“James!” I called out. There was so much left unsaid and I didn’t want to die without resolving it.
He folded his arms behind his back, his eyes guarded. “I know we need to talk, Jade. But it will have to wait.”
I frowned, but let him go. My hand reached up, searching for my medallion out of habit before I remembered it was gone. Ducking my head, I turned to walk towards the cabin James had set aside for me.
I closed the door and leaned back against the strong wood. And finally, for the first time since I’d pulled my sword from August’s body, I let myself feel what I’d done.
It was as if a crack split the dam of my emotions, and with the fury of a tidal wave they rushed through me—grief, anger, guilt, shame—each whirring in an unending loop. August’s blood painted my hands . . . what had I done?
My hands raked through my hair, snagging on my engagement ring. The ring felt like an anchor on my hand, weighed down by August’s death. I slid off the ring and left it by the sink, now unworthy of it. The once sparkling diamonds were covered with a film of red. Blood still hid in the crevices, obscuring the jewels gleam.
I stared at my bare finger, then both of my hands. They had ended a life in its prime. His parents would never see him again or laugh at one of his satirical commentaries. A whole kingdom lost their future king. I’d stolen him from them. August would never grow old, he’d never . . . he’d never do anything again. Instead of ruling a kingdom, a sword pierced his chest, his blood flowed out of his body onto my hands. I could still feel it, smell it.
Before I fully realized what I was doing, I was at the basin in my room, ignoring the throbbing in my scars as I tried to get the blood off my skin. I scrubbed harder, making the skin turn raw, and long after the blood was gone I still didn’t feel clean, until finally my stomach turned and I leaned over the sink, vomiting.
When my stomach was empty, I shed my dirty, torn dress only to find myself covered in the blood of my sin, the rust-colored stain of blood clinging to my skin.
I filled the polished walnut tub with water and climbed in, bypassing the scented scrubs and clutching instead the strongest bar of lye soap. I scrubbed every inch of my body, trying to rid myself of the taint of August’s death. It left my skin raw and screaming in protest. I scrubbed even harder, determined to wash away my horrible mistake, sure that enough water and strong soap could erase the cold pit in my heart. I washed until the pain overwhelmed me and I surrendered, dropping the soap into the tub, unable to scrub any longer, and finally accepting that I would never be clean again.
The water sloshed onto the ground when a knock at the door startled me.
“Jade?” James asked.
He’d come to talk to me. I placed a hand over my heart, the corner of my lips lifting. “Give me a moment.”
“No need,” he said through the door.” The captain from the naval ship gave word that my father would be waiting for us at the dock. I wanted to give you time to prepare yourself.”
I listened to his retreating footsteps and sunk into the now cold water. As soon as I stepped off the ship, I’d have to face the king and confess my crime. And then he’d order my death. My hand went to my throat—I could already feel the noose tightening around my neck.
Chapter 6
Despite the slow pace of our badly damaged ship, we arrived back in the kingdom within hours. The naval ship towed us most of the way until repairs to the Iris allowed it to sail on its own. The larger ship sent word ahead by carrier pigeon to prepare for our arrival.
I stood on the bow of the ship next to James, who barely seemed to notice I was there, he was so lost in his own thoughts. The breeze rustled my wet hair and made my damp dress—still stained with August’s blood despite my scrubbing—cling to me. With my torn lace, soiled bodice, and tangled hair, I must have looked as tattered as I felt.
We docked at a different pier than the one we’d departed from. Instead of mongers and colorful stalls, a large group of people filled this one: the king and James’s stepmother, Lady Meredith, surrounded by the most powerful men in the kingdom. Men who would soon, rightly, condemn me.
“Do they know?” I asked James.
He was silent for so long I thought he hadn’t heard me. Finally, he said, “Not about August.” James ran his hand over his face. “He knows we left the barrier and were set upon by pirates. It’s enough.”
“Your father looks like he’s near apoplexy.”
For a brief moment, a small smile flashed on James’s face—for that moment, it was as if we’d fallen back into our old camaraderie where we shared our deepest secrets—but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. “I don’t know how he’ll take the news that you . . .” his voice shook as his sentence trailed into a silent accusation.
I knew my sins. I accepted my punishment. And yet, I wished everything could be different. But hadn’t I wished the opposite only hours before, wanting death over a life with August? Irony was a cruel teacher.
I stared from the king to the members of his council. Which of them would order my death? It couldn’t be Lady Meredith; her political power was as non-existent as my own, despite being married to the king. Even if I’d married August and he ascended to the throne, my title would have remained ‘Emmía,’ never ‘Queen.’
The captain of the naval vessel was speaking with the group. How much had they heard? What had they guessed? If they knew what had happened, I would be taken into custody the instant my feet touched the pier. As much as I dreaded it, I needed the release the truth would bring. Hopefully it would loosen the asphyxiating hold my guilt had one me.
Had it been only hours earlier since James had whisked me away for an afternoon sailing? When we left, we’d been a couple in love, desperate to spend as much time together as possible before my wedding. Now . . . well, everything had changed.
Thoughts kept blaring louder in my mind. How had this happened? Why had James put us in such a perilous position? I knew were taking a chance, being selfish, but not reckless. What had he planned? I couldn’t begin to guess. He’d promised me an adventure, but leaving the barrier? It seemed so out of character for James, so disloyal to Orea. I couldn’t believe his own medallion hadn’t fallen off. His actions were verging on treason.
From the dock, Lady Meredith gave me an encouraging nod, probably the last I’d ever get from her once she knew what I’d done. The days of her bringing me tea, telling me stories, and admiring the etchings on my ancient Emmía medallion were over. As ever, the king was dressed perfectly, his posture ramrod straight, a scowl on his face. His angry eyes traveled over me, no doubt noting the tears in my damp gown and my wet hair.
My breath hitched and I looked away from the king, holding the ship’s railing to keep my knees from buckling as the vessel lurched to a halt. I shivered in guilt and fear. James set a shawl over me and pulled it tight, but whether to comfort me or to hide my telltale throat, I couldn’t tell.
“Take my arm,” James said. “Let me do the talking.”
The king’s face was almost purple. His forehead wrinkled and his hands fisted by his sides. James rubbed my arm as we approached his father. It provided me with some comfort, at least.
“Father,” James greeted respectfully as I curtsied.
“Son,” the King returned, his voice as cold as his eyes. He clenched his teeth together as if holding back a tidal wave of words. I shuddered at the thought of having to diffuse his anger alone, and clutched James's arm even tighter. I knew how quickly his temper flared. The scar on James’s arm and the bruises and bumps he had suffered over the years were proof of that.
My mouth felt dryer than the cursed soil, but my soul longed to confess. “Your majesty,” I started.
“Not here,” he snapped. “Follow me.”
He spun around and marched toward the castle. We followed behind, pulled like ships in his wake. No one spoke as we walked back to the palace, and only the cries of the gulls filled the silence. My mind whirled with unanswered
questions and unsolved problems.
The king dismissed his entourage as soon as we stepped into the hall. “Come,” he ordered, motioning James and me to the hall that led to a small, less formal meeting chamber.
“You can speak with me alone,” James replied, pushing me slightly behind him.
“What? No. Your majesty, I—”
“Jade.” James cut me off. “I have something I need to tell my father.”
“But I—”
“I need to speak to him alone.” His eyes conveyed his meaning. He wanted to be the one to break the news about August. “I’ll see you when I’m finished.”
Putting this off seemed unbearable, but after what I’d done, how could I not give James what he wanted? I dipped into a curtsey before leaving the room.
After twenty steps, I heard the hinges on the massive door squeak as they admitted James and his father into the meeting room. They banged closed, the sound of the knocker rattling against the metal plate echoing in the air.
I stopped. Like the tide following the moon, I was drawn to the door. I had to know what was being said between them.
My heeled shoes clumped on the stone floor and I held my breath, my eyes darting about until I dared move closer. I wished fervently that I could be Gabrielle at that moment. With her ability in magic, I could have easily silenced my footsteps and erased any chance for discovery. As silently as I could, I ghosted toward the door and pressed my ear against the cold metal. Their voices were muffled, but I could still make out what was being said.
“What were you doing outside the boundary?” the king demanded, his voice livid as his footsteps paced around the room.
I covered my mouth to keep from groaning. James’s father would never forgive him for this mistake.
“I needed a final moment with Jade before the wedding.”
His father's shocked silence greeted this pronouncement.
“You know how I feel about her. You’ve always known,” James continued. “Can you begrudge me the need for this one indulgence?”
“Yes!” A loud crash sounded against the wall as if something had been thrown. “I’ve told you to stay away from her.” The king grunted, his heavy shoes thumping the floor as he paced around the room again. “Do you realize how badly this could have ended? You almost lost everything.”
“I know,” James said softly. “There’s something more I need to tell you.”
I bit back a sob at the despair in his voice.
“We were set upon by pirates and . . . and August was killed in the battle.”
My heart stilled for an instance. Why had James phrased it like I had nothing to do with it? The king’s mighty roar, full of unbearable pain—pain that I had caused—hit me like a physical blow.
I turned and fled.
Racing up the main staircase, I took the steps two at a time until I tripped, landing painfully on the cold marble tread. I picked myself up, continuing in a daze until I reached my room. Once inside, I fell against the door, panting.
Had it just been this afternoon when I had wished for the gallows instead of a life beside August? My mother had always told me to be careful what I wished for, but I had never wished for his death. Unbidden, his lifeless image formed in my mind, his accusing eyes haunting me.
I looked at my wedding dress displayed on the dressmaker’s frame next to my vanity. The brightness of its spotless fabric seemed to mock me. My hands would ever be stained with blood, never able to touch the fabric without soiling it.
“How was your first time out at sea?” Pearl asked, hunched over an embroidery hoop. “Was it the adventure you hoped?” She looked up and her smile faded. “Jade, what’s wrong?”
I braided my fingers in front of me and walked toward the window, staring out into the dark night sky. Her gaze pressed on me until finally I turned enough to face her, tugged at my shawl and let it fall to the floor, revealing my bare throat.
“Where’s your medallion? Did you and James . . .?”
I couldn't answer her; my lips wouldn’t move. I pressed my forehead to the cool glass and studied the pinpricks of stars in the inky night.
“Oh Jade.” Pearl rushed to me and wrapped her arms around me. “What happened?”
“I killed him.”
Pearl pulled back, her pupils widening. “What?”
“August.” I turned away, unable to see my surroundings as a flash of August’s death invaded my mind—him clasping at his wound while sweat pasted his brown curls to his forehead. He’d always seemed so strong, so powerful and threatening, and now he was gone. “It was an accident. James took us outside the barrier, and we were attacked by pirates . . .” My voice trembled and I bit my lip. Guilt slashed my insides like a cutlass and suddenly I couldn’t keep the words in. “I was fighting to protect James. I didn’t know August was behind me when I thrust my sword. I didn’t know . . . I broke two Edicts, Pearl, two! I killed a man and I betrayed the kingdom.” I turned back to the window. “I deserve to die.”
“No!” Pearl spun me around, her arms gripping my shoulders tight. “Who knows about this?”
“James,” I said dully. “He saw it happen. Possibly a few crew members, but he ordered their silence.”
“Did you already tell the king?”
I shook my head, my wet hair slapping against my face. “No. James wouldn’t let me. He wanted to tell his father himself, and I overheard their conversation. He told the king that August was killed in the skirmish with the pirates.” His father would swallow the evasion more easily than the truth, never believing I had the skills to kill August. “I don’t think James will ever forgive me. I . . . I don’t understand why he’s protecting me. Why he lied for me.”
Pearl frowned. “James still loves you. But it is confusing; he’s fully committed to our Edicts.”
“So am I,” I said in a small voice. Could I still claim that? Did I have the right? “I broke the Edicts by wielding the sword that slew August.” I cringed as the thud of the weapon piercing his chest resonated in my mind. I took a shuddering breath. “I deserve my punishment. I’m just . . . scared. I’m scared to die.”
Pearl look shocked. “You’re not going to die, Jade. You didn’t do it on purpose. In battle, accidents happen, even in the military. What you’ve done is no different.”
I shook my head. “This is completely different. I killed the heir. My fiancé.”
“It was an accident.” She gathered me in her arms and stroked my tangled hair.
“I know, but—”
A quick rap on the door startled us from our conversation.
“Jade? Are you there?”
My breath caught at the sound of James’s voice. Part of me thought he’d avoid me after he’d spoken with his father. And I wouldn’t have blamed him.
James knocked again and I worried my hands together, feeling both terrified and hopeful of what he might say. But even if I gained his forgiveness, it would never make us whole again. Like a broken mirror, even if the shards could be pieced back together, the cracks would always remain.
Pearl squeezed both my shoulders. “Good luck,” she said before turning and opening the door.
James stood stiffly at the entrance and nodded his head to Pearl.
“Highness,” Pearl said as she curtsied.
She gave me one more worried glance before slipping out the door.
James’s eyes were fixed on mine, but he spoke to the guard behind him. “Rasminson, make sure no one enters this room while I speak with Jade.” The guard nodded. James stepped in and shut the door behind him. “I’m ready to talk.”
James hadn’t changed his bloody clothes. He looked pale, his normally neat hair in a tangled mess, and his wounds still oozed through its bandage.
“I know.” I swallowed hard, unsure how to start. “I’m so sorry James. I never—”
He held up his hand and my apology caught in my throat like shards of cut glass. It felt like an ocean separated us.
“I told
my father August was killed in the skirmish. By the pirates.”
“Why?” The single word was all I could manage.
“My father is with the body now. He’s locked himself in the room and refused entry to everyone—I doubt he can even hear us anymore. He’s . . . he’s inconsolable.” James looked at his hands. “He said it should have been me.”
My fingers covered my parted lips. “He didn’t mean that, James.”
The prince’s voice was dulled. “Yes he did.”
His words hung in the air, and with them came the certainty that just as I’d killed August, I’d killed any and all traces of James’s boundless optimism.
“Do you love me?” James still stared at his hands, and the words caught me by surprise.
“More than my own life.” I grabbed his hand. “I’d do anything for you.”
James’s muscles relaxed under my fingers. “Oh Jade.” His voice broke as he said my name. I threw my arms around him. He stood still as a tree in winter until I finally withdrew from him.
His shoulders sagged and he exhaled. “More than anything I want to believe you.” After a moment he stepped toward me and cupped his hand around my cheek, his thumb stroking my face. Slowly he lowered his lips until they rested so close they almost touched my own, and my pulse quickened. His hands were shaking. He took a deep breath and stared me in the eyes. “Tell me again that you love me.”
“I do love you.” I pushed his dirty hair from his bruised forehead. “You know that.”
“I never wanted to rule,” James said. “I’m too soft. I wasn’t meant for it. I’m not strong enough. I’m not . . . August.”
“You’ll be a better king than August ever could have been,” I said. “I’ve always thought so.”
James stiffened, looking at me with sudden horror. I’d said something wrong, but I had no idea what it was. “James, what is it?”