She sighed, her expression sad.
“Tucker, whatever you think, whatever demons you have chasing you, I know you’d make a great father. But not yet. Let’s work on us first.”
She wasn’t saying no, but her answer wasn’t as definite as I’d hoped. Can’t say I was surprised though.
She ran her hands gently down my face, gazing into my eyes.
Was that what I wanted? I had to check to see if I’d gone completely freaking crazy. Nope: heart rate normal, anxiety levels . . . low. The thought of Tera carrying my child . . . I wasn’t hating the idea. In fact . . .
“Are we okay?” she asked, her voice soft with uncertainty.
“Yeah,” I nodded slowly. “We’re good. I just feel so fucking dumb for letting her screw me over. Again.”
Tera shook her head fiercely.
“You have nothing to feel bad about. This was all Renee. You’re a good man Tucker McCoy. It’s time you realized that.”
I wanted to believe her.
“I’ll try,” I said at last.
“Let’s just forget about this weekend, or at least, put it behind us. We’ve still got tonight. Come on,” she said, her eyes smiling. “I never did get a Ferris wheel ride—you owe me.”
I held her hand as we walked to the front of the waiting line of couples, ignoring the grumbles and snarky comments as Joel gave us the first bucket for the moonlit ride.
As promised, the lights had been turned off, so we’d be all but invisible as the bucket rose through the night sky.
The moment we were situated and the safety bar had been dropped into position, Tera started kissing up my neck, her warm wet tongue snaking against my pulse point, teeth nipping and biting as she pushed me back against the hard seat. Straddling my hips, her weight resting on my thighs, she pushed one hand up under my t-shirt and the other over the zipper on my jeans.
My woman knew exactly how to turn me on, and I went from zero to sixty in half a second.
“You really want this, Tera?” I muttered into her hair, then pulled her head to the side so I could kiss her throat. “You want me to take you here? Knowing everyone will be looking up while we fuck?”
“Do it.”
This woman took my breath away.
Then she pinched my nipple hard.
“Just don’t rock the bucket too much or I might throw up.”
A hoarse chuckle burst out of my mouth. “You sure know how to romance a guy!”
She smiled down at me. “Oh, do I have to? I heard that you were easy.”
“I’m reformed,” I said, biting her earlobe and making her squeal as my left hand stroked up her warm back, under her bra. “Only one pussy I’m interested in now.”
“Sweet talker.”
“That’s ‘cause you’re my sugar.”
“So, um, how are we going to do this?” she asked, peering over my shoulder and down at the crowds that were already several feet below us.
“You forget how since this morning?” I chuckled.
“Funny guy. I’m just slightly afraid of falling over the safety bar and dying with my vag on display. That would be embarrassing.”
“Woman, the things you say! You sure have some strange thoughts in your head, Tera.”
“I know, and you’re one of the strangest.”
“Meh. You only want me for my body anyway.”
“True. And there’s one part of your body that I’m particularly interested in right now.”
“Oh yeah?” I murmured, letting my fingers drift over the teeny tiny thong she wore under her thin cotton skirt.
She muttered something incoherent then wrapped her hand around the bulge in my jeans, squeezing firmly and making me groan.
The bucket rose higher and I could hear the laughter of people below us, but here, only the stars were above, and it was just me and Tera.
I pulled her closer, kissing her hard, telling her with my mouth and with my body, the only things I had to offer her, how much, how fucking much she meant to me.
She strained against me, grinding and rubbing over my aching dick.
By now, we were inching toward the top of the ride.
“Gonna have to be quick, sugar.”
“That won’t be a problem,” she said breathlessly as she arched upward and I slipped a finger inside her.
Her body shivered and she gripped me tighter, making me cuss.
I unzipped my jeans and sheathed up with shaky hands.
“Turn around and face forward,” I instructed. “Hold tight to the safety bar.”
She stood up, clinging on with both hands, her gorgeous heart-shaped ass in my face. I couldn’t help biting her left cheek hard so she squealed.
“You want everyone to know what we’re doing, that’s the way to tell ’em,” I teased her.
She threw me a scorching look over her shoulder and lowered herself quickly, taking just the tip inside her.
She hovered, teasing me, taunting me, and it was enough to make me come.
I threw my head back, staring up at the bright pinpoints of light above, taking deep breaths.
This was a memory I’d take to my grave: the Ferris wheel, the stars, Tera panting above me, and a sudden and terrifying knowledge that I loved this amazing, fearless woman.
There was no doubt, not anymore. I’d tried so hard not to let anyone get near me again, but she had. Tera owned me, body and soul, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
“Put me inside you,” I whispered. “All the way.”
Tera licked her lips, then closed her eyes as she slid down, all the way.
I started breathing hard as she pushed her body up to slide down my shaft, igniting every nerve end in my sensitized dick, faster and faster, over and over again. I was hypnotized, staring at the way we were joined together, my dick gleaming and slick with her juices. My hips rocked to meet her, and I gripped her waist with both hands, helping her move more deeply, my fingers digging into her soft flesh, keeping her close, keeping her safe.
The bucket started to rock and she wobbled on her feet, but I held her tightly.
She nearly gave me a heart attack when she let go of the safety bar with one hand.
“Tera! What the hell are you doing?”
She didn’t answer in words, but shoved her hand into her panties, getting herself off fast.
Damn, that was so hot, knowing she was touching herself like that.
My balls started to tighten, and sparks of light flickered up and down my spine until a wave of hot pleasure rushed through my dick and I came hard, squeezing my eyes shut as she clenched around me.
Her thighs trembled and her soft gasps told me she was there, too.
“I’ve got you, Tera,” I grit out. “I’ve got you, sugar. I’ll keep you safe.” Always.
Her body softened and I lifted her from me, straightening her clothes as I pulled off the condom and tucked myself in.
“That . . . that felt so dirty,” she laughed quietly.
I choked on a laugh.
“Um, you’re welcome?”
The Ferris wheel slowed to a halt, the bucket dropping the last few feet until we were at ground level again.
Joel unlatched the safety bar, a small smile tugging at his lips. I didn’t know if he’d heard what Tera said or whether he’d guessed what we’d been doing.
Tera wrapped her arms around my waist and snuggled into me. I loved it when she did that—it made me feel like I’d won the lottery.
Too soon it was Sunday morning, and I only had a few hours before Tera had to leave for the airport and her flight back to California.
The weekend had raced by, a blur of images: Scotty and Renee, Tera, the stunts, Tera, showtime, Tera, nighttime, Tera, the Ferris wheel, Tera, love and fear, Tera, Tera, Tera. Too much, too little, too fucking terrifying to understand.
But the thought of having to snatch moments of time like this, well, it didn’t thrill me, that’s for sure. I didn’t want to lose her, so I’d tak
e what she could give me—whatever that was. It was time to figure out where we were going with this; it was time to have the talk.
I couldn’t help cringing at the irony. The words we should talk were what every guy feared, and here I was, ready to spit them from my mouth.
Tera must have been thinking along the same lines, because she’d woken earlier than usual, her tongue wrapped around my dick, and I got to take her slow and deep before my crazy day started all over again.
Our bodies were pressed skin to skin, hot and panting, the sheets kicked off of the bed, and laying together, a tangle of sweat-slick limbs. Her wheat-colored hair was spread across the pillows, across my chest, and I stroked her silky hair, wanting to wrap it around my fist and refuse to let her go.
I was still sporting a semi, although I was like that the whole time Tera was around. She said that was sweet, even though she seemed kind of doubtful, but it was just the way things were.
“Do you have to go back right now? Maybe stay a couple more days?” I asked, and I could hear that my voice betrayed a longing that I hadn’t known existed until now.
It shocked me a little; terrified me a lot. So much easier not to want; so much safer not to need.
“You know I do—I have my job,” she said gently, stroking her hand over my forearm, then turning my palm up so she could trace the rough calluses.
“Me staying—this isn’t going to work, Tucker.”
My heart started to gallop. I knew she was going to say it, but hearing the words spoken aloud was bitter.
“I know.”
“I can’t follow the carnival all my life.”
“I know.”
Her hand slid up my arm to stroke over my chest, those crystal blue eyes shining with truth.
“But this doesn’t mean the end. Not if you don’t want it to.”
I turned my head to look at her, hating the flare of hope I felt.
“What else can it mean?”
“We do the long distance thing. I’ll fly out every two or three weekends like I’ve been doing, and during winter break, you come back to San Francisco.”
I tried to imagine it: weeks at a time without seeing her. Maybe a month or more if she couldn’t get away. The idea sucked balls. But then I tried to imagine not having Tera in my life at all. And that was worse. Far, far worse.
“I guess we could try,” I said, feeling the ache reaching my bones.
“That’s all I’m asking, Tucker. Let’s just try. What we’ve got . . . it’s too good to throw it away without giving it our best shot.”
Her voice was hopeful and that made me feel a hell of a lot better because it didn’t seem like a soft way of letting me down.
“It’ll be different,” I said, wanting her to convince me some more. “For both of us.”
She laughed lightly. “That’s our motto. Everything about us is different, but it works anyway.”
Her laughter died away.
“You can trust me, Tucker.”
“I know.”
“We’ll be okay.”
God, I wanted her to be right so badly.
Tera
Sitting on the airplane back to San Francisco, I was conflicted. I knew that giving up my life and following Tucker and the carnival—that wasn’t for me. I couldn’t do what Aimee did, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t give up Tucker either.
I felt awful leaving him so soon after everything that had happened with Renee, but I needed to get back. I couldn’t put my life on hold for him.
So we’d do the long distance thing. Tons of couples did that. It wasn’t as if he was in the military and I wouldn’t see him for half a year or more. He was only ever a short flight away. And now I knew that Renee wouldn’t be able to get her claws into him again.
It was wrong of me to have threatened her, but somehow I couldn’t feel bad about that.
My mind flashed back to the insane sex we’d had on the Ferris wheel. I still couldn’t quite believe I’d done that. My body shivered as I remembered, grabbing onto the safety bar, staring up at the stars then down at the fairground, people strolling along the midway in a sugar haze while Tucker thrust slowly and then quickly from underneath me, wondering how my life got so crazy.
But he hadn’t said he loved me. Nor had I. And for once, it wasn’t about some stupid rule, waiting for the guy to say it first. Tucker didn’t do relationships and frankly, neither of us knew if he could. If he wanted to commit to a long-distance relationship, I needed him to prove it. But damn him! Couldn’t he have given me something to hold onto? Maybe I was reading more into it, trying to read lines that weren’t there, inventing layers of meaning that were only in my head.
When I turned my phone on again after the flight, there were two messages. The first was from Mom, reminding me that she had a number of ‘suitable’ dates lined up for me in case I needed an escort for the fundraiser. The thought set my teeth on edge.
The second was from Tucker.
“Hey, beautiful! Hope your flight was good. Call me when you get in so I know you’re okay? I’ll be doing the show, but leave a message, yeah?” Then his voice lowered. “It sucks that you’re not here. I keep thinking about the way I woke up this morning with your sweet lips wrapped around my dick. And that noise you make, just before you’re about to come—you are so fucking hot. Sweetest sugar I ever had.”
Then he muttered something I couldn’t catch and the voicemail cut out.
His short message left me with a wide smile on my face—and very hot and bothered.
Tucker
Two more slow weeks had gone by without seeing Tera.
We’d talked some, but it wasn’t the same. She hadn’t been able to get away to visit again, and I’d gone from missing her and wanting her to feeling like I had a phantom limb—it wasn’t there anymore but it throbbed painfully anyway . . . all of the time.
Since Renee and Scotty had flown back to Richmond, I hadn’t spoken to her and I didn’t want to, but I’d swapped a few texts with Scotty. I’d keep my promise to him.
Ollo was watching me prep for the afternoon show and sharing a piece of watermelon with Bo who was sitting on the grass next to him.
“So, big man, how does it feel?”
I threw him a sour look. “How does what feel?”
He grinned. “Tucker McCoy falling for a girl.”
I ignored him, and carried on checking the brakes on the stunt bikes. They didn’t really need any work, but staying in motion kept me out of trouble—mostly.
I glanced back at Ollo, hoping that he’d go away and irritate someone else, but I wasn’t that lucky.
“You better treat her right,” he said. “She’s only got one heart to break . . . but you have 206 bones, my friend.”
It still pissed me off that everyone expected me to fuck up.
“Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?” I asked without looking at him.
He laughed and then tossed a piece of watermelon rind that hit me on the back of the head.
I swore softly. “Fuck off and play with the traffic, Ollo.”
He sniggered quietly. “You’ve got it bad, brother.”
I straightened up and looked at him.
“Yeah, I have. Why is that so fucking funny?”
His smile dropped away and he sighed.
“She won’t follow you. Tera is family, but she’s not one of us. She won’t follow the carnival.”
I stared up at the Ferris wheel, a spidery silhouette against the gray sky of early November, remembering what it felt like being inside her, knowing that I’d fallen for Tera; fallen far and hard and deep.
“I know.”
“So how’s this going to work for you?”
I shrugged. “I have no freakin’ idea. Tera wants to do the long-distance thing . . .”
“What do you want?”
I couldn’t help smiling. “I want Tera.”
Ollo nodded then gave a sly grin. “You sure about th
at?”
“Yeah, I am. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
He stood up and dusted himself off, then held Bo’s paw as they ambled away.
“What?” I yelled after them.
Ollo turned and grinned at me. “This is the carnival, where magic happens . . . and dreams come true.”
What the hell? I stood scratching my head.
We’d finished the final show of the day and I’d almost forgotten Ollo’s cryptic words, but when Kes called a powwow, I could feel a change coming, like storm clouds were gathering inside me.
The bonfire was blazing, and Kes stood in front of it, hands on hips, staring into the flames.
Zef was already there, squatting on his heels, chewing a piece of beef jerky, and Zach was sitting next to Aimee, talking quietly. Luke was hovering in the background and I was sort of surprised to see him, because I’d understood that this was a meeting about the Daredevils.
Kes looked up when he saw me, his expression hard to read.
There was no preamble; he just dove right in.
“Pomona has offered us a deal,” he said. “They’ve already got us for Thanksgiving, but now they want to book us for five months next year, from July through November. The money they’re offering isn’t bad—it’s pretty good, but it would mean changes.”
He glanced at Aimee.
“With the money they’re talking about, we wouldn’t need to go on the road after Easter . . .”
Zef frowned. “You giving up the road, man? You saying you want to give up traveling?”
Kes shook his head. “No, I’m not saying that.” He squeezed Aimee’s hand. “I’ll still be traveling. It’s in my blood, it’s what I do, but if we take the Pomona contract, we don’t have to travel.” And he looked at me. “You guys could have a normal life . . . whatever that is.”
Zef snorted angrily. “You think we’d bail on you?”
Kes gave a small smile, then glanced at me again. “Nah, I’m saying things change. Traveling all the time, it’s not for everyone.”
I thought about what he was saying. I could be in Pomona for a chunk of time each year, which was only a five-hour drive from San Francisco. Tera and I could see each other most weekends. And for Winter break, I’d be with her; we’d only be apart for maybe 14 weeks in the whole year. Or not. We’d have a chance . . .