He understood my permission.
He took utmost advantage.
His lips pressed harder, his tongue licking into my mouth.
Sensuality had nothing on him. Elder was the dictionary definition of sensual from the way his muscles clenched in need, his nostrils flared in want, and his lust wound tightly in constraint.
He kissed me hard and deep but with respect and affection, too. His taste and spicy flavour sent my head swimming as choppy as the ocean from our propellers.
A drench of attraction and nerves activated every sense until I sparkled and crackled inside.
Whatever previous kisses he’d bestowed were no longer relevant. Whatever touch or activity we’d partaken in didn’t matter.
This kiss was everything.
It was truth.
It was honesty.
It was terrifying.
He kissed me with nothing barred. He dropped a disguise, letting me taste what he’d never say.
He was violence as well as tenderness.
He was obsession as well as rationality.
“Fuck, Pim.” His hands unlocked from the railing and cupped my cheeks. His fingers long enough to tuck around my nape and hold me firm. The kiss grew deeper, his tongue fighting mine as our teeth clacked with a rabid sort of desire that wasn’t entirely human.
I didn’t understand how I could have such need for him, when only yesterday, I’d bawled in his arms the moment he’d entered me. How could I go from timid and disgusted by sex to suddenly wet and oh so heavy?
Everything was heavy—my breasts, between my legs, my mind. I weighed more than the world combined, but in his arms, I trusted he could hold that weight regardless of how I drowned under it.
I arched my back, rubbing myself against him. Needing friction, needing contact. Going against everything I ever held fundamental.
I woke him out of whatever trance he was under.
Ripping his mouth from mine, Elder stepped backward, dragging his hands over his face. “Shit, I didn’t mean to do that.”
I raised a trembling finger to my bruised and besotted mouth.
It wasn’t you who started it.
He frowned a little, his lips tightening. “Wait…I wasn’t the one who started that.”
I allowed old habits to answer for me. I narrowed my eyes, giving him every reply he needed to hear.
I kissed you because you gave me the choice.
He drew up his shoulders, questions etching his gaze. “Why? Why did you kiss me after what I did to you yesterday?” He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe I’d choose to do such a thing. “How can you kiss me after I did the worst thing I could possibly do?”
I moved from the railing, my hand stretching forward to take his. I shivered as our fingertips connected, slowly evolving into a hand grip as seconds ticked past.
I swallowed, preparing, testing. “I-I’m the one who’s sorry.”
He stiffened even as his eyes darkened hearing my voice. Such a rare commodity and one he’d demanded for so long. “What?” The word came out hissing and stinging with venom. “You’re apologising to me? What the fuck, Pim?”
His fingers tried to untangle from mine, craving distance to either prevent lashing out or showing his disgust for me shouldering some of the blame. “You don’t get to apologise. There’s nothing for you to apologise for. Got it?”
I didn’t let his hand go, dragging my courage to talk from touching him. Somehow, I was no longer afraid of sharing affection even if it was as simple as linked fingers. “I was wrong to ask—”
He tore his hand away, jamming it deep into his jeans’ pocket. “No, you weren’t.” He paced in front of me. “You were right to ask. I’d want to know the same damn thing. Shit, I’d like to know where anyone was two years ago. Where were the police? Your family? Friends? Why wasn’t anyone there to fight for you?”
I flinched, refusing to let old memories creep in even as they hammered on the door garrisoning my mind.
He stopped pacing, moving toward me to place both hands on my hips.
I gasped at the weight and heat but didn’t flush with fear. He watched me carefully, trying to assess how far he could push. “You were right to ask, and I wish I had a better answer for you. I wish I could change the past and make it so you were never taken. But, Pim…” His voice lowered with husky sincerity. “If I had been there. If I’d been in the same room as you and seen you stand in front of those bastards with a price tag on your head, I wouldn’t have stood by and watch you be sold. I would’ve fucking won you, do you hear me? Whatever drew us together at Alrik’s would’ve drawn me to you then.”
Tears swelled, tipped, and ran unbidden down my cheeks. It was so wrong to be romanced at the thought of another man buying me. But that was the difference with Elder. His ownership wasn’t about kicking me to an acceptable level beneath him. His care was all about raising me to be his equal because there I was strong enough to give him what he ultimately wanted.
I’m beginning to understand you, Elder Prest.
He wanted my body. But he wanted something else more. And he couldn’t earn that until I was cured.
His fingers squeezed my hipbones. “I would’ve been the one to buy you. I would’ve spent every goddamn penny for the honour of owning you, if only for a night. And then, I would’ve come to my senses and let you go.” He released my hips, tucking hair behind my ear as it licked my cheek with sea breeze. “I can’t say I wouldn’t have bought you and never touched you. A reaction like the one I have toward you is too powerful to control. But I promise if I had fucked you, you wouldn’t have been hurt. You wouldn’t be broken with memories of abuse. You would’ve been a full participant. And who knows? Maybe we would’ve fallen in love and realised no amount of money could buy happiness. That it was only fate.”
His eyes softened as his thumb whispered over my cheek. “But we’ll never know if what we feel could’ve been anything more than lust. Because you’re damaged, and I have no right to damage you further. I went against my promises last night. I hurt you. And what I want from you…it’s too much to ask. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to do the right thing and set you free.”
Wait…what?
I froze, staring past his confession, trying to see if he was serious.
I—
I didn't know how I felt about that.
Just like yesterday when he’d taken me, I needed his support to keep me in one piece. He shattered me but held me together in equal measures. My nemesis and saviour.
He couldn’t give me something so painful and pleasurable and then say he was getting rid of me.
Anger bubbled. I pushed at his hands, forcing him to let me go. “So now you’ve been inside me you have no more time for me, is that it?”
His eyes widened. “What? No! Of course not. I want—”
“You want to get rid of me to remove any evidence of losing control.”
“That’s not it at all—”
My throat burned, but I hissed through my pain, “Do what you want. Get rid of me. See if I care.” I fought my sudden trembling. “But know this. I didn’t run or hide from you today. I could’ve barricaded myself in my room for what you did and the way you made me feel. I could’ve jumped overboard to be free of everything. But I didn’t.”
I swallowed, lubricating my throat, checking in with my tongue to ensure my tirade was doable after years of silence.
Elder opened his mouth to interrupt, but I growled, “I’m standing here because I’m strong enough to discuss what happened between us. I’m brave enough to kiss you knowing what happened last time.”
I jabbed a finger in his chest. “You might call me damaged, but how could I do those things if I was still the same girl you carried from that white dungeon? I thought you were willing to help me through this. That whatever reasons you stole me was just the beginning. You knew how screwed up I was, yet you gave me a purpose to fight.” My lips curled. “And now I’m ready to fight, to ta
lk, to argue, to stand up to you, and you don’t want me?” I laughed coldly. “You aren’t the man I thought you were. You’re a coward.”
He backed away, his face resembling concrete cracking with an earthquake. “You’re right that you don’t know me. That’s why I’m giving you your freedom.”
“I know enough.” I looked him up and down. “You’re afraid of me.”
His hands twitched by his sides. “Wrong.”
“You’re afraid of what you’ll do to me.”
“Yes, fucking terrified.”
His admission quietened me for a second.
He leapt into the silence, tearing it up with his own argument. “You think now I’ve had you—the brief moment I was inside you—I’ve conquered whatever I need and can toss you aside as if you mean nothing?” His teeth bared. “Fuck, Pim. It’s the opposite. Now that I’ve felt you, I need you so goddamn much my joints hurt because of it. My heart hurts. My body hurts. Everything fucking hurts. Being this close to you is torture because all I want to do is bend you over the railing and fuck you.”
He groaned long and low as explicit images filled his head and mine. “I want to smother you with my body and thrust inside you. I want to do such things to you. Things you aren’t and will never be ready for. It’s because of that that I’m going to let you go. Don’t you dare say I’m scared of you. I’m not.” He sucked in a breath. “I’m scared of myself.”
Couldn’t he see I knew bad people, and he wasn’t bad? He carried his fair share of sins, but beneath that he was redeemable. “What if I don’t want to go?”
He breathed hard. “What?”
The question mimicked mine.
What am I saying?
All this time, I’d searched frantically for a way to be free, to return home and do my best to find a normal existence. But that was before Elder showed me I could never be Tasmin again. I could be a newer version of her, but I could never be the teenage girl who believed in fantasies of safety. I would go home…eventually. When I was untangled and repaired.
But not yet.
He could sell you to another.
No, I didn’t believe that. He could never be so callous after everything he’d just said. I’d thought he would trade me to another master a week ago, but that was before I truly started to listen. To see.
I lowered my voice, but it didn’t stop the desire for him to understand throbbing in every vowel. “You keep saying you’re thinking of my benefit. That letting me go is for my safety from you.” I stepped into his space. “I say it’s for your benefit. You’re the one who has more to lose by keeping me.”
“Damn fucking right I do. I could lose myself.”
“Lose yourself in me?”
“Yes, of course, in you. My heart in you, my cock in you. Fucking everything.”
“I won’t let that happen if you keep me.”
“No.”
“Fulfil your promise to make me buy myself from you. Make me strong by making me worthy.” I didn’t say how much I wanted him to touch me again or that I was open to another kiss and tentative exploration of things I’d been trained to hate. Human contact no longer repulsed me; I was just wary. He’d shown me not all men had brutality on their minds when it came to sex.
I wanted to know what was on his mind.
I wanted him to show me.
Because only then could I be free. Be human. Be a woman and not this terrified prisoner.
“I won’t do that.” He shook his head. “We’re sailing to port. I’ll do my best to find your mother, and once I do, I’ll take you home. I’ll do what I should’ve done the moment I found you.”
He sighed heavily, glancing at the grey twilight where once there’d been a spectacular sunset. “Once you’re back with those you trust, we’re saying goodbye, and I’m leaving. For good.”
Chapter Five
______________________________
Elder
GODDAMMIT. EVERY TIME I went near her, I ended up doing something I regretted.
First the kiss and then telling her about my plan to free her?
I hadn’t even finalised what I would do, yet somehow, I’d itemised everything just because she undermined my self-control.
I needed the words to shove her away from me. To be my shield against her.
All this time, she’d avoided me—gone out of her way to prevent touch or talk. But now she chased me. She kissed me. She fought me when I promised to give her what she’d wanted all along.
Why?
I paced away, moving toward the bridge. I didn’t care if she followed me; I just needed a few seconds alone to man the fuck up and get myself straight.
The fact she’d spoken to me in sentence strings and not half halts, or even that she’d kissed me regardless of what I’d done wasn’t what shocked me the most. It was the fact she’d argued against me freeing her.
Had I been wrong about her desires this entire time? Wasn’t freedom something a prisoner craved? Or had the worst finally happened where she was more comfortable in a master’s cage than she could ever be in wide open spaces with no one to dictate her life?
I raked both hands through my hair as I reached the middle of the ship and headed toward the barrier protecting the deck from the ocean. Slightly out of breath from my fast stalk, I forced myself to breathe deep and slow, to tame the chaotic urges building inside me.
The sea glittered with greys and blacks, giving way to the moon.
Something scuffed behind me. I looked over my shoulder.
Christ, I couldn’t get away from her. By embracing her voice, she’d grown unbelievably strong. Stronger than I could’ve hoped or expected but now it pissed me off because what she wanted didn’t line up with what I did.
I’m in fucking charge, not her.
It didn’t matter I’d taken her against her will or announced I would send her packing now she was healthy. She chased me down, her hands balled with determination, her hair flicking around her in the breeze.
Her cheeks glowed, lips pursed, and the light in her eyes cast full of intolerant shadows. She swallowed, grimacing a little against whatever pain she felt from using her voice. “Elder—”
“What do you want, Pim?” I tore my gaze from her to the endless horizon. A horizon that didn’t judge or ridicule. A vista that never changed—no matter if I was good or bad. “Tonight is not a good night for talking.”
Nor is any night I keep you close and can’t have you.
My hand snuck into my pocket, tracing the line of the joint I’d hid there. I’d rolled it a few hours ago but had yet to fail enough to smoke it. My thoughts were ragged but not uncontrollable. Not yet at least. But if Pim kept hounding me, I’d struggle, I’d cave, and then we’d both be fucked.
“I want to—” She coughed. “We need—”
“Sir?” A female servant with a black ponytail crept up behind Pim. “Sorry to interrupt but dinner is ready.”
Pim smiled at her before tucking her chin respectfully. She didn’t speak to the maid as if saving her voice for me.
I couldn’t deny that affected me. That I didn’t love that her answers and questions were all mine.
Fuck.
“Thank you.” I pushed off the railing and strode past Pim. Despite Selix setting up this sham of a date, I didn’t want to have dinner. I didn’t want to sit and stare and wish and want. I didn’t want to fight with her over doing the right thing. But I couldn’t send her away.
Not now.
That would be the height of rudeness—especially after what I’d done.
I shuddered as the memory of being inside her made me hard. I shouldn’t have any reaction apart from disgust. Definitely not the insane need to do it again.
Not looking back, I muttered, “Come on, little mouse. If you’re so interested in discussing your future, the least you can do is eat while doing it.”
She huffed but followed a few steps behind me.
I didn’t like it. I hated the feeling that she
could look at me, trace my back, my legs, my ass. She could think things and blatantly let emotion show on her face because I couldn’t see. Her gaze felt like a whipping.
Entering the dining room where she’d stripped and almost made me snap, we took our respective chairs and waited in silence as the staff brought out a platter of baby chargrilled octopus, chilly-infused calamari, and Thai green mussels.
I guessed the chef was on a seafood kick tonight.
Pim glanced at me.
I waved at the platter. “Help yourself.”
She frowned but took a small spoonful of each delicacy before adding a freshly baked roll and curled butter to her plate. The minute she’d finished, I chose my own entrée and took a bite. Of course, it was delicious. Without fail, my chef produced epic food.
I’d hoped we could get through the first course without talking, but Pim had other ideas.
She swallowed her mouthful, took a sip of chilled water, and said, “About my future.”
“What about it?” I buttered my roll, studiously ignoring her. The longer I was in her company, the more I craved the syrupy relaxation offered by the weed sitting in my pocket.
Some men smoked cigars after dinner. I smoked pot—when I needed to. I had every intention of doing so tonight. Mainly to protect her from me. And to stop me from falling down the slippery slope of my screw-ups.
“I deserve to have some say in what my future holds, don’t you think?”
My knife clattered onto the side plate. “Are you saying I’ve been taking away your decisions?”
Don’t say yes. Even though it was true.
She fiddled with her cutlery. “I’m saying I’m tired of having no control.” She looked over her shoulder, lowering her voice from the hired help. “Last night…a lot of things happened to me.”
“Shit.” I slammed my elbow on the table and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I told you I’m sorry for that. I can’t sleep and barely concentrate. But I’m trying to make it right by fucking freeing you.”
“You’re not making it right,” she seethed. “You’re making it right for you. Not me.”