Chapter Twenty-Three
Bonnie...
Sparky managed to hold off the officers waiting outside my hospital room to speak to me until the morning. He told me we couldn’t go home because evidence was being collected so we are on our way back to the clubhouse. I don’t have enough energy to worry about that right now. All I want is to be with my son. Sparky told me Jason Junior is with Alannah at the clubhouse. I trust her completely with my son but I need to hold him myself. I need to see with my own eyes that he hasn’t been affected by Joe. When I found out I was pregnant I swore to myself my baby would never see the bad I have, and already I have failed.
For twenty-two years I lived in fear. My father terrorized me causing my childhood memories to be nothing but painful lonely reminders of everything I never had. My brother from a young age added to my torment and used my father’s hate towards me to make himself worthy of our father’s approval. From the age of sixteen Tommy further added to my hell. Between the three of them, they ruined my life to the point I thought I’d never survive. But I am the survivor and they are all where they belong…in Hell. I have survived their brutal and demoralising abuse and it has made me stronger.
I used to fantasise about the day they would all die and within the last year, they have all been taken out. Not knowing how they died never detracted from the point that they are gone and never coming back. However, I know exactly how my brother died because I’m the one who killed him. It doesn’t matter if I close my eyes or keep them open, all I see is Joe’s face when he realised the knife was in his stomach. It proves how cruel they were when they hurt me, never showing any remorse or regret. Because not only did I stab my brother, I chose to pull the trigger and shoot him and yet apart from feeling numb, I felt guilty. I took someone’s life. Does that make me the same as them?
“Hey, you’re safe now,” Sparky whispered in my ear.
Just because he says the words doesn’t mean they are true. I am free from the people but I’ll never be free from what I’ve done. I don’t know how much more I can take having to learn how to live with whatever is thrown into my life. Now I have tasted happiness with Sparky, it makes me angry that it has been stained by my past. Again.
During the ride back to the clubhouse Cas, Slade and Oak keep quiet. The gates open and the only thing that gets me out of the truck is knowing my son is inside. Oak and Slade disappear quickly whereas Cas stands in front of us blocking our way to our son. After the night I’ve had all I want is to hold my baby.
“Before you go in, I just want to say I’m sorry. When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong, I should’ve trusted you from the start,” he says sincerely.
I wasn’t expecting him to apologize. All this time I have wanted him to believe that I wasn’t working with my brother and he never did. Honestly, he can stick his apology up his ass.
“So you’re sorry for not believing I wasn’t your enemy and all it took was for me to kill my brother. I’ve done nothing to cause you to doubt me. You can keep your apology Cas, it means nothing to me. Nothing means anything to me anymore,” I tell him, looking him straight in the eye.
I mean it too, what am I meant to do now? Am I meant to be grateful?
“Bonnie, I don’t trust you just because you killed Joe. We’ve all done wrong by you and we should’ve dealt with your brother not you. I understand how you’re feelin’ right now but don’t let the right or wrongs fuck you up, you did what you had to do to save your family.”
“If you know how I’m feeling right now I suggest you move out of my way. I’m tired and I want to be with my son.”
Never again will I be put in a situation I am not in control of. For years I have been envious of people living their lives doing and saying what they want to make themselves happy. Right now, Cas moving out of my God damn way will make me happy. I don’t answer to him or anyone. It’s about time I showed them just how much shit I won’t tolerate.
A little amusement sparkles in his eye as he smiles and moves to the side. I don’t waste anytime walking away. Inside the clubhouse everyone is in a completely different mood to when I left. And once again as they all see me, they stop whatever they’re doing and stare at me.
“Where’s my son?” I ask.
This time I stare right back. I look everyone in the eye as I scan the room for Jason Junior. I don’t feel like a freak or feel self-conscious around these people anymore.
“Alannah has him in Sparky’s old room.”
I look to my side and see it’s Jilly who spoke. When I saw her speaking to Sparky a mere few hours ago I was jealous, not because I believe he would betray me with her, but because she had been with him before I came along. It was silly of me to think like that. As much as I want to change my past I can’t change Sparky’s. I feel nothing towards her now. I make my feet move and I head for the stairs. Everyone clears a path and remains silent. Focusing on seeing my son, I run up the stairs and to Sparky’s room.
Alannah is pacing the room while Jason Junior sleeps in her arms when I open the door. When she looks up and sees me she rushes over and hugs me careful not to squash Jason.
“I’ve been so worried about you. How are you? What’s going on?” she asks, all in a rush.
“Can you give me my baby?” I ask, stepping back and holding my arms out.
“Sure,” she says, quickly.
As soon as I have him in my arms and feel he is safe, everything begins to fall around me. I’m not going to break down in front of anyone anymore including my best friend.
“Bonnie? Are you okay?” she asks again.
“I need to be alone, do you mind if we do this in the morning?”
I’m not exactly asking her but at the same time I don’t want to be rude.
“Of course, where’s Sparky? Didn’t he come back with you?” she asks.
“I’m here” he says, walking into the room.
I turn my back on the both of them and hold Jason closer to my chest. He is okay, sleeping soundly in my arms. Thinking about how different last night could have ended is too real to think about. He was as close to danger as he possibly could be and didn’t know a thing. When I hear the door close and know we’re alone I turn to face Sparky.
Neither of us say anything. Exhaustion begins to creep in and I break our eye contact and move to sit on his bed. He’s kneeling in front of me before I know he had moved. I pushed Cas and Alannah away because I didn’t know what to say to them but with Sparky I want to tell him everything, I just don’t know how. None of it makes sense, apart from I’m tired.
“Please talk to me,” he asks, looking up at me with his hand lightly resting on Jason in my arms.
I look at him, really look at him. He used to scare the crap out of me with the way he would glare at me. His biker image is what I wanted to run from but getting to know him I ended up falling in love with him. He got to know me and his glares turned to lust…then love. He killed for me and I know if he had come home with me last night he would have killed Joe too, but looking at him now all I see is a world I’m tired of living in.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper.
Sparky...
Even in the pre-dawn darkness I can see her eyes are wild and doing the crazy dance she has going on sometimes. She’s not broken in the way she was when she first showed up here but she is definitely broken. I’ve often wondered how she has coped throughout her life, watching her now I think last night has tipped her over the edge.
“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?” I ask, fearing she is slipping away from me.
“I killed someone last night…”
“You had no choice,” I say, interrupting her.
“Yes I did. Every choice I’ve made in the last year led to last night. If I left after I first came to warn you like I originally planned, he would never have found me. It doesn’t matter if he deserved it. It matters to me that I have to live with what I’ve done.”
“Tell me what I can do to help you
,” I urge.
It’s my fault she was in that position in the first place. My brothers and I should have hunted the fucker down until we found him.
“I’m tired of being caught up in misery. Every time I think I can move on something pulls me back. This world is exhausting Sparky.”
“You’ve come so far Bon. You’ve been pulled down all your life but in the last year you’ve fought for yourself. Don’t let Joe take that away from you now. You did what you had to do to survive and save our son.”
“I can’t justify it like you can. I plunged a knife into his stomach and because that wasn’t enough, I held a gun and pulled the trigger. It scares me that I’m capable of that.”
“It’s called defending yourself. Do you think Joe, your father or even Tommy would give you a second thought if they killed you, and they sure as shit came close didn’t they?” I tell her, trying to get through to her from a different angle.
“I’m nothing like them,” she spits. “I was never made to live in your world, I’ve never belonged, I should’ve kept running.”
I’m losing her, I fucking know it. My gut is churning at the possibility.
“There’s nothin’ to run from now, why can’t you see that?”
“I may not have anything to run from but right now, I have a lot to run to.”
“I’m not lettin’ you go, not now. Not after everything we’ve been through. I can’t explain how much I fuckin’ love you and I know you love me too Bon. Don’t run.”
For the first time since I held her at the hospital she begins to cry. She is the only woman who has the ability to make me feel her pain. I should have been with her, I shouldn’t have let her leave on her own. I need to know how to fix this for her without losing everything.
“I do love you but I finally love myself too and I need to do this for me. If you love me like you say you do, you won’t force me to stay. You’ll let me go.”
I fall back on my ass stung by her words. I do love her and my son. I’d do anything for them. As much as my instincts are yelling at me to keep hold of her and never let her go, I can’t. This is the first thing she has asked of me, how can I force her to stay just so I don’t have to lose her?
“It’s not goodbye. You’ll still see us but I can’t stay here.” she says quietly.
She gently moves and lays Jason in the middle of the bed. When she’s happy he is safe and still sleeping soundly, she comes and sits on my lap. I can’t look at her afraid she will see how much this is ripping me apart. When she holds my face in her hands and turns me to face her I see the tears running down her cheeks.
It kills me when she moves closer and kisses me.
“Please Sparky, let me go. This is your life, not mine.” she whispers, pulling away far too quickly.
The urgency in her voice kills me. All I want for this woman is for her to be happy. After everything she has been through I’m prepared to destroy my happiness and give her what she needs.
“Go.”
Never has one word had such a devastating impact.
“Just please don’t keep my son from me.”
“I won’t.”
Neither of us move nor say anything. She stays on my lap and I keep hold of her hoping to prolong this moment for as long as I can.
“I’m sorry I came into your life, I’ve brought nothing but trouble to you.”
“Don’t ever be sorry, you brought me you and Jason. I’d go through all the shit all over again just to know you. You’re the best thing to happen to me, I just wish you’d fuckin’ see that,” I tell her.
She pulls away and stands.
“Why don’t you spend some time with Jason while I go sort myself out?”
Tell her to stay. Don’t ask just her tell her. She’s your woman and the mother of your child. She should stay where she belongs, here with me.
But she’s gone before I can speak. I pull myself up and lay beside my son on the bed. Sleeping peacefully he has no idea of the shit that is going on around him. One month old and he is already leaving me. The last four weeks have transformed my life to the point of no return. Fuck this, she had me going then. She’s in shock, she has always been on the receiving end and fighting back and defending herself has scared her, that’s all.
I cradle Jason in my arms and go in search for my woman. Most of my brothers have crashed out leaving Bonnie, Cas and Alannah in the bar talking alone. I look down at Jason again and I know I have to fight for my family.
“I take it back, I’m not lettin’ you go,” I call out, catching her attention.
She spins around and frowns. She quickly looks around the bar and walks towards me.
“You said…” she begins but I cut her off.
“We both said we wouldn’t run anymore. We agreed we’d shout it out and fight, then we’d make up. Do you remember that in the hospital the day our son was born?”
She nods and I carry on.
“Then shout, get everything out. Shout at me for not protectin’ you again! Shout because of the shit Hunter, Joe and Tommy put you through! Just fuckin’ shout and scream, anything but this calm fuckin’ shit,” I yell, trying to coax her out from wherever she’s emotionally buried herself in.
And she does. I see her deflate and she screams. One loud piercing scream. Barbie rushes over to take Jason from me and I run to Bonnie. I reach her just before her legs give out and catch her. I slide with her down to the floor and hold her in my arms as she breaks down. I fucking knew it, she was trying to save herself again. Deep down she doesn’t want to leave. She’s only trying to shield herself from any more pain.
“I want it to stop!” she cries.
“I know.”
“It won’t stop.”
“What won’t stop?” I ask, becoming confused.
“The guilt! Why do I feel guilty?”
“’Cos you ain’t a killer babe. I’m only gonna say this once more…you were defendin’ yourself. You survived!” I ground out.
“I don’t know what to think anymore.”
I push her away until I can see her face. I hold her chin and make sure she is listening.
“Do you trust me?” I ask her.
“Yes.” she breathes.
“Then listen to me, trust me to help you. You can’t see it now but you will get past this and I’ll be right by your side the whole fuckin’ time. We’re a family. Look around, they’re your family too,” I say, as brothers come to see what the hell is going down now. I get her attention again and carry on.
“You said you don’t belong in this world but you’re wrong. You belong with me. This is our world together. Don’t confuse it with your past as we’re nothin’ like them. I won’t lie to you and promise life will be full of fuckin’ roses but I do promise no one will love you as much as I do. I need you Bonnie. You listenin’ to me? I…need…you!”
I wait for her to say something. Fuck, her eyes are going crazy again through the tears.
I lean my forehead against hers. I don’t give a shit that we have an audience. Right now it feels like it’s only Bonnie and I in the room.
“Don’t run from me Bon…run to me,” I beg.
She moves her hands from my chest up to my neck. Her lips are moist and salty from her tears as she kisses me softly.
God, please don’t let this be a goodbye kiss.
“No more running,” she whispers.
I close my eyes briefly and exhale a rush of breath I was holding awaiting her reply.
“No more fuckin’ around, we’re in this together. Whatever happens we deal with it together, okay?” I say.
“Okay” she agrees.
I pull her back to me and kiss so fucking hard I can feel her becoming a part of me. Whistles and cheers surround us and she backs away blushing.
“Does it count as running if I’m carted off to jail?” she tries to joke, but I can hear the underlying fear in her voice.
“I’m tellin’ you now, you ain’t goin’ anywhere,” I say serio
usly, “But we are gettin’ up off this floor, my ass is fuckin’ numb.”
I pull her up as I stand and don’t let her go. Jason whimpering brings our attention back to the room. Barbie hands him back to Bonnie and tells her not to worry.
“You should both try and get some sleep. The sun’s already up and I’ll try and hold off Jake for as long as I can,” Cas says, coming up beside Alannah.
“And Lana’s right, don’t be worryin’ about this. We’re not goin’ to let anything happen to you again,” he tells Bonnie.
“Thank you, and I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier,” she apologizes.
“It’s already forgotten,” he smiles that famous Cas smile of his.
“Okay, we’re goin’ up. Call if you need me,” I say, already walking away.
Back in my old room Bonnie is sat against me holding Jason on the bed. There isn’t a crib here and Bonnie won’t sleep with Jason in the bed.
“Life has definitely changed since the last time we were both here.”
“Sure has,” I agree.
“All I ask is for as close to normal as possible.”
“Babe, there’s nothin’ normal about our lives. Compared to your old life, ours will be boring in comparison. So yeah, maybe you’ll get your normal after all,” I chuckle.
“Sounds perfect,” she yawns.
“Here, pass me Jason. I’ll watch him while you get some sleep.”
After a quick repositioning, my woman lays beside me while my son sleeps on my chest. I nearly lost them both numerous times in the last twenty-four hours and the thought alone cripples me. Life has definitely changed. I have changed. I used to fear taking on an old lady and becoming a father. Now I fear I’ll lose them.
No, it’s not going to happen. She doesn’t know it yet but as soon as nothing is hanging over our heads, I am putting a ring on her finger and saying ‘I fuckin’ do.’ I’m even thinking of changing the vows. Instead of saying obey, we can vow not to run. She said no more running, but just to make sure.
Who would have thought the war she came to warn us about would turn out to be a war between the two of us. The biggest fight of my life to keep her and a fight I wasn’t prepared to lose. A war of learning to trust in each other…a war of faith.