Published by Flaming Chalice Press
2221 Woolsey St.
Berkeley, CA 94705
[email protected] Publisher’s Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Copyright © 2010 Laila Ibrahim
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 0-9845022-0-3
ISBN-13: 978-0-9845022-0-2
E-Book ISBN: 978-0-9845022-1-9
Library of Congress Control Number: 2010909129
For Kalin, Maya, and Rinda. And all the Matties
in the world—past, present, and future.
Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Epilogue
Appreciations
Prologue
Mattie was never truly mine. That knowledge must have filled me as quickly and surely as the milk from her breasts. Although my family “owned” her, although she occupied the center of my universe, her deepest affections lay elsewhere. So along with the comfort of her came the fear that I would lose her some day. This is our story. You will wonder if it is true; I can assure you it is, though my parents wish it were otherwise. This is as true a story as has ever been told: the story of my love for Mattie, and, I suppose, her love for me in return.
Chapter 1
APRIL 14, 1837
Mattie lay curled around the warm shape of her son when the unwanted messenger knocked. She stayed on her pallet, reluctant to end this precious time, and listened to the sound of quiet snores coming from Poppy, her grandfather. She gazed at her young son, pressed her nose close against his soft neck to take in his sweet baby scent. She gently wiped the glistening sweat away from his damp forehead and gave him a tender kiss upon his temple. Another intrusive knock struck the door. Mattie got up.
Cradling Samuel so close that she could feel warm puffs against her breast, Mattie shuffled across the packed dirt floor to the door. Though she expected this visitor, had anticipated a knock for weeks, she had dreaded this moment. Once she opened the door, her life would forever be divided into before and after.
Mattie slowly pulled the rough plank door open and saw a lithe silhouette in the moonlight. There stood Emily, a girl with pale, hazel eyes and skin the color of tea with milk. Mattie had seen her before but did not know her well. She appeared to be no more than twelve. In contrast, twenty-year-old Mattie’s skin was dark as roasted coffee beans. Her jet-black hair, twisted into two tight braids that framed each side of her narrow face, was covered by a dingy white cloth wound tightly round her head. Her strong arms were scratched from tobacco. Dark eyes, big and round as caramel candy, took in all the comings and goings of the people around her.
Without introduction the skinny girl at the door mumbled, “You got to come now. The baby gonna be here soon.” With her news delivered, she turned back to the Big House.
Mattie called after her, “I gotta pass Samuel over to my poppy.”
“Be quick about it. They expectin’ you.”
As Mattie crossed to his pallet, Poppy sat up to receive his great-grandson. Tears pushed hard against the back of Mattie’s eyes. She kissed Samuel tenderly on his round cheek. “I love you,” she quietly poured into her son’s tiny ear and pressed her lips for a final time against his bald head. Her lips pulled tight inside her teeth, she carefully passed Samuel into Poppy’s outstretched arms.
“Remember, Rebecca gonna feed him when he get hungry,” she pressed out, though her grandfather was well aware of the plan.
She stared into Poppy’s eyes and hoped he understood all that she did not say. She wanted to be assured that her son would be well cared for, that he would be told she had not chosen to leave him, and that when she returned he would know that she was his mother. But Mattie said nothing. She did not scream in protest or plead for more time for her son to grow older. Instead she turned away in silence, blinking back tears as she left her home and abandoned her son. She had no choice. She had to be strong, get through this separation, and return to Samuel as soon as possible. Whether that would be in months or years, she had no way of knowing.
Mattie shivered as she followed the dim light cast by Emily’s oil lamp. They walked toward the Big House, a direction she had learned to dread and which she rarely traveled.
“How long she been havin’ pains?” Mattie asked as they passed the small brick cook house.
“Most of the day, I think. She start screaming after dinner.”
Mattie asked, “Her water show yet?”
“Don’ know,” the girl replied as they reached the rear of the building.
They entered through the painted door and climbed up the worn back stairs to the second floor. Mattie stepped carefully behind Emily along a soft, colorful rug. Going down the smooth white hallway past several polished doors, Emily stopped in front of the last door on the left.
“They waitin’ in there for you,” Emily informed Mattie, pointing at the door. Mattie watched the girl’s mouth open wide in a yawn. Then Emily turned and made her way down the corridor.
Mattie’s heart beat fiercely as she stood alone and uncertain in the long hallway. Suddenly the white door flew open. She jumped back in time to avoid being trampled by a figure rushing out. Warm air tinged with the smell of sweat wafted out of the room. Hesitating at the threshold, Mattie peered into the dim chamber.
A petite white woman with skin the color of heavy cream lay in a large bed. Eyes closed to the world, she moaned loudly. Her damp, dark hair stuck to her sweaty, swollen face. The woman’s face contorted as she cried out in pain. Her eyes squeezed so tight that her lashes were buried tight, and her mouth was pulled so hard that her lips were hidden in the cave of her mouth.
“There you are,” proclaimed one of the two women hovering around the bed. The large white woman with narrow blue eyes and gray hair pulled into a severe bun pointed to a chair in the corner of the room. “We are not yet in need of you. Complications…” She trailed off without a complete explanation. “Go, sit in the chair, and do not do anything to upset your mistress.”
Mattie moved into the room as quietly as possible and made herself small to avoid drawing the attention of the large, red-faced man looming over the foot of the bed. She lowered herself into a plush velvet armchair and unconsciously rubbed the smooth pile with the tips of her brown fingers. Her eyes flew around the room, taking it in. An intricately carved four-poster bed took up most of the room. Next to it sat a marble-topped washbasin covered with crumped cloths. The man directed the two women poised on either side of the bed.
“Hold her down when I am ready to pull the infant out,” he commanded. “Prevent all movement or they both may die.”
The doctor pulled dirty metal forceps out of his bag and wiped them quickly with a blood-stained cloth. Then he bent over the bed.
“Now,” he commanded.
The women pressed their pale hands against the patient’s
shoulders and arms, pushing her hard into the mattress. Mattie winced in sympathy and sucked in her breath as the doctor thrust the forceps deep into her thin body. “Ahh, aahh, ahhh,” screamed the woman. The doctor tugged hard on the metal handles, but there was no movement.
Repositioning himself with his legs braced wide apart, the doctor pulled again. His hand slipped off the end of the instrument, leaving it protruding from the woman’s body. He muttered to himself and rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants, then repositioned himself and firmly grabbed the forceps once again. Heaving on the forceps, the doctor’s hands slowly slid backwards; the instrument moved along with his thick fingers. Sandwiched tightly between the triangle of the forceps, Mattie saw bulges of purplish scalp emerge between the mistress’s thin, white legs.
The doctor grunted. His left hand lost its grip again. “He is stubborn!”
Resuming his quest to remove the infant, the doctor grabbed the forceps. Pulling again just as the woman’s uterus was contracting, the infant’s head emerged until Mattie could see the tips of ears. The contraction ended. When the doctor pulled again there was no movement. The next pull came along with a contraction, and this time the rest of the head, shoulders, torso, and limbs rushed out. A purple, motionless infant flopped onto the bed.
The doctor stared at the limp child. Mattie fought the urge to grab the infant, turn it over, and rub hard. Helplessly she waited for the doctor to do something.
“Do it,” Mattie silently encouraged the baby that was ruining her life, “take a breath.”
The doctor tied off and then cut the still pulsing cord as the infant lay motionless. The infant suddenly jerked, then tipped back its damp head, opened its blue mouth, and let out a raspy wail. Mattie gave a silent cheer, You did it, little one!
“Good thing I was here for the delivery,” Doctor Jameson declared. “This one needed modern medicine to take her first breath.”
“A girl!?” asked the new mother.
“Yes,” confirmed the doctor matter-of-factly.
The young woman craned her neck to see and reached out her arms for her daughter. The doctor carelessly bundled the infant in a receiving blanket and started to pass her to the woman in the bed.
“Not now,” said the large woman with the bun. “You are too weak to hold the girl. Give her to the nurse,” she directed the doctor.
The mother collapsed against the bed in resignation. With a shrug of his shoulders, the doctor carried the damp bundle to Mattie. Handing the newborn over, he asked, “Is your milk in?”
“Yes, sir. My son, he born some months ago,” replied Mattie, looking down at the oak floor.
“Then do what you came here to do,” replied the doctor. He turned back to the bed to receive the afterbirth and stitch up his patient’s tears.
Mattie looked down at the nameless pink baby. The forceps had left blue and purple bruises around the baby’s ears. The infant was already licking her lips and bobbing her head in search of food. Drawing up her shirt, Mattie exposed a full breast with a large nipple ready for an infant’s mouth. Mattie took her breast in hand and gently tickled the tiny lips with the raised nub until the baby opened her mouth wide. Then Mattie swiftly pulled the eager mouth over her breast. The baby sucked vigorously until Mattie felt the familiar tug as her milk flowed. She settled back on the soft, cushioned chair, holding the baby girl against her heart. Gazing at this new life, Mattie thought about her beautiful son, asleep on a hard pallet in another world only two hundred steps away.
Before the newborn finished suckling, the big white woman with the tight bun interrupted, “You will call the baby Miss Elizabeth. I am Mrs. Gray, the housekeeper. Follow me.”
Mattie gently removed Miss Elizabeth from her breast and re-arranged her own clothing. Using her finger as a pacifier to soothe the newborn, she followed with the sticky baby in her arms.
Mrs. Gray led the pair along the dimly lit hall to a large room at the back of the house. A green couch and beige chairs were arranged around a fireplace on the right side of the room. Straight ahead, a bed and a rocking chair nestled close to a long window. The housekeeper did not stop here, but crossed left to another door that led to a small, windowless chamber. A low bed, covered with a faded quilt, occupied most of the room, and a small cupboard took up what little space remained. On the far wall was another door.
Standing in the doorway between the two rooms, Mrs. Gray lectured, “The large room is Miss Elizabeth’s. You will sleep in here. The rear door leads to the servant hallway and stairs. You are to take the front staircase only when you are accompanying Miss Elizabeth. When she is not with you, you will use the rear staircase. There are two sets of clothes for your use—two dresses and two nightgowns—in this wardrobe.” Mrs. Gray pointed as Mattie struggled to follow her directions. “You will place one day gown and one nightgown in the chute each Monday morning—that is the day after the Sabbath. You may not have your clothes laundered more than once a week. You will not be needing that head rag any longer, so that will be thrown out. Emily, the second-floor maid, will bring you meals three times a day. If you have any questions, you may ask Emily; she is fully aware of the routines of the household. You will be told when Miss Elizabeth is to be taken outside her room.”
Mrs. Gray stared at Mattie. “Becoming a house slave is a rare privilege. I trust you will not abuse it?”
“Yes, ma’am,” replied Mattie.
“Warm wash water is on the stand by Miss Elizabeth’s dresser,” Mrs. Gray instructed as they returned to Miss Elizabeth’s room. “Bathe her before the water is chilled.”
After Mrs. Gray left, Mattie looked at the infant cradled in her arms and remarked, “Look like it just us, little girl. Don’ know what I gonna do with you, suppose we gonna figure it out together. First we look round your room then we gonna wash you up.”
Mattie walked Miss Elizabeth around the room and took in her new surroundings. Long strips of dark green material hung on poles suspended across the wall a few inches below the ceiling. After crossing to touch the smooth silk, Mattie realized it covered something. Parting the drapes, she saw two long windows. Mattie had seen glass, knew the word for it, but had never touched it. She rubbed her rough fingertips up and down the cold, smooth surface. Gazing out, her breath caught at the sight of the slave quarters lit by the rays of the early morning sun.
Disoriented, viewing her home from above, she puzzled out which dwelling belonged to which family. When she found her own cabin, the fifth in the row with log benches in back, her heart leapt. She searched for Samuel and Poppy. But they were not in sight. Staring out the window, yearning for a glimpse of them, her eyes welled up with tears and her heart tightened.
Miss Elizabeth’s mewling brought Mattie’s attention back to the baby. She gave the infant her finger and then looked around again. To the left of the windows, a narrow bed in a rich cherry wood was covered with a newly made, tightly stitched patchwork quilt. The bright fabrics formed a flying geese pattern set to take flight out the window. She sat upon the bed, marveling at its comfort and the feel of smooth fabric.
“You got yourself a fine place to sleep, baby girl, not that you gonna be usin’ it anytime soon.”
To the right of the window, in the corner, a brightly polished rocking chair waited. A matching chest of drawers with a quilted pad on top stood next to it. She laid the baby on top, next to the wash bowl with warm water. Opening each drawer, Mattie found finely stitched baby gowns, socks, diapers, and bonnets rolled in tight packages like eggs waiting to hatch. Looking down at the infant, Mattie remarked with a shake of her head, “You already got more clothes than the field hands all put together.”
Mattie selected a set of smooth cotton clothes and laid them on the bed. She carefully unwrapped the floppy infant and dipped the girl in the shallow bowl of lukewarm water. Miss Elizabeth cried in protest as Mattie rubbed away white vernix and red blood, the last vestiges of the womb.
“Hush, hush. You gonna be all right. It not so
bad,” Mattie assured Miss Elizabeth. “We all done now. The worst of it over.”
Mattie quickly tied a soft flannel diaper on the baby. She tugged a crisp white gown over her downy-topped head, being careful to avoid the bruised and tender areas of Elizabeth’s face, then Mattie pulled the baby’s thin, mottled arms through the gown’s puffy sleeves. After being swaddled tight in a flannel blanket, the newborn relaxed and stared intently up at Mattie.
“See, you all right now,” Mattie murmured to the infant. “You all clean.” Despite exhaustion and sorrow, Mattie was curious about this place. “We gonna see about the rest of your room now. What this over here?” Mattie wondered out loud as she walked to the furniture near the fireplace and perched upon the green velvet davenport. She explored the movements of the springs by bouncing up and down. Next she shifted to each chair in turn and attempted to bounce on them, but they were hard and did not move.
Leaving a swaddled Miss Elizabeth nestled at the back of the davenport, Mattie knelt down to examine the intricate tile work on the hearth and around the façade of the fireplace. It was cold like the windows, but filled with rich colors in shades of green and gold. Tracing the swirling colors with her finger she stood up and was startled at the sight of movement in front of her.
“Hello!” she called out.
There was no reply. She leaned forward to get a better view of the scene. A woman came toward her. Mattie jumped back in surprise. The woman retreated as she did. Cautiously she raised a hand to the glass. It felt cool and smooth. She peered in closely then turned to examine the room, then turned back again. The room spread in front of her and behind her. This was like looking in water. Standing in front of the mirror, she tilted her head left and right, opened her mouth, poked out her tongue, and studied her own reflection.
She looked carefully at her own round eyes, seeing them clearly for the first time. As a child, she’d been told they were like her mother’s. In this reflection, she now saw that was true. She reached up to touch her face, watching her own hand explore her cheeks, lips, and nose. Mattie searched for Samuel’s features in her own. The nose, she decided. She and Samuel shared a nose. And maybe the ears.