“I’m sorry,” Angel said as she shook her head and inhaled deeply. “I shouldn’t have come here like this, uninvited,” she finished. She immediately turned around and started for the front door, leaving me a clear visual of her round, high little butt which was accentuated by her tight jeans.
Even though I’m not an emotional man, luckily I do possess some semblance of proper etiquette which ensured me that I was being a rude host. In response, I propelled myself forward, intersecting Angel and the door as she nearly stepped right into my chest. She brought her hands up, as if afraid she was going to collide with me, at the same time that I gripped her around her upper arms and held her in place. Both of us were panting as we just stood there, staring at each other, like two gaping, open-mouthed fish.
“I don’t want you to go,” I managed at last as a memory of the rosy bead of her nipple met me, and I felt myself flush from the top of my head all the way to my groin. I cleared my throat and wished I wasn’t so subject to my feral needs when Angel was around. “I’m sorry if it seemed like I forgot my manners.”
“No,” she insisted immediately, nearly interrupting me, as she shook her head. I had to fight to keep my eyes on hers because every time she shook her head, her breasts jostled from side to side from underneath the thin material of her turtleneck sweater. Even though the damn thing was black, the material was so sheer, I could easily make out the swells of her cleavage beneath the flimsy fabric. “I just I… I’m the one who showed up here unannounced and took you by surprise so, if anyone is forgetting her manners, it’s me.”
“It’s okay,” I said as I released her arms and tried to ignore the flush that was still warming my entire body. This woman just did something to me—she made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. Of course, as a man, I had sexual needs, but I usually dismissed them easily enough by rubbing one out and then focusing on other things. But not with Angel. Ever since I’d first spotted her in the bank, every longing I had centered around claiming her.
She laughed nervously as she looked up at me, a pinkish hue staining her cheeks. She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. So pure. So innocent. So wholesome and so completely out of my league.
“You want to know my feelings for you?” I repeated, realizing she was now too embarrassed to broach the subject again. Not that I felt much better about it, but I figured if Angel had come here wanting answers, answers she would get. I owed her that much.
She dropped her gaze, looking down at her toes, and I could tell she was feeling about as awkward as I was. “Not if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“It does,” I answered, figuring there was no reason to lie. She glanced up at me again, her blue eyes wide pools of mortification. It seemed like she appreciated honesty, so I was going to make sure she at least got that out of me, if nothing else.
“I’m sorry,” she started.
“Don’t apologize,” I interrupted as I held her gaze. I wasn’t sure what my eyes reflected, but I was hoping they were conveying the depth of my sincerity and my profound apology for what I was about to do, or rather not do.
I was quiet for a few seconds as I stared into her beautiful eyes and searched for the right words. But once that search yielded nothing but more confusion and discomfort, I just decided to say whatever came into my head.
“I can only offer you friendship,” I started on an exhale as I watched her expression fall. I wanted to kick my own ass right now. Friendship? With this woman? What the hell was wrong with me? I could no more manage that than I could control the weather. But I had to. Not only was I a bad bet for her in general, but my life was way too messy at the moment with Janet and a possible baby…
As for why Angel’s expression fell, it made no sense to me. I didn’t understand why, but she was disappointed. It was there in the way her upper eyelashes dusted her cheeks and in the visible sag of her shoulders. Her reaction made no sense to me because I was more than sure she had to know that I wasn’t good for her. She and I had no business together, we were polar opposites, and she could have any man she wanted. She had to know that she shouldn’t want me, that she was the sun to my darkness. Yet, she didn’t seem to be aware of that, and it appeared that it was up to me to make her see it. The hard way. Even if every nerve in my body screamed at me that I was being an idiot.
“I understand,” she said solemnly. “And I appreciate your friendship, William.”
Those words were like a knife in my heart, but I knew they were hard on her too because of how her body deflated once she said them. As if all the air in her body had suddenly gone out.
“You haven’t allowed me to explain,” I blurted, insistent that she hear me out because she needed to know that what I wanted more than anything in the world was not something I could have because it wasn’t something I deserved.
I at least owed her the truth when all was said and done because I couldn’t, for the life of me, let her believe that it was something she had done, or that she didn’t mean anything to me.
“It’s okay,” she said as she pasted on an artificial smile and tried to force herself to look at me. But as soon as her eyes met mine, she dropped hers again as if she were admitting defeat. I got the feeling that she couldn’t look at me, didn’t want to.
Not that I could blame her, I was sure that my rejection stung, but it was for the best. She just didn’t know that yet.
She attempted to step around me as if she were now looking only to escape. As to whether she wanted to escape from me or her feelings remained to be seen.
“Angel,” I started.
“You don’t have to explain. I understand.”
“No, you don’t,” I insisted as I reached out and gripped her slim arms again, forcing her to stay where she was.
I noticed she still wouldn’t look at me and her cheeks were bright red with what I imagined was embarrassment. I was suddenly angry with myself because what I’d said and how I felt were so completely, drastically different.
I just couldn’t seem to put words to the feelings, something which only frustrated me more. Especially when I could see she didn’t understand me.
I didn’t know much about her, but I could already tell that she was going to go over every detail in her head, and she was going to blame herself for jumping the gun.
I couldn’t allow that to happen.
“I can only offer you friendship because of who and what I am.”
She looked up at me then, her eyes wide and so innocent. Her eyebrows furrowed as she shook her head. “Who and what you are?” She shook her head again. “You’re right—I don’t understand.”
“I’m not a good man,” I explained as I exhaled, the feelings of self-hatred and disgust tarnishing me all over again. Usually, I tried to avoid thinking about myself, about what I was, about my past. But the thoughts never left me, especially at night when I couldn’t keep my physical body active, so my brain took over.
And then it would be a flood of memories, a flood of remembrances that caused me nothing but angst and fatigue. The memories of the past were ruthless, relentless, constantly beating down on me even though night after night I held out hope that they wouldn’t continue to plague me. But the memories never stopped, they were enough to drive me mad.
And after my stand-off with Janet, what I was afraid of was already beginning to happen. She had reopened a can of worms I’d buried in the deepest darkest corners of my mind where I wouldn’t have to examine them in the harsh light of day. Now I would have to, especially if this beautiful trusting creature stood in front of me awaiting an explanation I wasn’t ready to give.
“That isn’t true!” Angel yelled at me, her expression one of pure defiance. I wasn’t sure who was more startled by her outburst, me or her, but it was clear she wasn’t finished.
“You are the reason I’m standing here right now and not missing or dead somewhere,” she continued as she took a quick breath. “You are a good man because only a good man would have do
ne something like what you did for me.” She took another big breath as her chest continued to rise and fall quickly. “You saved my life, William.”
“I did, but..” I started, my voice coming out harsher than I intended. This was just a subject on which I wouldn’t be swayed. Angel could say what she wanted but she didn’t know the truth. And as long as I had any say about it, she never would. Because I was more than aware that if she did, she wouldn’t still be standing here. She wouldn’t want anything to do with me. “But saving you doesn’t make me a good man.”
“You risked your life for me!” she yelled at me, shaking her head like she was in disbelief as she shrugged out of my hold. “You protected me at the cost of your own safety!”
“Yes, I protected you!” I spat the words back at her, angry that she was even attempting to argue with me about something she knew nothing about. “And if I had it to do over again, I would do exactly the same thing! I will always protect you because you mean more to me than anyone does!”
Shit.
That wasn’t supposed to come out. Now, she was going to have a harder time letting go of me than I’d hoped. I had no idea what was wrong with me these days. I wanted to blame it on fatigue, a frazzled brain, and the certain unwelcome reappearance of a blast from the past. Regardless, I felt like someone should probably tape my mouth shut to keep me from spilling out more of my inner thoughts.
She looked surprised then and swallowed down whatever she’d been about to say. My chest was still heaving, and my heartbeat was pounding through me because I was still aggravated that she was even daring to argue with me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had an argument with someone, minus my altercation with Janet the night before.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had a conversation with someone beyond mostly uneasy hellos and goodbyes. Most people didn’t want anything to do with me—they’d see me coming and they’d give me a wide berth. And that was more than fine by me. But Angel…this woman who was little more than half my size had the audacity to challenge me. Me? Someone she barely even knew...
She had more courage in her pinky finger than most people did in their entire bodies. I respected her a lot more for it. Not that it would get her anywhere with me, but still….
“I mean more to you than anyone does and yet you only feel friendship for me?” she asked finally, her voice as quiet as a whisper. She continued to watch me, as if trying to ascertain my feelings through my eyes. Her solemn stare was accusatory, and disbelieving.
“No,” I admitted as I took another deep breath and then exhaled it slowly, wondering if I should or if I could tell her how I really felt about her. Maybe if she knew the truth, it would be enough. Maybe it would scare her to such an extent that she’d keep her distance from me which was exactly what I wanted. No, it was what I needed, what we both needed.
I wished I had more time to debate the pros and cons of such a lethal choice because once I opened my mouth, and the truth spilled out, there was no taking it back.
No rewinding the clock.
“No?” she repeated sounding dumbfounded. Not that I could blame her. I was saying one thing then contradicting it.
I stalled, hating the anxiety that was already threatening to explode inside me as I considered opening up to her, telling her the truth about my past. But then I realized the truth was the only thing that was left. There was nothing more to discuss. She obviously wasn’t going to take me at my word, so I’d have to explain. What was more, she deserved to know. “The truth is,” I started as my heart started to ride up into my throat. I paused again, searching for the right words.
“The truth is?” she prodded me after another few seconds of silence.
“I don’t want to be your friend,” I finally spat the words out and watched her expression change to one of surprise. “In a perfect world, I would want to be your man. I’d jump at the chance to make you mine, to protect you, and to provide for you,” I started but then shook my head at the wistful expression that clouded her eyes.
I didn’t want to mislead her into thinking we could be anything other than casual friends. We couldn’t be. We wouldn’t be. I would never allow it. “But this isn’t a perfect world, Angel.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” she insisted.
I hated having to crush the kernel of hope that started in her eyes, but I had to. If being the bad guy meant protecting her from me then I would do that.
“No,” I shook my head. “As much as I feel for you, I can’t offer you anything.”
“Why not?!” she insisted, her tone of voice sounding exasperated, verging on angry.
If only she knew the truth, she wouldn’t be angry, she would feel relieved. No matter. Soon enough, she would get it.
“Because I’m not good enough for you,” I answered slowly, the words coming out more harshly than I intended. But I had to be direct. She needed to understand why there could never be anything other than friendship between us. “I can’t be with you, Angel, because I will never allow myself.”
“That isn’t fair!” she almost yelled back at me as she shook her head fiercely and threw her hands on her hips, facing me with an expression I’d never seen before. I’d only ever witnessed her kindness and friendliness when she waited on me and the other patrons at the bank. Then, with the robbery, I’d seen her fear which had sent me over the edge with the need to protect her.
But this anger and defiance of hers was doing something else altogether. It was stirring me, exciting me. It was making that dominant and alpha side of me suddenly rise up to the surface. It was making me want to claim her, to let her know who was in charge, to bend her to my will, to make her mine.
Chapter Thirteen
William
If Angel had any idea at all about the kinds of thoughts I had about her, was having about her right now, she wouldn’t be so quick to challenge me.
“Fair has nothing to do with it! Life isn’t fair!” I snapped at her. “And this is just how it has to be so start getting used to it!”
“No!” she insisted as she took a step closer to me and her eyes narrowed, the blue now blazing with anger. “I don’t accept what you’re saying! What about what I want? What about how I feel? What about what I want from you?”
I hated having to be hard on her when I wanted nothing more than to keep her inside my little house and spend the next few weeks worshipping her body. God, I wanted to pick her up and throw her down on top of my bed before tearing her clothes off and shoving myself all the way inside her.
“It doesn’t matter,” I muttered as I forced the thoughts out of my head. I focused on the scenery outside my window just beside her because I couldn’t look at her. Not when my body was having such a sexual response to her that it was all I could do to hold myself back.
I wasn’t an animal who couldn’t help himself, but now that I knew she felt the same way about me, it was harder to resist her.
She took another step closer to me until only a few inches separated us and, in response, my breath hitched. She was standing so close that I could smell the sweetness of her hair and skin. It was a floral scent that made me want to inhale all of her.
“Look at me, William,” she whispered and even though I knew it wasn’t a good idea, I brought my eyes down to hers.
Hers were challenging, adversarial. “My feelings matter too,” she insisted.
“No, they don’t,” I responded flatly. “I can’t, and I won’t let your feelings matter to me,” I finished with steely calm. “I can only care for you from far away. I promise to protect you, and to make damn sure that no one ever hurts you,” I continued as I felt my hands fisting at my sides at the very thought of someone trying to hurt her, my Angel.
I knew I was in trouble because I kept thinking of her as my Angel. What would happen when she met somebody who was worthy of her? Would I still be around to take care of her?
“I want you, William,” she asserted.
“I can’t g
ive myself to you,” I answered sternly, solemnly. “But I can be there for you…”
“Just not the way I want you to be,” she interrupted as she folded her arms across her buxom chest. She was still standing just as close as she had been.
This time there was a flicker of doubt in her expression. As if she couldn’t quite believe that I wanted her but was doing nothing about it.
As much as I wanted to put her mind at ease, I couldn’t.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I started, feeling the intense need to claim her again. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that challenging expression off her face and replace it with the expression of intense passion as I shoved myself into her repeatedly, taking what I so badly wanted, taking what should have been mine, and what she so obviously desired as well.
“I want you to tell me that you don’t want me,” she started as her eyes narrowed even more so. The challenge was set. She was trying to push me into renouncing what I’d so thoughtlessly claimed earlier.
The little minx was trying to provoke me, and it made me want her all the more. I could barely keep myself from pressing my lips to hers and hearing her call out my name. I could just picture how she would respond, surprise at first, then barely concealed need, as desire overcame her. By that time, we would both be naked, and she would be writhing beneath me with eyes for no one else.
“I want your friendship,” I started, but she immediately shook her head.
Even to my own ears, it was a lame statement, and it didn’t hold a single grain of truth. The words sounded hollow in my ears, and I knew that if I didn’t believe them then neither would she. Because apparently, I wasn’t a good liar. At least not where Angel was concerned.