She practically ran.
“You know I’ve been trying to talk to you.”
“I know,” Severine said on a deflated sigh.
That’s why today was a celebration. Today felt different and free, because there was nothing from him. The minute she wanted to brush him away from her life, he’d leave a text or voicemail. It’d be impossible to move forward with him still within reach.
“Are you ever going to answer?”
“No. I’m not.
She watched as he clenched his jaw and gripped his hair tightly in his hands. “God! What else is there to do?”
“There’s nothing to do.”
“So nothing? You’re finished,” Macsen stated sharply.
Her heart gave a lurch, because she still remembered what it was like to be around him, what it felt like to trust him. But when that trust is based off nothing but lies, it was useless.
When she glanced up at him, it wasn’t the cold wind that made her eyes well up with tears. “We are. You and I shouldn’t talk, shouldn’t communicate. At all.”
He said nothing, but his eyes showed just how crushed he was by her words. He saw the truth.
Severine’s good mood was destroyed. She glanced at him once and opened up her car door.
“I can make this better, Sev,” Macsen said softly.
She looked over the roof of her car and shook her head. No matter how hard she looked at him, Severine realized that she had never known much about him. “No, I don’t think you ever can.”
Her car started up immediately. Severine stayed rooted in her seat and held her hands close to the vents numbly. What made the word love so great? Her conscience gently told her that maybe, maybe what she had hadn’t quite been love. Affection, lust, friendship—all of those, perhaps. But if she had to question the feelings that came with that four-letter word, maybe it was never hers to begin with.
She wanted to purge him out of her life. Now that it was done, it burned. Even when someone needed to wither out of your life, you were still left with the blisters of their decisions. To attain your soul, it hurt.
Severine dug through her glove box and searched for a Kleenex. Instead, she found a wadded up Subway napkin and wiped underneath her eyes.
Her cup holder started to vibrate awkwardly. The noise made Severine jump, and she snatched her phone swiftly. A number she knew perfectly flashed on her screen. For a second, she paused,“Hello?”
“What are you doing, Blake?” Thayer playfully asked.
“I’m sitting in a McDonald’s parking lot.”
I just saw your brother. And everything feels so final. I want to cry and celebrate at the same time.
“That sounds completely depressing.”
“It is.” Severine drummed her hands on her steering wheel and cleared her throat. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting ready to leave for my dad’s.”
“Yeah?” A pathetic tear fell down her face. Her mom was in Scotland, staring at dudes with kilts, and she was sitting here, freezing her ass off, alone.
Alone. She hated the damn word.
“He has a cabin in Tennessee. About a two hour drive from campus.”
“Neat.”
“I wanted to say good-bye to you.”
“Why?” Severine laughed out.
“Because...” he stopped talking. Severine strained to hear what he had to say. “You make tears look exquisite, but...they’re not meant for you.”
Severine turned her head every which way in the car. When Thayer knocked on her door, she screamed and dropped her phone. Thayer grinned at her as she quickly opened her door.
Minutes before, she had been with his brother and had felt crushed by their conversation. Severine was fighting to keep control, but for that bastard, she could fall to her knees and let all her efforts dribble away for him.
His hands were tucked tightly into his back pockets as he stood close to her. The intensity of his focus could’ve been rude. Those impossible gray irises that normally drove her to lunacy were trying to solve her pain. Severine wanted him to successfully work it out for her, it was conceivable that Thayer could make it better.
“Your brother was just here,” Severine uttered with a scratch in her voice.
“I know.” His eyes never left hers. “You okay?”
“My day has gone to shit, but I’m fine. Maybe you can tell me why I’m seeing both Sloan siblings at McDonald’s? Craving some tater tots?”
He shook his head. “I was going to order some food for the road.”
“For Tennessee,” Severine reiterated.
Thayer nodded. “Yeah,” he drew the word out slowly, stalling for time, “you wanna know something insane?”
“No.”
“Good. I’ll tell you anyway.” He shifted away, but not before she saw all of the frustration. Severine just didn’t know how it got there.
“I want you to come with me,” Thayer eventually blurted out.
Insane was the perfectly matched word to describe what he was thinking. And what was even more outrageous was Severine’s urge to say, ‘Let’s go right now.’
Rather than voicing her wish, she backed up against her snow-covered car. The cool liquid of the snow melted through her jeans and reminded her that she could miss this chance. She could regret this later. Already, too many maybes and whys had occurred in this year. Severine wanted to know she chose a situation with her heart fully in mind.
“Do you think Macsen is going to be there?” Thayer challenged.
Severine put confusion into words, “Am I off-base thinking families celebrate holidays together?”
Thayer looked back at her, just as confused. “He really told you nothing about the dysfunctional family we share, did he?”
Her response would be the opposite of no. That was more humiliating than Severine wanted to admit. Thayer gave her a free pass and kept talking. “No. He won’t be there. Just our older brother Mathias, my dad and stepmom.”
Stepmom. Severine really knew nothing about these brothers. She was still curious, still wanted to find out the truth.
Was she a victim of amnesia? Her past with the Sloan brothers could be transcribed into one word: disaster.
“Do you want to come along?” Thayer offered. “Or, do you want to stay in your dorm all lonely and emo?”
“How do you know I’m alone?”
“Aren’t you?”
They could play hide and seek with their words all day long. Severine was already tired of games. “Yes.”
“Just come with me.”
Severine ignored his words and pressed forward. “Your family won’t find this weird?”
“They won’t. You’ll be with me.”
For once, Severine didn’t analyze. She let her want slip free. “I’ll go.”
Chapter Thirty-three
For the longest time, Severine was scared to swim. When she was a kid it was the deep end that scared her.
She’d use her tiptoes and walk through the chlorine clear water until it reached her lips. Her foot would drag across the bottom. Back then, it seemed like the deep end just plunged into the lowest depths of the ground. It would swallow her whole.
She was diving into the deep end right now. The minute she opened her mouth and agreed to go with Thayer, her entire body sunk to the bottom. She couldn’t breathe. Her heart rate was out of control, and her lungs felt like they were on fire.
Her feet hurriedly guided her around her room. Fear tried to bite into the heels of her feet. Her emotions kept her going further. If she stopped, all those fears would completely drown her.
Severine grabbed random
garments and tossed the clothing into her suitcase at a frantic pace. She was doing something for her heart for once. She’d become a repeat offender if she could always have this sensation.
“You ready?” Thayer asked by her door.
Severine nodded and grabbed the straps of her bag. “Let’s go.”
She already knew she was smashing into a moment. She couldn’t write it off later. Her compass pointed straight at him. Repentance could chase afterwards.
“You’re a fast packer.”
“I’m excited,” Severine admitted, as they walked to his truck.
“You’re excited to travel with me?”
“You’re not that bad.”
Thayer tossed her bag into the backseat. “Neither are you.”
For the first thirty minutes of the trip, Severine bounced her legs up and down nervously. What the hell was she doing? She went through so many feelings, but none of them involved Thayer taking her back.
“So your parents are divorced,” Severine stated.
“You want the story?”
God, did she ever. Severine toyed with the radio and shrugged. “Sure.”
Thayer rested his arm on the console in between them. Severine visualized him resting on her. “Our parents have been divorced since we were little. My dad remarried. My older brother, Mathias, and I went to stay with him. Macsen stuck near our mom.”
“You say that like it’s a death sentence.”
Thayer’s laugh was ominous. “Because it is. My mom’s a piece of work.”
“Well, that’s kind of you,” Severine said slowly.
“If you ever meet her, you’ll get it.”
Severine skipped to another question quickly. “So do you get along with your dad and stepmom?”
“Yes, I get along with Dad and Jayni just fine.” Just by saying their names, his voice perked up.
“It’s my turn. And you...let me guess, you have the perfect family,” Thayer said confidentially.
“Nope. My parents married and divorced when I was only a few months old. I have a stepbrother named Rennick, and my dad travels around Europe. I’m pretty sure he lives in Czech right now.”
Thayer whistled. “You’re pretty sure?”