CHAPTER VII. LIFE IN THE COUNTRY.
"Here," said Mr. Sick, "is an invitation for you and me, and minister togo and visit Sir Littleeared Bighead, down to Yorkshire. You can go ifyou like, and for once, p'raps it's worth goin' to see how these chapsfirst kill time, and then how time kills them in turn. Eatin',drinkin', sleepin', growlin', fowlin', and huntin' kills time; andgout, aperplexy, dispepsy, and blue devils kills them. They are like twofightin' dogs, one dies of the thrashin' he gets, and t'other dies ofthe wounds he got a killin' of him. Tit for tat; what's sarce for thegoose, is sarce for the gander.
"If you want to go, Minister will go with you; but hang me if I do. Theonly thing is, it'll puzzle you to get him away, if he gets down there.You never see such a crotchical old critter in your life as he is. Heflies right off the handle for nothin'. He goes strayin' away off in thefields and gullies, a browsin' about with a hammer, crackin' up bits ofstones like walnuts, or pickin' up old weeds, faded flowers, and whatnot; and stands starin' at 'em for ever so long, through his eye-glass,and keeps a savin' to himself, 'Wonderful provision of natur!' Airth andseas! what does he mean? How long would a man live on such provision, Ishould like to know, as them bitter yarbs.
"Well, then, he'll jist as soon set down and jaw away by the hourtogether with a dirty-faced, stupid little poodle lookin' child, asif it was a nice spry little dog he was a trainin' of for treein'partridges; or talk poetry with the galls, or corn-law with thepatriots, or any thing. Nothin' comes amiss to him.
"But what provokes me, is to hear him go blartin' all over the countryabout home scenes, and beautiful landscape, and rich vardure. My sakes,the vardure here is so deep, it looks like mournin'; it's actillydismal. Then there's no water to give light to the pictur, and no sun tocheer it; and the hedges are all square; and the lime trees are as stiffas an old gall that was once pretty, and has grow'd proud on the memoryof it.
"I don't like their landscape a bit, there ain't no natur in it. Oh! ifyou go, take him along with you, for he will put you in consait of allyou see, except reform, dissent, and things o' that kind; for he is anout and out old Tory, and thinks nothin' can be changed here for thebetter, except them that don't agree with him.
"He was a warnin' you t'other day not to take all I said for Gospelabout society here; but you'll see who's right and who's wrong aforeyou've done, I know. I described to you, when you returned from Germany,_Dinin' out_ to London. Now I'll give you my opinion of "Life in theCountry." And fust of all, as I was a sayin', there is no such thing asnatur' here. Every thing is artificial; every thing of its kind alike;and every thing oninterestin' and tiresome.
"Well, if London is dull, in the way of West Eend people, the country, Iguess, is a little mucher. Life in the country is different, of course,from life in town; but still life itself is alike there, exceptin' again_class difference_. That is, nobility is all alike, as far as theirorder goes; and country gents is alike, as far as their class goes; andthe last especially, when they hante travelled none, everlastin' flat,in their own way. Take a lord, now, and visit him to his country seat,and I'll tell you what you will find--a sort of Washington Statehouse place. It is either a rail old castle of the genuine kind, or agingerbread crinkum crankum imitation of a thing that only existed infancy, but never was seen afore--a thing that's made modern for use, andin ancient stile for shew; or else it's a great cold, formal, slice of aLondon terrace, stack on a hill in a wood.
"Well, there is lawn, park, artificial pond called a lake, deer that'sfashionablized and civilized, and as little natur in 'em as the humanshave. Kennel and hounds for parsicutin' foxes--presarves (not what wecall presarves, quinces and apple sarce, and green gages done in sugar,but preserves for breedin' tame partridges and peasants to shoot at),H'aviaries, Hive-eries, H'yew-veris, Hot Houses, and so on; for they putan H before every word do these critters, and then tell us Yankees wedon't speak English.
"Well, when you have seen an old and a new house of these folks, youhave seen all. Featurs differ a little, but face of all is so alike,that though p'raps you wouldn't mistake one for another, yet you'd saythey was all of one family. The king is their father.
"Now it may seem kinder odd to you, and I do suppose it will, but whatlittle natur there is to England is among these upper crust nobility._Extremes meet_. The most elegant critter in America is an Indgianchief. The most elegant one in England is a noble. There is natur inboth. You will vow that's a crotchet of mine, but it's a fact; and Iwill tell you how it is, some other time. For I opine the most charmin',most nateral, least artificial, kindest, and condescendenest people hereare rael nobles. Younger children are the devil, half rank makes 'emproud, and entire poverty makes 'em sour. _Strap pride on an empty puss,and it puts a most beautiful edge on, it cuts like a razor_. They haveto assart their dignity, tother one's dignity don't want no assartin'.It speaks for itself.
"I won't enter into particulars now. I want to shew you country life;because if you don't want to hang yourself, don't tarry there, that'sall; go and look at 'em, but don't stay there. If you can't help it nohow, you can fix it, do it in three days; one to come, one to see, andone to go. If you do that, and make the fust late, and the last airly,you'll get through it; for it won't only make a day and a half, whensumtotalized. We'll fancy it, that's better than the rael thing, anytime.
"So lets go to a country gentleman's house, or "landed," as they call'em, cause they are so infarnally heavy. Well, his house is either anold onconvenient up and down, crooked-laned place, bad lighted, badwarmed, and shockin' cut up in small rooms; or a spic and span formal,new one, havin' all or most, according to his puss, of those things,about lord's houses, only on a smaller scale.
"Well, I'll arrive in time for dinner, I'll titivate myself up, and downto drawin'-room, and whose the company that's to dine there? Why, cuss'em, half a dozen of these gents own the country for miles round, sothey have to keep some company at the house, and the rest is neighbours.
"Now for goodness gracious sake, jist let's see who they be! Why one ortwo poor parsons, that have nothin' new in 'em, and nothin' new on'em, goodish sort of people too, only they larf a leetle, jist a leetlelouder at host's jokes, than at mine, at least, I suspicion it, 'cause Inever could see nothin' to larf at in his jokes. One or two country nobsof brother landed gents, that look as big as if the whole of the threeper cent consols was in their breeches pockets; one or two damsels, thatwas young once, but have confessed to bein' old maids, drop't the word'Miss,' 'cause it sounded ridikilous, and took the title of 'Mrs.'to look like widders. Two or three wivewomen of the Chinese stock, abustin' of their stays off a'most, and as fat as show-beef; an oldestson or two, with the eend of the silver spoon he was born with, apeepin' out o' the corner of his mouth, and his face as vacant as a hornlantern without a candle in it; a younger son or so jist from college,who looks as if he had an idea he'd have to airn his livin', and whoselantern face looks as if it had had a candle in it, that had e'en amostburnt the sides out, rather thin and pale, with streaks of Latin andGreek in it; one or two everlastin' pretty young galls, so pretty asthere is nothin' to do, you can't hardly help bein' spooney on 'em.
"Matchless galls, they be too, for there is no matches for 'em. Theprimur-genitur boy takes all so they have no fortin. Well, a younger sonwon't do for 'em, for he has no fortin; and t'other primo geno there,couldn't if he would, for he wants the estate next to hisn, and has totake the gall that owns it, or he won't get it. I pity them galls, Ido upon my soul. It's a hard fate, that, as Minster sais, in his prettytalk, to bud, unfold, bloom, wither, and die on the parent stock, andhave no one to pluck the rose, and put it in his bosom, aint it?
"Dinner is ready, and you lock and lock, and march off two and two, tot'other room, and feed. Well, the dinner is like town dinner, there aintmuch difference, there is some; there is a difference atween a countrycoat, and a London coat; but still they look alike, and are intended tobe as near the same as they can. The appetite is better than town folks,and there is more eatin' an
d less talkin', but the talkin', like theeatin', is heavy and solemcoloy.
"Now do, Mr. Poker, that's a good soul, now do, Squire, look at thesarvants. Do you hear that feller, a blowin' and a wheesin' like a hossthat's got the heaves? Well he is so fat and lazy, and murders beef andbeer so, he has got the assmy, and walkin' puts him out o' breath--aintit beautiful! Faithful old sarvant that, so attached to the family!which means the family prog. Always to home! which means he is alwayseatin' and drinkin', and hante time to go out. So respectful! whichmeans bowin' is an everlastin' sight easier, and safer too, nor talkin'is. So honest! which means, parquisites covers all he takes. Keeps everythin' in such good order! which means he makes the women do his work.Puts every thin' in it's place, he is so methodical! which means, thereis no young children in the house, and old aunty always puts things backwhere she takes 'em from. For she is a good bit of stuff is aunty, asthin, tough, and soople as a painter's palate knife. Oh, Lord! how Iwould like to lick him with a bran new cow hide whip, round and roundthe park, every day, an hour afore breakfast, to improve his wind, andteach him how to mend his pace. I'd repair his old bellowses for him, Iknow.
"Then look at the butler, how he tordles like a Terrapin; he has got thegout, that feller, and no wonder, nother. Every decanter that comes inhas jist half a bottle in it, the rest goes in tastin', to see it aintcorked. His character would suffer if a bit o' cork floated in it. Everyother bottle is corked, so he drinks that bottle, and opens another, andgives master half of it. The housekeeper pets him, calls him Mr., askshim if he has heard from Sir Philip lately, hintin' that he is of gentleblood, only the wrong side of the blanket, and that pleases him. Theyare both well to do in the world. Vails count up in time, and they talkbig sometimes, when alone together, and hint at warnin' off the oldknight, marryin', and settin' up a tripe shop, some o' these days; don'tthat hint about wedlock bring him a nice little hot supper that night,and don't that little supper bring her a tumbler of nice mulled wine,and don't both on 'em look as knowin' as a boiled codfish, and a shelledoyster, that's all.
"He once got warned himself, did old Thomas, so said he, 'Where do youintend to go master?' 'Me,' said the old man, scratchin' his head, andlookin' puzzled 'nowhere.' 'Oh, I thought _you_ intend to leave, saidThomas for _I_ don't.' 'Very good that, Thomas, come I like that.' Theold knight's got an anecdote by that, and nanny-goats aint pickedup every day in the country. He tells that to every stranger, everystranger larfs, and the two parsons larf, and the old 'Sir' larfs so, hewakes up an old sleepin' cough that most breaks his ribs, and Thomas isset up for a character.
"Well, arter servants is gone, and women folks made themselves scarce,we haul up closer to the table, have more room for legs, and then comesthe most interestin' part. Poor rates, quarter sessions, turnpikes,corn-laws, next assizes, rail-roads and parish matters, with a touchof the horse and dog between primo and secondo genitur, for variety. Ifpolitics turn up, you can read who host is in a gineral way with half aneye. If he is an ante-corn-lawer, then he is a manufacturer that wantsto grind the poor instead of grain. He is a _new man_ and reformer. Ifhe goes up to the bob for corn-law, then he wants to live and let live,is _of an old family_, and a tory. Talk of test oaths bein' done awaywith. Why Lord love you, they are in full force here yet. See what afeller swears by--that's his test, and no mistake.
"Well, you wouldn't guess now there was so much to talk of, would you?But hear 'em over and over every day, the same everlastin' round, andyou would think the topics not so many arter all, I can tell you. Itsoon runs out, and when it does, you must wait till the next rain, foranother freshet to float these heavy logs on.
"Coffee comes, and then it's up and jine the ladies. Well, then talkis tried agin, but it's no go; they can't come it, and one of thegood-natured fat old lady-birds goes to the piany, and sits on the musicstool. Oh, Hedges! how it creaks, but it's good stuff, I guess, itwill carry double this hitch; and she sings 'I wish I was a butterfly.'Heavens and airth! the fust time I heard one of these hugeaceouscritters come out with that queer idee, I thought I should a dropt rightoff of the otter man on the floor, and rolled over and over a-laughin',it tickled me so, it makes me larf now only to think of it. Well, thewings don't come, such big butterflies have to grub it in spite of OldNick, and after wishin' and wishin' ever so long in vain, one of theyoung galls sits down and sings in rael right down airnest, 'I _won't_be a nun.' Poor critter! there is some sense in that, but I guess shewill be bleeged to be, for all that.
"Now eatin' is done, talkin' is done, and singin' is done; so here ischamber candles, and off to bed, that is if you are a-stayin' there.If you ain't, 'Mr. Weather Mutton's carriage is ready, Sir,' and Mr.Weather Mutton and Mrs. Weather Mutton and the entire stranger get in,and when you do, you are in for it, I can tell you. You are in for aseven mile heat at least of cross country roads, axletree deep, rainpour-in' straight up and down like Niagara, high hedges, deep ditchesfull of water, dark as Egypt; ain't room to pass nothin' if you meetit, and don't feel jist altogether easy about them cussed alligators andnavigators, critters that work on rail-roads all day, and on houses andtravellers by night.
"If you come with Mr. Weather Mutton, you seed the carriage in course.It's an old one, a family one, and as heavy as an ox cart. The hossesare old, family hosses, everlastin' fat, almighty lazy, and the waythey travel is a caution to a snail. It's vulgar to go fast, its onlybutcher's hosses trot quick, and besides, there is no hurry--there isnothin' to do to home. Affectionate couple! happy man! he takes hiswife's hand in his--kisses it? No, not he, but he puts his head back inthe corner of the carriage, and goes to sleep, and dreams--of her? Nothe indeed, but of a saddle of mutton and curren' jelly.
"Well, if you are a-stoppin' at Sir Littleeared Bighead's, you escapethe flight by night, and go to bed and think of homeland natur'. Nextmornin', or rather next noon, down to breakfast. Oh, it's awfullystupid! That second nap in the mornin' always fuddles the head, andmakes it as mothery as ryled cyder grounds. Nobody looks as sweet assugar candy quite, except them two beautiful galls and their honeylips. But them is only to look at. If you want honey, there is some ona little cut glass, dug out of a dish. But you can't eat it, for lookin'at the genu_wine_, at least I can't, and never could. I don't know whatyou can do.
"P'raps you'd like to look at the picture, it will sarve to pass awaytime. They are family ones. And family picture, sarve as a history. OurMexican Indgians did all their history in picture. Let's go round theroom and look. Lawful heart! what a big "Brown ox" that is. Old "Starand Garters;" father fatted him. He was a prize ox; he eat a thousandbushel of turnips, a thousand pound of oil cake, a thousand of hay, anda thousand weight of mangel wurzel, and took a thousand days to fat, andweighed ever so many thousands too. I don't believe it, but I don'tsay so, out of manners, for I'll take my oath he was fatted on porter,because he looks exactly like the footman on all fours. He is a walking"_Brown Stout_," that feller.
"There is a hunter, come, I like hosses; but this brute was painted whenat grass, and is too fat to look well, guess he was a goodish hoss inhis day though. He ain't a bad cut that's a fact.
"Hullo! what's this pictur? Why, this is from our side of the water, asI am a livin' sinner, this is a New-Foundlander, this dog; yes, and heis of the true genu_wine_ breed too, look at his broad forehead--hisdew-claws--his little ears; (Sir Littleeared must have been named arterhim), his long hair--his beautiful eye. He is a first chop articlethat; but, oh Lord, he is too shockin' fat altogether. He is like MotherGary's chickens, they are all fat and feathers. A wick run through 'emmakes a candle. This critter is all hair and blubber, if he goes toonear the grate, he'll catch into a blaze and set fire to the house.
"There's our friend the host with cap and gold tassel on, ridin' onhis back, and there's his younger brother, (that died to Cambridge fromsettin' up all night for his degree, and suppin' on dry mathematics, andswallerin' "Newton" whole) younger brother like, walkin' on foot, andleadin' the dog by the head, while the heir is a scoldin'
him for notgoin' faster.
"Then, there is an old aunty that a forten come from. She looks like abale o' cotton, fust screwed as tight as possible, and then corded hard.Lord, if they had only a given her a pinch of snuff, when she was fulldressed and trussed, and sot her a sneezin', she'd a blowed up, and thefortin would have come twenty years sooner.
"Yes, it's a family pictur, indeed, they are all family picture. Theyare all fine animals, but over fed and under worked.
"Now it's up and take a turn in the gardens. There is some splendidflowers on that slope. You and the galls go to look at 'em, and jist asyou get there, the grass is juicy from the everlastin' rain, and awfulslippy; up go your heels, and down goes stranger on the broad of hisback, slippin' and slidin' and coastin' right down the bank, slap overthe light mud-earth bed, and crushin' the flowers as flat as a pancake,and you yaller ochered all over, clean away from the scruff of yourneck, down to the tip eend of your heel. The galls larf, the helps larf,and the, bed-room maid larfs; and who the plague can blame them? OldMarm don't larf though, because she is too perlite, and besides, she'slost her flowers, and that's no larfin' matter; and you don't larf,'cause you feel a little the nastiest you ever did, and jist as nearlike a fool as to be taken for one, in the dark, that's a fact.
"Well, you renew the outer man, and try it agin, and it's look at thestable and hosses with Sir Host, and the dogs, and the carriages,and two American trees, and a peacock, and a guinea hen, and a goldpheasant, and a silver pheasant, and all that, and then lunch. Who theplague can eat lunch, that's only jist breakfasted?
"So away goes lunch, and off goes you and the 'Sir,' a trampousin' and atrapsein' over the wet grass agin (I should like to know what ain't wetin this country), and ploughed fields, and wide ditches chock full ofdirty water, if you slip in, to souse you most ridikelous; and overgates that's nailed up, and stiles that's got no steps for fear ofthoroughfare, and through underwood that's loaded with rain-drops, awayoff to tother eend of the estate, to see the most beautiful field ofturnips that ever was seen, only the flies eat all the plants up; andthen back by another path, that's slumpier than t'other, and twiceas long, that you may see an old wall with two broke-out winders, allcovered with ivy, which is called a ruin. And well named it is, too, forI tore a bran new pair of trousers, most onhandsum, a scramblin' overthe fences to see it, and ruined a pair of shoes that was all squashedout of shape by the wet and mud.
"Well, arter all this day of pleasure, it is time to rig up in yourgo-to-meetin' clothes for dinner; and that is the same as yesterday,only stupider, if that's possible; and that is Life in the Country.
"How the plague can it be otherwise than dull? If there is nothin'to see, there can't be nothin' to talk about. Now the town is full ofthings to see. There is Babbage's machine, and Bank Governor's machine,and the Yankee woman's machine, and the flyin' machine, and all sorts ofmachines, and galleries, and tunnels, and mesmerisers, and theatres, andflower-shows, and cattle-shows, and beast-shows, and every kind of show,and what's better nor all, beautiful got-up women, and men turned out infust chop style, too.
"I don't mean to say country women ain't handsum here, 'cause they be.There is no sun here; and how in natur' can it be otherways than thatthey have good complexions. But it tante safe to be caged with them ina house out o' town. Fust thing you both do, is to get spooney, makin'eyes and company-faces at each other, and then think of matin', likea pair of doves, and that won't answer for the like of you and me. Thefact is, Squire, if you want to see _women_, you musn't go to a housein the country, nor to mere good company in town for it, tho' therebe first chop articles in both; but you must go among the big bugs thetop-lofty nobility, in London; for since the days of old marm Eve, downto this instant present time, I don't think there ever was or ever willbe such splendiferous galls as is there. Lord, the fust time I seed 'emit put me in mind of what happened to me at New Brunswick once. Governorof Maine sent me over to their Governor's, official-like, with a stateletter, and the British officers axed me to dine to their mess. Well,the English brags so like niggers, I thought I'd prove 'em, and set 'emoff on their old trade jist for fun. So, says I, stranger captain, saisI, is all these forks and spoons, and plates and covers, and urns,and what nots, rael genu_wine_ solid silver, the clear thing, and nomistake. 'Sartainly,' said he, 'we have nothin' but silver here.' Hedid, upon my soul, just as cool, as if it was all true; well you can'ttell a mili_tary_ what he sais ain't credible, or you have to fighthim. It's considered ongenteel, so I jist puts my finger on my nose, andwinks, as much as to say, 'I ain't such a cussed fool as you take me tobe, I can tell you.'
"When he seed I'd found him out, he larfed like any thing. Guess hefound that was no go, for I warn't born in the woods to be scared byan owl, that's a fact. Well, the fust time I went to lord's party, Ithought it was another brag agin; I never see nothin' like it. Heavensand airth, I most jumpt out o' my skin. Where onder the sun, sais I tomyself, did he rake and scrape together such super-superior galls asthese. This party is a kind o' consarvitory, he has got all the rareeplants and sweetest roses in England here, and must have ransacked thewhole country for 'em. Knowin' I was a judge of woman kind, he wants meto think they are all this way; but it's onpossible. They are only"shew frigates" arter all; it don't stand to reason, they can't be allclippers. He can't put the leake into me that way, so it tante nouse tryin'. Well, the next time, I seed jist such another covey ofpartridges, same plumage, same step, and same breed. Well done, sais I,they are intarmed to pull the wool over my eyes, that's a fact, but theywon't find that no easy matter, I know. Guess they must be done now,they can't show another presarve like them agin in all Britain. Whattrouble they do take to brag here, don't they? Well, to make a longstory short; how do you think it eventuated, Squire? Why every party Iwent to, had as grand a shew as them, only some on 'em was better, factI assure you, it's gospel truth; there ain't a word of a lie in it,text to the letter. I never see nothin' like it, since I was raised, nordreamed nothin' like it, and what's more, I don't think the world hasnothin' like it nother. It beats all natur. It takes the rag off quite.If that old Turk, Mahomed, had seed these galls, he wouldn't a braggedabout his beautiful ones in paradise so for everlastinly, I know; forthese English heifers would have beat 'em all holler, that's a fact. Formy part, I call myself a judge. I have an eye there ain't no deceivin'.I have made it a study, and know every pint about a woman, as well as Ido about a hoss; therefore, if I say so, it must be so, and no mistake.I make all allowances for the gear, and the gettin' up, and the vampin',and all that sort o' flash; but toggery won't make an ugly gall handsum,nohow you can fix it. It may lower her ugliness a leetle, but it won'traise her beauty, if she hante got none. But I warn't a talkin' ofnobility; I was a talkin' of Life in the Country. But the wust of it is,when galls come on the carpet, I could talk all day; for the dear littlecritters, I _do_ love 'em, that's a fact. Lick! it sets me crazy a'most.Well, where was we? for petticoats always puts every thing out o' myhead. Whereabouts was we?"
"You were saying that there were more things to be seen in London thanin the country."
"Exactly; now I have it. I've got the thread agin. So there is.
"There's England's Queen, and England's Prince, and Hanover's King, andthe old Swordbelt that whopped Bony; and he is better worth seem' thanany man now livin' on the face of the univarsal airth, let t'other onebe where he will, that's a fact. He is a great man, all through thepiece, and no mistake. If there was--what do you call that word, whenone man's breath pops into 'nother man's body, changin' lodgins, like?"
"Do you mean transmigration?"
"Yes; if there was such a thing as that, I should say it was old Liveoakhimself, Mr. Washington, that was transmigrated into him, and that's nomean thing to say of him, I tell you.
"Well now, there's none o' these things to the country; and it's soeverlastin' stupid, it's only a Britisher and a nigger that could livein an English country-house. A nigger don't like movin', and it wouldjist suit him, if it warn'
t so awful wet and cold.
"Oh if I was President of these here United States, I'd suck sugar candy and swing upon de gates; And them I didn't like, I'd strike 'em off de docket, And the way we'd go ahead, would be akin to Davy Crockit. With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey, With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey.
"It might do for a nigger, suckin' sugar candy and drinkin' mint-julep;but it won't do for a free and enlightened citizen like me. A countryhouse--oh goody gracious! the Lord presarve me from it, I say. If everany soul ever catches me there agin, I'll give 'em leave to tell me ofit, that's all. Oh go, Squire, by all means; you will find it monstrouspleasant, I know you will. Go and spend a week there; it will make youfeel up in the stirrups, I know. Pr'aps nothin' can exceed it. It takesthe rag off the bush quite. It caps all, that's a fact, does 'Life inthe Country.'"