Understand that there are many single people with fulfilling and joyous lives. I know unmarried people whose lives are complete with the love of God. I had a strong desire to be married and one day to have a family, but over time I put it in God’s hands. I left it to His will to decide whether I would remain single or not.
Okay, I admit that I did pray to God to make Kanae love me, but she was praying that I loved her too. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. It’s better to ask the Lord to help you find the one whom He wants you to be with. Pray: Lord, take my feelings for this person away if it is not Your will or If this is the person You want for me, please let us love each other according to Your plan.
NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE
You may have tried and lost before. Maybe you’ve had relationships that did not work out. Consider them preparatory courses for the real thing. I’ve had failed relationships. I’ve put my heart out there only to discover that the other person was more interested in a friendship than romance—or worse, neither one! As painful as those breakups and rejections were, I refused to give up on love and loving. It’s just too important. Without love we are nothing.
The Bible makes this very clear in 1 Corinthians 13: “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”
For many years I prayed and prayed and prayed for a woman who would truly love me. Did I ever feel discouraged? Yes! Did I sometimes think of giving up and joining the French Foreign Legion? (Well, I do like the uniforms, but the whole marching and shooting thing might present challenges.)
The important point here is that I did not give up, and I encourage you to never give up on love either. Put your faith in action. Pray for God’s guidance, focus on being the best person you can be, and open your heart to the possibilities and opportunities that will come to you.
I would not wish loneliness, rejection, or a broken heart on anyone. I hope your path to love and marriage is smoother than mine, yet I have come to understand that the trials I endured prepared me to fully appreciate the joy I’ve found. God didn’t want me to discover my true love until I was mature enough to appreciate and nurture it.
Scripture tells us that of the three spiritual gifts—faith, hope, and love—“the greatest of these is love.” This greatest gift is one that we can fully experience with another person when we are physically, emotionally, and spiritually mature. Like most young men, I thought I was prepared for love as a teenager, but I see now that there were experiences God wanted me to have. He sent me across the world several times to speak to millions of people and to see incredible beauty and splendor as well as crippling poverty.
God even allowed me to have relationships that went wrong so that I would fully appreciate the one that would be exactly right. He allowed my heart to be broken so that I would truly appreciate the completeness of love. The end of one particular relationship was painful beyond words, and the breakup confirmed every fear I’d had about rejection. Not to sound too pathetic, but I was a bit of a lost puppy after that experience. I spent several years struggling to rebuild my self-confidence and to build another relationship. I made some good friends with some wonderful women, but I was often lonely and yearned for a deeper, lasting partnership.
You may right now be feeling unloved and lonely, but consider that maybe, just maybe, this time of trial is your preparation for many years of blessings. I know to some that may sound highly optimistic or hopelessly naive, and there were times in my life when I probably felt the same way. But now my once-empty cup has been filled to a level that I never knew existed, thanks to faith in action.
THE EYES OF LOVE
Kanae and her older sister, Yoshie, came to my speech at the Bell Tower at Adriatica with my friend Tammy, who is also a speaker and author, and her husband, Mark. The sisters were then working sporadically as nannies for the couple, but since they were more like family, Tammy had invited them to meet me. Kanae and Yoshie have exotic looks because their mother is Mexican and their father, who sadly passed away, was Japanese. They are both striking, but while speaking that day I had a clear view of Kanae, and I could not take my eyes off her. I could hardly concentrate on what I was saying.
After my speech, I stuck around to talk with members of the audience. Kanae and Yoshie came with Tammy to say hello, and I was very happy to meet them. In fact, when they tried to walk away to make room for other people wanting to speak with me, I told them to stay close so we could get to know one another.
Whenever I had a break, I’d try to get in a few words with them. The more I chatted with Kanae, the more I wanted to whisk her away and find out all there was to know about this enchanting girl who seemed so self-assured and kindhearted.
Finally, as they were preparing to leave, I made a bold move.
“Let me give you my e-mail address so we can stay in touch,” I said to Kanae.
“Oh, that’s okay, I’ll get it from Tammy,” she replied.
I really wanted to establish a line of communication with her so that I didn’t miss the opportunity to get to know her better. Part of me wanted to beg and plead: I want to give you my e-mail myself so I’ll be sure you have it!
That’s what I wanted to say, but my father had instilled in me that real men do not beg. I took Dad’s advice and played it as cool as I could, given my instant infatuation with this enthralling young woman.
“Okay, that’s fine. Let’s stay in touch,” said Mr. Cool.
Kanae and Yoshie then left with Tammy and Mark.
My friends and I were just a few miles down the road when Tammy sent me a text message: “What did you think?”
“She is one of the most beautiful women of God I’ve ever met, inside and out,” I texted back. “She literally took my breath away!”
So much for playing it cool.
This all happened on a Sunday. I flew home to California on Monday, hoping I would hear from Kanae the next day, if not sooner. Maybe I did check my e-mail as soon as the plane landed, and perhaps I kept checking it every ten minutes all day long to see if she’d sent me a message. (Have you seen her? Can you blame me?)
TWITTERPATED
Isn’t it crazy how our hearts rule our minds and our actions in these situations? You can be fourteen years old or sixty-four years old—your age doesn’t matter. When sparks fly, the reaction is always the same: you can’t focus on anything other than trying to figure out how to be with the person who lit your fuse.
This love-struck state of mind is captured in the classic Disney movie Bambi when a wise old owl explains to Bambi and his woodland friends that with the arrival of each spring, young males and females of all species can become “twitterpated.”
“Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime,” the owl said. “You’re walking along, minding your own business.… All of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face.… You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head’s in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you’re walking on air. And then you know what? You’re knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head.… And that ain’t all. It can happen to anyone.”
I was definitely twitterpated by Kanae. I could not stop thinking about her. The fact that she had not e-mailed me right away was driving me as mad as a cut snake. Was I wrong? She looked at me like she was feeling the same way. I can’t be wrong. There was something going on between us. Wasn’t there?
Days passed. Then weeks. No e-mails from Kanae. Neither a peep nor a tweet.
She seemed to have moved on and forgotten me. I could not think of anything else. I’ve had crushes on women before, but this was beyond that. Her beauty was undeniable, but she seemed to have so much character, suc
h warmth and faith, and then there was her fearless energy. For Yoshie’s twenty-sixth birthday, she and Kanae went skydiving? Skydiving!
I couldn’t believe that God would place this dynamic woman in my life, strike up such powerful sparks, and then have her disappear. So I asked Him: Why would You put her in front of me if You didn’t want us to be together? Why would you let me be so distracted from my work for You if there wasn’t something important going on between her and me?
Then, after another week with no word from Kanae, I had a stern talk with myself: Nick, you did it again. You made up your mind that this girl felt the same for you as you did for her, but you were just dreaming. When will you ever learn?
I was bummed out that Kanae hadn’t contacted me and disappointed in myself for being such a silly mug. I’d turned into a lovesick twelve-year-old just because a pretty, unsuspecting girl had been nice to me.
Nearly three months went by. I thought of Kanae often, but her lack of communication convinced me that nothing romantic was going to happen with her. My male pride had taken another hit. I had to let it go.
COMPETITION OF THE HEART
In July I had another speaking engagement in Dallas. As usual I would be staying with Tammy and Mark, who lived nearby, and I can’t deny that I hoped Kanae would be babysitting then. But I also cautioned myself not to get my hopes up. She hadn’t e-mailed me, after all. Obviously, she had not felt the same sparks for me that I’d felt for her. I had to back off and stay in control of my feelings. Guard your heart! Stay cool, mate!
Our plane had barely touched down before I found myself texting Tammy. “Is everyone there?” I asked, trying not to be obvious.
“Yoshie and I are here cooking lasagna for you,” Tammy texted back.
“Great!” wrote Mr. Cool. “How about Kanae?”
I swear, those words typed themselves on my smartphone, which is sometimes too smart for my own good. Okay, so I’m weak when it comes to matters of the heart. I couldn’t help myself. But the answer was even worse than I’d feared.
“Kanae is here, but she’s out riding bikes with her boyfriend,” Tammy said.
I seriously thought Tammy was joking, so I brushed off that comment.
We arrived at Tammy’s house, and sure enough Yoshie and she were in the kitchen, working on the lasagna. I took a seat and we chatted for a few minutes before ol’ Lovesick Nick kicked in again.
“So, really, where is Kanae?” I asked meekly.
Tammy put down her bowl of freshly made pasta. Both she and Yoshie gave me puzzled looks.
“She really is riding bikes with her boyfriend, Nick,” Tammy said.
Blast it, she’s not joking!
Then something dawned on me. Tammy was confused that I was asking about Kanae because she thought I was interested in Yoshie! I had never mentioned which sister had caught my eye, and since both sisters are beautiful but only one was not in a relationship, she’d assumed I’d been attracted to Yoshie, who was closer to my age. That’s why Tammy hadn’t told me earlier about Kanae’s boyfriend!
I’ve heard people talk about having a sinking feeling, but I never knew what they meant until that moment. I felt like the bottom had dropped out of the entire world and I was plunging deep into an abyss.
God, please help me handle this with grace, I prayed.
LOVE NICK-ED
It’s scary how often our lives suddenly turn into television sitcoms, isn’t it? My parents probably could have written a hit series, I Love Nicky, for all the crazy episodes I’ve acted out over the years. This was a classic!
I wasn’t laughing at the time, of course. There is a line in The Butterfly Circus, the award-winning short film in which I appeared: “The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph.” This seems to be true in many aspects of life and even sometimes in relationships.
If love comes easily for you, be grateful and give thanks. If you have to struggle to find your soul mate, as I certainly did, know that in my case the eventual triumph was indeed glorious. Believe in that, and I will pray that it comes true for you as it did for me. I have so much gratitude and appreciation for the way my life has turned out. I can’t even say anymore that my ridiculously good life has come about despite my disabilities and the hardships I’ve faced. Now, I must say that my grand life is because of my disabilities and hardships.
Does that make sense to you? Here’s what I mean: the victories in my life have a richness and depth of meaning for me that I can’t imagine would exist if I had been born with arms and legs. I honestly appreciate my life more because I’ve had to struggle to do many things that most people simply take for granted.
Have there been times when I prayed for arms and legs and fewer obstacles in my path? Certainly. I still pray for those blessings from time to time. I’m not any different than most. I’d much rather take the easy road than the rough one. Yet I also thank God every day for all the good that has come of the disabilities and challenges He’s given me.
I encourage you to see your own challenges in relationships and other aspects of your life as potential blessings that one day will come to you, even though their value may not yet be apparent. Sitting there on Tammy’s couch, I certainly did not see the value in the fact that the young woman I’d been obsessing over was not available. When I learned that Kanae had a boyfriend, I thought my heart might burst inside my chest.
She looked at me with such warmth and interest, how could she have a boyfriend? Was I kidding myself? Am I deranged?
Just then, Kanae entered with her boyfriend, who dashed up the stairs as soon as he came in the door and did not see me.
Tammy did. Watching from the kitchen, she noted my look of disappointment, and her face went white. She realized where my heart had been directed when I struggled to smile at Kanae’s enthusiastic hug. Actually, I’ve never been so cold and mean to a girl in my life. Playing it cool was no longer in the game plan.
“So, you have a boyfriend?” I said. “How long have you been going out together?”
“About a year,” said Kanae.
The abyss suddenly seemed deeper.
I was so mad at myself for misreading this girl who obviously had no interest in me beyond friendship. I wanted to go off somewhere and use my forehead to pound nails, but there was steaming homemade lasagna on the table. Dinner was being served. Kanae’s boyfriend joined us, introducing himself. He was friendly and seemed like a nice enough bloke, but I wasn’t much in the mood to buddy up. God forgive me, this guy hadn’t done a thing to me other than have a girlfriend whom I’d fallen for like a sad sack of bricks.
I managed to get through the meal without biting off the head of the poor unsuspecting boyfriend. My caregiver and I were staying at Tammy’s house and so were Kanae and Yoshie, so this was looking like a long night.
I wonder if there’s a Red Roof Inn nearby? I thought.
But that would have been bad manners and hard to explain. I had to buck up and make the best of a bad situation. I joined Tammy and her kids in the recreation room, burrowing into a comfy spot on the couch. Kanae joined us after her boyfriend left. When Tammy and the kids went off to bed, I was left alone with my crush, and I briefly thought about pouring out my heart to her. I decided instead to maintain some dignity and let it go.
Maybe I sighed a couple of times. I might even have whimpered once or twice. Despite great temptation I did not cry like a banshee. I was so busy wallowing in self-pity that I did not see Kanae leave her chair. Suddenly, she plopped down on the couch next to me and stared intently into my eyes.
You are so beautiful, and you have no idea how I feel about you, I thought.
“Nick, can I talk to you about something?” she asked.
My Ice Man act melted. I could not resist this woman. I could barely breathe around her. Using every ounce of what little self-control I still had, I responded as matter-of-factly as a quivering, lovesick mass of a man possibly could. I was thankful my nearby caregiver was listening to some music
with his eyes shut.
“Sure, what’s up?”
The woman of my dreams proceeded to pour out her heart to me—about her boyfriend. The relationship wasn’t what she’d hoped it would be. Kanae had doubts and concerns about where it was headed. Her family did not approve of him, and she had been pondering a breakup for several months, even before we met. She liked him, but he was not the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, she explained.
I put on my best “listening intently” expression. My concerned and caring face. My wise and empathetic look.
As much as I wanted to be the crowbar that pried Kanae apart from her boyfriend, I knew she was seeking my guidance and putting her trust in me. Like a judge who has a conflict of interest, I had to remove myself from this case and defer to the most Supreme Court.
“I understand your concerns. They are valid. You should pray and ask God to help you make a decision,” I said.
If she had simply thanked me for my advice, left me on the couch, and walked away, our story may well have ended there. Instead, she lingered, so close, with those big, warm, dark eyes.
I heard the words and at first couldn’t believe they were coming from my mouth: “I have a question for you. Would you tell me what comes to your mind when I say two words: Bell Tower?”
“Our eyes,” she replied without hesitation.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Our eyes,” she said again. “I felt something when we looked at each other, and I freaked out because I’ve never felt that with anyone before.”