‘But how are you going to know if she’s worth it, if you don’t open up to her? She can only like you at first for what she sees on the surface and then as she gets to know you more and more, that’s when she’ll start to fall for you. So how do you know it’s not worth it if you won’t let anybody in, in the first place?’
His eyes study my face, holding my gaze.
‘How well did you know Josh when you started dating?’
‘He sat next to me in English class in freshman year; our teacher decided on a seating chart for the class. At first, I felt awkward around him because I was quiet and he wasn’t, and he played sports while I liked books. And he was popular, so I didn’t think he’d really notice me that much. We’d just talk in lessons, and sometimes he’d walk with me to my next class, and after a couple of months, he asked me on a date. I got to know him bit by bit over time and then once we started dating, we got to know more about each other.’
I smile down at the table, watching my fingers twirling my pen around. ‘When he first asked me out, I couldn’t believe it, because I’d started to really like him, but I didn’t think he saw me that way. I figured it was a one-sided crush, you know? Then being with him, he just – he made me happy.’
He doesn’t say anything. When I look over out of the corner of my eye, he’s rolling that gray guitar pick between his fingers again.
‘The problem with you is that you’re scared to let people in,’ I say.
He looks up to meet my eyes. ‘And the problem with you is that you don’t like to know the worst in people.’
I don’t reply; I’m not sure how to. I’m not even entirely sure if he meant that in a bad way. So I just sit and stare blankly at him for a few moments, and then Ms Langstone’s voice rings out, ‘Okay everyone, I want you to work on this for next lesson, to be handed in on Friday. The bell will go in a few minutes; you may as well leave.’
There’s instant movement throughout our small class as people scrape back their chairs on the rough carpet, and sweep books and pens into bags. I take the earphone from Todd, wrapping the wire around my iPod. He gives me a smile and says, ‘See you later,’ as I leave.
Lunch is long without Josh there, but not altogether unbearable. Mostly, though, I’m thinking about my conversation with Todd. I usually end up replaying our conversations in my head – a lot of the things he says are vague and ambiguous and leave me wondering what the hell he meant. And it is times like this when I smile because even if we do have our arguments, and half the time I can’t quite figure him out, I really do like Todd O’Connor.
‘Hello-o-o-o-o? Earth to Ashley?’
‘Huh?’ I look up from my lunch and see Austin waving a hand in front of my face. ‘What?’
‘How’s Josh’s ankle? Think he’ll be up for the game on Friday?’
‘Oh, yeah, sure he will. It’s not that bad, really. He just needed to rest it a little.’
‘As long as he’s okay to kick butt at the football game, right?’ Neil adds, nudging Austin, and they both laugh. I’m not sure what’s so funny, but the girls join in as well. I force a chuckle just to participate.
I look past the boys to Todd’s table. I can see Allie there today, doing what I assume is some homework. Naomi sees me looking and lowers her voice to mutter in my ear, ‘God, she’s so pretentious, don’t you think?’
‘What?’
‘Allie Lewitt. You guys used to hang out, didn’t you?’
‘Um, yeah, I – well, I guess . . .’
‘Was she always so stuck-up? She’s in my English class,’ Naomi carries on, ‘and she’s such a know-it-all and she thinks she’s so much better than everybody else, just because she edits the school paper and wears plaid skirts with sneakers like she doesn’t care if she looks like a walking fashion disaster. I just hate people like that. Don’t you?’
I nod, not because I agree with her, but because I don’t want to disagree.
She smiles at me, with her perfect magenta lipstick and immaculately straight teeth that have never seen braces. ‘You’re so lucky you ditched her when you had the chance.’
I place the fresh ice-pack I got from the freezer on Josh’s ankle, which is still looking a little swollen, but it’s not bruised and it should be fine by the game on Friday.
‘Thanks, babe,’ he says, sitting up and leaning toward me. I lean the rest of the way to kiss him, and he smiles against my lips. He leans back on his pillows and taps at his Xbox controller to get rid of the pause menu and carry on playing. It’s some war game; I forget the name of it.
I lie beside him on my stomach and open the poetry book we’re studying in English to the page where I dog-eared it last. I pick my pencil back up and chew on the end of it thoughtfully, wondering about all the different implications of the poem I’m looking at now.
‘Are you coming back to school tomorrow?’ I ask him after a while.
‘Probably. I don’t think my teachers are going to be exactly happy if I hand in any more homework late, and I can’t afford any detentions right now, what with all the football practice.’
I nod. ‘Okay. It was really quiet without you at lunch today.’
He wraps his uninjured right leg around both of mine and then mutters to himself, ‘Aw, damn it,’ over something on his video game.
A while later, when I’ve finished analyzing a couple of poems for my homework and Josh has reached a new level in his game, he stops playing and finds a channel showing reruns of Friends and I snuggle into him.
We don’t talk much for a while; we just watch TV and make out.
At one point I start to tell him about something I liked in one of the poems I just looked at, but I instantly stop myself; he wouldn’t be interested, so there’s no point in boring him.
But that makes me think – about what Todd said both at his party and today in creative writing, about Josh and I not really having much in common. I love him, I really do, and even though we’re not talking right now, it’s so nice and peaceful just being cuddled up with him.
But . . . well, wouldn’t it be a bit nicer if we did have more to talk about? If we had more things in common and could have a proper conversation about things other than colleges and school and Josh’s football; wouldn’t that just make everything that little bit better between us?
I suppress a sigh.
I’m being stupid. I wouldn’t even be thinking those things if Todd hadn’t brought them up.
Things are great between me and Josh. I want to shake my head at myself, scold myself for thinking like this, because it’s only making me doubt things, and there is nothing to doubt.
I’m happy with Josh.
‘I love you,’ I say out loud.
‘I love you too,’ Josh says softly, and leans to kiss me. When we kiss, I look at the shadow the light from the TV screen throws over the one half of his face, and how it makes his cheekbone look sharper, and how thick his blond eyebrows are. I don’t want to be thinking about even those things, though; I just want to kiss him and lose myself in the feeling of that and just be in love with him.
I close my eyes, but that doesn’t really help erase my thoughts.
We’re in love, right? Isn’t love when you’re just happy being with someone, like I am with Josh? I shouldn’t be thinking about how things might be better between us, or persuading myself how good things are with us. It shouldn’t be an issue.
I break the kiss and snuggle my head into the crook of his neck. ‘I should get going, it’s late.’
‘You can stay another five minutes.’
I shake my head and sit up, swinging my legs off the side of the bed. ‘I need to stop by the gas station on the way home.’
‘Five more minutes, Ashley, c’mon, it won’t hurt.’
I waver, but then I stand up, picking up my poetry book and my pencil, putting them into my purse. ‘I’m sorry. I really need to get going.’
Josh sighs. ‘All right, then.’ He sighs again and sits up, making to take th
e ice-pack off his ankle, but I catch his wrist.
‘Stay here, don’t worry about it.’
‘Are you okay?’ He squints up at me, his mouth turned down. ‘Is everything okay, Ashley?’
I nod, putting on a smile for him. ‘It’s fine. I’m fine. I just lost track of time, that’s all. I’m fine. You stay here, though, you need to rest your ankle.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’ He leans back into the pillows without arguing; I kneel with one knee on the bed to give him another kiss goodbye, and then I sling my purse onto my shoulder and head downstairs. I say goodbye to his mom when she pops her head out of the lounge, and I go to the gas station even though I don’t need to just yet.
I drive around for a while before I actually get home, trying to clear my head.
It doesn’t really work.
Chapter Eleven
Almost tripping over my own feet, I bolt down the steps of the bleachers and run up to Josh, launching myself into his arms. His arms curl around me and twirl me around, and I kiss him, giggling helplessly, holding his face in my hands. He smells of sweat and victory.
‘Didn’t I tell you that you’d be amazing?’
He rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. ‘Yeah, yeah.’
I give him another kiss, this one a little longer. ‘I’ll let you go shower.’
‘Are you telling me I stink?’
I laugh. ‘Go on. I’ll meet you at the car.’
He presses his lips briefly to the tip of my nose and then jogs backwards to catch up with the rest of the team who are currently making their way rowdily back to the locker rooms. The losing team, Harrison Prep, drift back in the direction of their bus with their cheerleaders, visibly dejected. People start to get up and make their way down from the bleachers, buzzing with excitement. It stinks of popcorn and hotdogs; sickly-sweet and potent, and the floodlights are blindingly bright against the inky blue sky.
A hand claps on my shoulder.
Austin says, ‘We’re going to head on back to Sam and Neil’s.’
He’s with Sam, Danielle, Eliza and Naomi. ‘Sure,’ I say. ‘We’ll meet you there in a bit.’
They file past me and I walk with them to the parking lot. Sam and Austin are discussing intricate details of the game, talking about how the other team might’ve scored if they’d only done this, or how we might’ve got another touchdown if Neil had passed the ball a little earlier.
‘ . . . Todd O’Connor to come hang with us,’ Naomi is saying. The name catches my attention and I turn to her.
‘What’s that?’
‘Oh, I asked Todd to hang with us,’ she repeats, ‘but he said no. Can you believe that?’ I think she’s taken his rejection personally. She’s even pouting.
‘He’s probably already got plans or something,’ I offer.
‘I can never tell what he’s thinking, he’s always so mysterious. I bet he does it on purpose.’
‘Sexy, though, right?’ Eliza pitches in with a laugh.
‘Oh, hell yeah,’ Naomi agrees, giggling. ‘But he’s barely given any girl a second glance. It’s like he’s not even interested in hooking up or anything.’
‘Well not all guys are like that,’ I say. ‘It may shock you to hear this, but some guys are actually looking for a committed relationship.’
‘He has a date. A date! And not with me. That’s why he wouldn’t hang out with us. I mean, I’ve used every trick in the book, I’ve even asked him to tutor me in French—’
‘You don’t take French, though?’ Eliza cuts in.
‘Yeah, that’s why he wouldn’t. Anyway, not the point. He has a date with someone. Ugh. I’m so jealous of whoever it is.’ She huffs dramatically for emphasis.
‘A date?’ I say, feeling shell-shocked, and delayed in responding. ‘Like, an actual date?’
‘Well, that’s what he told me. Some girl in his math class asked him out, and he said yes. He said they’re going for dinner now, after the game.’
My heart feels like it’s got a fist squeezed around it, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that Todd has a date. Well, good for him, getting out there, right?
But I don’t feel happy for him.
I don’t know what I feel, actually.
But it’s not jealousy. Definitely not jealousy.
I say, ‘I’ll see you later,’ and slip away to where Josh’s car is parked, too distracted now to even try and join in their conversation.
Josh gave me the keys earlier, so I rifle through my purse for them so I can sit inside; I’m a little worried it’s going to rain.
‘Hey.’
I turn around. ‘Oh, hi.’
Todd turns to his friends, saying, ‘I’ll catch you guys up in a sec.’
They shrug and carry on walking without him, their conversation uninterrupted. I lower my purse so that it hangs at my side.
‘Good game, huh?’ I can’t think of anything else to say.
He nods. ‘Yeah, it was. Your boyfriend plays well.’ He pauses, thinking, and then says, ‘Your friend Naomi asked me to come hang out with you.’
‘She told me. I think she’s almost convinced that you’re not attracted to her. She took it very personally when you said no.’
The corner of his mouth twitches into a smirk and he lets out a soft breath of laughter. He has a very full lower lip, I notice. His upper lip is thin, but with a very defined cupid’s-bow. They’re a very soft shade of pink, and chapped.
‘I didn’t think I would be very welcome,’ he admits, looking up from under his mess of hair. ‘I mean . . . I don’t know your friends very well. No offence.’
‘That’s okay. She, um, she said you had a date?’
His mouth twists and he looks away, ruffling his hair with one hand. ‘Yeah, um . . .’ He clears his throat. ‘It seemed like the only way to make her back off.’
‘Oh.’
Definitely not relieved. Why should I be? It’s not like it matters to me if he dates someone or not.
I rock back and forth on the heels of my worn-out red Converse. Todd scuffs his feet on the concrete, drawing my attention to the dirty toes of his sneakers.
‘You should probably get going,’ I say. ‘Catch up with your friends.’
‘Yeah.’ He doesn’t move. ‘Um. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you around. Oh, and if you could maybe avoid mentioning to Naomi that I lied about the date—’
‘Got you covered.’ I smile at him, and I think he returns it, but I can’t be sure; he turns and walks off too quickly. I watch him leave for a few seconds before I look back at my purse and dig my hand in for Josh’s keys. My fingers close around them just as another pair of hands closes over my eyes, making me jump with a shriek of surprise.
‘Guess who.’
I laugh, turning, ‘Don’t sneak up on me like that. You scared the crap out of me.’
‘Sorry, babe, couldn’t resist.’ Josh laughs, grinning easily at me. He smells less like sweat now and more like cheap soap. His hair is wet, his skin still damp. Neil’s with him, too, and both of them toss their dirty football kits into the trunk before we climb into the car.
The others are already there when we get to the twins’ house. I sit on Josh’s lap on the armchair and the others crowd onto the couches. Sam brings out a box of cold beers from the kitchen and Josh reaches across me to take one from him.
I push his hand away. ‘You’re driving, remember?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ He pulls his hand from mine and takes the beer from Sam. ‘And we’ll be here for a few hours. One won’t hurt.’
I give him a look that blatantly says I’m not happy with him.
He opens the can, takes a gulp of the beer and I sigh, but it doesn’t stop him drinking it. And it doesn’t stop him having another three over the course of the next hour.
When he’s about to crack open a fifth can, I cover his hand with mine to stop him. ‘Maybe one wouldn’t hurt if you’re driving, but five?’
‘Don’t be so uptight all the time, Ashley.?
?? I hear the others stifle laughs and clench my jaw.
‘I’m not being uptight,’ I say, bristling, and admittedly a little upset by the others laughing at me. ‘You can’t drive home like this.’
He nudges my hand off and opens the can. ‘If it bothers you that much, call your mom for a ride home.’
My mouth drops open and I let out a noise of complete disbelief. ‘Why are you acting like this?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like . . .’ I flounder, unable to find the right word. ‘Obnoxious.’
He rolls his eyes. ‘I’m just trying to have a good time.’ I sigh, rubbing a hand across my forehead. What the hell is wrong with him, thinking that this is okay? Like he can drive home later after drinking this much (and I know he’s not planning on stopping at five). And like he can make me out to be the bad guy in all this, the party-pooper, ruining his fun!
He must see how angry I am, because he laughs again, like it’s all a joke to him and I just haven’t seen the punch line yet.
‘Oh, c’mon, Ashley. I’m not a lightweight. Unlike some people.’
He gives me a look that makes me sure the lightweight comment was a slight dig at me, but then his face breaks out into an easy grin and he wraps his arm tighter around me, pulling me closer, and they all start talking about the game again.
I push his arms off me, and storm out of the room to the bathroom upstairs.
‘Ashley?’ Naomi calls after me.
I lock myself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes, breathing deeply in and out to calm down. He’s being a jerk, and that’s a generous term for how he’s acting right now.
There’s no way I’m letting him drive me home, and there’s no way I’m letting him drive himself home, either.
When I unlock the door to go back downstairs and announce I’m calling for a ride home immediately, Josh is leaning against the wall opposite.
I step aside, holding the door for him, but he shakes his head and I let the door swing back. ‘Ashley . . .’ He tries to draw me into his arms, his hands on my elbows, but I shake my head and push away, backing into the wall.
With a loud sigh, he steps closer so that he’s right up against me, and his index finger pushes my chin up to get me to look at him.