“Yeah, I think I know how to reverse the effects of Evan’s warding, if you really want that.” She folds her arms across her chest, and her long, dark hair spills down her chest, almost concealing the cleavage. Part of me flinches at the way she is dressed. Another part wants to assume it’s just a way of trying to fit in.
“Why wouldn’t I want it?” I ask, shutting the sliding glass door. “Isn’t that why I came?”
She nods. “Granted, but your last mission was just a little more complicated than normal, and there are things that you are going to find out that aren’t going to make dealing with those memories particularly easy. I just want you to keep that in mind.” Her voice holds quite a cautionary tone, and I wonder if she’s having second thoughts about all this. I mean, all of us know Evan is powerful, but he is also just, and perhaps she doesn’t really want to interfere, after all.
“Are you having second thoughts about this?” I ask, stepping nearer so I can check her chaos level. I feel a slight swirling of it, but nothing out of the ordinary.
“No, I just don’t want you to get in the middle of this and suddenly not be able to handle it so Evan has to re-set the wall. Let’s be clear. I can take it down, but I’ve never set one up before, and the last thing I want to do is have to call him for help in fixing something he’ll tell me I should never have tampered with in the first place.”
I take a deep breath and lean my head from side to side to ease the tense muscles. “Really, I think I can handle this, okay? It’s not a big deal.”
All the angels continue to stare, only adding to the extreme discomfort I feel, and somehow, I don’t know why, I get the impression they all know something I don’t, which only makes things worse.
“All right.” She waves to the sectional. “Perhaps you’d best lie down.”
Although Jayzee and Sarah currently occupy the sectional, the moment Theresa gestures in that direction, they both get up without being asked and walk into the kitchen. Theresa sets her hand on my shoulder and leads me into the living room. “Lie down.”
I nod and lie atop the soft, suede-like covering. As far as sectionals go, it’s pretty comfortable, but it does nothing for the chaos building inside of me. I keep telling myself the worry inside isn’t about the angels who are currently surrounding me or that, if I actually let Theresa do this, I probably won’t be able to defend myself for a while. Then again, these are other angels, and they would protect me, so why should these concerns even cross my mind?
But they do. Could they be reflections of memories I don’t realize?
“Shut your eyes and relax. I can’t do this against your will. You’ve got to get that chaos under control.”
Some part of me wants to rebel against her calm, and I’m not sure why that is, but I force myself to try not to think or feel. This is the only way you’re going to get your memory back, I tell myself. This is the last chance you’ve got because Evan sure isn’t going to help.
“Now, I’m going to lay my hands on your forehead. Once you are calm enough, I should be able to wade through the remaining chaos and destroy the wall he has built, okay?”
I nod almost imperceptibly and keep thinking about being calm and how that was probably much easier before all this stuff happened. The chaos picks up slightly when Theresa sets a hand on either side of my forehead, and I force myself not to react.
It seems to take forever before I feel the heat building between her hands and my skin. The chaos wants to rise and peak again, but I won’t let it. I think of the sky on a cloudless day and what it’s like to float in the sun-drenched emptiness, and with that warmth, it’s almost like I’m there instead of lying on this couch at midnight’s door, waiting for my memories to be returned.
At first I wonder if she’s even going to be able to reverse the warding that Evan has established. Then I feel the doubts creep in, which starts to roil the chaos again. That’s when my mind suddenly explodes with images of my past. I gasp from the sudden jolt of memories and stiffen as the colors and smells and sounds of the past all assemble themselves into my brain, and when it’s done, suddenly I know what I have lost.
The chaos hums and surges like a tidal wave, and the rolling violence batters me even as I try to remain afloat. Yet I feel another wave of it coming and can’t fight it.
Blackness.
* * *
“Lev? Can you hear me?”
I open my eyes to find Bob and Theresa leaning over me where I lay on the sectional. The light above them casts a halo around their heads, and in a lighter moment, I would have made a comment about it. But right now I’m thinking about Elizabeth and the darkness she swims in, darkness she can’t break free of, darkness I can’t help her navigate through.
I slowly sit up, which forces them to back up slightly and give me room to move. My being throbs with a pain I can’t precisely locate, and my head swims with all the things I remember. Even I know it has nothing to do with a bullet hole. Yes, there is a scar there, but that is only because I refuse to let it go. Still, something feels different about me. I just don’t know what. This body just feels…wrong.
“Are you all right? The chaos—”
“Is normal for me,” I manage. “Where is the bathroom?”
Theresa points down the hallway opposite the kitchen. “First door on your left.”
“Thanks.” I feel her gaze lingering on me even as I pass her. The other angels are also staring, especially Sarah, as she clusters with Jayzee. She still wears that smirk.
At any rate, I try to ignore her and keep my steps steady so I don’t lose my balance. The world spins roughly, and it takes everything I have to finally make it to the bathroom and shut the door so I can have a few moments without the other angels lording over me. I was right not to have a great feeling about being near them. Evan has had a go round with most, of them so it’s no wonder Theresa was more than happy to defy Evan’s construct. She knows that typically Evan and I are very close. This was a way to get back at Evan, and I willingly requested it.
I lean against the door, trying to catch my breath before I walk to the vanity and look at my reflection. While I’m expecting a lot of things, I definitely didn’t imagine Evan changing my human form.
At that moment, the last few seconds of my life with Elizabeth jump into my head as I remember lunging in front of her to absorb the bullet which would have stolen her life. Clenching my teeth, I have to admit that even on that score, Evan had no choice but to give me a different body. My “death” had been witnessed by at least three people. Nothing good was going to come of that.
I stare at this form, at the blonde hair very similar to that which I’d had. The eyes are brown, not blue, but everything seems familiar enough. Even if Elizabeth were to find me, some part of her would recognize me. Yes, this body is a few years older, but that wouldn’t matter.
Bending, I splash my face with water, trying to figure out what I’m going to do. All I can think about is getting back to Elizabeth, and I know Evan is right. That is impossible. Jimmie thinks I’m dead. And since I stopped the man who would have taken Elizabeth’s life, she deserves to have a chance at something good and normal. It’s not that I’m not good. I am. But I am anything but normal.
I can’t stand this separation, I think, leaning against the mirror. Part of me wants to go mad and smash the glass into shards, but I know that won’t help. Nothing will help. The past is the past, and I can’t change it.
I keep seeing the pain in her eyes, the desperation, and I know my leaving has cut her deeply. The chaos within her is dangerous, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. She is alive, and that is the only thing I have the right to hope for because I am supposed to be a sojourner, yet what I carry isn’t souls. I can’t bear that weight anymore.
The pain and chaos rip through me, and even before I realize it, I am crying, sobs tearing through me like the bullet that once ripped through my flesh, and even though I want to put the pain back into a nice, controlled b
ox, I can’t. This is what Evan was trying to spare me, and now I have to live with it. But how?
I sink to the floor, unable to bear the weight of this chaos and pain. Even through the grief, I hear someone calling my name and knocking at the door, but I don’t respond. The memories won’t let me.
In a flash, Theresa kneels before me and puts her hands on my face. “You must control this, Lev. You can’t let it control you, no matter how hard it is.” She keeps trying to make me look up, but I refuse. The last thing I want is to see myself through her eyes.
Elizabeth, how can I accept that I will never see you again?
“Lev! You need to snap out of this.” Theresa’s voice is harder, edgier, and I feel her grip tighten. “Get a grip, or I will do my best to erase the memories for good!”
“No!” I jerk away from her, glaring. The thought of never seeing Elizabeth again is agony. The thought of never being able to remember her is something I can’t fathom or accept. I wipe the back of my hand across my face and try to rein in the emotions violently rushing through me. I feel her watching me via the mirror, gauging how well I’m putting my emotions in order.
I grit my teeth, wanting to confront her because I can’t take it anymore, yet I have no right. The anger is misplaced. I asked for this. She simply complied. The guilt is mine.
“Do you want to stay here tonight?” Her voice is calm and quiet.
My first response is to tell her I will be returning to the Upper Realm, but I know that won’t be possible, not until I figure out how to mask what I know, and right now I can barely control myself. Evan would instantly recognize what had happened, and I’m not ready to deal with the repercussions of that one.
I finally nod. “Yes, I’d appreciate that, if you don’t mind.”
“Well, you are familiar with the sectional. And maybe tomorrow you’ll be ready to deal with the emotions.”
Don’t hold your breath, I think, but there’s really no point in voicing that.
As I start to leave, she grasps my shoulder and looks me in the eye. I feel the calm she is trying to saturate me with, and I don’t fight it. I’m too exhausted to fight it. “I know that whatever memories have been returned to you are difficult to bear. If not, Evan never would have gone through the trouble of erasing them, but they can be managed. It’s not unlike shielding with sojourning.”
A bitter laugh escapes me. “Yeah, well, I’m not doing so hot at that, either, Theresa. Let’s just say as a sojourner, I’m pretty much useless.” I rake my fingers through my hair and take one last glimpse at the stranger in the mirror, trying to orient myself to this new identity that seems so far removed from who I am.
“It takes time, Lev. Whatever you went through left a mark.” She shakes her head. “Granted, I haven’t been through anything comparable, but I know emotional wounds are sometimes trickier than physical ones.” Her fingers gently squeeze my shoulder. “I am sorry if giving you back the memories has caused undue pain.”
You have no idea how tricky. I stiffen, hating how this discussion feels. “You didn’t do anything, Theresa. If there is blame to be had, it belongs to me, not you.”
“Still,” she goes on, holding on just a bit longer. “If you need someone to talk to about any of this, you do know where to find me. Perhaps Evan doesn’t understand what you’ve lost, and perhaps I can’t do anything to help, but I can listen, and perhaps, in time, that will help you.”
“Perhaps,” I reply and slip away, wanting to fall into a blackness where nothing exists—not this pain, not this sadness, nothing.
Chapter Eleven
The night passes in a blurry montage of moments with Elizabeth, and I wake numerous times, my gasping breath stuttering against the silence that surrounds me, and I realize there is no darkness thick enough to take away any of this. I am stuck with it, and I don’t know how to function.
I slip away as dawn starts to trickle pink and blue into the sky, and even as I lift myself toward the Upper Realm, I can’t get rid of the knowledge I have asked for because it claims me and burns. While I want to go by and see Elizabeth, I dare not during waking hours. It is one thing to be so near to her when she sleeps and her eyes do not reveal that she lives in a world without me. But awake there is no question I am absent from her life, and I will continue to be absent because that is what is required.
Although I wonder if Celia or Evan would be lingering where I’ve been resting, waiting for me to get back, no one stands there, which is really a good thing, considering all the chaos swirling within me I haven’t yet found a way to dispel.
I look at this starkness around me and try to figure out what I’m going to do. It’s not like I can keep sojourning when I can’t carry souls. Perhaps I will have to be reassigned. Of course, that thought brings me no comfort because it will mean Elizabeth will be farther away, and I can’t bear that. In all the years of going through carrying her soul, I never thought it would finally end, and that I would at last be free of her. Now that I am, I can’t stand the weight of that freedom. It smothers me.
I try to block the memories, but they permeate my thoughts, and it’s difficult to clear them away. So few memories really, but it’s not the number that destroy; it’s the content and emotion. It’s seeing her perfect smile when she was with me in contrast to the haunted expression she now wears. Loving me has broken her, and I want to fix it, to make things better for her, but I don’t know how.
“When did you finally get back?”
I look up to find Celia standing nearby. She stares intently at me.
“Just a little while ago,” I respond, trying to keep my tone even despite the onslaught of memories.
“Where were you?”
I glance up her sharply, and my first inclination is to tell her she doesn’t need to know because she isn’t my keeper. Nevertheless, I know where that will get me, so I say, “Out.”
Her eyes try to engage mine, but I keep looking away, trying to keep her from probing the chaos that overflows from within. It’s too much, I know, and she’s going to pick up on it. It’s just a matter of time.
“Lev, I sense the disturbance within you, and granted, you’ve had some difficult moments, but what I’m picking up is worse.” She reaches out and lightly takes my arm. “I’m worried about you.”
That makes two of us, I think, yet I say nothing, trying for as long as I can to maintain the peace.
“You need to let me in. I can help you.”
Okay, that pretty much cinches it. I jerk my arm away. “You can help me? Just like Evan did when he stole my memories?”
She inhales sharply, and I can tell she wasn’t prepared for that. “He was only trying to help in whatever way he could.”
“That explains his role in this. What about yours?” I glare at her and turn to face her head on. “What is your excuse, Celia, for backing him when he took the one thing that should have been mine.”
Her eyes close, and I can sense the chaos rising within her as well. Is it what I am accusing her of or what she senses in me that is causing her distress? Has she figured out my memory is back?
“You don’t understand,” she says softly.
“Then tell me,” I demand, gripping both of her elbows. “Let me in on the secret you two share; I’m tired of the quiet game where I get left out in the cold.”
She flinches, and in that instant, I wonder if I should have stayed with Theresa longer. I can’t control this rage, and only part of it has anything to do with Celia’s guilt. Most of it is about all the things I can’t control that hurt so badly I don’t know what to do to ease the pain.
“Before he blocked the memories, you were out of your head and threatening to cause all kinds of scenes to get what you wanted. It was so unlike you we had no other way to deal with the behavior.” She swallows hard and stares at the ground, but I think she’s living with a memory right in front of her eyes, specifically me, losing control. I think about that time, finally able to pull it into my mental focus.
I was throwing things, screaming, trying to fling myself toward the Lower Realm even though I was so wounded I never would have been able to carry myself in flight. I don’t have a clue what would have happened. It’s all a blur, but she is right. I was completely out of control, and there wasn’t anything else he could have done.
The past was beyond us, and the present was rapidly spiraling outside Evan’s control. Only the future had any promise, and he must have thought that, given time, I’d adjust to what I could no longer have. But no amount of time can blunt this pain.
I ease my hold and release her and try to regain control of my emotions. The chaos is blinding me inside, and I want to find a place that is silent, where I don’t feel anything. I want to be numb again, but there is no suppressing this.
She looks up at me, tears brimming in her eyes. “I know you blame Evan for his choice. He knew you would, but what else could he have done? Some things are too painful to accept, Lev. As angels, we learn to shield ourselves, but that doesn’t mean things don’t get inside.”
I solemnly nod. “You’re right. Things do get inside. Things like Elizabeth.”
She stares at me, her hands finding each other. They need something to hold onto as she finally realizes my memory has returned despite Evan’s best intention to keep me in the dark.
“Lev, what have you done?” Her voice comes out scarcely above a whisper.
“Gotten the truth.” My tone is much harsher than I meant for it to be, and she staggers backward slightly, unable to look away.
“No, you’ve destroyed everything he has worked so hard to build to protect both you and Elizabeth!” The whisper is gone, replaced by an angry shout. “You had no right, Lev. You should have gone to him.”
I walk away from her, knowing that while she is right in that no one else should have had the opportunity to remove the warding, it didn’t matter because Evan had no intention of removing it himself. “I did go to him, Celia. Several times, for all the good it did me. The answer was always no. It didn’t matter what I said or tried, he refused to listen because he knew best. Yet I deserved my memories, especially those of Elizabeth.” I tug my hand through my hair. “Why am I explaining this to you? You’ve never loved a mortal, Celia; you don’t know what this is like.”