“Hello, Kassandra,” Mrs. Mimi greeted me as she stepped out of the controlled chaos.
“Hi. How did it go today?”
“Very well, I think. She didn’t speak today, but she participated in all the activities. She seemed quite bored during story-time, though.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she’s an advanced reader. She reads at like a fifth-grade level.”
“That’s splendid,” Mrs. Mimi, said beaming at me. “We have a library stocked with books. During story hour tomorrow, I’ll have Ms. Amanda, Ms. Hope’s assistant, take Megan to the library to pick out a book. You know I think reading is so important, and we want to keep encouraging her.”
“She’d like that,” I said before heading toward Megan’s classroom.
Peeking through the window in the door, I scanned the room for Megan, finally spotting her in the corner with Mandy. Mandy was chattering away as they pretended to cook at the small make-believe kitchen together. Megan wasn’t talking or even smiling, but she at least looked content. Every few seconds, her eyes would scan the room, taking in her surroundings. It was tough to tell if she was really enjoying herself. On her third sweep of the room, she caught me watching her through the small window. Sudden relief spread across her face.
She rushed toward me, throwing herself into my arms when I opened the door. I ignored the pain of her cast knocking against my shoulder as her small body quaked in my arms.
“It’s okay, Peanut, I’m here. Did someone hurt you?” I asked, pulling back to find out what had upset her, but she wouldn’t withdraw her death grip from my neck
“Are you sick?”
She shook her head again. I sighed. Refusing to talk in a situation like this was beyond frustrating. I wanted to shake her to make her speak, but held myself back.
“Ms. Hope, any idea what’s wrong?” I asked accusingly to her approaching teacher.
“She had a good day, but she kept glancing at the door. I’m not sure if maybe she thought you weren’t coming back or maybe something had happened to you,” the teacher explained.
“Peanut, did you think I wasn’t coming back?” I asked.
She shook her head again.
“Were you afraid something had happened to me?” I asked, grasping at straws. I was shocked when she nodded her head slightly.
“Oh Peanut, I’m fine,” I said, fighting back the urge to cry.
She pulled back slightly, intently studying my face.
“I promise,” I said looking in her eyes earnestly.
My tone must have reassured her since her death grip loosened.
I staggered to my feet with her locked in my arms as Ms. Hope rounded up her belongings.
“Goodbye, Ms. Megan. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” she said, smoothing her hand over Megan’s golden locks.
Megan nodded her head solemnly, but tightened her grip around me.
***
Everything was quiet as usual when we arrived home. Megan went off to search for Mom while I headed to my room to drop off my junk. I pulled my iPhone from my purse and scrolled through the text messages I had missed. The first few were from Colton.
Hey where did u go????
R U ok?
Is this because of Lacey?
His concern was touching and brought a smile to my face. Lacey’s messages on the other hand, not so much.
So where are you?
Are you still being melodramatic?
Kassandraaaaaaaa???????
Ugh, stop being a cow and text me back.
Whatever, I sighed. Even electronically her sarcasm was crystal clear.
Deciding it wasn’t worth the drama, I kept my reply neutral.
Sorry had to pick Megan up from school.
Her answer came back almost instantly.
Ms. Hanson is majorly pissed at you for skipping cheerleading again.
She’ll get over it. I texted, aggravated that it was even an issue.
Well you are the captain after all.
With that, my frustration reached a boiling point.
Lacey could you stop being a selfish bitch for just one moment. I mean seriously my dad just died. I don’t give a shit about cheerleading right now! I typed out roughly on my phone before thrusting it across my bed in disgust.
I heard it chirp beside me as I scrambled off my bed, but chose to ignore it. The irony of the situation didn’t escape me. My dad had teased me for years about my iPhone being one of my appendages. Well, I guess it just got amputated.
I headed across the hall to see if my mom was in the guest room, but found it empty. Closing the door behind me, I set off toward the suite my parents had shared. That room appeared to be empty too, until I was startled by a faint noise coming from the closet. Treading lightly across the hardwood floors in my bare feet, I approached the closet with sudden apprehension. A rustling thud once again spooked me, making my heart skip a beat. I took a deep breath to ready myself only to be taken completely aback when I opened the doors. To say I wasn’t prepared for what I saw would be a monumental understatement.
There was my mom, huddled on the floor of my dad’s side of the closet wearing multiple layers of his clothing. She continued to reach up and pull more clothing down, sending discarded hangers ricocheting off the walls and onto the floor. As if the sight wasn’t disturbing enough, I spotted Megan, completely frightened and huddled off at the back of the closet watching my mom.
“Mom, you have to stop,” I said, kneeling down in front of her, trying to block Megan’s view.
“I can’t,” she wailed. “I miss him so much. I miss his warmth, his voice, the way he smelled,” she said, lifting his shirt to her face and inhaling deeply.
“You have to,” I emphasized, looking over my shoulder at Megan.
She looked beyond me at Megan’s wide-eyed gaze.
I grasped onto her hands, dragging her to her feet. She swayed slightly in front of me, looking a little unsteady, so I took her by the arm and lead her to her bed. “You need to rest,” I said, taking in the dark circles under her eyes as I helped her pull the extra layers of clothing off. “You look like death,” I added, instantly regretting my choice of words when she stiffened.
I gently pushed her back against the mattress and covered her up with the folded afghan at the foot of her bed. Megan stood by watching while I left the room briefly to retrieve a cup of water and the bottle of sleeping pills the doctor had prescribed.
“Here, take these,” I said, holding out two pills from the bottle.
She shook her head no.
“Yes, Mom, you need to sleep so you can start functioning.”
“I don’t want to sleep,” she said stubbornly.
“You have to! We need you,” I said, once again looking at Megan.
She followed my gaze with fresh tears leaking from her eyes. “I’m sorry, baby,” she said to Megan, finally cupping the pills in her hand before tossing them in her mouth.
It didn’t take long for the strong narcotics to take effect and she was softly snoring. Megan and I stood side by side for a few minutes, watching her sleep before we left her room together.
“How about pizza?” I asked as we walked into the kitchen.
She stared at me silently, still shell-shocked from witnessing mom’s meltdown.
“We’ll have a pizza party in the family room, okay? We’ll watch movies, eat junk food, and paint our nails.”
My enticing offer worked and she nodded her consent.
“One-two-three-four,” I tapped out, sending the large garage rocking into our usual Thursday night jam session. I pounded out the beat on the drums. In front of me, John wailed on his guitar, Dex was killing it on bass, and Drake totally owned our small group of admirers the way he belted out our lyrics into the microphone.
In between sets, I swiped the beaded up sweat on my forehead with the back of my hand, catching the admiring gaze of Miranda. Of course, I wished it was someone else. I shook my head to dislodge the thoughts of
Kassandra. I didn’t need the distraction at the moment. Miranda was cool, and I knew she was into me. She looked at me appraisingly when I returned her smile. When we launched into our next set, I kept my eyes fixated on her, taking in every curve of her body. She returned my heated glance as we eye-flirted throughout the song.
The small crowd cheered as I rolled through my solo. I grinned at them, tossing my drumsticks up above my head and catching them at the last moment as I continued on.
“Dude, you rocked,” John said, knocking his knuckles against mine as we sat around after the last song. “It’s good to have you back. The jams just weren’t the same.”
“Yeah, we missed your sorry loser ass,” Drake added, throwing a mock punch at my shoulder.
I shrugged my shoulders as I pulled on my t-shirt that had been discarded halfway through the set. I was just grateful they didn’t want to hash out my reason for bailing lately. They had been around me enough over the years, and had even witnessed some of the poundings I had endured from dad.
Dex opened his mouth to ask me a question when a pair of smooth cool hands reached up behind me to cover my eyes.
“Guess who?” Miranda whispered in my ear as she pressed her body snug up against my back.
“Ummm, Shannon,” I teased.
“Guess again,” she said, breathing into my ear before leaving a nip on my earlobe.
My body responded and in one fluid movement I twisted around so she was locked in my arms. I slowly backed us out of the garage with my hands locked firmly on her hips, keeping her right where I wanted her the most. Her eyes sparkled with anticipation as my mouth crashed down on hers. Thrusting my tongue deep in her mouth, I pretended she was the one person I wasn’t allowed to have. I moved one hand up under her shirt while my other hand snaked around to her backside so I could pull her tightly up against me.
I woke up late for school Friday morning, stiff from sleeping on the couch with Megan the night before. We stayed up later than we should have watching old Disney movies in a vain effort to lighten the mood. Megan crashed around midnight, but I stayed up several more hours before finally falling into an uneasy slumber.
I left Megan sleeping on the couch while I hurried upstairs to get ready for school. I didn't have time for a shower, so I just sponged off a little and threw on my comfy cheerleading sweats I normally wore after the football games. My hair got swept up on top of my head in a messy bun with an oversized clip. The dark circles under my eyes could have used some attention, but I didn't feel like putting in the effort to cover them up, so after a touch of eyeliner and some lip gloss, I was ready to go. I snatched up my book bag off the floor and my iPhone, which was ready to die, off my bed where I had left it.
I checked on Mom before heading down stairs with a change of clothes for Megan. She was still zonked out on her side of the bed so I softly closed the door behind me.
Megan was sitting up blurry eyed on the couch when I returned. “Here, Peanut, put these on quick, we’re running behind. I’m going to go grab you something for breakfast,” I added, heading toward the kitchen.
I grabbed a couple packages of Pop-Tarts from the pantry, a juice box for Megan and a diet Coke for me from the fridge before hurrying back out of the room after seeing the time.
“Great, nothing like getting to school late on my second day back,” I muttered to myself when I realized the bell for first period was most likely ringing at that moment.
Megan was still sitting on the couch in her pajamas when I returned. “Megan, I told you to hurry,” I said sharply, pulling her attention from the cartoon on the television.
Her eyes widened at my sharp tone, but my lack of sleep kept me from feeling bad. I hurried her along, not taking the care I probably should have to be gentle. Her casted arm snagged on her shirt as I tried to pull it on.
She remained silent, but I noticed her draw in a gasp of pain. I felt remorseful, but ignored it as I steered her upstairs to brush her teeth. The added responsibility of getting her ready in the morning irritated me today, and I threw a resentful glance toward my parents’ suite as I waited in the hallway for Megan to exit the bathroom.
Looking at Megan as we headed downstairs, I felt terrible about taking my frustration out on her. It wasn’t her fault Mom hadn't recovered yet. I reached over and grabbed her hand as we reached the bottom step. She was still obviously hurt when she looked up at me.
“Sorry, Peanut, I’m just grumpy this morning, okay?”
She nodded, but I could still see she didn’t quite believe me. I really couldn’t blame her since my track record with her wasn’t all that great. Only a month ago, I treated her much like a gnat buzzing around my head bugging me. I had made a promise to myself at the hospital that I would put my family above all else from that point on. It was the last gift I could think of to give my father. I would have to win her trust and my grumpy mood this morning had not helped matters, but I would try harder in the future.
***
My day only went further downhill after that. Lacey gave me the silent treatment when I finally got to school halfway through second period. I tried to make amends for my bitchy text the day before by passing her a note, but she crumpled it up and tossed it aside without bothering to look at it. She leaned over to whisper something to Allie who glanced back at me and snickered. By the time third period started, I could tell Lacey had been busy, judging by the snubs from my other friends. When lunch came around, I wasn't in the mood to deal with anymore drama and wound up hiding out in the library, and by the end of the day, I was over all the whispering and stares my so-called friends were shooting my way. I couldn't believe Lacey had allowed my text to get so blown out of proportion.
When the last bell rang, I headed off to the girls’ locker room.
“Oh, now she’s interested in the squad,” I heard Lacey say snidely behind my back.
I ignored her dig and headed to Mrs. Hanson’s office in the far corner of the locker room. I tapped lightly on the door before pushing it open. Mrs. Hanson looked up from the stack of flyers she was sorting through.
“Kassandra, it’s so good to have you back. How are you doing?” she asked, giving me a tight hug.
“Okay,” I said, stepping back after an appropriate amount of grief-hugging time had passed. “Sorry about missing practice yesterday, I had to pick up my sister from her new school.”
“Oh honey, that's fine. I really didn’t expect you back until Monday.”
So, she was pissed about me missing cheerleading, huh? I thought. God, Lacey is such a bitch.
Ms. Hanson’s kindness made me almost regret the decision I had made the night before, but I knew it was for the best.
“Actually, Ms. Hanson, I want to step down from the squad.”
“What?” she squawked in disbelief. “The season's almost over. I though you wanted a cheerleading scholarship?”
“I just won’t have the time. My family needs me right now. Plus, I kind of need a break from all the drama.”
She sighed at my words. “Girls,” she muttered, looking out beyond the door behind me. “Are you sure?” she asked, looking back at me.
I nodded as tears welled up at the thought of losing something else important in my life. Cheerleading had been a part of my life for as long as I could remember. “I’m sure,” I said, swallowing hard.
She nodded her consent and wrapped me in a tight hug. “We’ll miss you. You’ve been the best captain this school has had in years.”
"Thanks," I nodded as I turned to leave.
“Kassandra?’
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let them get to you. I'm here if you have any trouble.”
“I won’t,” I said, walking out the door without saying a word to the girls who I had spent half my life hanging out with.
Rumors of Kassandra quitting the cheerleading squad spread like wildfire throughout the school, along with the fact that she was on the outs with some of her friends. It must suck to have everyone
in your business, but I guess that was the price of popularity in this school. Of course, everyone had an opinion. Those that resented the more popular crowd gloated like they had won some sort of war or something. Then, there were others who were sucking up to Lacey for some reason, like maybe this was their chance to get close? I didn't get it. All I could think about was Kassandra and the fact that her so-called friends could be so shitty when she needed them the most. Their lack of loyalty made me want to smack the smug looks from their faces.
As the days passed, I would catch glimpses of Kassandra in the hallways from one class to the next. She rarely talked, and I never saw her smile. Much to my annoyance, Colton was the one friend who seemed to stand by her, and I often saw them eating lunch together under the big pine trees in the courtyard. They never seemed to talk much, but Kassandra at least seemed happier when she was with him. I was grudgingly grateful to him for sticking by her.
October flowed into November and November faded into December. Kassandra seemed to withdraw further into her shell until eventually, even her lunches with Colton ended. She was like a leaf in the wind that just slowly floated away.
School lost its luster for me as I slowly faded into the background, shutting myself off from everyone. Colton stuck by me, but seemed to be dealing with his own personal demons.
Leaving the cheerleading squad was the catalyst that separated my old life from my new life. I had to endure Lacey’s snarky remarks for weeks, but I became the queen at biting my tongue and keeping my retorts to myself. Acknowledging her would have only made her believe she was more important than she really was.
November was tough, celebrating our first family holiday without my dad. We wound up going to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving since my mom wasn’t up to fixing her traditional spread. The meal was okay, but nowhere near as good as what we were used to. I was relieved to finally put the day behind us, but worried about making it through Christmas. It was Dad's favorite holiday.