His eyes widen in horror. “You don’t love me?”
“I do.” I’m quick to soothe—to do what I can to take this pain away from him. “I love you enough that I can’t be selfish with you anymore. I want to keep you because you’re so damn good to me and I love our family, but I’ve changed and so has the love.”
“You’re not willing to fight for this? You’re my goddamn life.”
“How long do we hang on? We’ve been falling apart for a year.”
“One year of fighting after we’ve spent thirteen years building this life together, and you’re ready to walk away? I’d fight for you till the death.”
What do I say when I don’t feel the same? I don’t want to lie to comfort him, so I don’t respond.
Neither one of us speaks for a long time, we only cry, filling the room with the most astounding sadness that could possibly exist. He doesn’t touch me, and I don’t touch him. We’re two individuals, no longer melded as one. I see how badly he’s hurting, and I wish I could change my heart’s desire, but I know I can’t. I’ve lost the love I once had for him, and the chances of finding it barely amount to anything.
It’s gone.
Eventually, he lifts his head from his hands, eyes swollen and bloodshot, wounded from the bullet I just fired into his heart. “Where do we go from here?” he finally asks, breaking the silence there’s no glue for.
I wipe my face—the face of a villain—and drop the guillotine on our marriage. “When we get home, I’m going to leave.”
It’s been two days since I told Landon I wanted a separation. We haven’t spoke about it, but there’s no need—it hangs low in the air between us. When we arrived back in the States yesterday, I went ahead and booked reservations to stay at a hotel. Just another safeguard to protect myself from Landon finding out that I’m with someone else, because if we are going to get a divorce, I hope to do it as amicably as possible.
There are no words for what I’m feeling as I continue to pack my suitcases. I’m about to leave this house and walk out into the unknown. There’s no plan, there’s no direction, there’s no security, and that in and of itself is frightening. But at the same time, it’s what I desperately need. Along with my urgency to be with Alec, there’s also been an underlying urgency to run away and escape from this life I’ve created with my husband.
As I empty my drawers into my luggage, I do what I can to focus on Alec to protect myself from the debilitating emotions that threaten to break free from the cage I’ve built around them. I tried calling him last night when Landon drove to pick up the girls from his brother’s house, but all I got was his voicemail.
A chill razors up my spine when I hear Landon return from dropping the kids off at school. I hate that I’m inflicting this upon him. He doesn’t deserve any of this, but my heart’s been screaming at me to run to Alec for nearly a year now. I thought it would eventually fade and I’d grow tired of him, but I only want him more, so much so that it’s created a constant ache inside my chest.
“You’re really leaving?”
I turn to Landon, who’s standing in the doorway of our bedroom. He looks at me with indifference in his eyes, a result of my constant back and forth game this year. I led him to believe we were good and happy, but when I grew tired of pretending, I pushed him away. I’ve done nothing but jerk him around, and I know he can easily find someone that’ll treat him better than I can.
“Don’t you think we should talk about this?”
This is the part I want to hide from, but I know I can’t, so I give him a nod. I follow behind him when he walks into the living room. He takes a seat on the couch, the couch Alec fucked me on, and I sit in the chair across from him.
There’s an awkward silence that bleeds between us before he finally speaks. “What’s the plan here?”
“I don’t know,” I respond with a cowardly shrug of my shoulders.
“I need to know.”
“I don’t know, Landon,” I maintain. “It’s not like I’ve ever done this before.”
“You can’t keep stringing me along. If you’re done with this marriage, there’s no need to separate. It’s only wasting time.”
Again, doubt surfaces, and I question if I’m giving up too soon.
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t keep saying that, Tor. This is black and white. Either you love me or you don’t.”
“It’s not that simple,” I tell him. “We have thirteen years of life together—”
“And?”
“And I’m confused. I need to get away and clear my head because there’s so much tension in this house that I can’t even think straight any more.”
“I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep fighting for this marriage on my own. Love me or leave me, but don’t waste my time because you’re confused,” he says with irritation before adding, “I want to be with someone who loves me. I want a family, and if that’s no longer something you want with me, then tell me so I can find someone who does.”
But it isn’t black and white. If he only knew what was really going on, he’d see the gray, he’d see the blurred lines. I’ve blinded him to believe that I’ve had a flippant change of heart. This is anything but flippant though. This runs deep in my marrow, which is why I keep this battle alive.
And now, the thought of him remarrying and having a family that I’m no longer a part of scares me, but for selfish reasons, because what if I never get that? What if Landon was my one shot? There’s no doubt that he will find someone to love him. He’s too good of a man. But me? I’m garbage. I’m a horrible woman who does horrible things.
“I just need space,” I tell him. “I need to find a way to get some clarity.”
“How long am I supposed to wait?”
“I don’t know.”
His jaw ticks as soon as I say those three words, the same three words I say over and over and over, because I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.
“I’ll give you one month to figure out if you want to be a part of this family.”
“And what if I’m still confused?”
“Then we’re done,” he says coolly while my neck burns with fear and sadness. “It’s either yes or no. If you tell me that you’re still unsure, then it’s over. I won’t be married to a woman who can’t figure out if she loves me or not.”
A big part of my heart wishes I could snap out of this. I want to love him—everything would be so much easier—but it’s not something I can force. And the thing is, I’m in love with Alec. Everything about this is so fucked up. It’s too much to deal with, which is why all I want to do right now is run. Run far away from the reality I’ve created while living in my fantasy.
“What about the girls?”
“If you’re leaving, they stay with me.” His words are firm, a tell to the unbounding love he has for them. “You want a separation to see what life will be like divorced, then that’s the way it’s going to be.”
“What are we going to tell them?”
“Honestly? I’d rather you stay away for a week or so. I don’t even know how to look at you right now.” His voice grows unstable and thick. “I’ll tell them you’re away for work.”
I watch as he leans forward, elbows on knees, head in hands. I should walk over and comfort him, but it feels forced. He sniffs and my tears break free. When he looks up, his face is streaked in heartbreak.
“I don’t understand you.” His words crack. “I give you everything I can.”
“Landon—”
“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want my girls to not have both their parents under the same roof.” He stands and walks over to me before dropping to his knees—a man desperate to keep his world intact. With tears falling down his face, he grips my knees in his hands and pleads, “I love you so fucking much. Everything about you, I love. Don’t do this. I swear to you, I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and to make you love me again.”
Comfort him. Reach out a
nd at least touch him.
No, you’ll just give him false hope.
He’s your husband, for Christ’s sake!
You can’t lead him on when you’re about to leave him for Alec.
He’s never been in this kind of agony before. You need to console him.
Console him with what? More lies? Just tell him you’re sorry so we can go see Alec.
You’re such a fucking bitch! Your husband is crying on the floor, begging for you to honor your marriage and fight for him! Give the man a goddamn hug!
Don’t give him hope where there is no hope to be had—it’ll only make you a bigger bitch.
“You’re what makes my heart beat. I love you most and more, Tori. I always will.”
I jump out of the chair, needing to put space between us. When he stands to his feet, I tell him, “I can’t do this right now. I need to figure this out on my own instead of making a choice out of guilt for how upset you are.”
Anger flares, and I walk back to the bedroom. I hate that he just did that to me, trying to force me into staying.
Why did he have to do that?
How am I supposed to even respond?
I toss the rest of my belongings into the luggage, moving quickly because I need to get out of here and away from all this tension. As I’m packing, I hear Landon leave. Relief washes through me now that I can walk out of here without having to face him. I load my bags into the trunk of my car, retrieve my disposable phone, and then hit the road.
The moment I drive away, I feel the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I’m finally free, and the thought alone is enough to rid me of my guilt for leaving.
Me: I have a room at the Copley Square Hotel. Call me when you can and I’ll explain everything.
I need this.
I needed this for a long time.
This is the escape I’ve been yearning for. I can now be with Alec without the sadness constantly looming overhead. I can be with him freely without the constant sneaking around and scheming up ways to see him. And as much as I love my girls, I need a break from being a mommy.
I stop at the hotel in Alec’s neighborhood of Back Bay and check in.
Me: I’m in room 604.
When I get to my room, I begin to unpack. I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying here because I didn’t expect to be gone a month, but Landon gave me the time, and like the selfish woman I am, I want to take every last second of it. But a month at a hotel like this is more money than I care to spend. If Brooke weren’t about to give birth at any given moment, I’d stay with her, but since her due date is fast approaching, I didn’t even tell her about this separation and stress her out. Even though I expect to be with Alec for the most part, I still need a point of reference so Landon doesn’t suspect anything.
Once I have my belongings settled into their new places, I turn on the television and mindlessly flip through the channels before landing on an entertainment news show.
A knock on the door startles me, but when I walk over to look through the peephole, my heart finally settles. I fall into Alec’s arms when I open the door, and I want to cry. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him in the two weeks since I left for Australia.
He backs us into the room and closes the door, never unwrapping his arms from me.
I nuzzle my head against his chest. “I’ve missed you.”
He draws back slightly, looking down at me, and asks, “What are you doing here?”
I stare at the man I never should’ve fallen in love with, but did. The man who’s been able to soothe my heart’s ache this past year. The man who’s brought me to life and has helped me discover this new side of me. “I left him.”
His eyes soften when I tell him this, his hands moving to cup my face. “Are you okay?”
I nod. “Australia was a disaster.”
He takes me and moves us over to the bed. We sit and I continue, “As soon as it was just us and there were no distractions, I knew it was over.”
“What happened?”
“We fought a lot,” I tell him as I struggle to hide my tears. I know he doesn’t want to see me crying for another man. “Before we left to come back, I told him he should be with someone else. I told him my heart was no longer in the marriage and that I was going to leave, and here I am.”
“Did you tell him about us?”
“No. He can’t know. It’ll only make everything worse, and I don’t want things to get nasty for the sake of the girls.”
“Does he know where you are?”
“It was bad before I left this morning. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him.”
He runs his hand down the side of my face, but it isn’t enough comfort for me, and when I drop my head, he pulls it back up, unwilling to allow me to hide. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t want to upset you.”
“You won’t,” he assures. “You left him. What could you say now that would hurt me?”
“I’m sad,” I reveal. “This is what I want, you’re what I want, but I’m scared. And even though you’re here right now, I feel really lost inside.” My words strain around the glumness of this whole situation. “I just need you to hold me.”
He leans over and slips off my shoes before kicking his off, and when he stands to pull the sheets back, I slip in. Tugging his shirt over his head, he tosses it aside and lies down with me, covering us with the sheets. Alec scoops me into his arms and holds me tightly. My fingers press into his back as an overwhelming surge of neediness takes over me. Our legs tangle, and when he tucks my head under his chin, I cling to him even more.
“Tell me what you need from me.”
“Safety,” I whisper against his heated skin.
He kisses the top of my head. “You’re always safe with me.”
I want to melt into him, hand myself over to be taken care of the way he does so perfectly. I want to follow him through life, a life I’ve yet to explore. I want him to lead me, teach me, protect me. I want to give him whatever it is that he needs because I want to please him.
Time falters as we hold each other, and before I know it, our bodies are slowly moving together. His hands run beneath my top up to my breasts, and when he teases my nipples with his thumbs, I drape my one leg over his hip. He pushes himself against me, he’s hard where I’m soft, and I grow wet for him.
Taking his time, he peels the clothes off my body, stripping me bare.
“Does it hurt? Leaving your family?”
Our eyes connect, his steady, mine un. “Yes.”
“Does it make you want to cry?” he questions with his palm pressed between my breasts.
I swallow painfully. “Yes.”
“Cry.”
I wrap my hand around his wrist as his hand remains on my chest and stare into his dark blue eyes, knowing I’ll never be naked staring into deep brown again. Landon has always been a huge piece of my heart, and now he isn’t. No matter how much Alec consumes me, there’s a hollowness where Landon used to be.
I trust in Alec to guide me through this turmoil. His face is one I doubt I’ll ever tire of looking at—strong and sure—but his request fractures his lines and curves. He bleeds into a prism of colors on the other side of my tears.
“Take my pants off.”
With slow-moving hands, I quietly weep as I remove his pants.
He opens my legs and lowers himself between them. Holding his thick cock, he slides it along my most tender flesh, tugging at my opening. “Don’t stop,” he says. “I want to be inside you while you’re crying.”
“Why?”
“Because I want your deepest everythings all at once.”
And when he pushes himself inside me, I give him what he needs. We’re skin to skin, mended as one. He’s never moved this slowly with me. With every roll of his hips, he pulls more and more sadness and ache from my heart, driving my soft whimpers into painful sobs.
Shifting us to our sides, he wraps my leg over his hip. He then gathers me completely in his
arms and holds me closely against his chest as he continues to stroke his cock tenderly inside me.
And for the first time ever, I feel us truly making love.
And I cry as my heart tethers safely to his.
Alec carries my bag across the threshold of his loft. I left most of my belongings back at the hotel in case Landon decides to show up for whatever reason. Paranoia still runs rampant, reminding me that I have to continue to cover my tracks with every move I make.
I walk over to the large windows that wrap around the perimeter wall and look down on the magnolia trees below. Pink blossoms hover over the sidewalk, providing a whimsical shield between me and those that wander below. It’s the dividing line between me and them—good versus evil. I wrap my arms around my middle and wonder if I’ll always be marked in this shame, if I’ll ever find my way back across the line that separates my rotten heart from virtue.
Strong arms cover my weak ones.
Warmth penetrates my ice.
Goodness cradles my disgrace.
“You’re not misplaced,” my protector says, his words licking my hidden wounds. I turn in his arms and see the look of compassion for the lost girl who stands so unsteady in his hold.
I never thought I would need so much from one person, but I do, and he’s able to give it. He’s the culmination of everything I’ve been lacking: a father figure, a guide, a protector—a man who can break through my carefully constructed walls and burrow himself into the core of my soul.
Why couldn’t I have met Alec first? If we only would’ve crossed paths sooner, I could’ve saved so many people from the pain I’m now inflicting upon them.
My eyes silently plead for him to baby me, lead me through this difficult time, to guard me with his strength, and to never let me fall. He grips me tighter, his growing erection pressing against my stomach. He loves me weak and dependent on him, and I love that he allows the dependency. There’s no expectations of having to be strong, of having to take care of responsibilities, of having to make decisions. He provides that for me.
With no more restrictions on our time together, with no more sadness of having to leave and rush back home, I release a heavy breath of tension, close my eyes, and rest my head against his chest. Unbinding my arms from his waist, I unbuckle his belt. He stands confident when I shove my hand down his pants and wrap my fingers around his thick cock. The heat of his silky flesh sears my palm. I drag my thumb through droplets of precum and smear it over the tip of him before pulling my hand out. His heavily hooded eyes watch as I slip my thumb into my mouth and capture his taste on my tongue. He’s peppered tang, flavored nothing like the man I left to be with him.