“There are other ways to do it. Healthy ways,” William said tightly. “No matter how anybody spins it, I’m guilty, Angel. I’ve learned to live with the guilt, but it’s not easy. Now the question is, can you?”
Chapter Twenty-One
William
Now that part of the truth was out, I didn’t want to look Angel in the eyes. I was afraid of what she thought of me, afraid she would hate me, that she would despise me for taking what I had from her. Now that she knew what a monster I was, there was no way she could love me. And, of course, I couldn’t blame her. And, yes, I was angry with myself that I hadn’t told her about Janet and the child. But I’d decided to wait on this particular piece of information until I had confirmation that the child was, in fact, mine. At this point, I still didn’t know if Janet had fabricated the whole story about us having a child because I had yet to see so much as a photo of him.
Once I finished telling my story, I found I was exhausted. It felt like I was supporting the weight of the world on my shoulders, a weight that was forcing me down, crushing me little by little. The invisible weight was so much that I couldn’t remain, that I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t say anything and neither did Angel. We were both lost to our own thoughts.
“I’m sorry for what I did to you,” I said at last, feeling the need to make her understand that I hated myself for taking her virginity from her, that I didn’t deserve it. “I understand if you hate me,” I continued as I glanced over at her and found her gaze riveted to her hands. “I hate myself for not being strong enough to say no.”
She looked up at me then, her beautiful blue eyes deep, reflective pools. They were glassy with unshed tears. “I don’t hate you, William,” she said in nearly a whisper. “And you shouldn’t hate yourself.”
“I should have had more control,” I insisted as I shook my head and berated myself for my weakness. Of all the times I should have been strong... “But I was weak.”
“No,” she said as she scooted closer to me, so that she was practically on my lap.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I faced her, feeling an emptiness that weighted my entire body.
“Shhh,” she said as she brought her index finger to my lips and then wedged herself in between my legs. She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head against my chest. I inhaled deeply, loving the clean, floral scent of her hair and skin. “I forgive you, William,” she whispered into my ear. “I forgive you just like you need to forgive yourself.”
I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I heard the words, of course, but they held no meaning. I gripped her by the arms and pulled her away from me as I faced her. “I don’t understand,” I said, sounding gruff without intending to. “You forgive me?”
She nodded, smiling at me as she reached out and traced her index finger down the line of my cheek. “I forgive you for everything you’re holding onto. For the cocaine, for your partner’s death, for your own self-hatred. I forgive you because you won’t forgive yourself.”
“I don’t,” I started. “I don’t understand how you can feel that way,” I said finally as I pushed her away a step or two, suddenly uncomfortable with her proximity. “Didn’t you hear what I just told you? Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“Yes, of course,” she answered with that sweet expression on her face. “I heard every word you said, and I don’t care about your past. All I care about is your present, the man you are today, the here and the now.” She reached forward and placed her palm against my heart. “And I know that man is a good one, a kind one, a caring and loving one.”
“Angel,” I muttered as I shook my head. “You can’t,” I started.
“I can and I do,” she interrupted me. “I love you, William Black. And I don’t care about your past. I don’t care about the mistakes you’ve made. I don’t care about any of that. I only care about you and us.”
I was floored, stunned. I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I just didn’t understand how this stunningly beautiful creature could still be standing here telling me this. After everything I’d just said to her about my past, she should have been looking for the nearest escape route and instead, here she was, standing in front of me with an expression of sincere love in her eyes. I shook my head, feeling even more angry with myself because she didn’t know the full truth. I wondered momentarily if I should tell her but then decided not to. There was no point in possibly ruining something when I didn’t even know if Janet was being honest with me. Better to find out the whole truth rather than further worrying Angel over something that maybe wasn’t worth worrying about.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” I said finally, dropping my gaze because I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. “I didn’t deserve your virginity and I don’t deserve…you.”
“Yes, you do,” she insisted as she took my hand. “Look at me, William.”
I brought my eyes back to hers although it was an inordinately difficult task. There was no judgment in them; they were just open pools of beautiful azure, reflecting nothing but love and understanding. How or why, I still didn’t understand.
“I’m not going to turn my back on you or us just because you have a history. Everyone does, and I won’t hold yours against you. It made you the man you are today, and you should look at it the same way,” she insisted, her chin held high.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I said as I shook my head and wondered how I had ever been so lucky to have walked into Angel’s life when I did. She was nothing short of incredible.
“Say you will give this a try,” she said with a smile as she squeezed my hand. “Say you will give us a try.”
As much as I wanted to, I knew it wasn’t fair. Not when she didn’t know that my ex-wife was now living in Marshall Heights, claiming to have my child. No, this was not a fair situation at all, and I needed to avoid it until I figured out what was going on with Janet. I couldn’t get involved with Angel until the Janet situation was handled. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” I started with a sigh. “I’m just afraid I can’t be what you want me to be.”
“No,” she said as she shushed me with her index finger on my lips. “I want you, William. That’s all I want.”
I inhaled deeply as I thought about what she was asking of me and whether or not I was prepared to give it to her. Yes, everything with Janet was up in the air, but I was firmly convinced that once she realized there was no future between the two of us, she’d return to Las Vegas and try to find some other sap to shack up with. And as far as the child was concerned? I’d tackle that bridge once she could prove to me that it was worth tackling.
So did that mean I was actually considering what Angel was proposing? Even though I was scared shitless at the idea of opening myself up to another woman, I also knew there was no way I was prepared to allow Angel to walk out of my life because it would simply be a matter of time before some other guy tried to claim her as his. And there was no way that was going to happen.
I wasn’t good at conversation, so I didn’t even try. Instead, I gripped her around the waist and pulled her into me. Her eyes widened momentarily, but then a smile spread across her lips because she understood what I was saying without having to say it. We both stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds before I did what I’d been waiting to do for so long, what I’d neglected to do while I was inside of her.
I brought my lips down to hers and tasted her. As soon as she opened her lips to me, I plunged my tongue inside of her mouth, searching for hers. And once I found it, I didn’t let up.
Instead, I kissed her in such a way that she understood what my answer was—that she understood what she meant to me. She was my woman, and she always would be. I would be the man she wanted and needed me to be, and I would do it all because I did love her, because there was no way I couldn’t love her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
William
After what had transpired between Angel and me, it was t
ime to take care of the situation with Janet for good. There was no way I wanted her getting in the way of my blossoming relationship with Angel. And, furthermore, the sooner I could convince Janet that Marshall Heights wasn’t the place for her, the sooner I could ensure that she didn’t seek Angel out. Furthermore, it was of paramount importance that Janet not believe there was anything going on between Angel and me. If she did, she would do her best to sabotage it, of that I was sure.
I’d spent the morning researching Hillcrest Hospital because I wasn’t fully convinced that it was even a real place. Yes, Janet had provided me with her release form from the hospital but it could have been an easy thing to fabricate. So, I looked the hospital up online and found it was a real place. But that didn’t mean that Janet had been a patient there. She could have easily done the same thing I just had in order to make her paperwork more legitimate.
So I called the hospital and told them I was a policeman with the Las Vegas Metropolitan police department and that I was looking for information regarding one of their patients. Luckily the woman who answered the phone was immediately nervous about the fact that I was a cop because she gave me way more information than she should have. I was able to gather that Janet had been a patient, and the time she said she’d spent there lined up. When I asked about whether or not there was mention of her having a child, the woman said there was nothing in her paperwork that confirmed that fact. She said the reason Janet had committed herself was due to depression and a drug problem.
After I got off the phone with the woman, I was more convinced that Janet wasn’t telling me the truth. More than half of me didn’t even believe that the child was real. Her story just wasn’t adding up. And now it was time to make her understand that her time in Marshall Heights needed to be over because we were over.
I texted Janet and told her I wanted to meet with her. She responded right away that she was free this morning so I threw on a jacket and started down the mountain. Of course I thought about stopping to say hello to Angel once I was finished with Janet, but then I decided it wasn’t a good idea. I had a bad taste in my mouth from my dishonesty regarding Janet, and I didn’t want to further taint the situation by seeing Angel afterwards and pretending like everything was okay, like I hadn’t lied to her by omission.
When I pulled up in front of Janet’s apartment building, I prayed to myself that this visit would be short. Of course I knew it would be fraught with drama, and I’d probably end up with a screaming, crying or kicking Janet, but I was prepared for that. As long as I could get her to agree to get the hell out of Marshall Heights, that was all I could ask for. However it happened was however it happened.
I knocked on the door, and she answered it right away. She was dressed in a skin-tight, white t-shirt that was so see-thru, I could clearly make out the lines of her bra underneath. She’d paired it with jean shorts that revealed the swells of her ass cheeks. Clearly, she’d put some thought into her outfit. Her long, strawberry blonde hair fell around her shoulders in waves, and she’d done her eyes and her lips.
Once upon a time, seeing her like this would have been enough for me to devour her on the spot. There was a time when this woman not only owned my heart, but she controlled it entirely. Janet had been my entire world. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. And then came the moment I walked in on her having sex with someone else. A part of me died that day. Maybe it was my innocence or my naïve belief that the world was a happy place. Whatever it was, I’d never been the same again.
Strangely enough, now that I looked at her, she didn’t turn me on at all. If anything, just seeing her made me exhausted as I thought about the struggle I was about to have on my hands.
“Will,” she said as she gave me a suggestive expression and opened the door wide.
“I can’t stay long,” I blurted immediately, not wanting to give her the wrong idea as to why I was here. Even though Janet was far from being someone I liked, I also didn’t want to rub her nose in the fact that I was no longer remotely interested in her. I’d rather spare her her pride.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” she asked as she closed the door behind us and followed me into the center of the living room, the only place where I could actually see the carpet beneath my feet. The rest of the place was an absolute pigsty, unpacked boxes skimming all the walls, clothing strewn here and there, pizza boxes and beer bottles everywhere. Hmm, it seemed Janet had given up drugs (maybe) and taken up alcohol instead.
She sidled up next to me, and I took a step away, clearing my throat as I looked down at her. She was looking up at me with a hopeful expression, like she thought I might lean down and kiss her. That was the furthest thought from my mind. The absolute furthest. The thought of it completely disgusted me.
“We need to figure out what’s going on,” I started as I took another step away from her. She was just too close to me. So much so that I was nearly suffocating from the cloud of floral perfume that hung around her.
“I agree,” she started. “Have you considered what I want?”
“My feelings haven’t changed,” I started as I held my chin up firmly. Her eyes instantly narrowed as her cheeks colored. “And I hope you believe me that there is no money to go after.”
“So you expect me to raise our child by myself with no help?” she demanded angrily, crossing her arms against her enormous chest.
“I’m not saying that at all,” I responded. “In fact, if the child is mine, I’ll happily take care of him just like a father should.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I’m not even convinced this child exists,” I answered honestly.
Janet’s mouth dropped open in faux shock and offense. “How can you even suggest that I would lie about something like that?”
“Because all you did was lie,” I answered, not in the mood to go into the proof I had that supported my claim.
“I’m not lying about this,” she insisted.
“Okay, so where is he?” I demanded with a shrug.
“I already told you,” she started as I interrupted.
“He’s with your brother, that’s right.” I took a breath. “The same brother who you didn’t speak to the entire time we were married? The same brother who basically disowned you and wanted nothing to do with you?”
She frowned at me. “After I was released from the hospital, we put our differences aside. He got married, and his wife wanted him to fix the relationship he had with me. So that’s one of the things we’ve been working on, and we have a much better relationship now.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear it, but it still doesn’t do much to prove the fact that you and I really do have a son together,” I started as she glared at me. “What about a photo? I’m sure you’ve got tons of photos of him on your phone?”
Her angry expression dropped. “I, uh, I got a new phone as soon as I came here. When I was in the hospital, I wasn’t allowed to have a phone so I turned my old one off. But then realizing I’d need one once I got out, I purchased one in town.”
“So you have no photos of your own son?”
“Not right now,” she answered. “I’ve only been here for two weeks, Will. It’s not like I’ve been here long.”
“I get that, but aren’t you missing him?”
“Of course I do! God, you make me sound like I’m a monster or something!”
“I’m not saying that at all,” I said as I held my arms up in mock surrender. “All I’m saying is that I would imagine a mother who hadn’t seen her son in two weeks would ask her brother to send her pictures of him.”
“Fine,” she said as she reached for her cell phone which was lying on the kitchen counter beside two cartons of carryout. “I’ll text my brother and ask him to send me pictures.” Then she busied herself with her phone for a few seconds before she put it back on the counter.
“The point of this whole visit is that I don’t know how I can be more clear to you that I don’t
want to get back with you,” I started, trying to say it as nicely as I could. I wasn’t sure if I was succeeding. “And if you want money, I’m not going to give you anything until you can prove the child is mine.” I shook my head as I thought about how ludicrous this whole situation was. “You haven’t even told me his name.”
“Samuel,” she answered immediately.
“Well, I hope you understand that once you are able to prove that you do have a son, of course I’m going to insist on a paternity test to prove that he really is mine,” I continued as her frown deepened. “So I guess what I’m saying is you have some thinking to do.”
“Some thinking to do?”
“Yes, if everything you’re saying is true, then that’s fine and good,” I started. “But if it isn’t true, you’re going to put yourself through a whole lot of shit for no reason. Not to mention that we both know you hate living in this town.”
She sighed. “I can’t deny that.”
“You don’t need to,” I pointed out. “It’s written all over your face. But you already reached that conclusion the second you set foot in this place.” I looked at her for a few seconds because I could tell she was considering what I was saying. The fight she’d had in her eyes the last couple of times I’d seen her was fading away. “You belong in Las Vegas, Janet, with your family and friends. You have nothing here.”
“I thought I had you.”
“You don’t, Janet,” I said as softly as I could. “We are different people now; you know it as well as I do.”
She started to nod and then an angry grimace took hold of her features again. “Is this because you’re involved with the girl from the bank? Is that why you’re so against the idea of making it work with me?”
“No,” I insisted even though there was a part of me that felt guilty for lying about Angel. I just knew it wouldn’t do either of us any good if Janet knew she’d lost to someone else. Not that I ever would have taken her back anyway. “This has nothing to do with anyone. I’m not dating anyone. I just don’t believe that you and I are good for each other.”