When I woke the next day, I found that my knees were bruised and cut, as were my elbows. I also vaguely remembered Kyle telling me, or at least I thought he told me, that he wanted to go out with me again. I tried to call him but got his machine. I decided not to leave a message. I thought I wanted to go out with him again, but I also didn’t want to cheat on him and I was supposed to see Danny sometime soon. Not that I thought Danny and I would do more than talk. At least, we hadn’t so far, but I didn’t want to risk hurting Kyle.
~* * * *~
A friend of my family worked at a travel agency and told me she had a great deal that I should take advantage of. Getting away sounded like a great idea. It was the Bahamas and everything was included in the price. Leslie and Liz weren’t able to get off work but Crystal was able to work something out.
I ran into Danny on my way to get my travelers’ checks. He wanted me to meet him at Chapter Two, which was a bar in our town. He wanted me to go there the following night at 2:00 a.m. when he got off work. I told him I was going away for a few days with Crystal that we got a really good deal and I really didn’t think I would be able to meet him. I really wanted to see him and saying that I couldn’t was hard. He seemed disappointed but I had a lot to do to get ready to go away. He looked miserable that day. I wondered if things were not going well for him and his married life. I told him that when I returned, we would figure something out. We couldn’t talk long as he had to get back to work.
Kyle called me to see how I was doing. I told him that I was getting away for a few days. He said he would take us to the airport. I didn’t ask him about what he might or might not have said to me the other night. Right then, I just wanted to get away and not worry about anything.
Crystal and I had a great time on our vacation. There was a casino and a dance club right in our hotel. Our days were spent laying in the sun, tanning. Nights we started at the casino until we began to lose too much, and then danced the night away in the club. The trip went way too fast and before we knew it, we were heading back home. It was so nice to not think about the mess that my life was in for at least a few days.
The first Wednesday I was back at work, Danny showed up at the door. He told me about ten times that he loved me. He told me that on July 7th he was going to find a way to get out and wanted us to go someplace special, so we could be together. There was a nice hotel called the Commack Motor Inn. It was far enough away that it would be safe to go there. He just needed to figure out how we were going to do it. I knew it was so wrong to even contemplate, but when I was with him, there was just no way to say no.
July 7th was such a magical day to both of us. It marked a date in our history when life was so simple. Love was new and pure for us. We never would have dreamed that we would wind up in the position we were in now.
He didn’t stay long because he didn’t want to risk being seen. I spent the rest of the day at work dreaming about what it would be like to be lying next to him and wrapped in his arms again, even if only for a short time.
The week before the 7th, I thought Danny would stop by work to let me know what he was able to arrange, but he didn’t show up. I began to think he had had second thoughts. I wanted to be mad but I couldn’t be. I was disappointed that maybe we wouldn’t get to share an evening together. Talking at my job for the short time we did was hard. Being able to really spend hours together again, would have been nice.
~* * * *~
One day, an invitation arrived in the mail for David’s wedding. He met a girl he deeply loved and had never been happier. Danny’s dad told my parents that they were thinking of renting a bus to take us, since it wasn’t going to be at a place close by. That way, we could all have a good time and no one would have to worry about driving. This would be the first time that I would have to be in the same place with Danny and his wife. I would never get used to saying those words. I was going to ask Kyle to go with me. There was no way that I was attending that alone, and have to see them together the whole night. Also, I would never miss David’s wedding. He had been a good friend to me since day one. He never could understand how his brother could continue to hurt me.
It seemed like just yesterday I was moving into my house and meeting them both. Now, they would both had wives and families. I knew I shouldn’t dwell on that, but I did. I was the one who was supposed to be with Danny and be a part of this family of theirs. I began to think that I would never get married.
July 7th came and went. He didn’t even call and I began to think that maybe he had realized that seeing me really wasn’t the right thing to do. I really believed he was at least going to call me that day even if he wasn’t able to see me.
I ran into David at the store a couple days later and he was anxious about his upcoming wedding. I was so happy for him but I felt a tug in my heart again, wishing I was the one married to Danny.
“Have you heard the news?” David asked me.
“What news?” Instantly, I was deep down hoping to hear that maybe Danny left his wife. I knew I was a horrible person to even think that.
“My dad booked the party bus for the wedding, so that way everyone can drink and not have to worry,” he said.
My heart stopped for a second. In my mind, I heard ‘Danny left Wanda.’ It wasn’t what he really said. I realized he just told me something completely unrelated to Danny. I tried hard to hide my inner feelings. No one knew that we had even seen each other, not even his brother, so I couldn’t express what I really felt. “That’s really great,” I stated as convincingly as I possibly could as I continued to grasp reality.
“You still love him, don’t you?” David asked in a voice of someone who’d known the strange on-again and off-again relationship Danny and I shared for so many years. Deep down, I was sure even he thought that we would wind up married.
I hesitated before answering. There was no sense lying to him, “Yes—I still love him. I think I always will in some ways. Your wedding will be the first time I’ll see them together.”
“I’m sorry. I love him, he is my brother, but I really thought you two would’ve wound up together one day. But you will have a great time at the wedding, I know you will.” I think he saw the pain that probably showed on my face. “Let’s talk about something else, okay? Are you going to bring someone to my wedding? I still can’t believe how close it is. I have never been happier than I am right now.” He was completely beaming as he talked about marrying the love of his life.
“Yes, I’m going to ask Kyle to go with me. We have been seeing each other again. Nothing serious as of yet, but I think he will go with me.”
“Kyle seems nice. Maybe it will work out for you with him,” he stated.
“I hope so…I really do,” I said, as reality of my life as a single woman hit me right in the heart.
David continued to tell me about the wedding plans until he realized the time and needed to get back to work.
Everything was starting to finally make sense to me. I missed Danny terribly but I had to truly face a reality that my heart just didn’t want to face. He had moved on and was married. Even if he did love me like he said, it didn’t change the reality. We would not have a future together. He wasn’t going to leave her and come running back to me. I had to move on and not keep thinking in the back of my mind that we still had any hope for a future together.
It seemed so hard to look forward to seeing one of my best friends getting married and yet at the same time, I kept dreading having to face Danny with his wife together for the first time.
There wasn’t much time to dwell on Danny and what should have been. When I arrived back at my house, I found my front door open. My mom’s car wasn’t there, so panic instantly filled me; something wasn’t right. If my mom were home, her car would have been here. I began to think someone had broken into my house. I ran next door to my neighbor, told her what I thought was going on and we quickly called the police.
My mom worked for the local police department. She was the ch
ief of police’s secretary. She’d started working there part time and was moved to full time. Everyone loved my mom, so when they got this call they arrived quickly.
Seemed like just seconds later my dead-end street was blocked off. I thought every police car had arrived. I’d never seen so many cops. They began jumping fences and went into every yard on my street. I saw them draw their guns as they began to enter my house. My heart was racing. I had never been so scared in my life.
Time seemed to stand still as I waited to see them come out of the house with whoever was in there. I stood at my neighbor’s front door, so I had a perfect view of my house. When they finally came outside, I heard laughter. Everyone was smiling and laughing. I didn’t understand what was happening. I saw one of the police officers wave for me to go over to him. I hesitated, still afraid to go.
“Go inside, I think you will be in for a big surprise,” he said to me.
I walked slowly into my house and there in my living room was my mother, whose face was the shade of a red apple.
“Wait—you weren’t supposed to be home. Your car isn’t here.”
“Your dad dropped me off and took my car to the gas station. I got off early. I guess I forgot to tell you I was coming home early.”
“I’m sorry,” I said as I glanced around my house that was completely filled with police and thought about what my street looked like.
“I don’t think I will be living this down anytime soon. I was in the bathroom with the door open when they came up the stairs with their guns drawn,” Mom said, laughing.
I was trying so hard not to laugh, but the thought of what just happened overruled the chaos I had just created. I felt really bad but everyone was laughing, even my mom. I knew I did the right thing, not knowing that someone was home.
I called Kyle to tell him what happened and asked him about going to the wedding with me, which he agreed to do without any hesitation. I knew that I needed to face reality once and for all. I needed to move on with my life. I couldn’t keep living in the past. I hoped I could find the strength that I needed. But no matter how hard I tried, my mind wouldn’t stop thinking of Danny and missing him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
September 15th
It was David’s wedding day. I’d been dreading this day and looking forward to it at the same time. My stomach was doing flip-flops, anticipating having to face Danny and Wanda together for the first time. It was going to be so hard. I knew I had to be really strong and I needed to make it through the day. At the same time, I was looking forward to seeing David get married. I knew how important it was to him.
My parents were also attending and I believed having them by my side would also help me get through the day.
The bus was such a great way to go for everyone. The ride went quickly. The church ceremony was uneventful. There were so many people attending I didn’t see Danny and focused on watching the wedding. We took the bus to the hall after the ceremony. I tried really hard to keep my mind off having to see Danny. Since Kyle and I were more good friends than anything else at that point, he knew my feelings about today. We talked about it for a long time one night. I didn’t want to be deceitful. I just couldn’t hurt him; he didn’t deserve that. He wasn’t looking to be serious and we had come to an understanding. As friends, we didn’t need to pretend to be something we weren’t. Maybe someday that would change for us, but for now, it was what worked. There were no hard feelings and our time together was much more enjoyable without the pressures.
As we walked off the bus at the hall, my heart began to race. I had no idea if Danny and Wanda were already inside.
Kyle sensed my hesitation and grabbed my hand. Our eyes locked and no words were spoken between us.
I swiftly glanced around the room, wondering where they were. I didn’t see them and was finally able to let out the breath that I’d been holding.
We found our table and quickly sat down. Kyle offered to go get us some drinks, which I happily agreed to.
“How are you doing?” my mom asked as she took a seat next to me.
“I’m hanging in there. I don’t see them yet, thank God.” But I continually scanned the room, awaiting the impending moment.
“I know this is really a hard day for you, but don’t let that get in your way of enjoying today,” she urged.
Then it happened. My eyes were drawn to them as if they were a magnet with a force so strong I was pulled toward them without even wanting to be. I looked across the room and there he was, staring at me. For a moment in time, nothing else in the room existed, and everything became silent. All I saw was him and those eyes that would forever melt me. There were no other people. No one was talking and the music had disappeared. I didn’t know whether to smile or look away. I was frozen. I continued to stare at him as my eyes filled with tears that I managed to somehow freeze. Even from across the room I could see the pain on his face, too.
“Here you go,” Kyle said, as he sat down next to me and handed me my drink.
Then just like that—the moment was gone and the music was playing. Everyone was talking, laughing, and dancing.
“Thank you,” I managed to say, as I gazed around as if I’d just woken up. Was I dreaming? I saw that Danny was gone and the place where he’d been standing was empty—just like me. I won’t do this, I promised myself. But it was just so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. To have him there and not be able to talk to him, not be able to touch him or hold him, hurt me beyond belief.
I forced myself back to my reality, to my world without him. I had to focus on Kyle. He convinced me to dance. We danced until we were exhausted and thirsty. He went off to get us some new drinks as I headed back to our table.
I was left alone. I started to scan the room, when I finally saw her. Even though no one told me it was her, I just knew it was. I had imagined this moment for so long, but nothing could really prepare me enough. I refused to see pictures from the wedding, I just couldn’t. Now, there she was. In my eyes, she had what was supposed to be mine. She had the life I’d been dreaming of and the man I still loved. Even though I knew he was just as much to blame, my anger was aimed at her. She took my place in that family. I saw her talking to Danny’s mom and I found myself staring at her every move. I tried to look away, but found that I couldn’t. The saying ‘if looks could kill’ came to mind. I had envisioned her as being unattractive, yet she was anything but. Her blonde, flattering, short hairstyle complimented her petite body in a stunning dress. She was pretty; why did she have to be pretty? I continued to stare, knowing full well I shouldn’t. She must have sensed me staring because in a split second, she was staring at me, too. We didn’t need to speak, our eyes glaring at each other told the whole story. I don’t know how much time passed before Danny walked up to her and broke our contest.
He gave me a look, which clearly had a smile within it, as he took her attention away from me.
Kyle returned with our drinks and I returned my attention to him. It was very hard to not keep looking over at Danny and Wanda and to not watch their every move.
“You do know that he has been staring at you the whole night, don’t you?” Kyle asked me.
“No, I didn’t know that, he is with his wife.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem to be stopping him,” he said in an angered tone.
“Do I sense jealously from the one who wanted to stay non-committed?” I asked him with a smile. We both had agreed on not being committed, but I sensed something was changing.
Just as he was about to answer, a slow song began to play, Cherish by Kool and the Gang. Kyle grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor once again. We found a place on the floor as he pulled me closely to him and wrapped his arms around me. I found myself looking at him as if I was seeing him for the first time. I knew I hadn’t been fair to him at times, but he also had not wanted to be committed to me. I decided that I needed to live for today. I couldn’t keep doing the rollercoaster of emotions with Danny.
Maybe I was meant to be with Kyle. We’d been going back and forth almost as long as Danny and I had been. If I could just get Danny out of my mind once permanently, Kyle and I just might have a chance at a future.
The night went by quickly and I spent the rest of the evening by Kyle’s side, dancing and talking. I didn’t search the room looking for Danny or Wanda. I did over-hear at the bar on one of the trips for a drink that they were fighting. I didn’t know what it was about, but I could only imagine, it had something to do with me. As the last song played, I realized I had made it through another hard day and night. I also knew that without Kyle there and his support, it would have been so much harder, if not impossible.
As we started our goodbyes and we wished David and Debbie the best, I saw Danny one last time, staring at me. I glanced over at him, but this time I didn’t smile; I just turned away. We gathered all our stuff and headed to the bus that would take us back home.
Kyle didn’t say much on the bus ride and neither did I. There was a lot to process from the night. I believed that things would finally be better and maybe Kyle and I both had learned that our feelings for each other just might be more than the friends we pretended to be.
I talked to Kyle a couple of days after the wedding and even though he clearly admitted he was jealous, we mutually agreed that we weren’t going to rush into anything just yet. We would still go out occasionally and I would go visit him with my friends, but that was all it would be for now.
It was two months later while at work, when Danny showed up at my job. My heart still fluttered when I saw him, and that yearning pain to be with him still overcame me. I managed to hide it as best I could. I knew I couldn’t keep doing that anymore. Danny told me that he and Wanda got into a huge fight at the wedding. It lasted for days after, due to his excessive staring at me the whole time. He told me that seeing me with Kyle bothered him so much, but he knew that he had no right to be upset about it.