If I feel dead, why not make death a reality?
I can only stop the pain inside by causing pain on the outside!
A great many people have fleeting thoughts of suicide or self-harm. What will save your life in these situations is to shift your perspective from yourself to those you love, from the pain of right now to the greater possibilities of the future.
When self-destructive and suicidal thoughts torment you, I recommend putting faith in action, whether it is a faith that you will have better days and a better life, or faith that those who love you, including your Creator, will help you through this storm. Jesus said the thief comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy, but He comes that we may have life—a more abundant life.
SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE
My attempted suicide around the age of ten ended when my perspective shifted from my own despair to the emotional pain taking my life would cause my family and other loved ones. That shift, from myself to those I cared most about, took me off the path of self-destruction and sent me on a walk of faith. Your actions impact others. Consider how your self-destructive actions might affect those who love you, those who look up to you, and those who rely on you.
Darren wrote to our website saying he’d lost his job and a relationship and he’d experienced a financial crisis in just one year. Thoughts of suicide battered him night and day. He’d fought the negative self-destructive thoughts by watching my videos and by thinking about his children.
“I could not bear the thought of my kids growing up without me,” he wrote. He realized that every life is marked by struggles, “but all you have to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and know that life is good and will go on.”
Now, maybe you feel that no one cares about you. All I can say is that the One who created you cares so much that He has brought you this far. Don’t you want to see where the rest of the path leads? You may not have a strong spiritual background. You may not consider yourself a Christian. But as long as you are living and breathing, there is a possibility of better days ahead. As long as that possibility exists, you can put your faith in it and go from there, one day at a time.
Do you fear I’m offering you false hope? Consider that I’m writing this, my second book, without benefit of arms or legs! And consider, too, that I’m writing this as someone who just eighteen years ago tried to take his own life. Yet, today, I am incredibly blessed as a twenty-nine-year-old man who travels the world to speak to millions of people, a man surrounded by love.
YOU ARE LOVED
God sees the beauty and value of all His children. His love is the reason we are here, and that is something you should never forget. You can escape the hurt, the loneliness, and the fear. You are loved. You were created for a purpose, and over time it will be revealed to you. Know that where you feel weak, God will give you strength. All you have to do is put faith into action by reaching out to those who love you, those who want to help you, and most of all to your Creator by asking Him to come into your life.
Reject self-destructive thoughts. Shut them off. Replace them with positive messages or prayer. Let go of the bitterness and anger and hurt, and let God’s love into your heart. The spiritual realm is very real. The Bible says that, when we pray, angels come down from heaven and war for us against the principalities of darkness. This is Satan’s army trying to deceive you and destroy you with lies and those little voices of negativity. No need to be afraid, for God hears your prayers, and no name is more powerful than that of Jesus.
Some people may let you down, and it may seem that some even want to cause you harm. God won’t. He has a plan for you. It’s called salvation, and take it from me, it’s worth sticking around to see what He has in store for you both in this world and in heaven everlasting.
One problem I’ve seen with many people who are dealing with self-destructive thoughts is that they don’t trust that our God is a loving God. Somewhere they’ve come up with a view of God as a vengeful enforcer poised to strike down anyone who doesn’t follow His commandments. If they’ve made mistakes or not lived a perfect life—whatever that is—they feel they will never be worthy of God’s love. That is not true! Our loving Father always stands ready to forgive you and to welcome you into His arms.
Jinny wrote to tell me she contemplated suicide because she did not feel God’s favor. She is not alone, especially among other South Koreans. Despite a thriving economy, her country’s suicide rate has doubled over the last decade, giving it the highest suicide rate among the industrialized countries.
Suicide is the leading cause of death among twenty- to forty-year-old South Koreans, and it is the fourth leading cause of death for all residents, behind cancer, stroke, and heart disease, according to news reports. Group suicides planned on the Internet are increasingly common. Recently it was reported that thirty-five South Koreans were taking their lives each day. Seventeen hundred committed suicide in one month (November 2008) as part of a wave of “sympathetic suicides” following that of a popular actress. That was followed by the highly publicized suicide of a former South Korean president who jumped off a cliff after leaving a note that he could not “fathom the countless agonies down the road.”
The stress of school and work is often cited as a factor in private conversations with South Koreans, but there are social taboos about admitting anything publicly. Seeking psychiatric counseling is also seen as an embarrassing admission to a flawed character.
I often speak in South Korea, China, Japan, and India about my experiences with suicidal urges because of the high rate of suicides in those countries. When I speak in those nations, individuals often tell me they feel alone and hopeless. They don’t seem to understand that God is forgiving and loving. Jinny wrote that she considered suicide many times “due to my severe life. I believe that God is faithful, good, and generous to others, but not to me.” Jinny added she has “always failed [to kill herself] whatever I’ve tried. I thought God didn’t care about me, and that He was strict, cold, and stern to me.”
The Bible says over and over that we are to fear God, which doesn’t mean that we should cower in terror or hide from His wrath. Instead, it is a call for us to show Him respect and obedience while acknowledging His greatness. The Bible also says “God is love.” We should never forget that He loves us so much He sent His Son down from heaven to die on the cross. So while we should respect God, we should always remember that He loves us too.
He is waiting for you to let Him heal you. He does not have to heal you physically; He just has to heal your heart. He will give you peace, love, and joy. He hears your prayers, so keep praying. And remember that He may not answer your prayers the way you want, or at the time you want, but His grace is always sufficient.
When things in your life do not make sense, keep on praying. Ask God what He wants you to do, and let Him heal you on the inside. He understands that you and I are not perfect. We are works in progress, but we should let Him work within us.
Your peace will come with God’s forgiveness and love. Has someone told you that you are unworthy of His love? My first suggestion is to get a second opinion! Ask your heavenly Father to reveal His kindness and love to you. Draw strength from my story if it helps, but know that if you are patient, you will emerge from your despair and find hope.
You may have difficulty understanding how He can love you. In the Bible, Job had the same problem amid all his trials and pain. He said, “If I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.”
But Job later realized God’s love for us is always there. After admitting that he could not see Him, Job said, “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”
No matter what you’ve done in the past. No matter what hurts you have endured. God will heal you with His love if you accept Him. Jinny finally came to understand this when she stopped viewing God as a fearsom
e figure. She thanked me for helping her do this after reading my first book, Life Without Limits. I am grateful to have been part of her healing, but I was surprised when she said one of the keys I provided was my ability to laugh at my circumstances and myself.
She could feel God’s humor in my stories. “I can come closer to God because He will make me laugh,” she wrote. “I’m back to peace now. Peace is in my mind even though nothing has been changed.”
Trust in God as Jinny did so that even if your hardships remain, your mind and heart will be at peace through that season. Again, take it one day at a time, and you will come through these challenges.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
When I was contemplating suicide as a boy, I made the mistake of keeping those dangerous thoughts to myself. I was in despair. I was angry with God. I felt that no one could possibly understand my pain. I kept my negative thoughts to myself because I was not thinking clearly, which is how tragedies like suicide occur.
Of course, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me, and when it came down to actually trying to take my own life, my love for them kept me from proceeding. The thought of hurting them and burdening them with guilt was too much for me to bear.
Once my parents learned of my self-destructive thoughts, they immediately stepped in, although they did not learn until five years ago that I had actually attempted to take my life. The night after I held my face underwater in the bathtub and then stopped, I told my brother, Aaron, that I would probably kill myself at the age of twenty-one because I didn’t want to burden my parents any longer. He immediately told my father, who wisely did not overreact. Instead, he told me that I was loved and that my mother and he would never consider me a burden.
Over time the veil of despair lifted. I still had periods of gloom and occasional meltdowns, but suicide never again surfaced as an option. Now I have Kanae, and the thought of losing even a second with her is beyond imagining. But, as in so many things, I am blessed to have so much love in my life. Many of those who have thoughts of suicide or harming themselves don’t have a support network of family and friends nearby or maybe at all.
If you are in that situation, please remember that you are not alone. None of us is. God, your Creator, is foremost among those who love you. I encourage you to pray to Him and to seek support. Talk to your spiritual guide, whether it’s a pastor, minister, priest, rabbi, or any person dedicated to helping others in need spiritually and emotionally. You should not try to handle despair or dangerous thoughts on your own. If you don’t have friends or family with whom you can share your burden, you can find help through your church, your doctor, a local hospital or school, or a mental health department.
There are also many resources for counseling and suicide prevention available online. Hal found me that way, and I’m very glad he did. Like me and many others in despair and contemplating suicide, Hal isolated himself. He later regretted that. “I didn’t tell anyone, which I now see as my biggest mistake,” he wrote in an e-mail. “Had I trusted someone else with the fact that I was suffering, I may have had the courage to seek help instead of slowly drifting closer and closer to a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
That’s an important point. Your pain and despair will not last. You only have to look at my life to see that circumstances can change dramatically for the better. If you feel you have experienced the worst life has to offer, don’t you want to stick around to enjoy the best? When I was a boy, I certainly never imagined the wonderful experiences and loving people awaiting me. God’s best awaits you too.
Fortunately, Hal had the presence of mind to fight his suicidal thoughts. He turned to the Internet, which can be either a good place to go or a bad place to go, depending on where you look. In this case he came across an e-mail from his mother who had sensed that Hal needed encouragement. (Way to go, Hal’s mum!) The e-mail he sent to me was simply titled “Wow!”
Hal wrote that when he watched my video that day, he broke down in tears. Then he asked himself a series of questions and came to a conclusion that may have saved his life and certainly changed it for the better.
“How could I have been so selfish? How could I have thought that committing suicide was the only answer? I have a loving family, clothes on my back, food and water in abundance; I’m enrolled at a university, getting an education some people only dream of. I have been in love, and I have seen amazing things … and I was about to let myself forget that. That’s what Nick did for me. He reminded me that life is a gift, a privilege, not a right.”
I love the last thing Hal said: “I have never been a very religious man, but I do believe in miracles. I am alive because of them.”
I get choked up whenever I tell this story, even now as I write of it, because Hal’s e-mail contained a link to one of my videos. Think about this: I was once in the same position as Hal. If I had gone through with my suicide attempt, I would never have made the video that helped deliver him from despair!
Now think of the good that Hal can do to help others in the same way. Just reading his story in this book will likely help many people. So his life now has more meaning than he had ever dreamed. The same is true of you! You can’t imagine what God has in store for you. If you ever have urges to commit suicide or hurt yourself, do what Hal and I have done. Put your faith in action and give your life to Him instead. I often draw strength from Psalm 91: “If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the LORD, who is my refuge—then no harm will befall you.”
A HELPING HAND
Hal reminded me once again that if you have not yet received the miracle you’ve been praying for, the best thing to do is become a miracle for someone else! If you have overcome your own self-destructive impulses, I encourage you to reach out to others who may be in need of someone to help them with their own similar challenges.
Maybe you have sensed that someone you know is in despair, perhaps a family member, friend, or coworker? One of the greatest things you could do is reach out so they know someone cares. The most common triggers for self-destructive thoughts are a broken relationship, financial problems, a serious illness, a personal failure such as the loss of a job or a flunked test, a traumatic experience like a debilitating accident or military combat, and the loss of a loved one or even a pet.
In the Bible, Paul said that he believes our sufferings are not comparable to the goodness or glory that will be revealed through them. My own trials with my disabilities are worth it just to hear another person say, “If Nick can do it, so can I.” We can be gifts and even miracles for one another, living proof that there is always hope.
While you never know what is going on in another person’s heart, there are warning signs to watch for if you sense someone could be on the verge of self-harm. If you notice the following behaviors, I urge you to be there whenever possible for your friend in need.
According to experts, the behaviors that can be indicators of deep despair or depression that might lead to self-harm or suicidal thoughts include
• unusual changes in eating and sleeping habits
• withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
• violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
• excessive drug and/or alcohol abuse
• unusual neglect of personal appearance
• marked personality change
• persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in school performance
• frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, and fatigue.
• loss of interest in favorite activities
• intolerance of praise or rewards
• giving or throwing away favorite possessions or belongings
• becoming suddenly cheerful after an episode of depression
There may be other indicators, and these are not absolute proof, but if someone you know has gone through a traumatic experience, be particularly alert if she or he repe
atedly makes negative comments such as, “Life stinks,” “The world hates me,” “I’m a loser,” or “I can’t take this anymore.”
TRUE FRIENDS
Often, individuals in distress don’t want to talk about their issues. Don’t push it, but keep the communication open without offering advice or judgment. Just being there for them, hanging out with them, and letting them know you care can make a difference. You don’t have to solve their problems. In fact, you probably aren’t qualified to solve their problems unless you are a mental health professional.
Kate sent an e-mail to thank me for reaching out to her best friend at a speaking engagement. But what impressed me was the way Kate stood by her friend, always being there for her even when it wasn’t easy. She said her longtime friend “started to go off the tracks” when they entered their high school years. The friend was diagnosed with depression, and she was harming herself. She’d also lost her faith.
“The hardest part was that I didn’t understand any of it,” Kate wrote.
Often the friends and family of people in distress cannot understand why they are hurting so badly. The why may not be accessible because the individual who is self-harming may not consciously know why either. Or the trauma may simply be too great to share. I’m particularly impressed that although Kate didn’t understand her friend’s actions and emotions, she remained loyal to her even when her friend pushed her away.
“Through this whole time I was trying my hardest to try to help her through her depression. But since I’m a really happy person who lives life to the fullest, she didn’t want to hang around me anymore, but I didn’t stop trying,” Kate wrote. “That year she tried to commit suicide twice, and it pained me so much that she thought that there was no reason for her to be on earth.”