I nod. ‘Tell me about it.’ Turning away from him, I put the coffee maker on, and get out two mugs, and the sugar. My stomach is flipping over and tying into tangles again, like after dinner, and my palms are clammy.
Todd doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t leave. Like he knows I want to say something.
And I do, but I don’t know how to say it.
I pour the coffee, adding sugar to mine. When I turn around, I jump, seeing that Todd’s suddenly a lot closer than I expected him to be, only about a foot away from me. I wet my lips.
The way he’s looking at me right now . . . Josh has never looked at me like that.
I can feel my heart skitter in my chest, and whatever sentence I might have said suddenly becomes a jumble of words on the tip of my tongue. I swallow, hard, as Todd lifts a hand and brushes some hair off my warm cheek, leaving his hand against my jaw and tilting up my head.
His eyes look bright blue in this light, like summer sky. They flicker down to my lips, and slide shut as he leans in closer. My eyelids flutter, too.
I shouldn’t want to kiss him this much.
His nose presses against mine, his breath mingles with mine, and then—
I push him back as hard as I can, glaring at him. ‘What the hell, Todd?’
He blinks, disorientated. ‘I—’
‘You can’t just – just – just—’ Words fail me, and I settle for a high-pitched grunt of frustration instead. ‘What the hell?’
I’m angry at myself for wanting to kiss him, and for almost kissing him – but I’m equally mad at him, for initiating it in the first place. What was he thinking? I have a boyfriend!
I don’t realize I’ve said that last part out loud until he responds.
‘I wasn’t thinking!’ he exclaims, careful not to raise his voice too much in case the twins overhear us. ‘I just – I don’t know, I—’
‘You can’t just go around doing things like that! Especially with girls who have a boyfriend! Jesus, Todd . . .’
‘I’m sorry, okay?’ He does look sincere, but I don’t care. ‘I didn’t think. I’m sorry, Ashley, I didn’t mean . . .’
‘Go home,’ I tell him, when he trails off. ‘Maybe I gave you the wrong impression by asking you to come babysit with me, somehow. I didn’t realize that my friendship gave you a signal to try making out with me.’
‘It didn’t. You didn’t – I mean, I just . . .’
‘Go home.’ I turn back to the mugs of coffee, pouring his down the sink.
He lingers a moment longer, and I keep my back to him, breathing heavily, and wait until I hear the door open and close behind him. I grip the counter, letting out a long, shaky sigh.
I shouldn’t have wanted to kiss him at all. I shouldn’t have goose bumps all over my skin, and shouldn’t still feel his hand on my face, brushing my hair back.
Taking my coffee back into the lounge, Ethan asks where Todd went.
‘He’s gone home,’ I say, forcing a smile I hope looks easy and not tense. ‘He couldn’t stay any longer.’
Chapter Fourteen
The rest of the week, I drive myself to school (sending Todd a blunt text to let him know I wouldn’t be wanting a lift when I get home from the Freemans’). I see him a few times in the corridors, but he seems to be avoiding me – he’s always disappeared down a different hallway before I can even catch his eye.
He doesn’t turn up to Creative Writing class, either. Part of me wants to see him and talk to him about what happened on Tuesday, but for the most part, I’m relieved when I don’t see him and we don’t have that conversation.
I don’t think I overreacted – well, not that much, at least. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him to go home; things might have been better if he’d stayed and we’d talked through it. Truth is, I want to forgive him; I miss him.
I keep looking over to his room, hoping to catch his eye – maybe throw something at the window to catch his attention, since he hasn’t answered his phone the few times I have rung. But he keeps the drapes permanently closed.
And it carries on like that.
Having pushed Todd away, I find myself spending more time with Josh, and realizing exactly how lonely I am now that I don’t have Todd. Before he moved in, I hadn’t ever noticed how alone I was; and now it’s like I have this gaping hole in my life. Almost exactly like when I stopped being friends with Allie.
Friday evening of the second week of not speaking to Todd, my parents have noticed.
We’re sitting down to dinner, and Mom sighs all of a sudden, putting down her knife and fork. I look up, and so does my dad; things have suddenly gotten serious. I wonder if maybe one of my grandparents is sick, and gulp.
‘So I spoke to Callum earlier.’
Oh, God, here we go . . .
At least nobody’s sick.
‘He said he’s worried about Todd. You two haven’t been talking lately. You don’t even carpool. What’s that all about?’
‘I haven’t done anything,’ I sigh. ‘Todd’s just being . . .’ I trail off, not knowing which adjective best describes him at this moment. There are a lot of appropriate ones. ‘Todd’s just being Todd.’
‘What happened with you two?’
‘Nothing! God, nothing happened, okay? He won’t talk to me, or answer my calls. I don’t know.’
‘I thought you two were pretty close,’ Dad comments, shoveling more mashed potato onto his fork.
‘We weren’t that close . . .’ I shift in my seat. The subtle look that Dad gives me tells me he knows I’m lying. Not that it matters now, anyway. Todd won’t even look at me.
‘I know you two have your disputes,’ Mom says, ‘but you always seem quite happy around Todd.’
‘And I’m not happy the rest of the time?’
‘No, I only mean that . . . well, it’s like you come out of your shell around him.’
‘Look, it doesn’t even matter now anyway, all right? We aren’t friends any more.’
‘You should try and talk to him,’ Mom says gently. ‘Go over there and try and make amends. I don’t know what happened between you but whenever you’ve argued with him before, you’ve always made up. I don’t see why this time has to be any different.’
‘He’s had a rough time of it, Ashley,’ Dad pitches in. ‘The least you can do is try. He could probably use a good friend.’
I shake my head. I could tell them that we almost kissed, but knowing my mom, she’ll make an even bigger deal out of it than me.
‘Ashley,’ Mom says, adopting her stern-parent voice.
I put my knife and fork together on my plate and stand up. ‘I’m not hungry any more. I’m going out for a drive somewhere. I’ll see you later.’
I pull on my shoes and grab my coat and purse, taking my keys from their hook.
‘Ashley, get back here now,’ my mother calls. ‘Sit back down and talk to us. Ashley!’
‘Ashley, come back and listen to your mother. Don’t make us ground you, young lady—’
I shut the door, abruptly cutting off their voices. I climb into my car and reverse off the driveway.
I hesitate near the sidewalk, looking over at Todd’s front door. The lights are on, and I know he’s in, but I can’t make myself get out of the car to go talk to him. To be honest, I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him, but it’s already too late for that.
The only place I can think to go is Josh’s.
So I grind my teeth and drive past Todd’s house, turning at the end of the road to go to see my boyfriend.
I groan quietly, rubbing a hand over my face as I park outside Josh’s house; Austin’s and Neil’s cars are here. I totally forgot they were having one of their guys’ nights. But I’m here now. And I need to see Josh.
I didn’t tell him about the almost-kiss, obviously, since nothing did actually happen, and as he doesn’t really like Todd as it is, I figured that was best. I’m not lying to him, exactly . . .
I ring the doorbell and wait. When there
is no reply I ring again, then knock.
Finally, Josh opens the door with a slight frown of confusion, which disappears when he sees it’s me.
‘Ashley,’ he says quietly, stepping outside and closing the door behind him. ‘Is everything okay? What’s wrong?’
‘I just . . .’ I take a deep breath. My voice sounded shaky. ‘I just needed to see you.’
He pulls me into a hug, holding me gently around the waist. ‘Hey, hey, calm down. What’s wrong?’
‘My parents were stressing me out, because I haven’t been talking to Todd since we – we had a fight, and . . .’ I trail off. It sounds so stupid, trying to explain it without telling him the vital detail of what almost happened.
‘Hold on, you had a fight with O’Connor?’ he says. Josh’s expression is less concerned now; his features are pulled taut, back into a frown. ‘Since when?’
‘A couple of weeks ago. It’s just that we were really good friends, and I miss him, but I don’t know how to make things right. He won’t so much as acknowledge me in school, and he keeps skipping creative writing, and—’
‘Hey, shush, calm down,’ Josh says softly, kissing my forehead. I’m getting flustered – I can’t tell him the truth, he’d get really mad at Todd and that’s not the point here. I just want him to hug me and tell me everything’s okay. That’s all. I don’t want to make any drama.
‘There’s something wrong with that O’Connor guy,’ he mutters, which is not what I want to hear.
‘There’s nothing wrong with Todd,’ I snap.
‘Whose side are you on here, Ashley? From the sound of things, the guy’s being a total jackass to you. Why are you defending him?’
I open my mouth; then I look away, and close it again.
Josh sighs, and then pulls me closer again. ‘So what’s up with your parents?’
‘They want me to patch things up with Todd, but it’s really not that easy, and they wouldn’t understand.’ I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry. I just needed to get out for a bit.’
Josh nods. ‘Well, you know you can’t stay long, right? I mean, the guys are here, and . . .’ He rubs the side of his neck.
I nod. ‘Yeah, I get it. Sorry for interrupting,’ I tell him. Then I go on my toes and give him a kiss. ‘Thanks, though. I’ll get going now, let you enjoy the rest of your night.’
‘Thanks, Ashley. I love you.’
‘I love you, too,’ I reply automatically, giving him a smile. But it feels so forced. We kiss once more, and then he goes back inside, and I get back in my car. I don’t want to go home just yet though, so I drive to the gas station, buy a smoothie, and sit in the parking lot slurping it up slowly. I wish Josh had said that he’d tell the guys to go home so he could spend time with me, but we’ve spent practically every evening together the last two weeks and they’d been planning tonight for a while.
Todd’s voice bounces around my head, with everything he’s ever said about Josh and me as a couple. Everything was fine with us before he came along. Before he started saying things, making me doubt things, making me feel like something was just off.
I thought I loved Josh. I was so sure, before.
But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don’t love him, not really.
The last two weeks we’ve spent every spare moment together, and it was a great distraction from the situation with Todd. Most of the time, I’m happy when I’m with him. Sometimes, he bugs me – when he doesn’t listen to me trying to encourage him to work harder at school, and stuff like that. I think about how I can’t really talk to him about anything and everything. I can’t even really be myself around him, can I?
I don’t know what to do with that information.
I think about the conversation I’d overheard that night of the football game. And I think about how much he annoyed me that night drinking all those beers.
The same thoughts go round and round my head, until I feel like I’m going crazy.
I lean forward, pressing my head into the steering wheel so hard it hurts. I sit up and rub my fingertips into my closed eyelids. After a while I stop thinking, and I drive home. I don’t speak to my parents when I get in. They try to talk to me, but I just look at them blankly, their words washing around me, and I go up to bed.
Mom sets a mug of cocoa on my nightstand, and I look warily at her. It’s a peace offering, but why? Last night she was ready to ground me for a month, at least. So what’s with the cocoa?
She snaps off the bedroom light and draws my curtains, and opens up my window. I see her looking across into Todd’s room.
‘Well, that’s better.’
‘Mom . . . They were shut for a reason.’
‘Don’t be silly, honey. The sun’s out, it’s a lovely day, and you’re holed up in this room with the drapes shut and the light on.’
‘For a reason, Mom.’
She sits on the foot of my bed. With a sigh, I dog-ear my book and put it down on my lap, sitting up straighter to look at her.
‘Is everything all right, Ashley?’
‘Yes, Mom. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.’
She shakes her head. ‘No, it’s not, Ashley. Something’s been wrong for a while, and don’t think I haven’t noticed. You’ve been quieter than usual, even when Josh comes over. And apart from these last few days since you and Todd stopped talking, you haven’t even been seeing him all that much outside of school. Ashley, sweetie, just talk to me. I’m your mother; you can tell me anything, you know that.’
I fan the pages of my book between my fingers so that they make a sharp, snapping noise.
‘Oh, God, don’t tell me you’re pregnant?’ There’s no joke in her tone; she is entirely serious and undoubtedly horrified for me.
I shake my head immediately. ‘No! God, no. Definitely not. We haven’t, you know.’
Mom lets out a huge breath of relief. ‘Okay. So what is it that’s eating you?’
I squirm a little. I’d tell her, if I had any idea what to tell her. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, lately. I’m just so confused about Josh, but worried that if I break up with him that’ll be the wrong thing and I’ll feel even worse; and I miss Todd so much.
‘It’s nothing,’ I say eventually. ‘I’m just getting stressed about school, and colleges, and Josh is stressed too with the football scholarship; and Todd and I aren’t speaking . . . It’s fine, really. It’ll blow over.’
‘What did happen with you and Todd?’
‘It’s . . . complicated.’
‘Oh, no, I’ve heard that one before.’ She laughs breezily, trying to make me feel a little more at ease with a tender smile.
‘I’d rather not talk about it, Mom. But he’s been avoiding me ever since.’
She sighs again. There’s so much sighing. I sigh in reply to her, and then we’re both laughing.
‘I really think you should try and talk to Todd,’ she says after a pause, when we’ve both stopped laughing. ‘He likes you a lot, Ashley. Callum said you’re the first person he’s really been friends with in a while. He’s so shy. And your dad and I know how close you two were before “complicated” happened.’
‘He’s got plenty of friends here,’ I point out.
Mom shakes her head. ‘Well, yes, he does, but that’s not what I mean. You’re the first person Todd’s really opened up to in a long time.’
‘Callum told you this?’
‘Yeah. He’s worried about Todd, and I can’t say I blame him. That boy’s gone through a lot. It’s hard for kids when their parents divorce, and he doesn’t get to see his mom any more . . . And you know about his grandfather. Callum told me that Todd actually seems to be doing better here. Not just better grades, but he’s happier, especially because of you.’
‘I doubt it.’
‘Would you please just go over there and try and talk to him? Just try. If he’s really that adamant that he won’t see you or hear you out, then fine, but at least you tried. I raised you to be a good person, Ashley. Would yo
u please just do this one little thing?’
I look at my mom, and how desperate she looks for me to give it a shot at patching things up with Todd.
‘Why do you care so much?’
‘Well for one thing, you’re my daughter, and this has all clearly upset you. And Todd hasn’t got a mother around right now, Ashley. Yes, he’s got Callum, but that’s not the same. Call it a mother’s instinct, all right? But I feel like I should try and look out for him a little.’
‘Okay,’ I breathe, caving in at last. ‘All right, I’ll do it. After I drink my cocoa.’
Mom grins and places a hand on my leg. She knew she’d get me to give in eventually by pulling the guilt card. ‘Thank you.’
‘I’m only doing this because you asked so nicely and you’re my mother.’
‘Oh, of course. Not because deep down, you really care about Todd, or anything.’ She’s biting back a smile.
‘Exactly.’
Chapter Fifteen
‘Ashley!’ Callum looks almost ecstatic to see me. His whole face is stretched into a giant grin and he looks like a five-year-old at Disney World. ‘Come on in!’
I follow him inside and through to the kitchen.
‘Would you like a drink?’
‘Orange juice would be great, please.’
‘Sure thing, no problem. How have things been with you?’
‘Good. School’s going all right.’ I shrug and give him a sheepish smile, not knowing what else to do. ‘Um. Is, uh, is Todd here?’
‘He’s not, actually, he went to the music shop in town. He said he needed some new strings for his guitar.’
‘Oh, okay. Well I can come back later, or something . . .’ I sip my orange juice. ‘I don’t want to intrude.’
‘It’s fine, don’t worry about it, really. He’ll be back in a few minutes. Sit down.’
He looks at me as if he expects me to say something.
‘I know he doesn’t want to see me, but . . .’ I trail off. I caved when my mom asked me to come see him; and I hadn’t actually been reluctant to come over here and apologize and explain. I was just nervous. But hey – at least Todd hadn’t answered, and I hadn’t had the door slammed in my face.