‘I fucking hate him now, do you know that, Reggie? He made my boys into what they are: murdering fuckers who have no remorse for that young lad whatsoever. That was Ray taking them into the Life at such young ages. But I am as much to blame, because I let him. I let him!’ She was sobbing once more.
Reggie took a deep breath and said, ‘There is something you need to know, Sharon.’
The timbre of his voice relayed his seriousness to her and she stopped crying and, looking into his eyes, she said quietly, ‘What? What now?’
Reggie Dornan held her hands in his and said gently, ‘Ray worked for the Wheelans. Remember Lenny and his outside deals? Well, Ray was their hired torturer. He was the one who took people out if they had crossed them.’
His words were sinking in and she was shaking her head in denial.
‘No . . . No, not that. I can’t believe that . . .’
But she was remembering some of the things that had bothered her over the years, the little things that Ray had said that had hit a nerve. Once they were discussing Lenny’s death with the boys when they were teenagers, and Ray had said that their dad had been wearing a dark-blue suit. At the time she had thought he had read the police report, or she had mentioned it, but deep down she must have registered that he had known more than he was letting on and she had assumed he was trying to protect her.
Now, looking into Reggie’s eyes, she realised that what he was saying was the truth. She had brought her husband’s murderer into her home, she had mated with him and she had handed him Lenny’s sons on a plate. She could not believe that her whole life had been built on another lie. A big, fat, stinking lie that made so much sense even as she tried to deny it to herself. She put her hand over her mouth and she groaned in actual pain.
‘What have I done, Reggie! Oh God, what the fuck have I done?’
He stood up and hugged her to him and he said sadly, ‘That’s just it, Sharon. You haven’t done anything, darling.’
She was staring ahead as if in a trance and he poured her another brandy and helped her to take a swallow as her hands were shaking too much to hold the glass herself.
‘You know what is going to happen now, don’t you, Sharon? You understand that this has to be redressed?’
His words penetrated her brain and she nodded. ‘He is a murderer for hire, Sharon. He tortures for money but, from what I can gather, he loves every second of it. He tortured Lenny and took him out, darling. Did you know Lenny had been paralysed – that he couldn’t move while he felt every cut and every blow? Jack paid off the Filth so it was reported as a mugging. He had to, I understand that. It’s part of the game. But, to think that Ray came to you, to all of us, as a wilting fucking virgin, like butter wouldn’t melt . . . And, all the time, he knew what he had done.’
Sharon felt physically sick at that knowledge. She had slept with Ray – she had given him rights over the sons of a man he had murdered. She had borne him a child, a daughter that he had infected with his fucking filth.
‘I am going to fucking kill him. I am going to remove him from the earth, Sharon. I don’t care that he is Kathy’s dad. She is better off without him.’
Sharon looked at the man she had alternately loved and hated over the years, but who she knew would always be a true friend to her and her kids. She had been duped twice in her life and each time by a man she had adored with all her heart. Was it her? Did she attract this trouble to her door? She had slept with two men who had both been living fucking lies. God, what was wrong with her?
She grabbed the front of Reggie’s shirt and said seriously, ‘I want to be there. This time, I need to be there. He destroyed my boys – Lenny’s boys – and his own daughter. He blamed her, not fucking Barton. I want him dead, I want him fucking gone from our lives. I need him gone now, before he infects us even more with his viciousness and his fucking hate.’
Reggie nodded and she could see that he understood her. He kissed her gently on the forehead and said quietly, ‘You can have that, darling. You deserve it.’
Then, calling Kathy down to look after her mother, he slipped out of the house. He had had to tell her; she had a right to know the truth about the man she had been married to for sixteen years. He had been the cause of her living a lie once – Reggie was not going to be the cause of that again. He owed her that much.
Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Six
Sharon had waved her daughter away eventually and gone to her bedroom where everywhere she looked there was evidence of Ray and their life together. She made it into the en suite just in time to throw up into the toilet, heaving up everything she had eaten and drunk that day. She really did feel as if her heart had been irrevocably broken. How could he have lain with her, played with her sons and laughed and joked with them, all the while knowing that he had taken Lenny away from them? That was the hardest thing for her to understand. How he could have loved those boys. And he did love them, she knew that much. Yet he had beaten their father to death with a crowbar. He had murdered him without even any malice. He had been paid to do it.
She remembered reading about women who had found out that their husbands were rapists or paedophiles and she had always thought: how could these women not know? How could they not know the men they lived with, slept with? But now she understood that it was quite possible to live a lie and not be in the least bit aware of it.
She looked at Ray’s clothes in the wardrobe, at his shirts that she had washed and ironed and hung there ready for him whenever he needed them. She used to worry that she had too much, and that it couldn’t last. That, somehow, everything had to be paid for. Now she knew that it wasn’t fanciful thinking or her Catholic guilt at having so much when others had so little. God, at times, did pay back debts without money.
Now it was Ray’s turn to pay and she hoped he paid out well. She’d had two men in her life, and neither had been what they had seemed. She had been fool enough to fall for them and love them and give them children. So what the fuck did that say about her?
She went downstairs to wait for the phone to ring. When the call came, she listened to the person at the other end without a word before she dressed carefully in jeans, a T-shirt and a cheap jacket. Then, smiling, she got into her car and drove away from her house with a calmness she had not felt for years. In fact, she felt as if she had been released from something that had been dragging her down and would have eventually been the death of her. She was playing The Eagles, ‘Hotel California’, and she felt lighter than ever before. She was in a wonderful mood when she reached her destination.
Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Seven
Ray Donovan turned up at Jack’s yard. It seemed that Elton had come up trumps and brought Barton there to await his punishment. And what a punishment it was going to be. Ray was demented at the thought of his friend with his daughter – his extremely young daughter – who he now felt was sullied and dirty. He would never feel the same about her again. She had been his sunshine, his happiness. Now she was putrid, filthy to him.
He had loved her, given her the world on a fucking plate, and what had the little whore done? She had humiliated him, of all people. He was so angry he knew that he would not be responsible for his actions. He had even thought about removing his Kathy from this earth, such was his anger at what she had done to him – Ray Donovan, the man of the fucking hour! How Barton must have laughed at him behind his back, the black fucker must have thought he had got away with it. Well, no one humiliated Ray Donovan and lived to tell the tale.
Inside the office he felt his guts turn to ice water. There was Jack sitting in his usual seat. There was Elton, trussed up like a Christmas turkey. And there was Barton and Reggie with sawn-off shotguns. But the worst thing of all was seeing Sharon – his wife, who he had raised from the gutter after she’d been married to that queer cunt Lenny Scott – sitting there, looking at him with a smile on her face.
Before he could say a word, Reggie said angrily, ‘Been sussed out, mate. How does
it feel to be on the receiving end for once?’
Ray knew now that he was beaten. He saw the other men with shotguns covering him, and he knew that he could not get out of this one. So he laughed – his arrogance knew no bounds – and Sharon watched his face as it finally dawned on him that this was it. There was anger and there was resignation, and she felt nothing for his dilemma at all. She laughed gently and it was a pleasant sound in a room full of tension. It also told Ray all he needed to know about his wife and his demise.
‘I gave you the life you fucking dreamed of, Sharon.’
She knew that he really meant what he said and, for a split second, she felt a great sorrow for him. But not for herself. She realised now that he had a completely warped view of the world that he inhabited.
‘I raised you to be my wife. I dragged you out of the gutter. I gave you what you fucking craved. A real man. But you got old, darling. You knew it could never really last, surely? No man wants the same dinner every night, love. And, as for you, Jack! I was the best thing that ever happened to you.’
Jack shook his head and said loudly, ‘You are fucking scum, and northern scum at that.’
Ray Donovan found it funny. He knew it was over for him and he was determined to go out with a big fucking bang.
‘I took out the queer who was fucking the arse off Reggie, his so-called best mate, Sharon. I did you and your boys the favour of a fucking lifetime.’
He opened his arms wide as if in absolute wonderment and grinned. ‘You were a good wife, darling. Like I said before, the only mistake you ever made was getting old. It was like fucking my mother in the end. You were always a mum, never a lover. But I would have stayed with you. You can’t help getting a bit long in the tooth. I would never have abandoned you. Even though you bred me a fucking whore.’
Reggie knew that it was time to shut Ray up. It was clear that, even on his own deathbed, he was determined to cause as much hurt as possible.
Sharon shook her head in abject disbelief. ‘You never made me feel like Lenny did. You never really touched me, Ray. You were a means to an end. As for Reggie, he is closer to me and mine than you could ever be.’
Her lies hurt him, as she knew they would. She had loved him once with all her being and she’d believed that he was the answer to her prayers. Now she hated him with every bone in her body.
‘I want you dead, Ray. I want you gone from my life and my kids’ lives too. Especially my kids’ lives. You really thought you were something else, didn’t you? Something special. You fucked like an amateur, Ray. You were just a pay cheque to me, darling. And now, I’m afraid, you have been sacked.’
Reggie pulled back the barrel of the gun and slipped the cartridges into their place. Then he said pointedly, ‘This one’s for Lenny.’
He took Ray’s legs from under him and, as he hit the floor, pain exploding through his body, Reggie was reloading again. Holding the barrel to Ray’s face, he said, ‘And this one is for Lenny, too. And his kids and his wife for that matter. And for me, as well. Fuck you, Ray Donovan. Fuck you to hell.’
Sharon watched as her husband and the father of her daughter died before her eyes. She could hear the gurgling as he drowned in his own blood. It seemed to her to be a fitting end for the man she loathed with every fibre of her being. She was amazed at how calm and collected she felt. For the first time in years she was free, and she knew that this was a good feeling. One to hang on to for the future. She needed to remember this moment, the death of her daughter’s father, the man she had married with such love and such hope. Would she never learn?
Across the room, Elton groaned – he knew he was next.
Barton grinned at him happily. He had dodged a bullet and he was in a wonderful mood. ‘You backed the wrong fucking horse there, son.’
Then he took Elton out with one shot.
Jack was laughing. Their ears were ringing from the gunshots and they were all relieved that the night was over. Jack stood up and, bending over Ray’s body, he spat on him.
‘Who would have thought I would have outlived you, eh?’
They laughed again.
‘Burn this place down with those two still in it. I have removed everything of value. Fuck them. Let the Old Bill sort it, useless cunts that they are.’
Barton and Reggie did as they were asked and, as they drove away in their separate cars, they knew that it had been a good night’s work. They felt justified at what they had done and they all breathed a very heavy sigh of relief.
Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight
When the police came to inform Sharon of her husband’s death, she was very calm. Too calm, they thought, but they didn’t comment. She was very polite and she made them a cup of tea, thanking them for letting her know.
Annie and Kathy, on the other hand, were in bits and Sharon did what was necessary, even though she felt like laughing her head off. For the first time in years she was light of heart, even with everything that had happened. Knowing that Ray was gone was the catalyst she needed to start the healing process. He would never be coming back and for that she would be eternally grateful to Reggie Dornan. He was now her hero, and that in itself was strange, considering the history between them.
That night she slept better than she had in years, and she turned a deaf ear to her daughter’s sobbing. Kathy still had a way to go before Sharon would forgive her for her latest escapade. It occurred to Sharon that she had changed in the last few days; she was harder inside, but she supposed that was to be expected. She didn’t know what the future held, but one thing she did know: Ray was gone for ever and he would not be there to corrupt her sons any more, or invade her life. That alone was worth all the pain and suffering in the world.
But Barton wasn’t getting off with anything either. Sharon rang his wife and told her everything about Kathy and her handsome husband’s affair. Sharon may have lost a friend, but she had also taught her daughter a valuable lesson in life. Never shit on your own doorstep.
Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Nine
Lesley Scott was in a nursing home when she read about Ray Donovan being murdered. She was over the moon with joy. Her prayers had been heard at last. Sharon’s husband was dead – another one murdered. Now she felt she could die in peace. Her prayers had been answered and God had turned His face to her. Her Lenny’s death had been avenged somehow. She felt that all the hurt and the heartache that Sharon had brought to her door had been returned to her three times over. Lesley could now let go and see her family once again.
She passed away that night with her ever-present rosary clutched in her hands. She had a smile on her face and the nurses remarked that it looked like it had been a happy death.
Epilogue
Nunc scio quid sit Amor.
Now I know what Love is.
Eclogues, Virgil (70–19 BC)
2014
‘You look amazing, Sharon!’
She laughed at the awe in Gerry’s voice.
‘Not bad for a couple of old dears, are we?’
Gerry was glad to hear the deep laughter of her dear friend. It had been a long time coming and she was pleased to see her enjoying her life for once. Kathy was smiling at them all – she knew she looked beautiful, so she didn’t need any reassurance. Her boyfriend, a money broker from Camden, was looking at her like he had never seen a woman before, and that made Sharon smile to herself.
‘Who would have thought we would be here today, eh? Look at all the people who have turned up for it. Times have certainly changed. Every Face in the country’s here, by the looks of things.’
Sharon smoothed out the peach silk dress she was wearing, and adjusted the matching hat. She was looking forward to this wedding. She didn’t know why, but it felt like the start of something new for them. She had finally started to live a life of sorts, but it was a different one now – a calmer, happier existence for her. It was hard visiting the boys in prison; they had got seven years each and they were in separate nicks. But they w
ould be out before they knew it. Kathy had grown up, and what had happened to her had given her plenty of food for thought. Sharon wasn’t too worried about her any more. Annie had passed away shortly after Ray’s funeral. And what a funeral it had been! She shuddered as she thought of it and pushed the memories from her mind. This was a happy day and she was determined to enjoy it. Knowing Annie was in the gatehouse had always made her feel safe somehow. She missed her.
A white Rolls Royce pulled up and everyone cheered as Reggie and his intended got out, smiling widely. Both were in morning suits and they made a beautiful couple. Reggie had met this man and fallen in love on a holiday in Mykonos. Geoff Tranter was tall, handsome and absolutely gorgeous. He was also a hard man. He was from Liverpool and he was fifteen years younger than Reggie. They were a perfect match, and Sharon adored him. It was funny, but she and Reggie had become very close and now she really relished his friendship and his humour. He was the number one now that Jack had passed away, and he was wearing his crown well. She wished him all the best.
The sun was shining brightly and, as they made their way into the registry office, Sharon felt the first ripple of excitement she had felt in years. It was as if, with Reggie’s wedding, his obvious happiness had rubbed off on her. She knew one thing for sure: she never wanted another man. Never put your happiness in someone else’s hands. She had read that recently and she had felt a strange urge to cry. There was such a truth in it that it had hit her like a thunderbolt.
What she wanted now was to live her own life to the full. She had money, she had property and she had her family. First stop was Australia with Gerry, and then they were going to see where the fancy took them. One thing she knew was that no matter what happened to you, no matter how bad life got, happiness – true happiness – was a state of mind. She had paid out everyone who had ever hurt her and now her new mantra was quite a simple one: don’t get mad, get even.