“I know you want me, too. Why do you torture us like this?”
“I…have to get to work.” Each syllable was a triumph.
“Let me make love to you,” Alek urged, his mouth close to her ear.
“No. We can’t. I…I’ll be late for work.” She didn’t wait for him to argue with her, but rushed toward her bedroom. Toward sanity.
By the time Julia reached her office, she was in a terrible mood. She blamed Alek for this. As much as she wished it, she wasn’t made of stone. She was flesh and blood. A woman. When he kissed her and touched her she experienced a certain sexual yearning.
It was inevitable. A mere physiological reaction. It meant nothing. He insisted she was in love with him, but Julia knew that was just talk. Sweet talk, with a single purpose. To seduce her.
Julia had been seduced before, by an artful master. In comparison, Alek was so much more honest and, therefore, easier to defend herself against. She refused to give in to his pressure, subtle or otherwise. As for misleading him, she had, but only to a limited degree.
Furious now, she marched into her office, reached for her phone and dialed Jerry’s extension. “Can you come up?”
“Yes. Is everything okay?”
“No.”
Jerry paused. “I thought things went hunky-dory with the inspector.”
“They did, as far as I know. This has to do with Alek.”
“I’ll be right up,” her brother said.
She was pacing her office with precise steps when he arrived. Julia stopped, angry with herself, feeling close to tears and not understanding why.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his concern evident in his eyes.
“I…there’s a problem.”
“With what?”
“Whom,” she corrected. “Aleksandr Berinski.”
Jerry frowned, then sighed with resignation. “What’s he done?”
“Everything… Listen, I don’t want to get into this. Let me make this as plain and simple as I can. I think it’s time he moved out of the condo. One of us has to and it’s either him or me.”
Six
“You want Alek out of your condo?” Jerry repeated.
“You heard me the first time,” she said impatiently. “Our marriage has been sanctioned by the government. What reason do we have to continue this charade?”
“Julia…”
She’d heard that tone all too often. “Jerry, I’m not in any mood to argue with you.” She walked around her desk and claimed her seat. Reaching for a file from her in-basket, she opened it. “I’ll leave the arrangements in your hands.”
“Do you plan to talk this over with Alek?”
She hadn’t thought of that. “It…won’t be necessary. He’ll get the picture once he hears from you.”
“I won’t do it.”
Her brother’s refusal caught her attention as nothing else could have. “What do you mean, you won’t do it?”
“First, I won’t have you treating Alek as though he’s…some pest you’re trying to get rid of.”
“It wouldn’t be like that,” she insisted, realizing even as she spoke that Jerry was right. She couldn’t treat Alek this way.
“Secondly,” her brother said, “it’d be crazy to throw everything away now. You think that just because you’ve passed some interview with an Immigration official, you’re in the clear. Think again, Julia. That’s exactly the kind of thing the government’s expecting.”
“They won’t know.”
“Don’t count on it. They make it their business to know.”
“Jerry, please.” She rarely pleaded with her brother. “The man’s impossible.… I’ve done my duty. What more do you expect of me?”
“Alek is your husband.”
“You’re beginning to sound just like him! He frightens me.… He makes me feel things I don’t want to feel. I’m scared, Jerry, really scared.” Close to tears, she covered her mouth, fearing she’d break down.
“I don’t know what to do,” Jerry said with a sympathetic shrug. “I wish I did, for your sake. Alek’s, too.”
With nothing left to say, he returned to his own office.
Her mood didn’t improve when two hours later Alek unexpectedly showed up. He walked into her office without waiting for her assistant to announce him. Julia happened to be on the phone at the time and she glanced up, irritated by the intrusion. Alek glared at her, and every minute she delayed appeared to infuriate him further.
He began to pace, pausing every other step to turn and scowl in her direction.
Julia finished her conversation as quickly as she could without being rude—and without letting him believe he was intimidating her.
“You wanted something?” she asked calmly as she replaced the receiver.
Anger was etched on his features. “Yes, I do. I understand you spoke to Jerry this morning about one of us moving. I want to know what’s going on in that head of yours.”
Julia folded her hands on her desk. “It seemed the logical thing to do.”
“Why?”
She stood, feeling at a distinct disadvantage sitting. “It makes sense. The only reason we were living together was for show because—”
“We’re living together, my dear wife, because we’re married.”
“In name only.”
He muttered something blistering in Russian, and Julia was grateful she couldn’t understand him.
“You deny your vows. You abuse my pride by involving your brother. You ask for patience and then stab me in the back.”
“I…explained on our wedding day that I need time. I let you know you were being cheated in this marriage. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.” Contacting Jerry had been wrong, she saw now. But she was frightened and growing more so each day. No longer could she ignore the powerful attraction she felt for Alek. No longer could she ignore his touch. He was chipping away at the barrier she’d erected to protect herself from feelings. From love. He was working his way into her life and her heart. She had to do something.
“You are my wife,” Alek shouted.
Julia closed her eyes at the anger in his voice.
“I’m not a very good one,” she whispered.
“We are married, Julia. When will you accept that?” He turned away from her and stalked to the door.
“I…don’t know if I can.”
At her words, he spun around.
They stood no more than a few feet apart, yet an ocean might have lain between them. He was furious with her and she with him.
“I may never be your wife in the way you want.” Julia didn’t know what drove her to say that.
And yet, at the same moment, she realized she wanted him. Needed him. And that frightened her half to death.
“You’re afraid, aren’t you?” he asked as if he could read her thoughts. “Afraid you aren’t woman enough to satisfy me. That’s what’s behind all this, isn’t it? That, and the fact that you’re afraid to trust another man. But I’m not like the one who hurt you, Julia, whoever he was. I’m not like him at all. I respect you—and I want you. Which, if you’re honest, is how you feel about me, too.”
Stricken, Julia closed her eyes. It felt as if he’d blinded her with the truth, identified her fears, hurled them at her to explain or reject.
“Julia?”
She sobbed once, the sound nearly hysterical as she backed away from him.
“I didn’t mean…” he began.
She stopped him by holding out her arm.
He cursed under his breath, and reaching for her, drew her into his arms. She didn’t resist. Without pause he lowered his head and covered her mouth, sealing their lips together in a wild kiss. The craziness increased with each impatient twist of their heads, growing in frenzied desperation.
Her breasts tingled and her body grew hot as his powerful hands held her against him. It was where she wanted to be.…
His hands were busy with the zipper at the back of her straight, no-nonsense bus
iness skirt. It hissed as he lowered it. Julia made a token protest, which he cut off with a bone-melting kiss.
“I’m through fighting you,” he whispered. “Will you stop fighting me?”
He gently brought his mouth back to hers. They were so close Julia felt as if they were drawing in the same breath, as if they required only one heart to beat between them.
Sobbing, she slid her arms around his neck and buried her face, taking deep, uneven breaths. Not understanding her own desperate need, she clung to him as a low cry emerged from her lips. The grief she felt was overwhelming. She was lamenting the wasted years, when she’d closed herself off from life. Ever since her father’s death and Roger’s betrayal, she’d lived in limbo, rejecting love and laughter. Rejecting and punishing herself.
“Julia,” Alek whispered, stroking her hair, “what is it?”
She shook her head, unable to answer.
“Say it,” he told her softly, sitting in her chair and taking her with him so she was nestled in his lap. “Tell me you need me. Tell me you want me, too.”
She sobbed and with tears streaming down her face, she nodded.
“That’s not good enough. I want the words.”
“I…need you. Oh, Alek, I’m so scared.”
He held her, kissed her gently, reassured her while she rested her head on his shoulder and cried until her tears were spent.
“I don’t know why you put up with me,” she finally gasped.
“You don’t?” he asked, chuckling softly. “I have the feeling you’ll figure it out soon enough, my love.”
Her intercom hummed and Virginia’s voice echoed through the silence. “Your nine-thirty appointment is here.”
Her eyes regretfully met Alek’s.
“Send whoever it is away,” Alek urged.
“I…I can’t do that.”
“I know,” he said, and kissed the tip of her nose. He released her slowly.
* * *
Just when Julia was convinced her day couldn’t possibly get any more complicated, she received a call from Virginia Mason Hospital. Her grandmother had slipped into a coma.
Jerry was away, so she left a message for him and for Alek, canceled her appointments for the rest of the day and drove directly to the hospital.
Julia realized the instant she walked into her grandmother’s room that Ruth’s hold on life was tenuous, a slender thread. Her heart was failing, and Julia felt as though her own heart was in jeopardy, too.
In the past few years she’d faced a handful of crises, starting with the fire that had nearly destroyed the business and their family. Her father’s death had followed. Immediately afterward she’d realized Roger had used her, had sold out her family. And her.
Ruth, her beloved Ruth, was dying, and Julia was powerless to stop it. She was terrified. For the past months she’d watched helplessly as her grandmother’s health deteriorated.
Sitting at Ruth’s bedside now, Julia could almost hear the older woman’s calming voice. “My death is inevitable—” the unspoken words rang in her head “—but not unwelcome.”
Silently Julia pleaded with her grandmother to live just a little longer, to give her time to adjust, to grant her a few days to gather her courage. Even as she spoke, Julia recognized how selfish she was being, thinking of herself, of her own pain. But she couldn’t make herself stop praying that God would spare her grandmother.
“You have walked through your pain,” the silent voice continued. “The journey has made you wiser and far stronger than you know.”
Julia wanted to argue. She didn’t feel strong. Not when it seemed Ruth was about to be taken from her. She felt pushed to the limits, looking both ways—toward despair in one direction and hope in the other, toward doubt and faith.
An hour passed as Julia struggled with her grief, refusing to let it overwhelm her. Fear controlled her, the knowledge that if she gave in to her grief, she might never regain her sanity.
“Please,” she pleaded aloud, praying Ruth heard her. It was the selfish prayer of a frightened child.
Jerry arrived, pale and shaken. “What happened?”
Julia shrugged. Their grandmother’s physician, Dr. Silverman, had been in earlier to explain the medical symptoms and reasons. Most of what he’d said had meant only one thing. Ruth was close to death.
“She’s in a coma,” Julia answered. “I talked to her doctor earlier. He’s surprised she’s hung on this long.”
Her brother pulled out a chair and sat down next to Julia. “I love this old woman, really love her.”
“What are we going to do without her, Jerry?”
Her brother shook his head. “I don’t know. We’ll make do the way we always have, I suppose.”
“I’m going to miss her so much.” Julia heard the tears in her voice.
“I know.” He reached for Julia’s hand and gently squeezed it. “Alek phoned. He’ll be here as soon as he can.”
Julia instinctively wanted Alek with her. She’d never needed him like this before. That thought produced another regret. Alek was devoted to her and she didn’t deserve it. She’d treated him terribly and yet he loved her.
Her grief, fed by her burning tears and broken dreams, was overwhelming. She couldn’t sit still; she stood and started pacing, then returned to her chair.
They sat silently for another hour. She did what she could to make her grandmother more comfortable. She held Ruth’s hand, read her favorite passages from Scripture, stroked her forehead.
“I have to go.” Jerry spoke from behind her.
Understanding, Julia nodded. She loved her brother and knew he was grieving in his own way. She was grateful he was leaving; she preferred this time alone with Ruth.
“When will you go home?” he asked.
“I don’t know yet.”
The next thing she heard was the sound of the door closing. Being alone was a relief and a burden. Julia recognized the inconsistency of her reactions. Never had she craved Alek’s company more, and yet she wanted these hours alone with her grandmother, sensing that it would be the last time they’d be together.
She found it ironic that hope and despair could feel the same to her.
The nurses came in a number of times. One encouraged her to take a break, go have some dinner, but Julia refused. She was afraid to leave, fearing that once she did, her grandmother would quietly release her hold on life.
Leaning her forehead against the side of the hospital bed, Julia must have dozed because the next thing she knew Alek was there.
“How is she?”
“There’s been no change.”
Alek sat down next to Julia. “Have you had dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Alek nodded and when he spoke again it was in his own language, which had a distinct beauty. Whatever he was saying seemed to please her grandmother because Ruth smiled. At first Julia was convinced she’d imagined it, which would’ve been easy enough to do. But there was no denying the change in Ruth’s ashen features.
“It’s midnight, my love.”
Julia glanced at her watch, sure he was mistaken. She must have slept longer than she’d realized.
“Come,” he said, standing behind her, his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll drive you home.”
She shook her head, unwilling to leave.
“You aren’t doing her any good, and you’re running yourself down, both physically and mentally.”
“You go ahead,” she said. “I’ll stay a little longer.”
She heard the frustration in his sigh. “I’m not leaving without you. You’re exhausted.”
“I’m afraid to leave her,” she whispered brokenly. The time had come for the truth, painful though it was. Julia was surprised she’d chosen to voice it to Alek and not her brother.
“Why?” her husband inquired gently.
She was glad he was standing behind her and couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “If Ruth dies, when she dies, a part of me will go wit
h her.” The best part, Julia feared. Something would perish in her own heart. Her faith in God and in herself would be shaken, and she wondered if this time the damage would be beyond repair.
“Do you wish to bind her to this life, this pain?”
“No,” Julia answered honestly. Yet she held on to Ruth fiercely.
A part of Julia had died with her father. It had been joy. Trust had vanished afterward when she realized everything he’d told her about Roger was true. She hadn’t wanted to believe her father, had argued with him, fought with him. It was while they were shouting at each other that he’d suffered the heart attack that had prematurely claimed his life.
Joy had faded from her soul that afternoon, replaced by guilt. In the years since, she’d made a semicom-fortable life for herself. She wasn’t happy, nor was she unhappy. She buried herself in her work, the desire to succeed propelling her forward, dictating her actions. Her goal was to undo the damage Roger had done to the company. First she would rebuild Conrad Industries to its former glory and then continue on the course her father had so carefully charted.
She was making progress, not only with the company, but with her life. Encouraged by Ruth, Julia was just beginning to recapture some of the enthusiasm she’d lost. She could laugh occasionally, even joke every now and then.
It had seemed impossible that she’d ever again feel anything but the weight of her sadness. Then, without being aware of the transformation, she realized she was feeling again, and it had started after her marriage to Alek.
Now here she was, trapped in pain and fear, and it was too soon. Much too soon.
“Come.” Alek took her by the shoulders.
She followed because she didn’t have the strength to resist. Leaning forward, she kissed Ruth’s cheek and felt the tears run down her own.
* * *
Alek gently guided his wife from the hospital room. He kept his arm around her, wanting to lend her his strength. She would never admit she needed him, never confess she was pleased he’d come to be with her. He’d been at the airport that afternoon, dealing with the Immigration people, working out the final details of his sister’s entry into the country. He’d been torn between his duty to his sister and Julia.