“Stop being mean, Annie.”
“No music, Madeline, only wind. I hear wind, you hear wind?”
I couldn’t hear the wind over the violins.
Sometimes it was one violin. It would start and stop, begin again, as if someone was practicing, trying to get every note right. Sometimes I would feel the utter sadness of the musician, the piercing grief, or a freeing happiness. Oftentimes, there were two violins, three violins, more maybe, playing off each other, playing together, sometimes a full orchestra with flutes, clarinets, French horns, oboes, basses, trumpets. There was silence between the pieces, as if the violinist was thinking, or mourning, gathering himself.
As I got older, and continued to practice for long hours, I would often recognize the music, both old and contemporary, but sometimes I knew that the violinist had composed his own work.
I do not hear the music constantly. In fact, I usually don’t hear it for more than an hour or two in a twenty-four hour time frame; often I don’t hear it for days and days. I can shut it off, too; I’ll get distracted, and it will go. Sometimes it’s loud, sometimes muted. I’ll hear it for a few minutes here and there, maybe in the morning and late evening, or at stressful or joyful times.
It does not interfere with my life in any way. I don’t feel that it’s an intruder. Rather, I believe it is a comfort to me, a companion, a friend, if that does not make me sound too insane. It is there, and I am there with it. But where is it from? My ancestors ? Is it a hereditary thing? A gift? A mini mental illness played out via music? My own mind constantly playing a violin? Is it savant-like? It’s extraordinary, there’s no doubt about that. Is it from God? A gift from Him? I prefer the latter.
I don’t know why there are so many secrets around my scratched and dented violin. I don’t know why it feels like I am practicing with another violinist, as if we are together, though he or she is invisible. Why me?
It is. That’s it. It is as it is.
I continued practicing my violin that night, sometimes hearing a lone violinist with me. I played until two in the morning. I went to sleep in my living room, on the floor, thoughts of dank shacks, pepperoni pizza, and sticky hands trolling through my nightmares. In the corners of my dark dreams, the violins soared, dipped, and crashed.
“Although you two both already know about my and your grandma’s will, we are here to finalize a few things for when I die in twenty years,” Granddad said, then winked at us.
Annie and I smiled, but it was strained. Granddad had needed assistance getting in and out of the car, his body trembling, and walking clearly exhausted him. We had helped him into the law offices of Hernandez and Associates in downtown Portland, a firm of forty-five attorneys, about five minutes from my own office.
Max Hernandez himself, the owner of the law firm, had been waiting eagerly on the sidewalk to help us in. He had offered repeatedly to drive out to The Lavender Farm to make it easier for Granddad, but Granddad had insisted on coming downtown. “I want to see Max’s offices again. I’m so proud of that man.”
When Max saw Granddad, he enveloped him in a huge hug, Max’s face crumpling with emotion that he did not bother to hide. Max’s parents had worked for Grandma and Granddad for decades.
“Your grandma and granddad told me,” Max confided in me years ago, his voice breaking, “that if I got good grades in high school, they’d put me through any college I could get into. I got straight As. They kept their word. They said it was a gift to my parents. Man, Madeline, my parents cried when I graduated from high school, something they never did. When I graduated from Cornell, they didn’t stop crying for days. I was interested in the law, and your grandparents told me to apply to law school. They told me they’d pay for whatever a scholarship wouldn’t. They kept their word. When I graduated from law school, my parents didn’t stop crying for a week.” Max started crying, wiping his eyes. “I love your granddad and your grandma. Love them. I’d do anything for them. You know my parents are retired, but he lets them live in that house on your farm for free. Remodeled their kitchen five years ago.”
My granddad tapped the shiny, wood table in Max’s expansive corner office with the tips of his fingers. “You two know the land is yours, and we have left you both a sum of money that will be paid to you monthly for the rest of your lives.”
“We told you not to do that, it’s not necessary,” I said. “Give it away, Granddad.”
“We don’t need it,” Annie echoed. “My trips to Fiji are at a bargain rate.” She winked at me.
When parents die, especially when the children are young, and the parents have life insurance and two successful businesses, the kids become rich overnight. In money, only. In life, in the heart, they become the poorest people.
“My dears, we have been through this before. You know that, for my own mental peace, and for your grandma’s mental peace, the peace she would have if she were still fully with us, we must know that for the rest of your lives, no matter what happens, you’ll be provided for.”
I caught my tears with my fingers. It wasn’t the money that made me cry, it was what was behind the money, which was, simply, love.
“Now, we have been lucky in business and with your grandma’s books,” he said, his face so pale. “Very lucky. We are here today, with our good friend, Max, because you two are the coexecutors, and after I die I want the money to continue to be donated to the people and organizations that we give to now.” He nodded at Max. “Go ahead.”
Max went ahead with a review of our grandparents’ money invested in the grocery store chain, land, cash, stock, investments, Grandma’s royalties, and so on.
It was quite a list. It was an impressive sum of money. About enough to buy a country.
Then Max discussed the donations that Granddad had outlined we make, when, and in what amount for years into the future. The beneficiaries included, but weren’t limited to, a children’s cancer association, scholarship money for needy students, an Alzheimer’s group, money for libraries and for young students to be exposed to the arts, a sum so generous to Youth Avenues they would be thriving for decades, and a food bank. He had also left money tied up in his businesses for his employees and their children, including full college scholarships.
“Girls,” Granddad said, reaching for both of our hands, his eyes suddenly desperate, plaintive, beseeching. “You must continue our legacy of giving, you must promise me that.”
“We will,” I said.
“You must pay attention to the guidelines, along with Max.” His hands shook like fragile birds, scared, out of the nest, unprotected.
“We’ll do it, don’t worry at all. . . .”
“Not a dollar must be wasted. I must help as many people as I can, even after my death.”
The birds intertwined between his fingers, in and out. “We’ll carry on your legacy. . . .”
He abruptly got up. Annie, Max, and I immediately stood to help him, but he waved us away, the birds dismissive, and hobbled toward the windows.
“Granddad,” Annie said. “We’re your grandchildren, we’re you. We’ll do as you ask. Please, Granddad, it makes me upset when I see you upset.”
“Every detail, Mr. Laurent,” Max said, honesty ringing every note in his voice. “Every detail. I will handle it personally with Annie and Madeline. You know I owe you everything, sir.”
The shaky, fragile birds came to rest on the windows, still, for a moment, as Granddad said, almost to himself, “I must atone. Even after I die. I must atone.”
Annie, Max, and I stopped, as if a wall of ice had suddenly appeared between us and him, unrelenting. He must atone?
“You must atone?” Annie said. “For what? For what must you atone?”
Granddad’s eyes were fixed on the skyscrapers and beyond, not seeing anything, and I knew he was somewhere we couldn’t go, couldn’t join him. It reminded me of the place my momma used to go when she played her violin outside and spoke to someone in French.
“For what, Granddad
?” Annie persevered. “What do you need to atone for?”
“But nothing I can do will atone for what I did,” he whispered. “Nothing.” The fragile birds went to his head, pressing against his temples. “I hope God grants me forgiveness, because I do not deserve it.”
“Granddad!” Annie said.
“Sir!” Max begged, distraught.
“Granddad, God will forgive you anything, you’re wonderful.” What was going on?
At that he whipped around, so quick for a very old man. “No, I am not wonderful.” His face twisted, flushed. “No, I am not wonderful. I am an awful man. A terrible man. I am not a man by any definition. I am unworthy, I am a betrayer, I am a traitor—” He stopped, his lips slamming together, his eyes not with us any longer, focused once again somewhere else, a land of pain.
“No, sir!” Max argued.
I opened my mouth but could not respond. Annie made a choking sound.
“Granddad, please, what are you talking about? What?” Annie said. “You’ve never hurt anyone in your entire life, ever—”
He held up a hand. Stop. “Yes.” His voice gentled, defeated. “Yes, I have. I don’t want to speak of it, but my whole life . . . my whole life . . .”
We were stunned to see tears streaming from his tired, despairing eyes. “My whole life I have tried to atone for my unforgiveable act, a desperate act in desperate times. It has followed me, like a curse, as it should. I have not had one moment’s peace, not one moment’s rest, and I don’t deserve it. I am ashamed, so ashamed. It is your job, Annie, Madeline, Max, to make sure that my atonement is complete. You will do that, yes?”
We all nodded, exchanging horrified glances, as a tiny iceberg melted down my spine. For the life of me, I had no idea what he needed to atone for, but I knew Annie and I would go to our own graves knowing we had done what our grandparents had wanted us to do with their fortune.
He slumped into a chair, the birds clasped together tightly in front of him, quiet, not fluttering, dead now.
He would say nothing more, not a word, as the three of us rushed to him, kneeled, anguished, the wall of ice between us.
One thing was clear, though: Our granddad was tortured. Absolutely tortured.
I know what it’s like to be tortured by guilt. In fact, guilt stalks me, like some black leopard intent on its prey, and I am the prey.
Why the guilt? Because I didn’t protect Annie.
I was twelve years old. Rationally, I know I can’t blame myself, I know that.
But, you see, what the head knows and what the heart accepts are two different things.
I was the big sister. I was responsible for her. I should have used a knife. I should have run away with her.
Click, click, click.
I should have, I should have, I should have.
“You’re trying to get me tipsy so you can take advantage of my innocence,” Grandma said to Granddad as he opened a bottle of wine.
“I would never do that, my darling,” he said, winking at her.
“I know, sexy man.” She waved her hand, a ruby bracelet from Granddad dwarfing her slender wrist. “But I wish you would!” She was wearing a purple ball gown, her hair curling down to her shoulders, her makeup exquisite. She had donned a pretty good push-up bra, too, and her cleavage was up and out there.
“You look radiant, Grandma,” I told her honestly.
“I do it for him,” she whispered to me, one hand half covering her mouth, although the three of us could hear her clear as a tolling bell. “I dress up for my husband. Isn’t he handsome? He makes me tingle.”
“He sure is, Grandma.”
“You minx!” Grandma said to Granddad. “You’re irresistible !”
Nola had made us her famous calzone and fruit salad, then left for her book group. Annie and I set the dining room table with Grandma’s china with the tiny blue flowers, lit about ten tea candles, and took the red roses that Granddad had bought Grandma, trimmed them down, and spread them amidst three crystal vases.
On the wall was one of Grandma’s longest paintings. It was a family of black swans, all at dinner at a polished table exactly like ours, with a chandelier exactly like ours, wearing their finest, most shimmery clothes. They were eating stacks of pancakes. Two swans were leaning together, collapsed in their laugher; two others were clearly arguing, one brandishing a pancake on a fork; and one boy swan had thrown a pancake at his sister swan. There were grandparent swans and two twin baby girl swans in high chairs. That painting was in one of her most popular children’s books ever.
While Grandma tittered and giggled while she ate her calzone, Granddad, Annie, and I talked about the farm, the two coyotes Granddad had seen on his morning walk, how the gazebo needed another coat of white paint, the rainbow that had arched over the hills, Annie’s work with a farmer who had llamas, and Granddad’s stores—they were opening three more this year.
Afterward, Granddad kissed all of us. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to go and lie down, ladies.”
Grandma turned her cheek up for his kiss and winked at him, so coy. “I’ll be in in a minute, dear, don’t you worry. Can you wait?”
“Yes, my darling.”
“I won’t be long.” She blew him another kiss. “My fires are on fire!”
I smothered a chuckle, and Annie did the same.
“But I’m always on fire for you,” she went on. “Ever since I was a young lady, I knew you were the man for me. Tall, passionate . . .” She giggled and whispered, “Sexy!”
“Thank you, Emmanuelle,” Granddad said, as he bowed slightly.
“My flames are leaping, my libido is on high, my lust surrounds me,” Grandma went on with that sweet, vacant smile. “But only for you, the man I have slept with thousands of times. Your touch still stirs me.” She patted her heart, and then, turning a bit, as if to hide her movements from Annie and I, she pointed to the nether regions of her crossed legs. “Right here, too,” she declared.
I smothered another chuckle. They were so dear. Their love passionate, unending, dedicated.
My granddad smiled again, his smart eyes softening. He loved my grandma to the core, as my dad had loved my momma. Grandma was expressing what she’d always expressed to him, only when she was sane she knew to do it privately. But still, who was around? Only his beloved granddaughters who knew, and understood, this love they had together.
She pointed again. “In the private spot! I still have it for you, and I’m going to let you take a peek in a few minutes.”
Granddad kissed both her cheeks, his hands cupping her smiling face. “I’d like that peek. Thank you, my dear.”
“Anything for you, my protector, my friend, my lover!” She glanced at us, halfway covered her mouth and whispered to our granddad, “You are a marvelous lover! Marvelous and creative and—”
Apparently that was a tad bit too graphic for our proper granddad, because he kissed her on the mouth as she smiled, and he said, “You all enjoy your evening.”
“Good night, Granddad,” Annie and I called. Annie had been in Fiji recently. There were still half-moon circles under her eyes. I’d asked her how her trip was. “It was explosive,” she’d told me.
About four states away a breeder, a man notorious for the horrendous conditions in his kennels, had lost his house. Apparently the heating system blew up and the house was blasted to bits. Strange that it blew up as that state was having a heat wave....
“Good night, lover!” Grandma said. “I looovee you!”
After Granddad left, Grandma turned to us and said, matter-of-factly, “He doesn’t know that I know about the other family and the candles that killed them. We had candles, too. From my parents when we left Germany, and from my grandparents who left Russia. The other family had candles, too.”
“What other family?” Annie asked, dropping a chunk of bread.
“I remember them. They were a nice family. A father, a mother, a young girl and boy, a teenage girl. Like us. It was them, they
were supposed to go.” She took her finger and outlined one of the blue flowers on the china.
Annie raised her eyebrows at me, while I felt the blood rush down my body like a flood was carrying it away and putting it in my feet.
“Where were they supposed to go?” I asked.
“They were supposed to go to the Land of the Swans, not us. Not us. He doesn’t know I know. It’s a secret. I didn’t know until afterward.” Her voice crackled, and I knew her mood was changing rapidly.
“What secret, Grandma?”
She gazed at me with two types of vacant expressions. One said, “I don’t know what’s going on anymore,” and the other said, “This memory is for me only. You’re not in it, you can’t come in.”
“There’s a lot of secrets.” She wiped the tears off her cheeks as they spurted and ran over the lines of age on her face. “And they’re all sad, they’re all sad! I can’t bear it.” She thumped her heart. “I can’t bear it! And he, he has had to live with this! Eating him up. Eating him!”
I took a deep breath, and so did Annie; I heard it. This was exactly what Granddad had talked about today at Max’s.
I reached out a hand and held hers. “It’s okay, Grandma, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay,” she argued, her head wobbling. “It’s not okay. Nothing is okay. They’re gone. Everybody’s gone. They’re all gone. Your violin knows it. I can see the death on your violin.”
“Would you like to go and walk by the lavender tonight? I’ll play my violin for you?”
“No, no, I don’t. I can’t be happy by the lavender or by the palaces or the leprechauns, I can’t.”
“Why, Grandma? Why can’t you be happy?”
“Because . . .” She burst into broken sobs, her slim shoulders shaking. “You know why.”
“No, I don’t know why.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. Was this real? Was it true?
“You know why I can’t be happy.”
“Tell me again.”
She spoke through her wrenching, terrible sobs. “I can’t be happy”—she leaned over her china plate with the tiny blue flowers and wrenched out, her old voice breaking—“because he left them there and he knew they would die.”