“The phone has been ringing off the hook all morning. Our reservations are booked five weeks out. If this continues, we’ll be booked through the holidays.”
“You’re kidding?”
“This is it, babe,” he says with an exultant smile, cradling my cheeks in his hands. “This is what we’ve been working so hard for.”
“I can’t believe it. I mean, I knew you and Damon were worthy of it. I just . . .” Every word falls short of what I’m trying to express. Before I even met Landon on the set of FOX25, food has been his passion. He’s dedicated his life to it, and now he’s getting the recognition he deserves. He’s incredibly talented, and he and Damon, the executive chef, are a force to be reckoned with. The time away from me and the girls was never in vain, it was always for this.
He kisses me, lips upon mine, and I can taste his mirth as it fills my mouth. Warmth spreads through my chest, and with my arms wrapped around his waist, I soften into his firm grip on me as we both revel in this monumental achievement.
Our kiss grows more intimate, his hands roam down to my ass, and my vision blurs.
“I only have a short while until I have to get back to the restaurant,” his lips mumble over mine.
Taking advantage of this rare moment of sexual spontaneity between us, my fingers work fast to unbutton his shirt. Still reeling from the four orgasms I just had, I don’t even dare to hesitate with Landon as I temper the swelling of guilt.
We stumble into the bedroom while peeling off each other’s clothing, and when we edge up to the bed, Landon reaches down and pulls back the comforter to reveal the mess of sheets beneath right before we fall down onto the mattress.
Landon props up on his arms with a sly smile. “What were you doing in this bed to tear it all up?”
I can feel my heart in my throat and I wonder if he can see right through me. Suddenly, this game with Alec is no longer a game. The truth slaps me across the face, leaving a ridiculing sting as its reminder that what I did with Alec was not as innocent as I’ve been leading myself to believe.
“Were you touching yourself?”
I give him a coquettish nod, and it clearly delights him, so I feed him more to cover my disgrace, telling him, “I’ve been missing you.”
“What did you think about?”
“The time we made love in the back seat of your car.” My lie comes much too easily.
He leans down to kiss my neck, and after a deep inhale, says, “I can smell your cum on the sheets. You have no idea how much that turns me on.”
What have I done?
He takes my nipple into his mouth and slides his tongue over the tight flesh before sucking it. Rolling him onto his back, I attempt to rid myself of the shame as I throw my entire body into making love with him. As if the harder I fuck him, the more it erases what I’ve just done.
Closing my eyes, I bring his hands up to my breasts and encourage him to touch me as I moan loudly. I rock my hips into him, thrusting his cock deeper inside me and then I reach down with my hand to massage my clit.
“Damn, Tori,” Landon breathes, and when I look down at him, he’s watching me play with myself. I feel him thicken inside me, and he takes my hips in his hands and maneuvers me up and down over him at the same time he drives himself into me.
Stroking my clit faster, Landon’s voice amplifies as he inches closer. I don’t stop touching myself as I lean over so he can nip and suck on my nipples. I bounce my ass up and down until he loses control and bucks into me, filling me with his cum, groaning out his orgasm as I grind myself on top of him, cumming yet again.
My body falls, draping over his, and Landon bands his arms tightly around me. We remain like this for a while, with no words spoken, until he softens inside me. I roll off of him, feeling the ache between my legs, and I know I need to end this little stint with Alec before it goes any further.
“You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Only because of you,” I tell him.
We lie in bed for a little while longer, touching and kissing before he has to get back to work.
“I’ll be home in time to have dinner with you and the girls tonight,” he tells me as I walk him to the door.
I congratulate him again, and as soon as his car is out of sight, I take a quick shower, throw on some fresh clothes, and drive as fast as I can to Brooke’s house, all while thoughts of me getting off with Alec and then my husband play through my head like a fucked-up Lifetime movie.
“I’m so stupid,” I utter the moment Brooke opens her front door to find me standing on her porch.
She reaches out for me and leads me inside. “What happened?”
Shaking my head in disappointment, I tell her, “Things got really fucked up today.” We walk into her living room and take a seat on the couch. “It never felt like I was doing anything wrong until today.”
“You mean with Alec?”
“God, this is embarrassing.” I lower my head, pressing my palms against my forehead before looking up at Brooke and admitting, “We had cyber sex through video chat today.”
“You saw him getting off?”
I nod.
“And he watched you?”
“Yes. But that’s not all. Landon came home right after. If he would’ve come home a couple minutes sooner . . . fuck.”
She reaches for my hands that are knotted together. “What happened?”
“After I threw my clothes back on?” I respond in humorless humor. “He was so excited because the Times review came out today, and we wound up having sex in the same bed I just got off on with another guy. Landon actually smelled me on the sheets.”
“Shit.”
“I know,” I screech in humiliation. “I lied and told him I was missing him this morning and was touching myself.”
“Tori,” she says in disbelief as she sits back.
“I need this to be over.”
“I agree. I mean, it was funny at first, but if Landon found out, he’d—”
“I know. He’d be so pissed,” I interject. “I just don’t know how to end it. I mean, I feel bad because I’ve completely led this guy on. He even told his sister-in-law about me.”
“It’s only been a week. You don’t think he has feelings for you, do you?”
“I do.”
“Really?”
“I mean, it’s so much more than our dirty calls. We talk for hours every single day. We’ve had so many deep conversations and light-hearted ones as well. So yeah, I think he has feelings for me. He even told me he did.”
“Oh, my God,” she exhales as she rakes her hands through her hair. “And what about you? Do you have feelings for him?”
I immediately shake my head, as if what she’s inferring is completely insane. “I don’t even know him.”
“You’re contradicting yourself. You know that, right? Because you just told me about how much you two talk and how deep your conversations are.”
“But I’ve never spent any time with him.” My words are a lame defense she sees through.
“I’m your best friend, Tori. Don’t bullshit me.”
I already know the answer though. I knew it before she even asked me, but I’m afraid if I say it out loud I’ll give it life, and I can’t do that. So I lie. “I mean, as a human, yeah, I care about not hurting his feelings because of my deception. He thinks he has a chance with me, but he has no idea I’m married with a family.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I mean, do I just stop talking to him and avoid his calls, or do I tell him the truth before disappearing on him?”
“You’re treading dangerous waters. Whatever you do, you need to do it now before this goes too far.”
Confliction torments my conscience. On one hand, I know I need to end this and now, but on the other, I don’t want to. I like Alec. I like talking to him, because he makes me feel so many things—he’s exciting, he’s unpredictable, and he brings out a side of me I’ve never known unti
l now. I find myself looking at Landon and wishing he were more like Alec. More crass, more alive, more thrilling. The thing is, maybe Landon and I aren’t as good as what I thought, because if we were, then why am I being drawn elsewhere? Through Alec, I’m starting to see the flaws in Landon—I’m starting to see the cracks in my marriage.
But I can’t be the one to take a cleaver to our relationship, because I love Landon, because I love our family.
“Can I use your computer?”
“It’s in Chris’s office,” Brooke tells me.
“Give me a moment, okay?”
“Take your time.”
I make my way up the stairs and into the office. Sitting down at the desk, I look at the framed photos of Brooke’s happy family and wonder how, in a matter of a few days, my happiness fell askew. As much as I hate the thought of no longer talking to Alec, I know it has to end because there is nowhere for this friendship to go.
After I log into my email account, I begin typing.
I’ve made a mistake, I write. Everything I’ve ever told you has been the truth, everything except for two. The words come easily through my fingers but pain my heart as my eyes prick with tears. I wipe them away as they fall down my cheeks, and I can’t believe how difficult this is to do. I can’t believe how much this is affecting me.
I never thought I could grow so attached to a person in a matter of a week, but you are like nothing I’ve ever experienced, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I feel the way I do—but I am surprised.
You’ve asked about my pen name many times, and I was always too afraid to reveal it to you because all it would take was one Google search for you to know my two lies. But these are the two reasons why I can no longer talk to you, why I probably should have never talked to you in the first place.
I am so sorry, Alec.
I never meant to lead you on. I’m a selfish woman.
My author name is Madilyn Kline. You can read my bio on my website and on Amazon. That bio will tell you the truth to my lies and expose me for the awful person I am.
Shame carves its way down my face and drips from my chin as I finish the email. Once done, I text Alec, fighting myself with every letter I type.
Me: Can you send me your email address?
His response comes immediately.
Alec: Why do you need my email?
Me: I need to send you something.
His next response doesn’t come so quickly. Tears paint the passing seconds, and his next text breaks a piece of my heart.
Alec: Don’t you dare send me a fucking Dear John letter.
But that’s exactly what I’m sending, and it hurts me to know that even he can feel it.
Me: Just send me your email.
And he does.
And I type it in.
And I hit send before I talk myself out of it.
And I drop my head into my hands.
And I cry.
Why am I crying? Why does this feel like I’m losing something special? Why did I get so attached?
“You fell for him, didn’t you?”
I look up to see Brooke standing in the doorway, and a second later she blurs behind my heart’s ache.
“I don’t know how this happened,” I cry. “I love Landon. I do. I promise you, I love him.”
“He’s a good man.”
“I know.” I turn to look out the window as emotions run rampant, and I begin to laugh through the sadness. “I feel so stupid, crying over a guy I never even met. It’s pathetic.”
“It’s not,” she says as she walks over to me and leans against the desk. “You got lost in a fantasy, and fantasies have a way of playing tricks on our hearts. This guy made you feel something, and you clung to it like most would because it’s new and exciting. Even I got swept away for a fleeting moment when you were telling me all about him. I had my own moment of weakness, and I’m sorry. I know I probably encouraged you when I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t a good friend.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I encouraged myself. But it never felt wrong until this afternoon when Alec and Landon collided within minutes of each other. Suddenly I was sneaking around and lying to Landon.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Tori. You lost yourself for a moment, and like you said, it’s not like you ever met the guy. It was one week of fun and a lot of orgasms,” she says with a slip of laughter, which I slip into right along with her. “Did you call him?”
“No. I sent him an email,” I tell her. “I wonder how pissed he’s going to be when he finds out I have a family.”
“Why did you tell him that? Why didn’t you just say you’re not interested anymore and that it’s over?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Because I felt like he deserved the truth.” I then turn from the window to face her. “I told him my pen name.”
Her face drops.
“You don’t want this to end, do you?”
“Yes,” I mutter. “It’s over.”
“Then why did you give him a way to forever find you? Hmm? By giving him that name, you just gave him open access to you.”
I’m like an alcoholic. I know I need to walk away and be done, but for some reason, I leave gaps along the way to recovery because although my mind knows what’s best for me, my heart tells me something different.
“Be done with this,” she says intently, “before something bad happens.”
“Can I stay here for a while? I’m not ready to go home just yet.”
“Of course. I’ll go make us some coffee.”
I pick up my cell and text Landon to see if he can pick up the girls from school. When he responds that he can, I tuck the phone into my pocket and head downstairs. I spend the rest of the afternoon allowing Brooke to distract me, but it’s in vain as I sneak glimpses at my phone to see if Alec has responded to my email or has texted me. So far, nothing. He should know by now the liar I am, and the thought that I might never hear from him again punctures my heart.
Eventually the sun descends, Chris comes home from work, and Brooke cooks her family dinner, all the while I do my best to fake a smile and good conversation. As I sit on the couch and watch the evening news, my phone buzzes from my pocket. The vibration of what could be spikes my heart to thump in rapid succession. But two words is all it takes to kill the beats into paralysis.
Alec: Damn you.
I’ve been waiting for hours, wondering if I’d ever get a reaction to the email, and here it is. I’m consumed with a million thoughts as I stare down at my phone, and when I finally pull myself away, I see Brooke staring at me from the kitchen. My face heats as hidden sadness resurfaces, and I can’t let Chris see me this vulnerable.
“I’ll be right back,” I say before I stand, grab my coat, and step out onto the back porch.
Me: I’m so sorry.
It’s a lame response, but I don’t know what else to say.
Alec: A wife?
Me: Yes.
Alec: A mother?
Me: Yes.
He then sends a photo text of a picture of me with some random fan that he must have found on the Internet. He’s been researching me.
Me: I am so sorry I lied.
Alec: What the fuck are you doing? Are you looking for an affair or just looking to fuck with someone’s feelings?
Me: Neither. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was only on that fetish site for research. I never expected anyone to message me, but it happened, and I’m so sorry.
Confliction multiplies as I try to remedy this situation when I know I shouldn’t. I should ignore these texts. I should block his number. But I’m losing control as I attempt to convince him I’m not the bad person he thinks I am.
Alec: What do you want?
Me: I don’t know.
Alec: Are you happy with your husband?
Delete this conversation, Tori. Don’t respond. Don’t lead him on. Just end it.
Me: I don’t know.
What the hell am I doing?
The bitter cold seeps into my pores as I wait for a response—for anything—but nothing comes. Shivers eventually take over and I give up, doing everything I can to hold myself together when I walk back inside.
“I should get going,” I announce.
“It was good seeing you, Tor,” Chris says from the dining table. “Tell Landon I said hi.”
“I will.”
I give Ryder, their son, a hug and a kiss and then walk with Brooke to the front door.
“You’ll feel better tomorrow,” she assures along with a hug. “Go home, take a bath, and try to clear your head, okay?”
I nod, swallowing painfully through the knot in my throat as I fight back tears. She sees through me though.
“Don’t beat yourself up. You’re going to be fine. Call or text me if you need anything.”
“Am I being stupid?”
“No. You’re being human.”
“Don’t tell Chris.”
“Never. You know what you tell me is ours and no one else’s.”
I take another hug and then hop in my car. Nothing can vanquish his response as it replays in my head again and again.
Damn you.
Why do those words punch my gut every time I think about them? I wish it were as easy as soaking in a bath to take this all away. I wish I never set up that stupid account. I wish so many useless wishes as I drive through Cambridge and into Belmont, and as if it was scripted perfectly, the moment I pull into my driveway, my phone buzzes.
Alec sends another photo he pulled from the Internet.
Alec: Fucking beautiful.
His words have a way of erasing reality, and I smile. It’s unreal how fast my mood shifts, how powerful he is to do that. I park the car and text him back.
Me: You should hate me.
Alec: I should.
I then turn off my phone before walking in to the house because I can’t guarantee my reaction if he were to text while I’m with Landon. When I walk in, I spot Landon sitting on the couch with my laptop open.