Something tightens inside me and for a moment I feel like it’s going to break—that I’m going to break. What I wouldn’t give to be able touch her and hold her the way Griffin does, and while I know he cares about Elizabeth, it’s even a fraction of what I feel for her. No one will ever love her the way I do, but no one will ever be as isolated from her as I have become.
“You’re starting to freak Jimmie out,” Griffin whispers. “He knows you aren’t eating much, and your nightmares scare him.” He brushes his hand up and down her arm.
“I’m just not hungry,” Elizabeth whispers and licks her lips.
Griffin nods. “Be that as it may, you do need to eat, Lizzie. You making yourself sick isn’t going to bring him back.”
Elizabeth shrugs. “It doesn’t seem anything will.”
Frowning, Griffin tries to look at Elizabeth’s face, but she ducks her chin, concealing it. “You’re making it sound like he had a choice whether or not to leave, which isn’t right. He died, and that’s all there is to it.”
It feels as though someone has punched this corporeal form in the solar plexus and left me hunched over, barely breathing.
“I know,” she whispers, tears filling her eyes. “It just happened so quickly, and I thought I’d have time to tell him so many things. Now I’m stuck with all of them, and it feels like part of me is rotting inside with all the words I can’t get out. That I’ll never be able to get out.”
Griffin’s frown deepens, and he draws her more tightly against him, tucking her head under his chin. “Lizzie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think it’s time maybe you started focusing on other things, things beyond Lev.”
At those words, Elizabeth straightens and pulls away to glare at him. “Oh, so this is about how long I mourn my boyfriend? Is this about not getting over him as quickly as I should?”
Griffin’s shoulders sag. “No, it’s about the fact that I see you swimming in the same pond every day, and it’s getting to where you’re barely treading water. I can see you right there, nearly going under, but you won’t ask for help. You won’t reach out your hand in hopes someone will take it and pull you to safety. So Jimmie and I bang our heads against the walls and keep trying because something is better than nothing right now. We’re both able to handle lots of things, but losing you isn’t one of them. Ever.”
You won’t lose her, not if I have anything to say about it, I think, trying not to drown in the chaos I feel washing over me from these two. It’s not enough to have my own; I have theirs as well, and it’s hard for this body to breathe beneath that kind of swirling emotional mess.
This isn’t the Elizabeth I know. This girl just keeps staring ahead, even though it’s been weeks since I was “killed.” She’s not bouncing back, and I can’t help her.
Elizabeth shakes her head. “I just wish I could go back in time. This is too hard.”
That comment takes me by surprise because although I know she’s suffering, I guess I never expected her to wish the past had never happened. I don’t blame her. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be trying to erase it from her memory. Although I know I can’t touch her, I reach out, anyway. Griffin beats me to it as he wraps his arm around her again and draws her head against his chest.
For the first moment ever, I feel I don’t belong in Elizabeth’s life. Granted, the wounds from the past might eventually heal on their own, but that’s really a big “if” and not a chance I am willing to take, not if Kane can find another way to help me deal with it for her. I owe her that much, considering all the marks I’ve left in her life.
I slowly back away and fly back to Theresa’s, figuring by now Kane should have arrived and Theresa would have filled him in on my request. As I arc through the air, I stare into a sky freighted with stars, amazed by the simple beauty most humans seem to miss in the everyday chaos of their lives.
Landing in the back yard, I peer at the sliding glass door to see several of the angels have returned and gather under the harsh fluorescent lighting. Kane and Theresa talk while Sarah and Jayzee watch them, Sarah wearing a displeased frown and Jayzee a neutral expression. I try to sense the chaos from within, and while there is some, it’s so much calmer than what I’ve expected, and that means one of two things—what I’m asking from Kane is impossible and out of the question or that erasing Elizabeth’s memory really isn’t as difficult a task as what I’d first believed. The only way I’m going to find out which of the two is correct is to go inside and talk to Kane.
I trudge toward the sliding door, and in that instant, I wonder how Celia feels about Kane and Colin. Since I have no real memories of them, I have no way to judge how she perceives them, but something tells me they would be no better than Theresa in her book. Does this mean my choices could come back in some dark way?
That thought gives me a moment’s pause in which my hand just sits on the door handle. I have no way of knowing what will happen, and since both Celia and Evan have hidden things from me “for my own good,” I can’t totally accept what they believe as the truth, no matter how close I may be to them. No matter which direction I walk, I am blind.
Resolved, I pull the door to the side and step in, aware that as I enter, all the other angels turn to face me. Whatever conversation Kane and Theresa were in the middle of suddenly dies.
Sarah narrows her eyes at me. “Well, well, if it isn’t our wonderful friend Lev. So good to see you.” She gives me a baleful look and slips down the hall toward her bedroom. I grit my teeth, waiting for Jayzee to get her dig in as well, but she just looks at me and heads down the hall to Sarah’s room.
I step toward Theresa and Kane, knowing that if I’m going to turn back, this is the moment to do it. This is my last chance to back away and accept things as they are. Still, I know I can’t do that, so I look Kane in the eye.
“I’m guessing Theresa has spoken with you about my request.”
He nods. “I’m guessing she has.” His tone and expression are neutral, giving nothing away.
I stand there, waiting for some kind of response, but he is like a statue, staring straight ahead. Once again, I try to probe for the chaos. It is my only gauge to tell what path Kane’s thoughts take, yet even this tells me nothing.
“Is it possible?” I finally ask, tired of the staring.
Kane shrugs. “I guess that depends on you.”
Me? What would this have to do with me, I think. “I don’t understand.” I shove my hands into my pockets, trying to rein in the nervous energy.
“What you are asking isn’t a simple task, Lev. Just because Evan accomplished it with you does not make it easy. The fact that the mind you wish to ease is mortal makes it doubly difficult.”
Taking a calming breath, I try not to let my impatience take over. “But not impossible?”
“No. What you are asking isn’t impossible.”
Relief surges through me as I allow myself to think that the consequences will perhaps be difficult. But difficult isn’t impossible, and I can still make amends for my part in destroying Elizabeth’s life.
I study Kane’s face, a little unnerved that it seems expressionless, and then it occurs to me that he’s reluctant. “You don’t want to help me, do you?”
Kane arches his eyebrows in surprise and tilts his head to the side as though considering my words. “I am hesitant to fulfill your request. And I don’t think you will be so enthusiastic when I tell you what it involves.”
I fold my arms across my chest and wonder what is coming next and why I have trepidations about it. “Can you just spit it out already?”
“I need you to obtain a particular…tool. Without it I can’t do as you require.”
While that statement doesn’t seem deceptive, I’m suspicious, considering how Celia feels about this group, so I study Kane’s expression, watching for the slightest “tell” in his features.
“And what would this ‘tool’ be?”
“Just a dagger.” His voice doesn’t waver. He speaks with abs
olute conviction.
“Then why would I object so much?”
He shrugs. “Perhaps because it has been entrusted to someone close to you, someone who will never agree to loan it to you and will deny the dagger even has such capabilities.”
My back stiffens, and I feel my wings stirring for release. That only happens when the chaos threatens to unnerve me. “Who has the dagger?”
“Evan.”
The chaos sucker-punches me, and I gasp at the thought of going through Evan’s personal things, searching for the dagger. “I can’t do that.”
Kane shrugs. “Then you can’t expect me to fulfill your wish. I do not have the ability to wipe Elizabeth’s memory without it.”
I try to think if Evan has ever even mentioned such a dagger, but I can’t recall it. How could such a weapon help to erase Elizabeth’s memory. “But why a dagger? How would that help?”
“Look here.” Kane extends both of his hands palms-up and looks down so a holographic image of the dagger appears. “This isn’t just any dagger. It’s ancient, and its powers are immense. One of the properties it has is that it can do the bidding of the person who holds it. Yes, it will require a bit of your blood and Elizabeth’s, but it will also accomplish a task which would otherwise be impossible.”
He curls his fingers into fists, and the image of the dagger vanishes, yet I keep staring in the space where the holograph was, trying to figure a way to accomplish this without destroying my relationship with Evan altogether. And I know he will never agree to wipe me from Elizabeth’s memories because Evan does not approve of meddling in the affairs of humans. It matters not that this whole affair was not of Elizabeth’s choosing.
“You must be joking,” I finally say, ambling to the sectional to sit down. “Evan will never go for this. He does not insert himself into the affairs of humans—never has, never will.”
Kane follows me and sits on the other side of the sectional. “Yes, and therein lies your difficulty.” He leans back. “You must either be willing to ‘borrow’ the dagger or accept things as they are. I guess it depends on which option seems beyond acceptance to you.”
Bob comes in from the kitchen and looks from me to Kane and back. “Surely you could just get the dagger for an hour at most to help Elizabeth. That’s all it would take.”
I try to digest what they are telling me, but knowing it will be deceitful does not sit well with me—and besides this group of angels, I have no one to discuss this with. I don’t even want to think about Celia’s reaction. She would go straight to Evan and remove the choice completely, so I know that isn’t an option. Would it hurt to borrow the dagger for that hour?
I look at Kane. “What is involved in the process of wiping Elizabeth’s memory? Would it really be that quick?”
Kane nods. “Sure. I mean, it would involve one of us making certain she stays unconscious. I would have to make a small cut on your arm, let the dagger know my intention, and then make a small cut on Elizabeth’s arm. Theoretically, when your blood meets her, your memory will be wiped clean from her mind, which will solve the problem.”
“Theoretically?” I sit up straighter, not liking the sound of that one bit.
Kane nods. “I do believe I understand the dagger’s power, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s how he wiped your memory out. The problem with what he did is that we are much more resistant to forgetting than humans. Elizabeth’s memory should be much easier to blanket than yours was. She shouldn’t have the residual images popping into her head like you did.”
The chaos building within me starts to ease slightly, and my posture goes from that of a piano player’s to my normal slight slouch. “What’s the likelihood it won’t take?”
“Very small. Yes, it is a risk, but this is the only option you have. There is no other way to erase her memory. Only you can decide if that is worth it.”
Bob sits on the other side of me while Theresa takes a seat next to Kane. Colin suddenly appears in the doorway. He’s silent as usual, and somehow I get the feeling he’s keeping his distance for a reason. I’m just not sure what that reason might be.
Chaos swirls within me, and yet all around, I feel the calm emanating from these angels. They don’t seem to have a stake in this one way or another, and they shouldn’t. This is all about Elizabeth and what is best for her. Again, an image of her face pops into my mind, and all the indecision within me suddenly falls back until she is all I can see. No, I definitely don’t like borrowing something of Evan’s, but Kane is right. I don’t see any other way to accomplish this, and I don’t see being able to exist with this weight wrapped around me. I have to do something, and it appears this is my only option.
I finally nod. “All right. I can do this with one condition: Evan and Celia can never know about this. Period.”
Theresa shakes her head. “You were standing in the yard earlier, Lev. You saw how much Celia is willing to associate with me. I can’t see her expending much effort to socialize with any of us, so I think that secret is completely safe.”
“What about Jayzee and Sarah?” I grit my teeth, thinking of the damage those two could do.
“They won’t speak of it. They don’t even have to know, if you don’t want them to.”
The others nod in agreement, and, as I still sense the calm, I realize the bargain has been made, leaving me to complete the next part—getting the dagger.
“You do remember what it looks like, right, Lev?” Kane asks. He lifts his hand, ready to create another hologram, but I nod to let him know I remember.
“I will try to get the dagger tomorrow evening so we can go to Elizabeth’s and get this over with. The sooner it’s done, the better.”
Weighted by the task ahead of me, I get to my feet and head toward the door. The others remain seated. In passing, I look at Colin and see this human form in his pupils. How strange the reflection is so small, dwarfed. He does not speak or even acknowledge me, so I pass him by, distracted by the future.
As I step out into the night, I think once again of the choice I’ve made, still not sure I like it. I glance back at the sliding glass door to find Colin standing there, watching me. I don’t know why the weight of his gaze unnerves me as it does. I’m not really sure knowing would make it unnerve me less, but I would prefer it.
Still, I turn and fling my body into the dark sky, heading toward the Upper Realm.
Back in my own place before the ocean and mountain, I fall into the grass, exhausted. I know it has nothing to do with the old injuries. Instead, it is all the chaos inside and all the time I spent with Elizabeth in the presence of her chaos. That does wear upon me, and I’ll be glad to be able to offer her a sense of resolution.
“Lev?”
I turn my gaze slowly and find Evan there. Immediately, I try to sense the level of chaos within him. The fact that there is so little within him tells me even though Celia has many doubts about my recent company, she must have said nothing. He seems to have come of his own calling, then.
“Yes,” I answer, sitting up.
“You have been away much.”
I finally nod. “Yes.”
He finally sits beside me. “Are you well?”
I want to ask him to define the term because I’m not sure I know what it means anymore. “I’m fine.”
He nods, and I can tell, much like a human father trying to speak to his child, he does not know what to say, so both of us look straight. There is a cliff there neither of us is willing to acknowledge.
“What did you do to my memory?” I finally ask.
Evan turns to me. “Does it matter?”
“Yes.” My tone is sharper than I intend. I know he still believes he did the right thing, and there isn’t anything I can do to convince him of his error.
“I wiped the painful memories away. Perhaps it was a bad choice, Lev. But when we brought you here after…that…you were mad with pain. The chaos overtook you, and I knew there wasn’t another way to return you to your sensibil
ities.”
I close my eyes and suddenly remember that moment when the world was burning and spinning. I’d never been trapped in a mortal body which had ceased to function. There was the pain that ripped through me, and the chaos. I thought it would drive me mad with thoughts of Elizabeth and the life I no longer occupied.
I swallow hard. “Perhaps my memory was not the one you should have altered.”
Evan cocks his head to the side. “I do not follow.”
“Elizabeth. Do you not understand the torment she lives with, Evan?”
He frowns, and in that moment, I feel the sharp sting of his chaos spinning out of control. “Then you remember?”
I nod. “Yes.” I wait for him to say more, but he offers nothing. “Is there not a way you could do that for her to spare her the pain of my existence?”
Evan quickly waves dismissively. “That’s out of the question, Lev. It can’t be done.”
“You mean you won’t do it?”
Evan quickly stands, and I feel the chaos growing stronger. In a small way, it is a consolation to know he does not rise above it any more than I do. “This is a useless conversation. It can’t be done, and that is it. I only came to check and make sure you were all right. I know you haven’t been able to manage sojourning yet.”
He won’t even look at me, and I know he is trying to get off this topic because he isn’t about to meddle in human affairs. “I’m fine, Evan. Just tired.”
Nodding, he says, “Then I’ll let you rest.”
A few seconds later, he is gone, and I am more resolved than ever to the course I have chosen.
Chapter Fourteen
The next morning, at least in the mortal world, I struggle with trying to go about finding the dagger. Although I suspect that Evan could hide the weapon in the Upper Realm, that just doesn’t sound right. Besides, it would be so much harder to find such an artifact in the human world. But where?