Noah smiles at me sadly. ‘I know,’ he says.
Chapter Seventy-Three
We don’t use the front door; instead we walk round the side of the cottage and on to the terrace. Out there in the warm sunshine, Ella is alone, lying on a sunlounger in her bikini, dozing, her hands protectively covering her tiny bump.
Noah glances at me and we try to creep past to find the others. But, as we do, Ella’s eyes open and she props herself up. ‘Hey,’ she says with a sleepy yawn. ‘I must have dropped off. Have you had a good day?’
‘Great,’ I say to her. Even to my own ears, I sound ridiculously perky and false. ‘Skomer is wonderful.’
‘I must go there again, soon, before I forget how special it is.’
‘How have you been? Had a good day too?’
‘Hmm,’ Ella says. ‘Yes and no.’
I drop down on the bench next to her.
‘Ladies,’ Noah says, ‘I’m going to leave you to it. I need to pop out to run an errand. I’ll catch up with you both later.’
I glance up at Noah. I don’t envy him the showdown he has coming when he breaks the news to Flick that he’s leaving. I sigh inwardly. Why does life have to be so complicated?
With that he waves us goodbye and, seconds later, I hear his car pull away. Soon he’ll be doing that for the very last time.
‘He’s going to leave Flick,’ I tell Ella baldly. ‘He told me today.’
‘Wow. She’ll be devastated.’
‘I know.’
‘I thought it was ill advised of her to propose to him, but she was so determined.’
‘Don’t say anything,’ I make Ella promise. ‘It’s between them.’
‘Will he go after that?’
I shrug. ‘I think so. But what about you? Have you resolved everything with Art?’
‘I did. But not in the way you might think.’ Ella sighs. ‘He’s gone. Back to London again.’ She sees my jaw drop but before I can speak, launch in with my commiserations, Ella holds up a hand. ‘I’m cool about it. We talked for most of the day, but we just couldn’t reach a middle ground. Art still wants to carry on with his band management. He wants to live in London. He doesn’t want to be tied to a relationship.’ She pauses for breath. ‘I want to move here. I want to settle down. I want to give my baby the kind of childhood that I had.’
‘Oh, Ella.’
‘We’ve parted as friends,’ she insists. ‘Art says that he wants to be involved with the child, but I’m not sure how well that will work out. But I accept his position. I don’t want to settle for the little he has to give. Baby Hawley and I will be just fine by ourselves.’
‘I’m frightened for you,’ I admit. ‘I don’t want you down here alone.’
‘I’m looking forward to it, Grace. Honestly, I am. My head’s whirring with plans already.’ She sounds so excited, but I have a pit of dread in my stomach for her. ‘Depending on how the money goes, I’m hoping to keep the flat in London so that I still have a place to stay when I go up there for meetings and exhibitions, but we’ll be down here for the rest of the year. It’s not the ends of the earth, truly. The village is only a ten-minute drive away. I’m sure there must be some other young mums around somewhere!’ She laughs at the expression on my face. ‘Don’t look so worried. I’m not. Grace, I’m positively looking forward to it. I feel that I’ve been living under a shadow with Art for a couple of years now. We were pulling in different directions and just didn’t realise it. If I’m being truthful, the relationship had long run its course. We’d turned into different people, we just didn’t like to admit it.’ That sounds closer to home than I’d like. ‘I’m better off without him. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t love me fully.’
She gives me a meaningful look, blissfully unaware of the conversation that Noah and I had just a moment ago.
I hug my friend. ‘I want to help you.’
‘Then promise that you’ll come and visit me as often as you can.’
‘Of course I will.’
But it won’t be enough. When Ella has her child, I’ll want her round the corner from me. I want to be a big part of her life.
‘Come on,’ Ella says. She stands and wraps a sarong around her. ‘I should make us both some tea.’
‘Sounds lovely.’
I want time to think about what she’s said and to work out how best I can help her. Despite what she says, I think the reality of going solo with this will be a lot harder than she imagines. How can I be there for her when, physically, there’ll be hundreds of miles and two motorways between us?
‘Where are Flick and Harry?’
‘Hmm. Not sure. They went indoors about an hour ago when I started to doze off, I think.’
How can they bear to be inside on this beautiful day? It’s late afternoon now and there’s a warm glow to the sky; the sea is shimmering invitingly.
‘I didn’t see either of them until noon.’ Ella laughs. ‘They were both looking very fragile.’
‘I should think so.’ I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d both spent all morning throwing up. The pair of them must have iron-clad constitutions. ‘Were they cross that we’d gone off for the day without them?’
Ella shrugs. ‘I don’t think so. They seemed happy enough to mooch about here. To be honest, Art and I walked down the beach to talk so we didn’t see that much of them.’
‘I should go and see what they’re up to.’ Find out whether we’ve been missed or not.
Trooping into the kitchen after Ella, I feel relieved that Harry and Flick aren’t there. I peep into the sitting room, but they’re not in there either. However, I know it won’t last. Soon I’m going to have to face them. I’d like to try to persuade Harry to go for a swim with me later, but if Noah does break his news when he comes back, then I’ll need to be around to comfort Flick. She’s not going to take this well. I know that she had high hopes for Noah. She thought she’d finally found someone special to love. Poor Flick.
‘If you put the kettle on, I’ll go and see where Harry is,’ I say.
‘OK.’ Ella smiles at me. ‘You look so miserable, Grace. Chin up, sweetie. Everything will work out fine.’
I wish I could be so sure. A huge part of me feels as if I’ve made the worst decision of my life. With a heavy heart, I make my way up the stairs to find Harry.
Chapter Seventy-Four
I tiptoe along the landing. Perhaps if Harry is deeply asleep, I should leave him be. Wouldn’t he have come down when he heard the car pull up? But, as I approach the bedroom, I hear a muffled sound. Seems he is awake after all.
Quietly, I open the door and the sight that greets me makes me stop dead in my tracks.
On the bed, on our bed, Flick and Harry are naked. Except that Harry still has his socks on. That almost makes me laugh out loud. Their clothes are scattered at my feet, obviously removed in a frenzy. My best friend is on top of my husband, head thrown back, bouncing away enthusiastically. Harry, eyes closed in ecstasy, moans with pleasure. Flick thrusts her hips harder.
I stand and watch, transfixed. My mouth goes dry, my heart pounds. But I can’t move. I can’t speak.
‘Oh,’ Flick says. ‘Oh, yes.’
She rides him harder, clearly coming to her orgasm, and Harry grabs her buttocks, digging in his fingers and urging her on. He slaps her rump and she squeals with delight. I feel myself flinch. Her taut flesh is pink with exertion. Harry’s face is red and sweating. Harry and I have never had sex like this. Ours is slow, considered, and Harry is invariably on top. He always has time to take his socks off.
They slam together and still I don’t move.
Flick shudders against him, grinding her groin into his. She cries out and then collapses on top of him, giggling breathlessly, her blonde hair covering him. Harry joins in the laughter and they cling to each other.
This is hideous. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. My husband and my best friend? Harry and Flick? Clearly this isn’t the first time they’
ve done this. They are far too comfortable with each other’s bodies. How did this happen? How long has it been going on? My brain feels like a pan on the point of boiling over. I want to scrub my eyeballs with bleach. I cup my burning face in my hands and gawk.
I’m frozen to the spot. What should I do? Should I just creep out again and pretend that I’ve seen nothing? That is what every fibre of my body is telling me to do. If they see me, there will be no going back from this. I don’t want them to know that I’ve been here. So, holding my breath, I start to back out of the open door, praying that there isn’t a creaky floorboard in my path.
Then, from the kitchen, Ella shouts out, ‘Tea’s ready, everyone!’
At that point, Flick and Harry turn in unison towards the open door and their eyes alight on me. Like me, they freeze. And there’s a terrible moment where we all just stare blankly at each other.
Flick sits up, stricken. Harry now has his eyes and his mouth wide open. They gape at me, terrified.
My heartbeat returns to a normal level. My confusion turns to a still calm. My anger suddenly floods out of me. I find my voice.
‘Now what are we going to do?’ I ask.
Chapter Seventy-Five
‘Grace,’ Harry says. ‘This is all a terrible misunderstanding.’
Despite my pain, I have to smile at that. ‘I’m not sure how, Harry.’
‘She’s caught us red-handed having a shag,’ Flick snaps. They are still coupled together, though Flick is making an attempt to cover her ample breasts. I wonder for the first time whether they are her own or are those fake too. ‘Even I’d struggle to explain that one away, Harry.’
‘I suggest you both put your clothes on,’ I say. ‘Then come down and we’ll talk.’
An expression of relief washes over both their faces. Perhaps they think I should stamp my feet, shout, throw things, break mirrors. But I can’t. I can’t summon up that kind of energy for them.
Like an automaton, I turn and walk out of the room. I go to the bathroom and splash cold water over my face. Looking in the mirror, I can see that nothing has changed. My world has rocked on its axis, but there is nothing on my face to show it. I still look like me. I still feel like me.
While I have been fighting my feelings for Noah, putting my marriage before my own happiness, all the time they have been sleeping together behind my back. Judging by the way they were together, so easy, I’m absolutely sure that this isn’t something new for them. How can I have been so blind? How can they have hidden it from me? Of course, I now think of all those furtive looks, the times they’ve jumped apart when I’ve stumbled across them in close conversation, and I saw nothing odd. All those late-night calls that Harry used to make, the hours on Twitter, the drinking. Is that all because of this? I thought he had problems at work, was having a mid-life crisis. The last thing on earth that I imagined was that my best friend and my husband were having an affair.
When I come out of the bathroom, there are scrabbling sounds from the bedroom and hissed conversation. Perhaps they’re getting dressed whilst having a row under their breath. I can’t even be bothered to listen to it through the door. Feeling borderline catatonic, I make my way back downstairs.
‘Tea?’ Ella asks. I nod and then, when she glances up and registers my expression, she frowns. ‘Everything all right?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. I’m still feeling dazed. I’ve got so many thoughts swirling round in my skull that I’m struggling to make sense of them. ‘But I think it might be.’
Ella looks puzzled, as well she might. ‘Want to tell me about it?’
But as she hands me the tea, Flick comes down. She’s back in her shorts and T-shirt, but her face is flushed and her hair is tousled. There’s a red rash round her mouth and chin where Harry’s stubble has rubbed her. It’s clear to anyone with eyes in their head that she has just been thoroughly and soundly shagged. Ella raises an eyebrow in surprise. Flick has the good grace to look sheepish.
‘I wondered where you’d got to,’ she says to Flick. ‘Shall I put some cakes on a plate? Everyone must be a bit peckish by now.’
Not surprisingly, I have no appetite at all. ‘Flick and I are just going to have a chat outside.’ I dare Flick to argue, but she doesn’t. ‘We’ll be back soon.’
‘Is something the matter?’ Ella wants to know.
‘We have some things to sort out,’ I tell her.
‘Shall I come with you?’
‘If you don’t mind, Ella, I think that it’s something that Flick and I need to do alone.’
‘OK.’ Still bemused, Ella says, ‘Tea?’
‘Not right now,’ Flick answers flatly. ‘Though if you were offering a double brandy, I’d take one.’
I nod towards the kitchen door and, without offering further explanation, she follows me outside.
We cross the terrace towards the beach, unspeaking, and my mind whirrs as I try to work out the best way to handle this. I thought that Harry had fallen out of love with me through some fault of my own. I never thought that he had found someone else and, if I had, I would never have dreamed that it would be Flick.
Do I know my husband so little? Yes, I think. Perhaps I do.
Chapter Seventy-Six
When we reach the middle of the beach, I sit down cross-legged on the sand. Flick sits next to me, adopting the same pose. There’s no one else here but us. At the water’s edge, a sandcastle is slowly but surely being consumed by the sea, signalling that a family has been here today, but are now long gone.
Together we stare out at the waves, at the sinking sun. Flick fishes her packet of cigarettes from her pocket and lights one. She shelters it from the breeze while the flame catches, then she inhales deeply.
I’m still thinking of ways to start this conversation, of what I want to say to my friend, when Flicks says, ‘I’ve never really liked the sea. It all looks very lovely, but you can never tell what might be lurking just beneath the surface. It’s always made me wary.’
Much like life, I suppose, but it seems too flippant a comment to make in the circumstances.
‘It was supposed to be over.’ She blows out a stream of smoke. ‘Between me and Harry. I ended it a couple of weeks ago.’
‘How long has it been going on?’
‘A while,’ she admits. ‘A few months. Maybe longer.’
‘So all the time he was on Twitter, he was talking to you?’
‘Yeah. Pretty much.’
‘No wonder he was in so much of a panic about getting a signal down here.’
‘I’d said I wasn’t coming. How could I? Who in their right mind would want to come down here and play gooseberry with you lot? He’d been trying to text me to find out if that was still the case. And, because I couldn’t ring him, he wasn’t aware of Noah. It was a terrible shock to him.’
It must have been.
‘Do you love him?’
‘Harry? I’ve tried not to,’ she says. ‘God only knows I’ve tried. But I just couldn’t help it, Grace.’
I say nothing, but I can certainly identify with that.
‘I didn’t want this to happen,’ she continues. ‘The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. Harry and I, well, it started out in innocence, then it got out of control. You know how it is?’
I should say, ‘No, I don’t.’ But I do. I could see it happening so easily.
‘You’re my friend,’ she says softly. ‘My closest friend. You, Ella and me, we’re like sisters. I love you.’
I want to say that she has a strange way of showing it, but how can I be so judgemental when I was a hair’s breadth from doing the same thing to her? I could take the moral high ground and think that Noah and I never actually did anything physical, but is that really what adultery is? Does the physical act actually matter? Surely it’s more to do with what’s in your heart that shows whether you are betraying your loved ones or not?
‘Harry and I are like two peas in a pod,’ she says. ‘We have a laugh together.’
As he and I never can now.
‘But you and Harry?’ I sound stunned. As, indeed, I am.
‘Oh, Grace,’ Flick’s voice is bleak. ‘How can I ever begin to say I’m sorry?’
I feel I should rail and shout, get out what I’m feeling inside. But how can I do that when I’m not even sure what I feel myself? I’m dazed. Reeling even. But there’s also a numbness inside me. I feel no anger, no pain. I could rake this every which way, but what good would it do? I don’t want there to be recriminations. Harry and Flick are in love. These things happen. I should know.