My mind flashed to the hotel room in Tokyo when I told her we were done, the worst mistake of my life.
She was lost; her eyes went blank for a moment and my face softened. I hated seeing her pain. I couldn’t bloody stand it.
"Why?” she whispered, tears still falling softly from her eyes.
Dear God. My heart pounded so fast I thought it would fly from my body, and my eyes burning with unshed tears.
She was sobbing and falling to her knees, her hands came up to cover her face as she cried and cried; her sobs so intense that there was no sound, only the violent shaking of her shoulders until she gasped loudly for air and fell to her knees.
My heart was breaking as I watched. My throat ached and my heart felt like it would fly from my body.
"Cade, I ca—can’t take this." She was gasping for breath; her voice was softer now, but so tortured. I knew I wasn't breathing. “I can’t be near you like this.”
The cast and crew stood motionless around her.
I couldn't take any more. I walked quickly to her, unbelieving she was falling apart in front of everyone. The studio suits would be furious, but they were the last thing I was worried about. My focus was on her as my arms wrapped around her and lifted her to her feet. She melted into me, her hands clutching at my shirt, still sobbing. I drew in a deep breath and despite the situation and the eyes on us, she was in my arms and that was all that mattered. It was like a weight had been lifted off of my heart.
"Brook, my love... it's over." I tried to soothe her but she was lost to me, deaf to my words as she continued to cry softly now. My hands brushed her hair back and cupped her face.
"Brook!" I said sharply.
When she didn't respond, I gathered her up in my arms and strode off the sound stage and out into the lot toward the trailers. "It’s going to be okay, babe. I'm here and I've got you." Her arms crept around my neck and she snuggled against my chest as her shaking lessened slightly.
The entire cast and crew stood with mouths agape as they watched me carry her across the lot. I strode past Wendy, and Jennifer and both of their faces were stunned, Jennifer had tears in her eyes.
"I guess he really does love her," Wendy said astonished. I heard their conversation as I passed.
"Where the hell have you been for the past year and a half? You'd have to be freaking blind not to see what's between them, Wendy. You just didn't want to believe it." Jennifer sounded incredulous.
I kicked my way into Brook's trailer and settled on the couch with her in my lap. I tried to soothe her by rubbing her back and kissing her forehead. It reminded me of the time when she'd cried on the prom set of Twilight last year.
"Oh Cade..." she sobbed against me.
"Shhh, Brook. I'm here with you, love." My arms tightened around her and my heart leapt when she said my name.
"I've missed you so much. I just- I can't do this without you. I tried, but now that you’re here, I... I can't," she cried, a new set of sobs racking her slender form.
"Oh, sweetheart, you don't have to. You never did." I kissed her sweet mouth. "I've been half alive without you," I breathed into her hair. "I love you, Brook," I whispered, "more than anything."
She pulled back and looked into my face with her teary eyes and shook her head. "No. I-I can't. I need us to be like we were last year before we... " She sniffed and pushed at my chest. She looked into my stunned face and shook her head. "Before, you... we—"
"Are you telling me to pretend I don't love you?" My heart hardened. "That we never..." I shook my head in disbelief and ran a frustrated hand through my hair.
"Everything that's happened has hurt so much, and I'm - I'm scared. I, I don't want to go through that again. Loving you like that, it hurts too much. I lost myself, and then I lost you. It left me empty inside but you were my best friend, and I need you back like that." She was so shaken I wondered if she even knew what she was saying.
"You're so important, and that part of our relationship was safe." She was rambling, on and on. "Maybe we can only be friends, but I can't lose you completely." Her voice broke as she brought the back of her hand to her mouth. "I-I know that now." She raised her liquid blue eyes to mine.
I felt my lips tighten into a firm line. "Brook. The point is-I don't even know what happened or why you've shut me out since January. Why did things change between us? We were so happy."
“Wendy…” she began.
I set her on the couch and stood up, took a few steps away as anger welled up inside me, and then turned back to face her. "I was never with Wendy. Never!" I yelled at her and she flinched. It shook me out of my temper.
Oh God, what was I doing? I didn't want to hurt her more. This was not the direction I wanted this conversation to take.
I knelt in front of her and took her face between my hands, brushing her cheekbone with my thumb. "I've been in Hell, Brook, just... bloody hell these past months," I said urgently, but softly.
Her hand came up to touch my face of its own volition, the sadness pouring out of her eyes. The touch of her soft hand settled me a little, but my mind was still conflicted. She rested her forehead on my cheek.
"Love," I said, my voice rough, thick, "I know you're upset right now, so maybe it would be better if we talked tonight, where we can be alone and uninterrupted. I really, really need for you to tell me why you're so sure I was with Wendy so I can address it and get to the bottom of it, okay? I was not with Wendy, Brook. For you to even think I would do that to you, rips my bloody guts out. You know how much I fucking love you." My voice broke and my thumb continued to stroke her cheek as I looked deeply into her eyes. "I would never hurt you like that. It would be worse than hurting myself." I was so emotional, I felt my throat start to choke off and my eyes prick with unshed tears.
There was a knock on the door. "Are you guys okay? We're all getting ready to leave. The cars are waiting," Wendy called.
Leave it to Wendy to put a fucking exclamation point on what this was all about. At the sound of her voice, I could feel Brook's body stiffen in my arms. She pushed off the couch away from me and ran both hands through her hair, clutching at the scalp. Her features were pained.
I felt the fury rise within me. I never hated anyone so much in my life as I did Wendy in that moment.
"Yeah. We should still talk tonight." She nodded as she regained control of herself. "We're fine, Wendy," she called.
I took a deep breath, my hand threading through my hair. "Good. I'll come to your room around ten, then? "
"Okay. I'm just going to get myself together for a minute, change my clothes and then I'll grab a car back." Her eyes were softer and her voice was gentle as she placed her hand on my chest. "I'll see you later, then."
"Yes." I touched her chin with my thumb. "Alright." I placed a small kiss on her mouth and then moved to the door. "See you in a while, then."
I walked out of the trailer I could finally breathe. Wendy was still close by and I had to walk past her. She reached out a hand to me.
“Cade—”
“Leave her alone, Wendy. Stay away from both of us,” I said in an ominous tone as I walked passed her and back toward the building.
In a few short hours Brook and I were finally going to get everything out in the open. As my chest expanded in relief, I finally had hope. Hope that we were going to get back to us.
I was bloody well finished living without her. Fucking done.
I WANTED TO believe him; so much I couldn't breathe. I still couldn't piece together why or how Wendy could be in his apartment, but Cade was so adamant he wasn't with her, that my heart needed to hope he was telling the truth.
When he’d said he loved me, the words were like a balm to my wounded soul, his arms around me like water in the desert. I needed to believe him so I could continue to exist. It was that simple.
I took a shower and threw on some old sweat pants and an oversized T-shirt, rolling up the sleeves a couple times and tying a knot in the hem. I didn’t care how I l
ooked. I was emotionally spent and exhausted from the scene on set. I'd left it all in back there, breaking down just watching him act out a scene that had a small resemblance to real life. I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, that was still damp from the shower and hanging lose around my shoulders.
I decided to order pizza and beer rather than get a full-blown meal from room service. Cade liked Heinekens and pizza with everything on it. I wanted vegetables only, so I ordered half and half. I remembered how many times we'd done this while doing the first film. I smiled knowing he'd still want to help me eat some of the vegetable side.
I was unexpectedly calm, at ease. It was strange that I felt this way after all of the turmoil and even more unbelievable how badly I wanted this to work out with him. If I were honest, it wasn't that unbelievable. I needed Cade so much and wasn’t sure I could lose him, even if that horrible night with Wendy was reality.
The truth was, I loved him and he must have been wasted off his ass because he seemed to need the details. I’d give them to him even though it would hurt doing so. I'd listen to him and then we'd see where we went from there. I didn't want a repeat of the scene in Japan, so I knew I had to tell him absolutely everything. Maybe by some miracle we'd get beyond this and be able to rebuild at least part of our relationship. I wanted to get everything back if we could. Whether he was or wasn't with her, it didn't matter enough to keep us apart.
I heard the knock on the door, and it was then that my stomach sank and the nerves kicked in. I went to answer it and Cade was there in black jeans and a T-shirt, the stubble on his face starting to be visible, his hair mussed like he'd run his hands through it a hundred times.
He was still so beautiful, his blue eyes searching my face intently. My heart thumped in my chest as he took me in his arms and hugged me close, kissing my temple. I felt his chest rise and fall in a deep breath. It was obvious he was pensive and nervous.
He smelled so good and felt so good. I’d missed him so much. I couldn't help myself; I let my head settle on his chest and my arms wind tightly around his waist. I took in his scent, a mixture of shampoo and musky cologne, I’d committed to memory.
"I ordered pizza, I hope that's okay," I said softly. I felt suddenly awkward, scared about the conversation that we were about to have.
"Sure. That's fine." He stepped back a little to look at me. His eyes were soft and hungry, even a little sad as his hand reached out to cup my face.
Oh God, this isn't going to be easy, but we need this, I thought.
I had music playing softly in the background, selections I knew he liked; most of which I had tried not to listen to in the past months because the reminder was too painful.
"Your reaction today on set was unexpected, Brook. You had everyone in tears." He paused and looked at the floor. "Especially me," he said softly.
My head bent and my hand went up to cover his hand as his thumb brushed back and forth on my cheekbone. I shook my head a little.
"I’m... " I struggled for what to say as I raised my eyes to his perfect features, drinking in the sight of him. It had been three weeks since I'd seen him and December in London since we'd made love. My heart stopped in my chest. “Sorry.”
"It was real to me. It wasn't Ryan and Julia... that was us out there." He cleared his throat. “I mean, the situation echoed our own, but you have to know…” Cade trailed off.
I felt my voice tremble. "Even hearing you speak as Ryan about cheating on Julia; on me. Only Ryan couldn’t ever cheat." My voice was soft, almost distant, yet there was a catch in my throat. Could Cade? “And the way you left in Tokyo was brutal.”
"I know," he said the words so softly. "Except I'd never leave you, love. Not really, I was just so angry and hurt in Japan. I tried to tell you so many times since, but..." His voice was velvet and soft. "I didn't mean what I said when I told you I couldn't love you anymore."
I nodded. "Yeah, I know. I guess I just wasn't ready to listen."
I stepped back and his arms dropped to his sides. His brow crinkled and he looked pained. I knew that if I let him hold me and touch me, we'd never talk like we needed to.
"I've really missed you. Not being able to talk to you was..." his words dropped off as he stared at my face. "How have you been?"
I motioned for him to sit down. "Miserable, if I'm honest, Cade. I've been completely... devastated." My hand rose to cover my eyes. "Um," I swallowed the tight knot in my throat. "Do you want a beer?" I didn't wait for him to answer, but I went to the bar to get one. I felt vulnerable, and had to break the tension somehow.
"Thanks," he said softly as he took it from me. I could feel how fragile we both were.
I sat down on the opposite end of the bed from him. We sat in silence for a few minutes, neither one of us knowing where to start, but finally, I had to say something.
"I'm sorry, Cade. I shouldn't have disappeared the way I did. I should have talked to you the night you came to my room, but I just wasn't strong enough. I know I should have told you what was upsetting me. It was immature of me, but I guess, I just thought you already knew why."
"How would I know?" he asked, his tone still soft as he reached for my hand. His fingers were warm as they closed around mine.
"I've realized through all of this that I lost myself somewhere. I'm usually so tough and strong, but since last May when we wrapped and I came to London, I've just been a mess. I don't recognize myself. When I open my eyes—you're all I see."
His blue eyes, so beautiful as he looked at me, widened.
"Everywhere, every thought and memory is about you. The past, present, and future... you're all I can see in front of me. After that thing with Wendy...," Cade’s brow crinkled and he opened his mouth to speak, but I pushed on, "it's all become convoluted and distorted, somehow." I got up to pace around the room.
"I've never been this emotionally raw or confused about anything before and it's shaken me up quite a bit. I feel so fucking helpless because so many things are out of my control, especially my feelings. I can't stop loving you even when it hurts so much, it's like I'm drowning and I… I can't save myself."
I could see that he wanted to speak, the panic showed plainly in his gorgeous face. "Cade, please let me finish or I'll never get it all out." I took a breath, and blinked at the tears that I felt pooling in my eyes.
"Oh, God." I ran a hand through my hair before continuing.
"When we were working you were a safe place for me. I loved being with you, I relied on you more than I realized and I loved you to a degree that was inconceivable to me. I... I let myself need someone for the first time in my life; let myself really feel and trust more than I ever had. Hmmph," I expelled my breath as I checked myself. "Let myself is the wrong way to put it. I have no choices where you're concerned. It's bigger than me, and it scared me." I let out a shaky laugh, my whole body trembling with emotion.
"See how weak I've become, and the worst part is that I know that my strength is what you found most attractive about me." My voice was shaking as I struggled to control my emotions.
I sat back down on the bed, and he took both of my hands in his.
"Brook; that's not the only reason I want you. Everything about you calls to me. You're so smart and loving, funny and sexy. You make me happier than I've ever been; you're so, so beautiful, and I love that you let yourself be weak with me. It shows that you trust me." He dropped his eyes to our hands. "I want to protect you from everything that hurts you."
He reached for me again and I pulled back to stop him. I didn't think I'd get through this if he touched me like that. His face contorted with pain as his hands fell back to his lap, so I moved toward him and put my hands on both sides of his face. I looked into his blue eyes and tried to explain.
"The point that I'm trying to make is that I still love you, too, so much, but it consumes me and clouds my judgment. I need us to be like we were before. It was so much less painful then."
It was Cade who pulled back then. br />
"No!” he exclaimed, his voice elevating. “It wasn't less painful for me. To be near you and want you so badly, but not be able to tell you or show you, to feel so close to you but not be sure you loved me, was living hell. I don't want that again." His face twisted and his voice was full of pain. "I love you, Brook. I want to marry you, not worship you from afar. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear." His tone was edged with anger mixed with sorrow.
"Yes, but things changed when Wendy..." my voice dropped off when I saw the anger overtake his perfect features. His mouth set, his jaw muscles working overtime, his brow dropping low over his eyes.
"Oh yes, here we go. Brilliant! Can you please tell me what the bloody hell you're trying to say?" His eyes flashed at me and his voice got louder.
"Cade, I don't want to fight like before, please? If you were anyone else, if what we had wasn't so mind-blowing, I'm sure this wouldn't be such a big deal, but with you, it just wrecked me. I know I should have told you all this last month, but I missed you and didn't want to start a fight." I felt the walls start to crumble around me as I struggled to keep control of my emotions. "I was trying to salvage something of us," I said wearily.
"But we did fight, didn't we? Because you were hiding something from me! And, I don't understand why. When was I supposedly with Wendy?" his voice was tight and his jaw clenched. "Just bloody tell me! I've been racking my fucking brain trying to figure it out and it's bloody impossible!"
I flinched. "Well, New Year's Eve." My voice shook, and I prayed I wouldn't cry.
He shook his head angrily.
"New Year's Eve, I went to a pub with Ethan, Dawson and Jennifer. Wendy showed up later, but I wasn't with her. I wasn't!" He turned and went to the window his back to me as he stood with a hand on his hip. "Ask Jennifer or any of them since you won't believe a goddamn word I say."
He was defeated, agitated, but then he turned to face me. "I'm hurt too, you know? I'm utterly destroyed by all of this. The fact that you would believe me capable of touching another woman after how it feels between us, is impossible for me to fucking comprehend! After all the time I waited for you, all that we've meant to each other—My God!"