Anna stared down at her cold herbal tea.
“I haven’t told him yet.”
Brendan nodded.
“Well, we’ve only just found out about Loose Women, but surely he knows you’re … oh my God, he doesn’t know anything?”
“I went to see my GP this morning,” Anna sighed. “I’d been feeling tired and kind of nauseous in the mornings. And I’m off coffee, as you see … I suspected, well, hoped mostly, so I did a home test. I went to the doctor’s today for a blood test, and yep, it’s been confirmed.”
Brendan cocked his head on one side.
“Question: why aren’t you turning cartwheels when you’ve wanted to be preggers for ages; and why haven’t you told Nick?”
“That’s two questions,” Anna muttered.
“I’m wait-ing!” Brendan sang impatiently.
“I am excited,” she said quietly. “I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. But I guess in Miami…”
“I knew it!” Brendan said smugly. “I could sense those pheromones wafting in the air. I’m never wrong about these things. Well, I’m never wrong about anything.”
Anna smiled sadly at her best friend.
“Yes, you were right. Again. And the reason I haven’t told Nick is … well, he’s been really preoccupied with the Molly situation and he’s worried about money.” She looked down. “I’m afraid … I’m afraid that he’ll just see a baby as … as a burden.”
Brendan shuffled his chair closer to hers and slung his arm around her shoulders.
“Annie, darling,” he said gently, “you’re talking so much horseshit, we have roses growing under the table.”
“Bren!”
“I mean it,” he said, his voice gentle but firm. “You love Nick. Nick loves you. You’ve both wanted a baby for a long time now. This is a good thing. It’s wonderful. Interesting timing, but still wonderful.”
Anna nodded slowly.
“Yes, it is. I already feel so much love for this baby. But I’m scared, too.”
“Welcome to the world, Annie. I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be amazing. Tell him.”
Anna nodded again and gave Brendan a watery smile.
“I will. Thanks, Bren.”
“Anytime, baby-mama.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“I can’t promise.”
“Bren!”
“Boo! You’re no fun.”
“Yes, I am!”
“Not.”
“Am.”
“Not.”
“Shut up, Bren.”
“Shutting up.”
“I love you.”
“You too, baby-mama.”
“Aaaaaaaaaagh!”
ANNA WAS SURPRISED and pleased to find that Nick was home when she arrived back after her two appointments. She was bubbling with excitement and couldn’t wait to tell him her news. Their news.
Brendan’s enthusiasm and sheer joy had been the confidence boost she’d needed.
Whatever their problems, she and Nick would work them out together.
“Hey, handsome!” she called out.
“I’m in the living room.”
Nick was sprawled out on the sofa, one leg hanging off the end, his t-shirt riding up his body to show his lean stomach and ripped abs. Anna’s mouth watered as her hormones went into overdrive.
She leaned down, kissing him softly on the lips, an invitation.
But he didn’t take it.
He kissed her back quickly, smiled, and sat up.
Disappointed, Anna plopped down beside him, preparing herself to tell him her news—to the power of two.
But Nick had news, as well, and he jumped in first.
“I’ve had an email from Bernard,” he began immediately, excitement rippling around the edges of his voice. “You know, he played Scrum-Half for the Phoenixes.”
“Bernard Dubois? Yes, of course. How is he? Is he still playing?”
“Yep, same position.”
“That’s great! Nice that he got in touch.” Anna paused when Nick didn’t answer right away, confused by the expression on his face. “It is nice, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Where’s he playing now?”
“Carcassonne Cuirassiers, a team in the south of France. They’re in Pro D2 which is a second division, but he says they’ve got potential. He’s their Captain, also assistant coach.”
Anna smiled, still a little thrown.
“Lucky him! I loved the south of France when we were there with Massimo. Is Bernard near Cannes?”
“Eh, I don’t think so. He said he was only fifty miles from the border with Spain.”
“Sounds great.”
There was a longer pause, and Anna’s eyes began to close as tiredness suddenly swept over her. She smiled to herself sleepily. Nick was going to be blown away when she told him…
“Nick, I have someth—”
“He’s offered me a job.”
Anna’s head jolted up so fast she saw stars.
“Excuse me?”
“Bernard, he’s offered me a job.”
“But … what sort of job?”
Nick’s lips moved as if he was chewing on the answer.
“Full-back.”
Anna blinked, not certain that she’d heard right.
“Rugby? He wants you to go back to playing rugby professionally?”
Nick lifted a shoulder, his answer coming slowly as if he was considering every word.
“They’re in danger of dropping down a league. He says I could really help them. I’d have to go soon though, because the season has already started.”
Anna fought to keep her expression neutral when inside she felt a tornado of emotions whirling around.
“And what did you say?”
Nick glanced away before meeting her eyes.
“I said I’d think about it.”
The ground shifted under Anna’s feet. All her hopes crashed, swept against the rocks of Nick’s palpable excitement. She swallowed, unable to speak, nodded then stood up and walked into the kitchen.
He followed her immediately.
“Are you upset, luv? Because if you are…”
Anna hid her face from him as she made herself busy filling the coffee machine, then remembered that she didn’t drink coffee anymore.
“No, no, I’m not upset,” she lied. “Just surprised, is all.”
Nick frowned and shoved his hands in his pockets.
“One more year. That’s all I wanted before I got injured. Just one more bloody year!”
Anna swung around to face him.
“But you’re retired! Isn’t that what this whole past year has been about? Finding something other than rugby? Make a clean break—that’s what you said! And after your last injury…”
“I know I can’t play at the top level anymore—fitness would definitely be an issue—but this team is struggling. I know I could help them.” He hesitated. “And what they’ll pay me will help with legal fees. I wouldn’t have to sell the Lewisham properties right away. It would give me a breathing space…”
Anna shook her head, confusion and disappointment making it hard to think. She looked away.
“It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”
There was a very long pause. The silence physically hurt.
“No,” said Nick slowly. “I haven’t made up my mind—I’m still thinking about it. But … look at me, Anna…”
She struggled to meet his eyes. Those beautiful honey-coloured eyes; those eyes that she loved to lose herself in.
“The modelling thing has been interesting, but even that’s not something I can do forever. I enjoy the photography side more, but rugby is … it’s been my life for so long. I thought I was ready to give it up, but it’s hard. One more year, just one.”
Inside, Anna was dying a little more with each sentence, with each hurtful word that dropped from lips she’d kissed ten thousand
times.
“But … your shoulder? Just because it’s not a top class team doesn’t mean to say that the rugby will be any easier. You know that.”
Nick held her arms and rubbed them lightly.
“I need this, Anna.”
She shrugged out of his grip.
“Then you’d better go.”
“Anna…”
“No, seriously, Nick, if that’s what you want, then go. I’d never stop you from doing something that you want to do.”
Her voice was a dull monotone.
“You don’t sound very happy about it.”
Anna shook her head.
“Because I worry that you’ll be injured again. And … you’ve only just gotten back from New York, and it’s been so crazy … I was hoping we could have some time for us,” she finished abruptly.
Nick tugged his hair back with both hands.
“You know I can’t sit around on my arse all day doing nothing, just waiting for Molly to drag me through the courts again. I have to do something!”
“I know that!” she cried out, then more softly. “I understand, I do. But going back to playing rugby … okay, say you do that for a year, or maybe two or maybe three. Then what? You’ll be right back here, at this point in time, wondering what’s next. Don’t you want to make those choices now? Don’t you want to see what else is out there?” Don’t you want me?
Nick’s expression answered her questions, and Anna took a deep breath.
“Oh. I see. Your mind is made up. Fine. Fine. Go then.”
“Come on, luv…”
“No, it’s fine. You go. I’ll stay here. Again.”
“It’s just a year, not even a year—ten months…”
“Sure, Nick.”
“Fuckin’ hell! I can’t do this!” His anger and frustration exploded into a barrage of words. “Why can’t you be pleased for me? I thought you would be! Jesus, we’ve had so much shit thrown at us I thought we deserved some good news! But you…”
He seized his anger and frustration, his bewilderment and disappointment, and bolted from the room.
He didn’t ask where she’d been and she didn’t tell him her news.
The words had turned to ash in her mouth.
Anna sat alone at the kitchen table for a long time. The clock ticked loudly in the silence as her world fell apart. She’d been so sure, this time he’ll stay, but he was leaving again.
The words she’d been longing to tell him had died in her throat when she’d seen the excitement in his eyes. He wanted to go, he was happy to leave. Again. Just days ago she’d admitted how much she’d missed him in New York, how she’d been close to begging him to come home, and now it was if she’d never said a single word.
Anger and resentment joined the misery in her heart.
Why can’t I be enough for you?
“YOU DIDN’T TELL him.”
Brendan’s voice was accusing.
Anna shrugged helplessly.
“How could I? You should have seen his face when he talked about the offer Bernard had made. He couldn’t pack his bags fast enough.”
“You have to tell him!”
Anna slammed her cup onto the table and herbal tea slopped over her hand.
“No,” she said with steel in her voice. “No, I don’t have to tell him. When he chooses to come home … if he chooses to come home, then I’ll tell him. Right now, I’m so angry with him, I—”
“Then tell him that! Don’t let him leave with waves and smiles if that’s not what you’re feeling!”
Anna gave a cold laugh.
“And make him stay because he feels guilty? No. He has to choose to stay. I won’t force that decision on him.”
“When’s he going?” Brendan asked gently.
Anna gave a hollow laugh.
“The beginning of next week.”
Her anger seeped away and despair took its place.
“Oh God, Bren! I thought that after New York, things would be different, but they’re not. He’s still searching for something and it’s not me.” Her hands folded protectively around her flat belly. “It’s not us.”
A small whimper escaped her and Brendan raced around the table and pulled her into his arms.
“I know he needs to work, I know he needs goals, but I can’t believe he’s leaving me again,” she cried.
“Damn it, Anna! Tell him!”
“No!” she yelled, her anger matching her resentment. “I won’t!” She forced herself to calm her breathing, if not for her sake, then for the new life stirring inside her. “He has to choose. I won’t make him do anything. He can go chasing as many castles in the sky as he likes—I will not be his ball and chain. I won’t!”
Brendan glared at her in disbelief and irritation.
“Stop looking at me like that!” she snapped. “I’m tired of being the passive one in this relationship, sitting back while Nick ‘finds himself’,” and she used air quotes, her voice quivering with scorn. “I’ve done everything I’m supposed to: I’ve sat back and supported him, given him space, encouraged him in his choices, and it’s never enough … because he doesn’t want to be here. With me.”
Brendan hugged her tightly, his own voice cracking with emotion.
“You’re wrong, Anna. He does want to be with you. You can work from anywhere, pretty much. The filming for Loose Women is just two days a week. You can do your slot then spend the rest of the week in France. They’ve invented these incredible things called aeroplanes—so go with him. Don’t let your stupid pride get in the way.”
Her eyes narrowed with sudden fury and she pushed his arms away, standing up and striding over to the kettle before turning and facing him.
“Pride? My pride? Well, you know what, Brendan? Yes, I do have some pride left. Not much, but some. Enough to say that I won’t go chasing after someone who doesn’t want me.”
Brendan tugged his hair in baffled annoyance.
“Of course he bloody well wants you! I’ve never seen a guy so in love with someone. I just wish someone would look at me one day with even half of what Nick feels for you!”
Anna sat down heavily, slumping onto the kitchen chair, feeling as if her body weighed a thousand pounds.
“I used to think that, but not anymore.” She laid her head in her hands as the tears began. “Damn you, Nick Renshaw,” she whispered. “Damn you.”
NICK TOOK OUT his frustration on the treadmill, pounding the miles until sweat soaked his body and his muscles protested. What was supposed to be a good day, him telling Anna his exciting news, had descended into … he didn’t even know how to describe it. But it had ended with him storming out and spending the night in the spare bedroom. The long silence of a lonely night had been spent tossing and turning, knowing that Anna was close by but out of reach.
Today hadn’t been any better. He’d woken up alone, a headache threatening to split his skull, and the oppressive silence had just grown heavier.
He was so used to Anna understanding him, he didn’t get why she stared at him like a stranger as he struggled to make one of the biggest decisions of his life.
He thought she’d be happy that he had a chance to play again. Yes, he understood that she was worried about further injuries, but this was more than that. He replayed the whole conversation in his mind, but it still didn’t make sense.
He’d heard Brendan arrive before lunchtime, so hoped he could talk Anna around.
Damn it! Did she really think he was the kind of man who could sit and watch her work herself half to death while he fannyed around doing nothing? He’d earned his own money since he was sixteen years old. He would not be dependent on someone else.
And now was the worst possible time to be unemployed. Bloody Molly fucking things up again—would he never be free of that bitch?
Nick heard the front door slam and knew that Brendan had left for the day. He took a deep breath and jogged up the basement stairs.
But Anna wasn’t in the kitchen.
br /> Nick was surprised to find her with her feet up on the sofa and her eyes closed. He saw the dark rings under her eyes and wondered if she’d spent half the night tossing and turning, too.
“Anna,” he said quietly.
She jerked, her eyes springing open, and he felt guilty for waking her when she looked so tired.
“Oh,” she said, yawning. “I was just taking a nap.”
He sat down next to her, placing her ankles on his lap and massaging her feet.
For a moment she relaxed, melting against him, but then remembered they were still arguing and she sat up suddenly.
“This isn’t working,” she said flatly.
Nick was confused.
“What isn’t working?”
Anna shot him a scathing look.
“This. Us. We’re not working.”
Dread plunged splinters of pain through his heart.
“Anna, no. We’re fine … we’re just…”
“No, Nick,” she said, her voice frosting. “We’re not fine. How can we be fine when you’ve been away for over three months, home for a couple of weeks, and now planning to move to France for the next eight months. No, we are not fine.”
Nick sucked in a shocked breath.
“Anna, you know why I…”
“Yes,” she snapped. “You’ve explained it all very succinctly.” And she turned her cold eyes to him. “Did you tell Bernard yes?”
Nick met her hard stare.
“Yeah. I had to.”
Anna nodded curtly.
“Then I think you should go.”
He looked at her cautiously.
“You do?”
“Yes. In fact, I think you should go right now. Why wait? You clearly don’t want to be here.”
Nick struggled to keep up. It wasn’t easy, because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing—and his despair, his utter frustration with what she was saying ignited his temper, which was then fuelled by fear.
“Jesus, Anna! Why do you think I do this? Why do you think I put myself through this, force my body to go on? It’s not because I’m chasing some ghost of glory, which is what you seem to think. I do this, I put my body through this every day for us! I do it for us!”
Her eyes were hard as glass as she stared back.
“I don’t believe you,” she said, folding her arms across her chest.