‘I was mostly talking about you, Tilly. I’ve been so worried because I know how sad you’ve been, and I’ve been a bit of a wet week as a dad.’
‘No, you’ve been a lovely dad,’ I said.
‘I wish,’ said Dad. ‘But anyway, Simon said you’re happy and well-adjusted and seemed to think I’d done a reasonable job with you – and he’s a head teacher, so he really does know about children.’
‘And I know all about dads, and you’re the best,’ I said, and gave him a big hug.
Chapter Thirteen
I HAD HEAPS and heaps to tell Matty at school the next day. I told her about the Flower wedding before school. I told her more at playtime. I told her during lunch and when we were playing ball in the playground afterwards. She listened carefully and made all the right noises and even said she was sure I had looked lovely in the bridesmaid’s dress, but somehow she didn’t really seem interested. She even yawned when I was telling her all about the Flowers.
‘Matty! Don’t act like you’re bored!’ I protested, bouncing the ball at her.
‘Well, you have gone on and on about it, Tilly. Still, I’m truly glad you had a chance to be a bridesmaid and wear that stupid dress,’ said Matty, bouncing the ball even harder.
‘It’s a beautiful dress. The most beautiful bridesmaid’s dress ever. And I’m going to be wearing it again, not this Saturday but next,’ I said happily, throwing the ball high in the air.
‘Really? You got another reply?’
‘Yes, and Dad and I went to Sunday lunch with them, and they’re soooo nice, and they’re thrilled that I’m going to be their bridesmaid,’ I said triumphantly, giving her an easy catch.
‘Is this another old couple then?’ Matty asked, bouncing the ball herself and then kicking it again and again, doing Keepie Uppie.
‘No! Well. Sort of middle-aged. Simon’s a teacher, though obviously not at our school, and Matthew has that lovely bookshop by the market,’ I said.
‘Two men?’ said Matty. ‘Rats, you made me miss the ball! Why do they want a bridesmaid?’
‘Well, because they want their wedding to look weddingy.’
‘Yes, but the whole point of being a bridesmaid is that you’re a maid of the bride, and you’re supposed to sort out her dress and veil and all that stuff. You can’t do that if there are two grooms,’ said Matty, bouncing the ball hard at me.
‘Don’t be mean,’ I said. The ball stung my hand slightly. Perhaps that’s why I had to blink my eyes hard.
‘I’m not being mean. I’m just pointing out a fact, that’s all. I’d have thought you’d have wanted to be a bridesmaid at a proper fancy do like my Aunt Rachel’s, seeing as you’re so fixated on weddings. Though goodness knows why. The food was OK at Aunt Rachel’s, but apart from that I was bored out of my skull and I felt a right twit in all those frills. Why can’t they have bridesmaid’s trousers? If I ever get married, I’ll definitely wear trousers instead of a bride’s dress.’
‘Well, you’ll look stupid then,’ I snapped.
‘No I won’t. I’ll have white trousers, with a white jacket, and white boots,’ said Matty. ‘I’ll look seriously cool.’
‘You’ll look seriously dirty, because you won’t be able to keep anything clean even for five minutes,’ I said. I threw the ball at her. Hard.
She threw it back even harder. I ducked, but it caught me on the forehead.
‘Ouch!’ I bent over, clutching my forehead.
‘Tilly? Oh, Tilly, are you OK?’ Matty asked.
‘No!’
If I’m absolutely truthful, it didn’t hurt that much, but it meant I could have a little cry. Matty saw the tears and started panicking.
‘Oh no, I hit that bit above your eye. I think that’s your temple, and my dad knew someone once playing cricket and they got hit on their temple and they died! They dropped down dead there and then!’ she wailed.
It was obvious to both of us that I hadn’t been instantly struck dead but I started panicking too. Matty clutched my hand and we ran up to the teacher on playground duty – our own Miss Hope.
‘Miss Hope, Miss Hope, I think Tilly’s dying and it’s all my fault!’ Matty shouted. ‘I hit her on the temple!’
‘She didn’t mean to, she truly didn’t,’ I said, because she was still my best friend even though we were quarrelling, and I didn’t want her to be arrested for attempted murder.
‘Hey, hey, calm down, girls,’ said Miss Hope. She smoothed back my hair and looked at my forehead carefully. ‘I think you’ll live, Tilly. You might get a little bruise, but that’s all. It’s just a minor bump.’
I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. I rather wanted my head to swell alarmingly and my whole forehead to turn black and blue. Still, I was relieved for Matty’s sake.
She flung her arms round me and gave me a hug. ‘I’m so sorry, Tilly!’ she said.
I hugged her back. ‘I’m sorry as well. I think I might have been trying to hit you with the ball too, but my aim isn’t as good as yours,’ I admitted, feeling ashamed.
‘You two!’ said Miss Hope. ‘You’re best friends and yet you keep quarrelling as if you were worst enemies. What was it all about this time?’
‘Being a bridesmaid,’ I said.
‘I see,’ said Miss Hope, though it was clear she didn’t.
I started explaining, and it took so long that Miss Hope sat down on the step by the canteen and we sat on either side of her. She seemed very worried about my rent-a-bridesmaid advertisement, but was reassured when I told her all about the lovely Flower wedding and how special it had been.
‘Yes, I think it sounds a very special wedding,’ said Miss Hope. ‘And romantic too. It just shows that you, you can fall in love at any age.’
‘I don’t think I’m going to fall in love,’ said Matty. ‘I think weddings are rubbish. Especially all the fancy clothes. I’m wearing trousers if I ever get married. You are allowed to wear trousers at your own wedding, aren’t you, Miss Hope?’
‘You can wear anything you want,’ she said.
‘What would you wear at your wedding, if you were ever thinking of getting married?’ Matty asked.
‘Matty!’ I hissed, because it wasn’t the sort of thing you should ask your teacher.
Miss Hope was used to Matty, and just laughed again. ‘I’m not actually thinking of getting married, but if I were, then I know I wouldn’t want to wear a white meringue dress. I’d look silly in it anyway, and I’d have to go on a serious diet. Talking of which . . .’ She felt in her pocket and brought out a bar of dairy milk chocolate with caramel. ‘This is my secret treat when I’m on playground duty. It’s my chocolate comfort diet. Want to share with me?’
She broke it into thirds and we all munched happily.
‘You still haven’t said, Miss Hope,’ Matty persisted. ‘Might you want to wear trousers too?’
‘Not trousers. I haven’t got the figure for them either. Oh, I don’t know what I’d choose. I’m going to a wedding soon and I still haven’t decided what to wear just as a guest. I’m hopeless at buying clothes. I suppose I’d like something elegant and slim-looking, but not so tight that it showed all my lumps and bumps.’ She sketched a shape in the air.
‘I think that would look lovely, Miss Hope,’ I said politely. ‘And would you have a bridesmaid?’
‘Well, I don’t have any little nieces, so in the extremely unlikely event that I get married in the near future, I’ll bear you in mind, Tilly. And you too, Matty, if you ever get your bridesmaid’s trousers,’ said Miss Hope. ‘Now, what did you do this weekend, while Tilly was having such an exciting time in her bridesmaid’s dress?’
‘I went to the zoo and it was absolutely ace. Especially the monkeys! They were so gross! And then Marty and I had such fun imitating them, and this old granny lady said we were very rude little girls.’ Matty started giggling, and then clapped her hand over her mouth, looking guilty.
‘Yes, you should certainly be ashamed of yourself,’ sa
id Miss Hope, trying to look stern.
But I knew why Matty had suddenly stopped talking. Marty-and-I-had-such-fun. Each word was like a little punch to my stomach. But I hated to see Matty looking so upset now. I really didn’t want to be a Julie-type friend.
I made a big effort. ‘Did you and Marty like the lemurs?’
‘Oh, we absolutely loved the lemurs!’ Matty said. She chatted about them till the bell went for afternoon school. She talked even more about them when we were going back to her place. And she talked about the lions and the tigers. And the elephants. And the penguins. And the petting zoo with the rabbits and the guinea pigs. And she went on and on about the goats, because they tried to eat Marty’s cardigan.
I wouldn’t have minded if they’d eaten Marty herself as well as her wretched cardigan, but I smiled valiantly. Matty looked incredibly relieved. It was Lewis who eventually said, ‘Just shut up about your trip to the boring old zoo and let’s play Warrior Princesses.’
So we did. I decided that one of Princess Power’s dinosaurs had a silly, self-satisfied face – very much how I imagined Marty. I played with total determination, encouraging my troupe of ponies to gallop in a herd. They all reared up when Princess Pony whistled and knocked DinoMarty flying. Then they galloped over her for good measure. It was very enjoyable and Matty didn’t suspect a thing.
Matty ran ahead for supper while Lewis and I were still washing our hands.
‘Honestly, Matty does go on and on sometimes,’ said Lewis.
‘Yes, she does,’ I said.
‘About that zoo.’
‘Yep.’
‘And Marty.’
‘Mmm,’ I said, swishing soap round and round in my hands.
‘She’s OK, I suppose,’ said Lewis. ‘She’s funny.’
I said nothing at all. My hands were becoming incredibly clean.
‘But she’s not as much fun as you, Tilly,’ Lewis persisted.
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Well. Thank you. But I’m not sure Matty thinks that.’
‘Oh, she does. She said so,’ said Lewis.
‘Really?’ I said breathlessly.
‘Yes, I asked her on Saturday night after we went to bed, when she was going on and on about all the funny things Marty had done at the zoo. I said, “Matty, is Marty your new best friend now?” And do you know what she said?’
‘What?’ I said, struggling to sound casual. I scooped up some soap suds and blew at them, as if I didn’t have a care in the world.
‘She said, “Don’t be daft, Lewis. Marty’s a very good friend and I like her a lot, but you know perfectly well that Tilly is my best ever friend and she always will be.”’
‘She really truly said that?’ I asked, abandoning all attempt to pretend I didn’t care.
‘Yes, she did. And I don’t blame her. You’re much more fun than that Marty.’
I gave Lewis a big soapy hug. I decided I liked him very, very nearly as much as Matty herself.
Matty and I got on wonderfully all week – at school and at her home. Then, on Friday after school, Angie came into the bedroom and started searching in all the cupboards and drawers.
‘What are you looking for, Mum?’ Matty asked.
‘Those armband things you used to have – you know, the inflatable ones you wear to help you swim. I thought Lewis might like them tomorrow,’ she said.
So there was going to be another outing on Saturday, and this time Lewis was invited too. I squashed one of my ponies between my knees and started combing his mane very fiercely with a little plastic brush.
‘I don’t need them, Mum. I’m sure I can swim heaps better now. I won’t need armbands – I’ll just whizz up and down the pool,’ said Lewis.
‘Yeah, as if,’ said Matty. ‘You can barely swim two strokes and then you have to put your foot on the bottom of the pool. You can’t swim at all.’
‘Don’t be mean, Matty,’ said Angie, scrabbling through odd shoes and strapless school bags and headless dolls at the bottom of the wardrobe. ‘Honestly, you two! Why do you have to get everything in such a mess and muddle?’ She didn’t sound particularly cross, though, and when she backed out of the wardrobe, she stepped carefully over our three princesses and their assorted armies.
‘I can so swim,’ Lewis muttered. ‘I just put my foot on the bottom of the pool to check it’s there.’
‘Can you swim, Tilly?’ Matty asked. ‘I can swim a whole length without stopping – and back again.’
I didn’t say anything. I just bent my head and held the pony tight. Matty misunderstood. She shuffled towards me on her knees and put her arm round me.
‘It doesn’t really matter if you can’t swim, Tilly. It’s easy-peasy really. And you can wear the armbands, seeing as Lewis says he can swim OK.’
‘Perhaps we can wear one each,’ said Lewis. ‘You can come tomorrow, can’t you, Tilly?’
‘You’re going swimming with Marty?’ I said. ‘I’m not sure. I think Dad and I are going shopping.’ I didn’t want to go swimming with Marty. I didn’t want to do anything with Marty.
‘We’re not going with Marty,’ said Matty. ‘This is just us – well, Mum and Dad and Lewis and me. We’re going swimming in the Lido now it’s warm enough. We’re going to have a picnic too. Do come! Couldn’t you go shopping with your dad on Sunday instead?’
‘Maybe I could,’ I said, my heart thumping. ‘If – if that’s OK?’
‘Of course it’s OK,’ said Angie. ‘And why not invite your dad too? Does he like swimming?’
I tried to think. We’d never been to a swimming baths together, though I’d gone to the pool once a week at my old school. When we were on holiday, Mum and I sometimes went swimming, but Dad generally minded our stuff on the beach. Perhaps he couldn’t swim?
‘I’m not sure,’ I said. ‘I don’t think he does.’
‘Well, ask him anyway. Never mind if he doesn’t want to come. We’re probably setting off about half past two, when our lunch has gone down,’ said Angie. ‘Ah! Look what I’ve found!’
The armbands were tucked up tightly in an old pair of Spider-Man pyjamas. They both had hankies tied round them. Angie held them up, looking quizzical.
‘Oh yes, I remember. I was pretending they were my twin babies ages ago. The hankies are their nappies,’ said Lewis.
‘Those nappies must be pretty wet by now,’ said Matty, laughing. ‘Oh, Lewis, you are soooo crazy. Isn’t he, Tilly?’
‘No, I think he’s fun,’ I said. ‘I wish I had a brother like Lewis.’
I wished I were part of a family of four. I loved Dad very much, but it was sometimes lonely being just a family of two.
When Dad came to collect me, Angie asked if he’d like to go swimming at the Lido.
‘I’m not really a swimming kind of person, but thanks very much for asking,’ Dad said predictably. ‘Still, I’m sure Tilly would love to go.’
I was quiet in the car going home. When Dad was preparing his supper (a Scotch egg and a tomato and oven chips – he didn’t generally bother to do real cooking), he asked me if I was all right.
‘You do want to go swimming with Matty, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘But?’
‘But I wish you’d come too, Dad.’
‘Oh, Tilly. I’m rubbish at swimming. Not like your mum. She swam like a little fish. Remember our seaside holidays?’
‘Yes.’
‘Darling, I’m so sorry Mum’s not around to go swimming with you,’ said Dad, putting his arm round me.
‘You’re around. I want you to come,’ I persisted.
‘But you love being with Matty and her family. You don’t need me to come too, you funny old thing.’ He bent down and rubbed his cheek on the top of my head.
‘I do need you. I want us to be a family too,’ I said. ‘I don’t mind if you can’t swim. I tell you what, you could borrow Matty’s armbands instead of Lewis.’
Dad laughed then. ‘I don’t think so! I can swim a bit. Just no
t very well. I never learned properly as a child. Look, I’ll come along too, and watch you having fun in the pool. I’ll even put on a pair of swimming trunks if that will make you happy. I just won’t go swimming myself, OK?’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘You promise?’
‘Yes, I promise,’ said Dad.
We settled down on the sofa to watch television together, and when Dad’s oven chips were ready, he shared them with me.
In the morning he phoned Matty’s mum and said he’d changed his mind and would like to come too. Then he shut himself in his bedroom to try on his swimming trunks.
‘They’re a bit big for me now,’ he called. ‘Just as well I’m not intending to swim. Imagine the embarrassment if they fell off as I dived in! You’d better check your costume too, Tilly. Heavens, you’ve had it for a couple of years. It’s probably way too small for you now. We’ll have to nip out to the shops and buy you another.’
But my swimming costume still fitted me perfectly. I hadn’t grown very much at all since Mum went. I remembered the last time I’d worn it. It still smelled very faintly of suntan lotion. Dad always rubbed it on my back and shoulders for me. Mum never bothered with suntan lotion and went golden brown every summer. I remembered her running into the sea in her red bikini, her hair blowing in the wind. I chased after her, calling, ‘Mum! Mum! Wait for me!’ I thought she’d forget all about me and swim out towards the horizon, and then there would be no one to catch me and pick me up if a wave knocked me over. She’d waded out through the shallows, and then I saw her dive right under the water. I couldn’t see her for ages and I started to panic, dashing into the sea after her – and then, all of a sudden, she burst out of the waves right in front of me, laughing and hugging me tight.
I loved that moment. I replayed it in my head time after time. I even dreamed it – but it got all mixed up and horrible in my dreams. Mum simply swam away from me, far out to sea, and I shouted myself hoarse, but she went further and further until I couldn’t see her head bobbing along any more – there was just wave after wave of empty water.
I felt panicky now just remembering, but I stared at myself in my bedroom mirror and looked straight into my eyes.