Finally, the stinking dishes were clean, and we could begin our experiment. I had a stopwatch. We had to see how long it would take to boil macaroni in our mouths so that we could put the right number of minutes on the box.
“On your mark, get set, boil!” I clicked on the stopwatch.
Orville put a spoonful of raw macaroni in his mouth.
“We have to get the inside of you boiling. Think about an erupting volcano,” I suggested. “Imagine the red-hot lava!” I looked at Orville’s face. He looked too peaceful. Time was wasting. What would make Orville boil on the inside? Think, think, think.
If it ever seems to you that I’m having trouble finding an answer to a question, it is only because my brain is like the size of Alaska, which happens to be the largest state of all. Hey, here’s a great idea: If you ever get this question on a test—What is the largest state?—just remember that my brain is the same size as Alaska, and you will get a good grade.
Well, I searched my humongous brain, and I came up with a great idea. I could insult Orville, which would make him boiling mad. I thought for a moment. “Orville, you’re so clueless, you’d try to chop down a beanstalk with a toothbrush.”
He started to laugh. I had to think up something more insulting.
“Orville, you’re so ugly, you make the Big Bad Wolf look good. You’re not Prince Charming, you’re Prince Alarming.”
He stuck out his hands like claws and raised his eyebrows wolfishly.
I sighed. “Orville, you’re not supposed to like being called clueless and ugly.”
Orville spit out the macaroni. “But it’s a fun game. I want to play.”
“It’s not a game. I was insulting you!”
“Well, we could make it a game. The Insult Me Game.”
“We’re not playing games, Orville! We’re doing a mad scientist experiment.”
“Well, you don’t have to get all huffy about it, Mr. Huffy.”
“Well, you’re not supposed to spit out the macaroni, Mr. Spitter!”
“Well, you try, Dr. Perfect Scientist.”
“Well, I can do better than you, Dr. Perfect Spitter.”
Mom walked in. “Looks like I’ve got a couple of mad scientists in my kitchen.”
I almost fell off my chair. “Orville, are you mad?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too! Isn’t that great? We accomplished our mission.”
“But we didn’t get the macaroni to boil in our mouths.”
“That wasn’t our mission. Our mission was to become mad scientists. We’re scientists because we’re experimenting, and we’re mad because we insulted each other. So we’re mad scientists.”
Orville jumped up. “We did it!” We danced around the kitchen in a very madly scientific way.
Mom looked at the pile of slobbered-over macaroni on the table. “I just have one question,” she added. “Is this what you guys are planning for dinner?”
“Yes!” Orville said. “We’re mad, mad, mad!”
“I think I’ll order a pizza,” she said.
Are you making a note of this? If you ever want your mom to order a pizza but are afraid she’ll say no, just make something slobbery for her. She’ll be dialing the pizza place faster than you can say “Have a mug of mushed-up macaroni and mucus, Mom.”
SIX
Rumpus Bumpus
The pizza was delicious. After dinner Mom made us de-goop our hair and wash the lab coats.
“Hey, look!” Orville called me over to the window. Jonathan, Margaret, Tiffany, and the puppy were frolicking out in the Kemps’ front yard. The puppy was chasing fireflies, and everybody was laughing.
“Man, I’d like to morph with a firefly!” Orville said.
“Because you want to be puppy chow?”
“No. Because I want a flashing rump.”
That gave me an idea. “Orville, let’s invent pajamas with a flashing light in the rear end.”
“Bingo bongo, Wilbur! Let the flashing rumpus begin!”
We got flashlights, stuffed them down our underpants, and ran outside.
“Check it out, guys!” Orville cried, and wiggled his glowing rear. “We’re fireflies.”
“Firefries!” Tiffany yelled, and started jumping up and down, which is what she does when she’s really excited.
We ran over to Jonathan’s yard, and the puppy and Tiffany and Margaret and Jonathan chased us around and around. The darker it grew outside, the better our bottoms looked. Then Mr. Kemp came out. “Bedtime for all children and puppies,” he said.
“And firefries,” Tiffany added sadly.
“We’ll be firefries again soon,” Orville said, and patted her on the head.
We turned off our flashlights, walked back to our yard, and sat on our grassy hill.
Mom came out and sat next to us. “You know, it’s really time for bed,” she said quietly.
I sighed. “Yeah, we know.” Something about knowing you have to go to bed just makes the great outdoors even greater. Warm golden lights were shining in the windows of our neighbors’ houses, and I could imagine them all bumbling around inside, brushing their teeth and watching TV and washing the dishes. But we weren’t bumbling around; we were sitting outside in the cool dark air, just feeling the breeze and smelling the grass and watching over the neighborhood like three secret owls.
My mind flew to the backyard, and I thought about the seed mixtures we planted earlier that day. What if they were starting to sprout in their warm little earthy hiding places? What if something brand-new was being born for the very first time at this very moment?
“Mom,” I asked, “how long does it take for a plant to grow from a seed?”
“Depends on the seed. Some take days. Some take weeks.”
“I bet mushed-up seeds grow a lot faster,” Orville said hopefully. Then he whispered to me, “Let’s check tomorrow.”
I nodded.
A firefly blinked in the distance.
“Mom,” Orville said, “what if we sell our flashing rumpus pajamas and children all over the world buy them and we make a fortune?”
“Then there will be a bunch of little lightning butts running around,” she said.
We all laughed. “It would be a beautiful sight,” I added.
We were quiet for a moment.
“The Kemps’ puppy is really cute,” Orville said suddenly. “Mom, you should get us a puppy.”
Mom laughed and rolled her eyes. “I think you guys are plenty.”
“Is that an insult?” I asked.
She put her arms around us. “Take it as a compliment,” she said.
And so we did.
And then we stuffed the flashlights down our underpants and ran around before Mom chased us up to bed.
The End
BONUS!
RIOT BROTHER GAMES
Knot-a-Sock
Here’s how to play Knot-a-Sock. First you put socks on your feet. You might think that’s obvious. But there are other Riot Brother Games that require putting socks on your hands, so I felt it was important to write down the feet part. Use the longest socks you have, but not soccer socks because those are too tight. Pull one of your opponent’s socks off just enough to tie it in a knot at the toe. Meanwhile, he or she will be trying to grab your sock. You may thrash, but you have to control your thrashing because if you thrash too much one of you will get hurt and then your parents will be mad and you won’t be able to play.
In order to win, you must get both of your opponent’s socks tied in knots before both of your socks get tied. Most often the game is planned, but you can also do a surprise attack. When the other player is wearing socks and you aren’t is an excellent time for a surprise attack because then you can’t lose! The loser has to do a crazy sock dance (not kidding—ha-ha).
Sock Me a Story
Here’s how you play: First, roll a pair of socks into a ball. Hold the ball and start telling a story starring a sock. At some point in the story, throw the sock ball to anot
her player, who then has to add on to your story.
If you have trouble thinking up great stories, use this secret formula: Have your sock want something, then make sure something gets in the way of your sock getting what he or she wants, and then have your sock win in the end. Hooray!
Think about it. Socks never get starring roles. It’s always about the shoes. So, give your socks a thrill and make up a story about them. They’ll love you for it.
Swat-a-Lot
You need a balloon, socks, and any number of players. Each player must be on some kind of base . . . like a bed or a chair. You cannot leave your base once the game begins. Make fists and put socks on your hands so that the toe part of the sock is dangling. Using the dangling part of your socks, swat the balloon to each other. If the balloon touches the floor or if you fall off your base, then the game stops. Count the number of swats. Try to get as many as you can. To make the game even more exciting, use more than one balloon. While playing, you are allowed to swiftly swerve, swish, swipe, swoop, or sway. During breaks, you are allowed to switch or swap places. If you are playing hard you may sweat, but please do not swear. This is a fun game to play in Sweden or Switzerland. But if you’re not swarming to Sweden or Switzerland soon, try playing it in a swimming pool! (But don’t swig any swallows of water.) However you swat, have fun because it’s a swell game.
Eyeballs Are Falling
Collect as many eyeball-sized rocks as you can find. Draw an eyeball on one side of each rock with a marker. Put them all in one cup. The first person tosses out all the rocks and says, “Eyeballs are falling.” The tosser gets to take whichever rocks land with the eyeballs facing up. All the rest go back in the cup, and the next player goes. Play until there are no more eyeballs left. Count up your eyeballs. Whoever has the most wins.
Note that whoever goes first has an advantage, so you must play as many rounds as you have players. For example, if you have two players, you must play at least two rounds, giving each player a chance to go first. If you have one thousand players, you must play one thousand rounds, which means you’re going to need a supersized cup of eyeballs!
Insult Me Game
As you recall, Orville got the idea for this game from me! We have played it many times since then. It is perhaps the most sophisticated and difficult of all the Riot Brother Games, but I am good at it. I mean, if Making Up Insults was a subject on report cards, I’d get an A+.
To play, your opponent picks a category, and you have to think up an insult in that category. For example, you could choose Fairy Tale Insults, Insect Insults, Sports Insults, Animal Insults, or anything else.
If you are an adult reading this and you are getting all huffy, thinking how horribly awful we are for making a game out of insulting each other, please consider the educational benefits. While creating our insults, we are seriously practicing our verbal reasoning and language arts skills. Besides, we don’t really mean it or get mad. We’re just trying to boil our brains!
ADDITIONAL RIOT BROTHER RULES
16. You have to write down your mission of the day.
17. If you rescue a damsel in distress, you do not have to marry her.
18. If someone puts your brother down, stick up for him.
19. Always keep a flashlight under your pillow.
20. Never ever go to bed without eating dessert.
21. If your brother is ever in an embarrassing situation, help him out of it.
22. If your brother ever makes an embarrassing situation even more embarrassing while trying to help you out of it, you MUST help him in return.
23. If you’re having fun when you’re supposed to be doing a chore, do it quietly so the grown-ups won’t get suspicious.
RIOT BROTHER SAYINGS
—Singing a song is like taking your voice on a field trip. It deserves to have a little fun.
—If someone tries to bug you, don’t let it bug you.
—The great advantage to being weird most of the time is that when you are weird, no one thinks it’s weird.
—The world would be a better place if all children had a roof over their head, food in their stomach, a smile in their heart, and a fake rat in their pocket.
—Dishes stinking in your sink prove your child knows how to think.
THE RIOT BROTHER GUIDE TO KNIGHTLY TALK
Old Knightly Talk
What It Means in Normal English
Alas! Alack!
Oh dear! Phooey! As in: Alas! Alack! A fly has landed in my chocolate milk.
-eth
Addeth this to the ends of your verbs to maketh your sentences soundeth medieval.
Farewell
Goodbye
Fie
Rats! As in: Fie, you have sneezed in my soup!
Goodly
Good, only better
Hark!
Listen! As in: Hark, what’s that noise?
Hear ye!
Yo, listen up!
Lowly Servant
Your brother or sister (ha!)
Make haste
Hurry up
Methinks
I think. As in: Methinks I smell a skunk!
O
O Reader, just throw this in front of someone’s name to make it sound fancier.
Thee/thy
You/your. As in: Get thee to thy bed.
Thou art
You are. As in: Thou art annoying.
’Tis
It is
Yonder
Over there. As in: Is that a green bean in yonder nostril?
SNEAK PEEK FROM:
Riot Brothers #4 Take the Mummy and Run
“I think the spy is here,” Amelia whispered.
At that very moment, I glimpsed a dark shape slipping out the exit. “Did you see that?” I pointed.
The three of us stood for a moment, feeling the electricity of excitement snap between us. Nothing like being spied on to put a little zing in your mission!
“He might have heard us mention the basement,” Amelia whispered. “Let’s get there before he does.”
Quickly, we walked through the exhibit to the elevators, which were busy. I noticed a sign on a door that said, STAIRS. We stared at it. No doubt they led to a dark and spooky place.
“Let’s go as quietly as possible,” Amelia said. “He might be waiting for us around any corner.”
“You go first, Orville,” Amelia said.
“That’s okay. Wilbur can go first,” Orville said.
I sighed. “All right. We’ll all go at the same time.”
Mary Amato, Stinky and Successful
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