At the sound of Reid’s name, Kara’s blood chilled. “He wasn’t happy about it at the time. Now it appears he no longer cares.”
“Oh, honey.” Bree put her arms around Kara.
“He wouldn’t have called me if that were true,” Elena pointed out. “He didn’t want you to be alone. Give him time, Kara. He’s wrestling with a heavy load.”
Kara lowered her head and sighed. She wished she knew how to do that. But the truth was Reid had never told her anything about his daughter, except that she’d died. He didn’t trust her with the details. And it seemed like he could no longer be bothered to learn all about hers.
“Here we are, all clean and smelling sweet again.” Sean emerged from the second bedroom with Nadia on his shoulders. Cass stood up with a smile and peeled the baby off him, covered her chubby cheeks with kisses.
“Okay.” Lucas stood up and clapped his hands. “Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’ll get you both dressed, pack some toys and food for Nadia and we’re all heading to the park. Make sure your phone is charged so when Dr. Tully calls, you can speak as long as you need to until every question is answered and all your worries are gone.”
Kara shook her head. The last thing she wanted was to leave the safety net of her apartment. She’d probably end up losing Nadia again and Reid would—
“You know what? That sounds like a good plan,” she said. She had real issues, real worries and if Reid Bennett was too pig-headed to deal with his own problems, then she sure didn’t need him in hers.
It didn’t take long. Many hands make light work, or so her Nana used to say. Kara pushed Nadia’s stroller—the baby was securely belted—there was a packed bag hanging from the handle bearing snacks, Nadia’s lunch, extra diapers, her favorite blanket, and a first aid kit.
Just in case.
Her cell phone was in her pocket, where she’d be sure to feel it when it vibrated.
Sean, Jake, and Lucas brought a ball from Nadia’s toy box, but wouldn’t let her have it until they reached the park. Nadia, to Kara’s embarrassment, was not taking that decision very well, and was screaming at the top of her little lungs.
“Ignore it, right?” Kara asked Bree. “That’s what the experts always say about tantrums.”
“Yes.” Bree nodded firmly. “She’s mad and that’s okay. She needs to learn to control her own temper.”
Sure enough, Nadia decided to stop screaming by the time they’d reached the first intersection. And by the time they’d reached the park, she was back to babbling and laughing. They’d just found a patch of grass in the warm June sun when the fire alarm pierced the air and Kara’s thoughts immediately flew to Reid.
Elena patted her back.
Kara let out a heavy sigh and watched Bree smile up at big Jake Killen, the pro hockey player who’d won her heart when she was just nineteen years old. Jake stole a kiss when Sabrina spread out the blanket. She turned her gaze to Cass and Sean. Sean ran his thumb down Cassandra’s jaw while she whispered something to him, a contented smile playing on his lips. Soon, the whole group of them would travel upstate to witness Jade and Ben marry. Bree and Jake. Cass and Sean. Elena and Lucas.
And her.
Just her.
She tuned them out, tuned them all out. Oh, of course she was happy for all of them. But if she were being completely honest with herself, she was even happier they’d all dropped everything for her and Nadia and that made her feel terribly guilty. She hated even more when things didn’t make sense the way they didn’t right now. Kara thought back to the Christmas just before Nadia was born and how determined Elena had been to ignore the signs everyone else saw in bright neon. It was Al, Luke’s best friend, who’d been able to crack that tough stubborn Larsen skull of hers.
“Hello!”
Speaking of. She looked up, smiled at Al in his shirt and tie.
“Lucas texted me. Is it okay to join you?”
“Of course it is!” Kara scooted off the blanket and pecked Al on the cheek. Lucas joined them, did that one-armed bro hug thing guys seemed to enjoy. She waited. She waited for Al to turn to her and point out the signs she hadn’t noticed. It was what Al did. Didn’t she deserve a little happiness? Didn’t she deserve love like her friends? Her sister?
She’d gone over it all a dozen—a thousand times. She’d never upset her mother. She’d never said things in anger to her the way Elena had. She’d never carried around any guilt. Things had been perfect! Okay. Maybe not perfect. She’d never gotten along well with her father. That hadn’t changed. After her mother was killed, her father grew even more distant. The last time she’d seen him was just after Nadia was born. He called once a month or so and sent Nadia gifts from time to time but no, things had not improved.
Was her mother punishing her for that? Was the sign she’d been waiting for to fix things with Dad? Every damn day, she searched and second-guessed and saw signs where obviously none existed. She scrubbed her hands over her face, hoped it wasn’t burning with mortification, and concluded she was a fool of monumental proportions.
“Ma! Out.” Nadia demanded from her stroller.
Absently, she unfastened Nadia’s restraints, set her daughter loose on the unsuspecting park visitors. Instantly, Nadia grabbed for the ball the guys had brought along.
“Okay, yes, you can play ball now,” Lucas told her with a laugh. He led her to a patch of grass and gently tossed her the ball. Nadia giggled and shrieked as she chased after it.
“Relax, Mama.” Bree smiled. “The guys will all watch her.” She jerked her chin toward the lawn where Sean and Jake had already joined the game.
Grateful, Kara sank to the blanket and watched her daughter play.
“Tell me about Reid.” Cass patted Kara’s knee.
Kara shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about him. He was just another mistake.”
“No. No, sweetheart. He wasn’t.” Elena shook her head. “You love him and Kara, I’m telling you, he loves you right back.”
Kara laughed once. She was done with love.
“Uh oh, she’s on a breakaway!” Jake shouted.
Kara’s head snapped around just in time to see Nadia dart after the ball and disappear, all three guys chasing her. “Oh, God.” She scrambled to her feet, hurried to catch up. By the time she had, she found her daughter safe and sound...
In Reid Bennett’s arms.
Reid walked through the park, his steps slow to keep the pounding in his head from ratcheting back up.
No. That was an excuse.
He was stalling.
He had to see Kara, apologize, explain everything. He just didn’t have the words. He knew he was a bad risk. He had little to offer...except scars. And they ran so deep, he wasn’t sure there was anything else left. He knew only that he loved her and hoped to God that could be enough.
He spotted an empty bench and sank down, not surprised to find his hands shaking. He’d thought leaving and staying away were the right things to do. After trying it for a day, he now concluded it wasn’t possible. The pain was crushing. He couldn’t get Kara—or Nadia—off his mind. Every blond he saw was Kara. Every toddler he saw was Nadia.
A shriek to his right had his head snapping toward a baby running his way. Four guys were chasing her. He was on his feet before the thought connected. Nadia.
“Eeeeeeed!”
“Jesus.” The baby was in his arms and it was Nadia and he never wanted to let her go. “Hey, little miss. Where do you think you’re going, huh? And where’s your mommy?” He looked up, expecting to find Kara right on Nadia’s heels, but instead, found a huge guy heading straight for them.
“Hey! I’ll take her now, thank you.”
When the stranger held out his arms for the child Reid turned her away, shifted her to one arm, ready to fight to the death to protect her if he had to. “I don’t think so, pal.”
The big man’s eyes narrowed and suddenly, Reid knew who this was. “You’re...holy crap, you’re Jake Killen, the hocke
y player.”
“Yeah, yeah, now give me back my niece.”
Reid’s jaw dropped. “Your what?”
The three other guys caught up, arranged themselves around him. He recognized one of them. “Lucas.”
Luke’s jaw tightened. “Reid.”
At the sound of his name, the other men coiled like snakes about to strike and Reid’s stomach fell to his feet. “Guess Kara mentioned me, huh?”
“Yeah. She did.” Jake crossed his arms, looked down at Reid.
“Reid?”
Reid jerked at the sound of Kara’s voice. She was wearing those short pants things with a flowy top that hinted at the curves he knew were under it. The purple circles were back under her eyes and she wore no makeup that he could see. And still, everything inside him lit up like a night on Broadway at the sight of her.
He took a step toward her and another and just as he was about to touch her, she stepped back and all the pain hit him again.
“Eed. Kiss.”
Jeez, he almost forgot Nadia on his hip. He turned and Nadia pressed a loud kiss right on his mouth and he couldn’t help it. He laughed. “How is she, Kara?”
Kara looked away, her mouth tight.
No. God, no. The blood in his veins turned to ice.
“We don’t know yet.”
“Son of a—” He shifted Nadia’s weight. “Here. Take her. I’ll call Tully myself.”
“You don’t—”
“I told you his bedside manner kind of sucks.” Reid pulled the phone out of his pocket, scrolled through his contacts. “He doesn’t get how worried we are...yeah,” he snapped into the phone. “This is Reid Bennett. I need to talk to Dr. Tully right away...yeah. I’ll hold.”
“Reid.”
Impatiently, he paced in a circle, shot up a hand when Kara tried to stop him. The big hockey player stared at him like he was a few Fruit Loops short of a bowl and Lucas kept conferring with his buddy, a guy with a wicked scar on one cheek. The fourth guy, a scruffy rocker type, had his arm around Kara and if Reid didn’t have a phone to his ear, he’d have tried to tear it off.
He waited, paced some more and decided he didn’t like the way all four of these guys were looking at him. “Tell the guard dogs to stand down, Kara.”
The rocker snapped up straight but Kara held him back with a raised hand.
“What are you doing, Reid?”
“Eed, Ma.” Nadia patted Kara’s face.
“Yes, honey, it’s Reid.” She humored her daughter but never took her eyes off his. “You left us. Without a word, you just walked out.”
“Yeah. I did. And we’re gonna talk about that as soon as this mother—Yeah. Tully. This is Reid Bennett. You got results yet for Nadia Larsen? Everybody’s worried here—”
“Yeah.” He sank back to the bench. Kara’s face lost its color. He held out his other hand and she took it, sat beside him with the baby on her lap. “Yeah. You sure? Okay. Tell her in plain English.” He gave Kara the phone and took Nadia from her.
“Dr. Tully, this is Kara Larsen.”
He sat with the baby on his lap, pressed her head to his heart and shut his eyes.
“Is she okay, man? Tell us.”
He couldn’t speak. He could hardly breathe. All he could do was nod.
“Yes.” Kara was crying. “Thank you.” She dropped the phone and just stared at her baby. “No sign of coarctation. No high blood pressure.”
“Kara. What about the murmur?” Luke crouched down in front of her, one hand protectively on Nadia’s chubby leg.
“He spoke to the surgeon and they’re sure it’s an innocent murmur. The harmless kind.” She pressed both hands to her chest and took a deep breath. “She’s fine, guys. She’s fine.” And then she burst into sobs of relief.
All four guys surrounded her, tried to soothe her. Nadia began to whimper in his arms and Reid rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s it. Here you go, little miss. Uncle Lucas wants to hold you.” He all but dumped the baby into Luke’s arms and scooped Kara into his arms. “Listen to me, Kara. The baby is fine. Did you hear me? She’s fine.”
Kara trembled but nodded. “Yes. I heard you. Let me up.”
“Uh uh. Not happening. Not until we talk.”
“You had nothing to say yesterday.”
“I know it and I’m sorry for it. That’s why we’re gonna talk.”
Her four guard dogs were holding themselves a little conference. “Guys. Can you take Nadia for a while? Give me and Kara a few minutes?”
The hockey player took a step forward but Lucas and his buddy shook their heads.
“It’s okay, guys. Go find the girls, give them the good news.” Kara waved them off.
“Ya got ten minutes,” the rocker told him with a hint of Ireland in his words. “Make her cry again, and we’ll want a word of our own.”
Reid glanced from man to man. “So, I’m guessing now wouldn’t be a good time to ask you for your autograph,” he said to the hockey player. “Maybe a quick selfie? Yeah. Didn’t think so.” He ignored them and looked down at Kara. “I flaked out on you yesterday and there’s a reason. I’d like to share it with you, if you’ll let me.”
Lucas adjusted the baby on his hip, picked up their ball and started walking away, two of the guys flanking him. With one last glare over his shoulder, the hockey player followed.
“Let me up, Reid.”
“Uh uh. Kara, I’m never letting go of you again,” he blurted. “I’m sorry for hurting you, for walking out yesterday and for the pain I put in your eyes. I’m sorry.” He held her face in his hands, forced her to look at him, to see his sincerity but she wasn’t buying it. She looked up at him, brown eyes flat and swimming with tears.
“So why did you?”
It wasn’t the words that slashed him. It was the tone. Arctic cold and lifeless and he knew he’d done that to her.
“I was scared.”
She sent him a look so derisive, he felt his balls shrink.
“We were all scared.” It was subtle, that inflection she put on the word all, but it told him what she really thought of him.
He shook his head. Damn it, this was killing him. “You know all that stuff you told me about the signs from your mom?” He didn’t wait for her to reply, just pushed it all out before she could stop him. “I believe in that stuff. Hundred percent. I go down to the Memorial all the time to talk to Kyle and I swear to you, he talks back.” He slid her off his lap, got up to pace again. “He tells me when I’m being an ass, he tells me he misses me and he tells me I’m a good person even though—” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat, swallowed hard. “Even though I’m a dick most of the time.”
He didn’t look at her. Didn’t dare. “I was twenty years old when Kyle died. He was twenty-four. Just landed his first job with the NYFD and had the world in his hands.” He held up his empty palm, let it fall. “I was so lost, Kara. I have two older sisters but we’re not close. Kyle and me? We were like this.” He held up two fingers, twisted together. “I spent a long time just...just existing, you know? Going through the motions, waiting for my life to end so I could be with my brother again. I didn’t want to sleep, didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to do anything. I just...marked time.”
He sat back down, scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck and stared at the ground. The park was crowded today—not unusual for a warm day at the end of June in New York City. He was only dimly aware of joggers passing by, people walking dogs or pushing strollers. All he could see was Kara.
“I kept coming down here. Even when it was just a pit, I kept coming down here. It made me feel close to him. The first sign he ever sent me, it was a few months after the attacks. New Year’s. I came down here during this icy sleet deal that damn near froze my nuts off. I’m walking along and I see this flyer and I pick it up because it’s dry, you see? It’s dry in the middle of this ice storm. I mean, what are the odds? Turned out it was a recruiting thing for the fire department. They were, uh, you know...
low on crews.”
He glanced over at Kara, wondering if she understood the significance of that. Her eyes squeezed shut and he nodded to himself, satisfied.
“I signed up and became a paramedic and I know, right here,” he said, thumping his chest. “I know it was my brother who guided me.” Reid sat back, stretched a hand over the back of the bench. “I finished the training, landed an assignment, and the days got...” he trailed off, trying to find the right word. “Not easier. But somehow, I got stronger. I could cope. I met Lynn. One day, she told me she loved me and to my total shock, I realized I loved her back. So we did what people are supposed to. We got married, we had a kid and—God.” A sob tore from him and Kara’s lip trembled. Her hand came up to soothe and that encouraged him.
Maybe it wasn’t too late.
“We named her Erin. I wanted to name her Kylie, after my brother, but Lynn hated it so we named her Erin.” He shoved a hand in his pocket, took out his wallet, and handed her a picture of all three of them taken at Erin’s third birthday. Kara took it, smiled sadly.
“She looks like you.”
He nodded, feeling the punch of that right in the throat. “She had hair the same color as Nadia’s, and my eyes.” He took back his wallet, snapped it shut, swiped a knuckle under his eyes. “She, God! She... died about three months after this was taken. And it was my fault.” He took a deep breath and let the pain shatter him.
Tears fell from his eyes, embarrassment burned his cheeks and the chronic ache he’d lived with for years became acute agony. Since his baby girl died, he never talked about her, never looked at pictures of her, and every time he thought of her, he shoved those thoughts into a dark corner of his mind and chained the door. “I never talk to her the way I do Kyle. I don’t visit her grave. I don’t look at pictures. I don’t even think about her if I can avoid it because I’m—God! I’m too damned scared, Kara. I don’t want her to tell me what I already know.” He slapped a hand over his heart again.
She shook her head, inched closer to him and put her hand over his. The gesture broke him.
“Kara. Oh, God, baby, I’m so sorry.” He clutched her tight and when her arms came around him, vowed to never let her go again. “When Nadia... Jesus, I couldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t survive it a second time.”