Truths so filled with anger and longing and bitterness that I fear they will rise up from the page and wrap around ma, squeezing tighter and tighter until my last breath is gone.
Cruel irony Papa since where I am that could not happen even if I hoped for it. Prayed for it if I still prayed, which I used to like my mother but now I do not.
Even with all that Papa I love you. You are my papa still. The father who knew how much I loved the smell of lilacs. With whom I spoke Russian even though Mama preferred English. I know you wanted a son when I was born. Your Anastasia, you fourth daughter the story goes that you had to take a walk outside to compose yourself after your disappointment that day. May be that explains how restless I always was. How much I wanted to be moving running, laughing .As though the boy you hoped for lived a little inside me and made girlish pursuits dull.
If you were here with me now, Papa, I would tell you this. I forgive you for wanting me to what I would not be. And I forgive you for wanting me to be what I could not be. And I forgive you your weakness as I hope you have
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Forgiven me mine. As I love you my papa I believe in my heart that you loved me, loved Mama and our family. That you wanted the best for us and for Russia and its people. These things are true.
But here is another truth Papa. One that is harder to forgive. A truth from your fourth daughter, who knew more than you thought she did and less than she needed to.
You did not love your first son. The one who came before Alenei , and before you married Mama. You did not love Nickton. Or if you did you tucked that love inside yourself so deep and far away that you could no longer find it. Like I am hidden here at the witch Baba Gaga's deep in her forest and ever on the move so that even if someone wanted to reach would be nearly impossible.
So I say again-you did not love him. But I did. Even more, I think because he was forbidden. I do believe now that his being outcast was part of it. Because as much as daughters love their father a part of them longs to rebel. To become women in their own eight and not just someone's daughter or someone's grand daughter .
If the history books ever write of me, I wonder what they will say. How will they know of this mall rebellion that became
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Something I never wanted? And if they do how will they see me? Like the American women I used to look at in the newspapers. The ones who bobbed their hair or the ones who chained themselves to the White House fence the year I turned sixteen so the American President , Woodrow Wilson, would know how serious they were about wanting the right to vote? If somehow my story is told will people think I was strong like them?
Or still they only see me as another sad, young Rasenina created by Mr. Tolstoy - just another Russian woman who loved badly and paid the price even if mine was not a romantic love but a love for a brother, a love for someone she thought deserved more than what he had been given?
Do you like stories papa? Well, let me tell you one you have not heard . It is my story the tale of the tsar's youngest daughter a wild headstrong girl. A girl you named Anastasia. Your daughter with the light brown hair you said was so pretty and the blue eyes exactly like your own. Your youngest girl who liked games and races and listening to her mother and tales. A wonderful life.
Until it was not.
Until things changed for us and I went
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in search of the brother I knew I had. The one whose eyes were dark not the clear blue of a summer's day like yours Papa - but whose veins held your blood nonetheless. My secret brother that no one spoke of. The one whose mother a mother not the same as my own spoke of. The one whose mother - a mother not the same as my own had given the name as my own had given the name Niktor Champion
Because I suppose that this is what mothers want for their sons. Ro win. To prevail. "Can u help us ?" I asked him because by then there was no one else, no one who had not turned against you, Papa even though I know you loved your people dearly
Niktor thought for a very very long time before he answered me. So long that I should have known enough to turn and leave. But the blood between us was strong. And so I stayed. And I waited
"Your father doesn't want my help" he told me when he finally spoke again. "As I have told you before he does not case for me very much"
What I told him in return , Papa was that you did not need to know.
"Are you sure know what you are asking?" he said them. I remember watching as he pushed a lock of hair from where it had fallen over one of his strange , dark eyes.
"They say you know things", I said
"Who have you been listening to, little
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Sister ? he asked me. "you've seen what happens to those who dabble in the magic. You were there when they pulled father Grigory from that frozen river".
"he was evil", I said. " You are my brother."
"Are you so sure", my sweet brother, Niktor, asked me then," that I cannot be both?"
I reached out ,clasped his hands in mine, and told him I was.
"remember", he said to me even as his hands warmed my palms almost to burning, "nothing comes without a cost. Are you willing to pay whatever it takes"?
This is what he asked one, Papa. And I nodded my head and told him yes. Because I was a Romanou. My world was filled with things of value. Even in that horrid house in Ekaterinberg to which we'd been forced. Even there.
Only Papa this was not the payment that Niktor had in mind.
"I will do what you ask", hoe told me." I will save your family."
"Our family", I reminded him. "Our family."
"Yes", Niktor said "Yes Anastasia. One family. As you say sister".
So he told me the rest of it. That if I let the witch Gaga keep me for just a short
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While witches and magic being real and not imaginary, like my mother had told me-the power of our Romanou blood mingled with the power of the oldest of magic would shift the tide of events. No matter what happened the magic would protect us. No harm could come to our family if I was brave enough to let myself be taken.
Because I thought I loved him, I believed. And I agreed. "yes" I told Niktor , "I will do what you say."
Much , much later of course, Papa when it was too late to change what I had done, I learned at least part of the truth. By then, this hut in which I sit writing to you had become the only home I had.
"I am here to keep my family safe," I told the witch who had taken me when I was finally no longer too terrified to speak.
"You are a fool," Baba Gaga said." But so am I. Your family is dead girl. You saw it with your own eyes even as I reached down to take you. You are the only one he ever meant to save. You . the girl Anastasia. The one whose name means resurrection'. You are the only one he ever meant to save. You are the only one, little girl. Now and always you are mine. So the magic compelled me. And so you chose. Your brother it seems had something else in mind for both of us."
"It cannot be as you say", I screamed because
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having found my voice again screaming was what I wanted to do most. " It cannot be!" I stood in front of her, clutching the mateoyshka doll my mother had given me. Baba Gaga's black cat rubbed against my legs and gave an odd cry.
But even as I denied it, I knew it was the truth.
Do you like this story, Papa? Does it please you? Does it make you see what you refused to see?
I hope that it does. But the ending well, that I do not know. That part of my take has yet to be written. Blood began this story and blood may end it still. Like me, my secret brother, Nicktor lives. How that is possible is not something I understand. But it is true nonetheless. He lives and so do I and you and Mama and my sisters and my dear, dear Aleai are dead. It is not the story. I had hoped for. It is not the story I was promised
Still Papa it is my story. And I may yet finish this take in a way that honors us all.
Please forgive me, Papa for twisting the man who betrayed us. For believing wha
t I never should have believed. And as I said as I began this last of my letters, I forgive you as well. It is not a forgiveness that has come
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Easily. You betrayed your first son, and that betrayed your first son, and that betrayal came home to you. You insisted that Mama bear a fifth child so you could have your true son and his illness sent Mama into Rasputin's hands. You were as strong as you could be, but it was not strong enough and it made me think that I did, it all went horribly wrong
There is nothing left for you and me my papa but forgiveness and so I offer it to you with all that have left.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers dearest Papa. Keep me in your heart. If I see you soon , or if I do not, know always that I remain
Your daughter in blood and heart Anastasia
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Ethan
MY CELL PHONE IS DEAD," ANNE SAYS AS WE WALK RAPIDLY up the path that leads to Alex's office. She's retrieved it from her backpack and is flipping it around in her hand. The campus is quiet still, just the few early risers, their coffee to-go cups firmly affixed in their hands.
"Stop fiddling with it," I tell her. "Just close it and hold it in your hand."
"But why?" A scowl crosses her face, and those deep brown eyes flicker with frustration. "What difference could that possibly--"
"Shh." I place my hand on her shoulder, "just do as I say. Close your hand around the cell phone as tightly as you can."
"Okay," she says. Her tone tells me she's simply placating me, but she does as I tell her.
"Now, concentrate," I direct her, once the phone is enclosed in her palm. "Just like last night. Concentrate on what you want it to do." I place my hand over hers. "I'm going to help you."
I feel the power flow from both our hands, feel it mingle, grow stronger. "Ya dolzhen" The words float softly into the air. "I must." The beginning of a simple spell, one that tells the forces around me that I must change something, bend it to my will. One that makes Anne smile.
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I take my hand away. "Now, open the phone."
She flips it open, and her smile grows, lighting up her face. "Fully charged," she says gleefully. "Fully charged and five bars. I can't believe it" She makes a sound I can only describe as a squeal. "This is so awesome. Did I really--did we really do that?"
"Seems that way," I say mildly. "But don't fiddle with it again," I tell her as she starts to toy with the device once more.
"Why?" she says with a little laugh. "What could I do? Power it up so much that it explodes?"
"Actually, yes," I say, and I grin as she quickly tucks the phone in her jeans pocket.
The worry comes flooding back then. I've pulled this girl from her family, placed her in the gravest of danger. I have no guarantees I can keep her safe, no guarantees that whatever power and knowledge I have can do more than recharge a cell-phone battery.
We round a bend in the path. I can see the outline of Olensky's office building in the distance.
"What's it like?" Anne glances over at me briefly, then returns her gaze to the path. "Being--the way you are?"
"As in--?"
"As in knowing all this stuff. The magic. As in being able to charge a cell phone with the squeeze of a hand. Or build a mystical protection around someone's house. As in--well, not being able to die."
"Ah," I say. "That."
"You say it like it's nothing."
"I say it like it's something I've grown used to, something that's part of me."
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"The magic, maybe. But what about the rest of it? The whole immortal thing? I mean, at least until I do what I'm supposed to and then you get to pick up where you left off."
Even with all that's happened, I'm surprised as the answer rushes out of me before I can censor it. "It's lonely," I tell her. "It's long, and it's lonely. When I was eighteen--who doesn't think he's going to live forever at eighteen? Who doesn't want to? Until you actually do. And then--well, it's the proverbial other story, the story where the guy who looks eighteen suddenly realizes that he can't have friends. He can't even fall in love. Because his friends and his lovers, they'll grow old. And the guy himself can't until he finishes what he started. It, uh-sort of closes certain doors."
"Oh," Anne says. Then she's silent as we continue toward Olensky's building.
I pull my cell phone from my pocket. "I'll let him know we're almost there," I say.
"You could use my phone." Anne grins. "Since it's fully charged and everything."
"Keep that in your pocket where it belongs," I tell her as I press in Alex's number.
I'm smiling at her as his phone begins to ring on the other end. It rings some more.
The smile dies on my lips.
The phone keeps on ringing and then clicks over to voice mail.
"What is it?" Anne asks.
"He's not answering." My throat tightens. I close the phone and blindly shove it back into my pocket.
The door to the front entrance is locked. I grip the handle and concentrate, feel the energy flash through me. The door
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opens. I take Anne's hand and step inside. Our footsteps echo against the tile floor.
Something is wrong--very, very wrong.
"What is it?" Anne asks again.
"Just stay behind me," I rasp. My mouth has gone dry.
In front of Alex's door, I let go of Anne's hand and motion for her to stay still. I listen. Nothing.
"Alex?" I call. I rap lightly on the door. "Alex. We're back." I turn the knob. The office door is unlocked. This can't be happening. He's asleep at his desk or has gone out for coffee, even though I told him not to. "Alex?" I say again into the silence. Still he doesn't answer. Slowly, I push the door until it swings open.
"What's that smell?" Anne whispers.
I sniff the air and smell something with the tang of copper.
Blood.
I reach the desk in two strides. My friend, Alex Olensky, is sprawled next to it. Blood seeps from a hole in his brown cardigan, which is still buttoned neatly around him.
I crumble to my knees next to him. "Alex," I say. His eyes flutter open. There's blood spattered in his silver hair.
"I thought it was you," he gasps. His voice is barely a whisper. "When I opened the door, I--" He coughs. More blood. It oozes thickly down his chin.
Anne kneels down next to us. Her face is ashen. "We need to call an ambulance, Ethan! It's okay, Professor. It'll be okay. We'll call someone and--"
Alex reaches over and places his hand on Anne's arm. "No need, my dear." He coughs up more blood. "No time."
He looks over at me. His eyes are starting to haze over.
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"Hang on, Alex." I touch his shoulder gently. "Who did this? Did you see him?"
Alex shakes his head. He reaches down slowly and pats his pants pocket. "I never even got the gun out. He had his own." His lips curl in a bloodied smile. "Ironic, eh? Not how I thought this story would turn out." He coughs again. There's blood everywhere. "I imagined I'd be having tea with Anastasia."
His voice strengthens. For a moment, his gaze is fully lucid. "He took my book, Ethan. So you wouldn't find it So I couldn't show you. But the book doesn't matter. Not exactly. Not in the way I thought. Anne already has the answer. That's what Viktor couldn't know. To get Anne to Baba Yaga's forest, she just needs her..,"
Alex stiffens. His eyes go blank. His hand clutches at the blood seeping from the wound in his chest. His mouth tries to form more words. And then he's gone.
"Alex, no." I hear myself sob.
But it's too late. Alexander Olensky is dead--not by magic, not by some supernatural force I might have undone.
Anne covers her mouth with one hand, then uncovers it, bends over the small trash can next to the desk, and vomits.
I hold her bent body, feeling the grief pulse inside both of us, until she can stand up.
"It was Viktor," she says as she leans against me. "Ethan, I can feel him. hike I could fee
l him in that dream last night. I can't explain it, but I know he's been here. He did this. Or maybe he sent someone to do it, but it's still the same thing. Oh God, Ethan. Why would he--?"
"Not now," I manage. "Later. You'll tell me later. It doesn't matter now." I pull away from Anne, then bend down over my friend Alex. I gently close his eyelids.
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"What's that?" Anne points to a piece of paper under the hand Alex had clapped to his chest.
I slide the paper from under his limp hand. It's a napkin from the meal Tess had brought last night. Around the Wrap Hut logo, drops of Alex's blood stain the paper.
"It's got to mean something," Anne says. "We need to figure out"
"Not now." I shove the napkin into my pocket. "We need to get out of here. Fast. It's not safe."
"But we can't just leave him here." I hear the horror in Anne's voice.
"We don't have a choice, Anne. Do you think I'd leave him if we did?" I stand up and close my eyes. I cast my hands in a circle and say the words I memorized so long ago. I fight back my own tears as the power flows out of me. My friend is dead because he tried to help me--and none of my magic can bring him back.
"Nothing should be able to violate his body now, or indicate that you and I were here," I tell Anne when I complete the spell. "He has a class in a couple of hours. When he doesn't show, people will come looking for him, and they'll take care of him. It's the best we can do, Anne."
I pull her with me to the door. Then I stop.
"Good-bye, my friend." The words rip painfully from me. "I pray you find peace. I pray you find rest."
It's not much of a eulogy. But no matter what I say, it will never be enough.
The sky is a murky gray as we step outside into the crush of students rushing for nine o'clock classes. Above us, black clouds mass ominously. The air feels charged, pulsing. Thunder