The Christmas Eve snow was falling lightly and Christmas music was being piped through speakers in the trees. I thought about what Robyn said about the first snow of the season being “magic” and I wondered what she would say about Christmas snow. I passed a few carolers and remembered how beautifully she’d sung both that day at the park and the night we danced together. It was like she didn’t do anything that wasn’t perfect or beautiful.
I found it funny that I’d come here alone. This was exactly the last place anyone who knew me would think of looking for me on this day or any other. I could truly disappear into the fair and no one on earth would find me. It was the last place I would have pictured myself as well, and here I was for the second time this season. I had to smile as I thought about what a good job Robyn had done, almost getting me into the holiday spirit… almost. I’d had a fantastic time that day with her. The games were fun and although it took me twenty dollars to win a two-dollar toy, I’d had a blast doing it. The food was great which surprised me and I loved snuggling with her on the carriage ride. Making snow angels was even a treat… although Robyn was the only person in the world that I could picture myself doing that with. It most definitely was not the least bit sophisticated.
I wandered around the market, going in and out of the same shops that Robyn and I shopped at and watching the festive crowd ride the rides and play the games and I realized that the spirit she’d instilled in me was gone and I started to believe that it hadn’t really been about Christmas at all. It had been about the fire she’d lit in the pit of my gut. She was no longer here to stoke it, so the fire had burnt out. I had to wonder what the rest of her life was like, outside of work. She was always so happy and upbeat that it was hard to be anything else around her. Surely she didn’t spend as much time alone as I did. When you were alone a lot you became introspective and it was difficult to reach outside of yourself far enough to touch others. Robyn was an expert at reaching out and touching other’s hearts.
I thought back over the times that Robyn and I had contact since the night of the auction. Most of it had been because for whatever reason, she refused to give up. By all rights, she should have run in the other direction by now. I hadn’t been warm, friendly or forthcoming about myself and my life, yet she’d still seemed to want to be around me. It was strange that I didn’t feel she was forcing herself on me. I believed that she just truly wanted me to enjoy Christmas the way that she did. She shared her story about her Christmas with her family with me and I didn’t share a thing with her. I had my own Christmas story, but mine was sad and depressing.
She took me ice-skating and she wasn’t the least bit embarrassed to be seen with me when I was sitting on the ice on my ass. She usually went down with me and we would get back up together and try again. It wasn’t at all what I had come to expect from people. People didn’t treat me the same as they did others. I was always either deferred to because of my status and money, or I was kissed up to. There didn’t seem to be any happy medium… no one treated me the same as they did their other friends and acquaintances - until I met Robyn. She didn’t treat me like her boss, she wasn’t intimidated by my status, and she didn’t seem to want anything from me, except to see that I was as happy as she was. On the other hand, I’d acted like Scrooge and I walked away at a time when most men would be jumping for joy. She wanted to kiss me under the mistletoe. The prettiest woman at the party had eyes for me, and I left her sitting there in the cold. I’d found a person who treated me like a human being at last. It was what I wanted, supposedly, yet I’d failed to act like I deserved it.
I continued to wander around the fair, turning down the offers of “fresh baked cookies” and “handmade trinkets.” Disgusted both with myself and the festive atmosphere, I headed back towards the parking lot and my car. I’d had as much “Merry Christmas” and happy families as I could take for one day, and I just had to accept that I’d messed things up with Robyn, likely to the point of no return.
I stepped around a pile of little boys, wrestling and getting wet and dirty in the snow. They were tattering their Christmas best their mothers had dressed them in for the occasion, but they looked like they were having a great time. I got back onto the sidewalk once I was around them and that was when I saw her. She looked beautiful, as usual. She had on blue jeans and a white parka. Her white beanie looked handmade and she had gloves to match. I stood mesmerized by the sight of her as she walked through the booths, taking long strides in her fur-lined white boots and with a smile on her gorgeous face. She looked like she was heading somewhere with a purpose in mind.
I thought about catching up to her and saying hello. Maybe trying to explain somehow why I’d left her sitting there the other night. I wasn’t sure how to do that without telling her my life story and I wasn’t ready to talk about that. I knew I should say something though. She deserved more respect than what I’d shown her so far. While I was trying to hide my feelings, I’d taken it too far the other way, I think. I hung back for a few minutes to see what she was doing, and when I saw her go up to the hot chocolate stand and buy three hot chocolates I was glad I hadn’t gone over. I assumed she was with friends and I wouldn’t want to dampen her holiday celebrations. I should have turned and gone back to my car then, but I continued to watch her instead. She took the drink carrier from the girl at the kiosk and again, smiled merrily at everyone she passed as she made her way back through the park in the other direction. I’m no stalker, but I was very curious about her life and what type of people she surrounded herself with that made her so happy, so I followed her.
She walked through the park away from the fair. I thought that was strange and she made her way down a little cobblestone path to the sidewalk. There were a lot of people out and about, doing their last minute shopping no doubt, so it was easy for me to follow her without her noticing for a while. Her white beanie helped, I could see it bobbing up and down in the midst of the crowd if I couldn’t see her. Eventually, she turned down another street. It was a little side street, not much bigger than an alleyway. There wasn’t much foot traffic and no way for me to hide in plain sight as I did when I was chasing her across the park. I hung back so she didn’t see me and when she got a few blocks away, I saw her turn again about a block ahead of me. That was when I advanced again, but when I got to that street, I couldn’t see her any longer. The street turned into a dead end and there was nothing there but a cobbled path that led to an old cemetery. It was a beautiful old graveyard that judging from the style of some of the mausoleums, looked like it had been around for decades. It was one that I wasn’t familiar with although I’d lived in the city my entire life. It was tucked away into its own little haven with statues of angels and intricately carved tombs towering above the simple gravestones. Big, sad looking weeping willow trees surrounded the grounds and gave it kind of a spooky appearance. I didn’t really do graveyards.
Frustrated with myself for letting Robyn get away and feeling creepy about being in a cemetery, I turned around and started to leave. That was when I got a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye. She was sitting down. That’s how I had missed her. There were two graves marked with an attached headstone. The headstone had an angel carved on one side and a Santa Claus on the other, but I couldn’t read what was on them from where I sat. I watched Robyn sit a hot chocolate on either side and then she took out the last one and began sipping it. I couldn’t see her face from where I was, and since I was still curious about what she was doing, I decided to move around to the other side of the graves so that I could. Walking around in a wide path so that she wouldn’t catch me out of the corner of her own eye, I found a small mausoleum that I could stand behind and see her face. I wondered what she would think if she knew I was watching her. She’s so sweet; she would probably just invite me over and ask me to join in.
Robyn was talking, animatedly. She was making hand gestures and she would smile and frown and grimace, just as if she was having a conversation with a living person. What struck me most were the tears I could see rolling down her pretty face. She was always so happy that it tore at my heart to see her cry. I wanted to go over to her and take her in my arms and make whatever was distressing her go away. I didn’t want to interrupt her moment, however no matter how kind I knew she would be about it. Watching her, I could tell this was something she’d done before. Whoever was lying in those graves was hearing about her life… I wondered who she had lost that was so special to her that she’d communicate with them like this even after they were gone.
Robyn spent at least an hour there, maybe more. I’d lost track of time, so mesmerized was I by watching her. I was once again fascinated by her spirit. Her tears showed that she was obviously deeply affected by the loss of whoever lay there, but yet she smiled through them for the better part of the time she sat there and talked. At last, she picked up her cup and seemed to finish it, pulled herself up off the ground and blew a kiss at each of the grave markers. Then I watched as she left the way she had come.
ROBYN