I pushed my lips together to keep from replying. I was sure that neither her mother nor my own would appreciate what I really wanted to say about that. “You three have fun.”
“Lucy?” I stopped at the door and turned around to face Luca when he called after me.
“Yeah?”
“We can put firecrackers in his shoes,” he informed me matter-of-factly. “Just say the word, okay?” He had that look on his handsome little face that told me he was one hundred percent serious.
I couldn’t stop the grin that spread across my lips. Was my little brother actually offering to take care of Harris Cutter for me? Yeah, he probably was. “Nah, but I’ll let you know if I change my mind. Okay?”
His dark eyes, that changed with his emotions just like our dad’s did, lightened and he nodded his head seriously. “Yeah, okay.”
“Love you, little bro.”
“We could put that ointment Mom put on my sore leg the other day in his shoes. Like the whole bottle,” Lyric suggested and I quickly left the room before I became an accessory to a crime, but I was still grinning when I entered the kitchen.
The grin dimmed when I spotted Harris sitting at the island with Mom and a nearly empty plate of my favorite cookies sitting between them. He never could turn down her cookies; they were addicting. I never could understand why they had always tasted so good compared to other moms’ homemade chocolate chip cookies. I’d watched several other mothers closely and they tended to make them exactly the same way, but my mom’s always tasted so much better.
The conversation Harris and Mom were having abruptly stopped when I entered the room, which of course made me think they had been talking about me. The dim grin faded completely when he turned those damn aquamarine eyes on me and flashed those freaking dimples.
No. No. No. He didn’t get to come into my house and blink those beautiful eyes at me and flash those dimples like nothing had happened the night before. Like he hadn’t sliced me so deep that I was sure my very soul was bleeding out this morning. It didn’t work like that. I wasn’t one of those simple-minded girls who would fall at his feet, thankful for his attention after hurting me.
Glaring at him, I turned away from those eyes and dimples and opened the refrigerator. Pulling out the container of orange juice, I poured myself a tall glass and only turned around once I’d swallowed half of it. My eyes went straight to my mom. “Sorry I missed breakfast.”
“It’s okay, baby. I knew that you were tired.” Her smile was gentle, full of understanding and I had this crazy urge to wrap my arms around her neck and just cry. If Harris hadn’t been sitting in our kitchen I might have done just that. Standing, she turned that same understanding smile on Harris. “I’m going to go check on the kids. Jesse and I might take them to see a movie. We’ll drop Trinity off later. That okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah, she will like that. Thanks, Layla.”
“See you two later.” Mom passed me as she left the kitchen. Her hand brushed over mine for an all too brief moment before she went out the door.
If I hadn’t loved her so much and known that she thought she was trying to help, I would have hated her right then. For about a minute. She was supposed to be on my side and only my side. Damn it, I wanted to be mad at her. Maybe it would help me deal with all the anger and hurt that was sitting in my chest that was aimed at the guy sitting just a few feet from me right then.
“I didn’t get your email about stopping by First Bass until this morning.” His deep voice was quiet, cautious, as if he were afraid that speaking too loudly would make me do something crazy. Like throw my glass of juice at his head.
He was probably right to be cautious. I was very, very tempted to start throwing things. My juice, however, wasn’t on the list. A few knives, on the other hand, would have been a great way to relieve some of the pressure in my chest.
One of the bad things about having someone who once knew you inside and out, was that they could easily read what you might be thinking. The four years apart didn’t seem to have completely erased his ability to read me. Harris stood and moved toward me, moving the wooden block that housed the knives that were on the counter behind me, away from me.
I didn’t want to be close to him and took several steps back, which was probably what he’d wanted since it got me even farther away from sharp objects. He gave me a smirk and I shot him the finger. He was so lucky I wanted the rest of my juice or he would have been digging glass out of his forehead right then.
“It was really good to see you last night, Lu.”
I snorted in disbelief. “Yeah. I could tell.” I took another sip of juice and sat in the chair he’d just left. “You know, it’s been four years so my memory might be a little shady, but I don’t remember you being such a dickhead back then.”
His laugh was full of self-derision. “Yeah, well, I was. Just not to you.” Sighing loudly, he scrubbed his hands over his face and raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m a huge dickhead. The biggest, but I never wanted to be that way with you. And that I was last night, when I was so glad to see you, makes me want to kick my own ass, Lu. You are too special to me for me to have treated you so shitty.”
I just barely contained the urge to roll my eyes at him. If he thought he could use his charm to make me forgive and forget what happened the night before, he was out of his mind. Years of having people trying to kiss my ass had made me immune to it. Setting my glass down, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back in the chair. “So you being here trying to make amends has nothing at all to do with Jenna’s being high enough to dance with the man in the moon?”
The fact that he had still been able to read me so well didn’t sting nearly as bad when I realized that I could still read him just as well. The way his forehead crinkled ever so slightly, the slight darkening of his eyes, and the way his mouth tightened just a little told me all I needed to know. My heart twisted and an all new hurt filled my chest. Damn it. I’d hoped I was wrong, that he had really come to apologize. I’d wanted him to be here for me, not to see if I was going to nark on Jenna.
“Right,” I muttered, refusing to let my chin tremble or my shoulders sag so much as a millimeter. “Well, I’ll make this visit short and sweet for you. I’m not going to tell Natalie about her sister’s…lovely social skills. And I’m not going to go running to Shane or Drake and tell them that their sister should be shipped off to rehab or better yet, Ohio, because of her new diet.” I stood and thrust my hands into my hoodie’s front pocket, clasping my hands together so that I wouldn’t be tempted to throw a punch at him. “But I’m going to make sure she doesn’t get asked to babysit any of my nieces. I’ll let Lana decide what to do about Drake and Shane.”
He raked his hands through his hair again. He did that when he was frustrated. Another thing I remembered all too clearly and I hated my mind for it, hated how my heart had helped store those memories of a boy who had been the most important person in my life. “Lucy, that’s not why I came…”
The glare I sent him stopped him from continuing. “Don’t make more of a fool of me than you already have, Harris. I realized that your loyalties are with Jenna and that’s cool. I’m glad she has someone on her side. I’m just wondering if her hero is also supplying her the shit that is going up her nose.”
Aquamarine eyes darkened with anger and his chest lifted as he sucked in a deep breath. Of course my eyes followed the movement, watching intently as the material of his T-shirt tightened even more for a moment. Damn, damn, and double damn. All the guys in the world and only one of them could make my mind go completely blank with something as simple as his breathing too deeply. “I wouldn’t do that, Lu. I don’t know who her supplier is, but it sure as hell isn’t me.”
Relief that he hadn’t been giving her the drugs nearly made me lightheaded. I wasn’t sure how I would have handled it if he had been. After seeing what my biological father had done for drugs, I had always promised myself that I would never let them into my lif
e in any shape or form. That included friends that were into them.
“She got into them when she started hooking up with the chick she’s with now. I’m not a big fan of Tessa, but Jenna seems to be happy with her.” Harris blew out a long, hard sigh. “Look, Lucy, I’m going to get Jenna some help. She’s agreed to go into rehab, but only if I don’t tell her brothers and sister. If you tell Drake or Shane, then she’s going to back out.”
“That’s a total copout,” I told him, pissed off that he would pretend to believe that bullshit. “She’s looking for any excuse not to get help. I’m not going to sit back and watch her rage her destructiveness on everyone who cares about her. Drake and Shane can help her. Especially Drake.”
Harris shook his head. “She’s not trying to get out of it. Jenna is ready to get clean. Just give me a chance to help her. If she doesn’t follow through, then you can tell anyone you want. All I’m asking is for a little time.”
“My god.” I laughed and turned away from him, unable to look at him. Was he serious? “What are you going to do, Harris? Do you think you can just take her to rehab and she’s going to be instantly better? It doesn’t work like that. You know that better than anyone else. I can’t promise you that I won’t say anything. I just can’t.”
“Lucy, please.”
I turned to face him again, meeting his eyes boldly. I couldn’t let him sugarcoat this. He was much smarter than that. I couldn’t let him get his hopes up thinking Jenna was going to get better with just a little rehabilitation. She needed more than that, and yeah, she deserved more than that. The girl needed her family around her, supporting her through her recovery, and a hell of a lot more than what Harris was going to give her.
I had to make him see that. Had to at least try or I couldn’t have lived with myself, and the consequences that were sure to follow. “Let’s say Jenna gets clean and comes home. But we both know that unless she is really ready to kick her addiction she will go straight back to getting high, it’s just a matter of time. What are you going to do if Trinity comes over to visit you at the apartment and happens to find Jenna’s stash? What if she thinks it’s candy and eats it?”
I was being harsh. The very idea of Trinity—a little girl I loved as much as I loved my nieces—hurt, because of something so idiotic as Jenna leaving her drugs lying around nearly destroyed me. Harris loved his little sister more than anything or anyone in the world, and she idolized her big brother. His face paled under his tan complexion, but I went on. “I know she comes to visit you all the time. She loves you just as much as you love and adore her. How will you live with yourself if your little sister dies from a drug overdose because you didn’t have the balls to tell Jenna’s sister and brothers? Where will you hide when your dad finds out you knew and didn’t tell him?”
“That isn’t going to happen,” he murmured in a gruff voice. “I know Jenna better than you do. She’s ready to get clean.”
“No, Harris. You’re ready for her to get clean. Jenna is nowhere near ready for that.” I gave him a small, sad smile. “Good luck trying to help her. You’re going to need it.”
“Lucy, please.” He held out his hands, actually begging me.
It wasn’t the begging that got to me, though. It was the look in those damn aquamarine eyes. Ah, hell. I remembered that look well. He’d had that same look in his eyes every time he’d tried to help me. “You have one month, if you promise me that you won’t let any of the girls over at your apartment. Not one of them. Keep them away no matter what.” I knew I was going to regret it, but as long as my nieces were away from Jenna and that apartment I would give him a little time. That was it. One month, and then I was going straight to Lana with it.
His wide, thickly muscled shoulders seemed to droop with relief. Damn, why did that hurt so much? Probably because it went to show me how close he was with Jenna now, and how much we had drifted apart. “Thanks, Lu. I appreciate it.”
“Don’t thank me yet. I know I’m going to hate myself for this later.” My voice sounded sad, and I mentally kicked myself for showing that much weakness in front of him. “You should go now. I have homework and some things to go over for the school paper.” I’d never been so happy to have extra homework in my life. As for the school’s paper, I was the editor and I always had something to do regarding it.
“You’re kicking me out?” He took a step toward me, his eyes darkening. “Lucy, I didn’t come here just to talk to you about Jenna. I wanted to see you, to make last night right. Fuck, girl, I’ve missed you so damn much.”
Before he could see my tears, I turned my back to him, going to the door that went straight out to the wraparound porch my dad had built for my mom six years before. I wanted to believe him, desperately ached for him to have really missed our friendship and me for the last four years as much as I had missed it and him. But I didn’t.
I didn’t speak as I walked outside. I couldn’t have uttered a word without announcing that I was two seconds away from crumbling. I hated crying, hated getting emotional. It always led to other things for me and it had been so long since I’d had to resort to something that desperate to make my pain go away.
The wind was blowing and I could smell rain in the air. Shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself and just stared out at the Pacific Ocean, willing the tears away along with the tightness in my chest. I locked my eyes on a bird flying in the distance and slowly counted down from one hundred in my head.
I’d barely reached eighty-eight when I heard Harris behind me. “Remember that summer we all went on tour together? When I stayed on the same bus with you, your parents, and the twins?”
I lost count as memories of that summer flashed through my mind. That had been a crazy summer. I’d been eleven and he’d just turned sixteen. There had been times during that summer as Demon’s Wings and OtherWorld had toured across the United States that I had been the happiest I’d ever been in my whole life. There were also some really bad memories from that summer that I hated remembering.
“When it was over, I felt like I’d never be the same. For three months I got to see you every day. Every damn day, Lu. I didn’t have to text or call you so we could talk. I didn’t have to wait for that ding in the middle of the night that told me you couldn’t sleep and needed me. We would get up and sit in that tiny-ass living room and play video games or watch movies. Or just talk.” He let out a laugh that was full of an emotion I didn’t want to put a name to just then. “I know that might have been a pretty shitty summer for you at times, and yeah it was no picnic for me, but it was the best summer of my life. I haven’t had a summer that good since.”
I shut my eyes tight so that my tears wouldn’t spill free. The pain in my chest felt like it was going to suffocate me. Damn it, oh goddamn it. I couldn’t handle when this happened—when the emotional pain started to consume me. I was weak, so pathetically weak. I grabbed onto the banister, the wood biting into my tender palms painfully. The pain was enough to center me and I felt like I could suck in a deep breath again through the tightness in my chest once more. Physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the emotional kind.
“Some people didn’t understand how we could have been so close with the age gap between us, but it didn’t bother me. It didn’t matter what they said or thought. You knew the real me, and that was all I cared about. No one has ever gotten that close to me, Lu. No one has wanted to and I sure as hell haven’t wanted it. Not because I don’t want it—I do. It gets so damn lonely at times, but I know that no matter what, the friendship I have with them will never compare to what I had with you.”
“We were just kids, Harris. It was a childhood friendship that we both outgrew.” I was so glad my voice didn’t show him how torn up I was. How destroyed I was over what he’d just confessed to me.
“I didn’t outgrow it, Lu. I’m never going to outgrow it or you. And if you would just give me a chance, I’ll show you.”
Chapter 5
Lucy
I d
on’t know why I said yes. Call it a moment of insanity, PMS, lack of sleep, or Kin catching me at exactly the right—or in this case the wrong—time. Whatever. I regretted agreeing as soon as I’d said yes.
Now, I was stuck with no viable excuse to get out of it.
Fudge buckets.
“Don’t give me that pouty face,” Kin said with a smirk as Marcus pulled up outside of First Bass Wednesday evening. “It’s not going to kill you to sit and listen to me destroy a good song. I’m not that bad.”
Tonight was open mike night and Kin wanted to participate. She said she wasn’t much of a musician, but the girl had some serious writing skills. I should know since she was now one of my best writers for the school’s paper. I loved Kin, and I would have sat and supported her through an open mike night anytime, but why did it have to be at First Bass? There were at least twenty other clubs that had this same thing going on right that minute.
Of course, First Bass had a few extra things that all the other clubs didn’t. For one, First Bass had big-name music executives sitting in the crowds. Everyone who performed on open mike night got a chance to get noticed, got the chance to make those execs open their eyes to a talent they had been sniffing around for.
Reason number two was probably the biggest reason that Kin wanted to be at First Bass tonight: Jace St. Charles, lead singer of Tainted Knights, and aka Kin’s ex. I wouldn’t say I was surprised when Kin told me after school on Monday about her relationship with the up and coming rock star. After her reaction to him Saturday night I’d figured something was up with them. That they had dated and then Jace had dumped Kin days after she had found out that her mother was dying of cancer made me want to throat punch the asshole.
Kin wanted to show him that she was over him and so here we were, ready to go inside one of the last places on the planet I wanted to be. I didn’t want to see Harris again after what had happened Sunday. Didn’t want to rehash the ugly scene that had followed after he—Oh damn. I tried to block it out, but it wouldn’t fade.