“Hey, hey, shhh,” Granger tries to soothe me.
“She’s in shock, get her back, G.”
I scream and cry the entire way back, shaking and laying in blood and vomit. When we get to the warehouse, I hear frantic voices. Granger leaps from the car, I hear him talking, and then I hear the door swing open. I’m on the floor, curled in a ball, still screaming.
“Oh shit, get Jackson.”
Spike.
“Fuck.”
Cade.
“Jackson!” Granger bellows. “Out here, now!”
I hear the crunching of boots, and then I hear his voice, like my calm breaking through the panic.
“Oh fuck, baby.”
I feel a set of arms grip me, and pull me up. I’m covered still, but I keep my eyes clenched. I feel my head press to a hard chest, and right away I know whose it is. Jackson. I am still screaming; I can’t stop it, even though I want to.
“I’m here,” he murmurs, turning and walking. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”
He walks inside, I hear voices, Addison’s I think. I stop screaming, and instead shake violently in Jackson’s arms. He walks into a shower, and closes the door, and then very gently he places me on my feet, wrapping an arm around my waist.
“Keep your eyes closed, I got you baby. I’m here. I’ve got you.”
I keep my eyes closed, and a little shaky, whiny sound escapes my throat. He lifts my arms, and slides my shirt off, and then he pulls my pants off. I hear him shuffle around, and open the door.
“Get rid of that, now,” he orders someone.
Soon he’s with me again, his arms around me, pulling me into the shower. The warm water washes over me, though it really doesn’t soothe anything. Jackson’s hands rub over my body, and I realize he’s got his palms filled with soap. I don’t move. I don’t make a sound. I just stand there, unmoving. Jackson washes my hair four times, and my skin five, and then he tugs me gently out of the shower and wraps a towel around me.
“Baby, I need you to open your eyes for me,” he encourages.
I don’t.
“Please, look at me.”
I shake my head, clutching his arms. He wraps himself around me, tucking me into his big frame. I cling to him, not wanting to let go.
“I’m sorry,” he rasps. “So fuckin’ sorry.”
I don’t speak, I just hang onto him. I just need something to hold on to. He leans down, scooping me into his arms again, and then he carries me out into the main area and over to his small, private space. He sets me down on the large air mattress, and gently strokes my hair.
“Daddy,” I hear Addison’s voice. “Is she...ok?”
“I don’t know baby,” Jackson rasps, like he’s about to breakdown. “I don’t know. She won’t talk. She won’t open her eyes.”
“Can I try?” Addison asks.
“Yeah, I need to go and sort out this mess.”
Like my body comes to life, I bolt upright and scream, “No! Please, don’t leave me again!”
Jackson flinches, and his eyes are bloodshot red. He has wet jeans on, and no shirt. I start to shake, swinging my head from side to side. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want him to go. I want him to stay with me. I need him.
“Jackson, no, please. Don’t leave me.”
He walks over, dropping to his knees. “I’m not leaving you, baby. I’m here, you hear me?”
He wraps me in his arms, and lays us both down. He holds me so tightly I struggle to breathe, but I don’t care. I need it. I need him. I cling to him, shaking wildly.
“Stop shakin’ for me, darlin’. It’s ok. I got you. I won’t let you go.”
“I’m s-s-s-sorry. This...is all my fault.”
“Hush.”
He holds me tighter, until my world begins to spin and everything goes black.
I’m thankful for that darkness.
~*~**~*~
JACKSON
“She needs to eat,” Spike says, as we stare in at Serenity, who is curled up like a tiny fairy, sleeping.
“I don’t know if she will, fuck, she saw some bad shit.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Sorry man, I know he was one of your guys,” I say, clapping Spike’s shoulder.
“It’s fucked, but sometimes it happens. We are holding a service for him next week.”
“He have a family?”
“No, thank fuck.”
“What are we goin’ to do about Hogan?” I ask, feeling my fists clench.
“I don’t know, we need to call a meeting and get a game plan underway. We don’t have long. He’ll be on the hunt now.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I know.”
“Get your girl sorted and I’ll call a meeting.”
I nod. “Thanks Spike, for everything.”
He grips my shoulder. “I know what it’s like to hurt, boss. Sometimes you go to a place you can’t get out of. You’re out now, and all will come good.”
“I fuckin’ hope so.”
“Yeah,” Spike says, turning and walking to the door. “So do I.”
I turn back to Serenity, and grip the small plate of sandwiches off the table, and carry it over to the bed. Looking at her sleeping, her tiny body all bruised and battered again, makes my body coil up with regret. The poor girl, I was an asshole to her, and I put her in a position that could have gotten her killed. I could have killed her, and my child.
I reach down, running my fingers over her thick hair. She groans and shifts, and I see how skinny she’s gotten in the past few days. Poor thing, it’s my fault for being such a pig to her. I gently shake her, and she groans again, fluttering her eyes open. She looks up at me for a moment, seeing nothing, and then her eyes soften and my heart fucking rips in half. After it all, she’s still lookin’ at me like I’m her knight in shining motherufckin’ armor.
“Hey beautiful,” I say. “You need to wake up. You’ve been asleep for hours.”
She blinks, and I notice her eyes are red and glassy. She rubs them, and forces herself up on her elbows.
“I...I don’t feel so good.”
“You need to eat for me,” I say, pushing the plate towards her.
“I...c-c-can’t.”
“Baby,” I say, dropping onto the bed. “For me? Please.”
Nodding, she lifts the sandwich into her hands and nibbles on it.
“You need some painkillers?”
She shakes her head. “I’m ok.”
“Are you sure? What about...ummm...”
“The baby?” she whispers, looking at me through her lashes.
“Yeah, the baby.”
“I don’t know...I think I need to see a doctor.”
My heart hammers. “Why?”
She shrugs. “Well...all the beatings and dehydration...”
“Fuck, this is all my fault.”
She shakes her head, reaching out and gripping my hands. “No, this one is my fault. I lied; I put myself in this position.”
“Why’d you do it?” I rasp, and her eyes well with tears.
“He would have hurt her Jackson; he would have killed Ebony without a second glance. I couldn’t do that to a child. I didn’t want to do it, so I lied, I made up as much as I could to send him off the trail. I know it means nothing to you right now, but I am sorry. I never wanted to do it, as soon as I got to know you; I knew I couldn’t keep going with it. I had no escape, the only way out was telling you, and that meant loosing you, so I put it off...”
I meet her gaze, and she’s staring at me with hopeful eyes.
“I would have done the same thing, in the end...”
Her lip trembles, and she squeezes my hands harder. “I meant what I said out there the other day, you know...”
“What?” I ask.
Fuck. My eyes are burning. Toughen up, Jackson.
“About loving you...I do...I love you, Jackson.”
I close my eyes, fuck, those words. They crush me. They fucking crush me.
/> “I...” I get to my feet. “You’re too young for me, fuck, Serenity...I can’t...It’s not...”
Her face.
Fuck.
She’s looking at me like I’ve just ripped her heart out.
“You don’t feel the same?” she whispers, trembling.
“I...what I feel doesn’t matter. I’m no good for you, or...”
“Jackson,” she pleads. “Don’t leave me again.”
“Fuck,” I spin around and walk out quickly.
I can’t love her. I can’t. It’s not right. It makes no sense. She’s a baby, having my baby.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I can’t do this.
Can I?
~*CHAPTER 20*~
SERENITY
I sit on the bed, completely stunned. He walked out. I told him I loved him, and he walked out. Is that all my words meant to him? Has he been just trying to find a way out all this time? My stomach turns, and I shift from the bed, standing up. That’s when it hits me - a sharp, angry pain in my lower belly. I cry out, clutching my stomach as my head begins to spin. No, oh please no.
“J-Jackson?” I rasp.
Nothing.
I stand and walk to the bathroom, stepping in and locking the door behind me. I lower myself to the floor, clutching my stomach. It’s hard to determine exactly where the pain is, because my body is so bruised and battered, but I know it’s down low. I am so sick of crying, and yet tears threaten to escape. I pull myself up onto the toilet, groaning at the smell. It’s not nice sharing only two toilets with this many men.
I wipe.
And my head begins to spin.
Blood.
There’s not much, but it’s blood.
I close my eyes and a mix of anger and pain bubble up in my throat. I get off the toilet, and find my spot on the floor again. Am I having a miscarriage? Is that what’s happening? Did I kill my own baby? Did I kill Jackson’s baby? I wrap my arms around myself, and pray for this to be something different. That baby, it was my tiny ray of sunshine, if it goes...and Jackson goes...
“Serenity?”
There’s a gentle knock at the door, and I hear Ciara’s voice. I take a deep breath and swallow. “Ciara?”
“It’s me, are you ok?”
“N-n-no,” I rasp, my voice breaking.
“What’s happening?”
“I’m...I’m bleeding.”
She’s silent for a long moment. “Oh honey. Let me in?”
“I can’t...I just...I can’t.”
“Hang on a second, ok? I’ll get Jackson.”
I cry out no, but by the sounds of it, she’s already gone. I clutch my stomach harder, trying to control my trembling. A moment later, a harder knock sounds out.
“Serenity?”
It’s Jackson.
“Open the door, darlin’.”
I close my eyes and let my tears leak out. I’m so tired. So worn out. I don’t want to move, or to speak. I don’t even want to feel. I am sick of fighting against myself, and my life. No matter what I do, it keeps ending like this.
“Baby,” Jackson says, gentler this time. “Please open the door.”
I open my mouth to rasp a go away, but the only sound that comes out is a strangled gasp.
“I’m goin’ to kick it down,” I hear Jackson say.
“That’s not wise, daddy!”
Addison is there now, too.
“She won’t open it, I don’t have a choice.”
Three kicks later, and the door flings open. I gasp, and wrap my arms around myself, scooting further into the bathroom. Jackson sees me on the floor, looking like a pitiful child, and walks over, kneeling down in front of me. His eyes are soft and full of concern.
“What’s happening?”
“I’m...b-b-bleeding.”
“Bleeding?”
“The baby, daddy,” Addison whispers from behind him.
Jackson’s face pales, and his eyes fill with hurt. Oh god, he wanted our baby too? I close my eyes and look away, ashamed and hurt. Is this my fault? I asked my own father to beat me. I pushed him. I wanted him to end this for me. God, what sort of person am I? I put my own child at risk, because I was selfish. What is wrong with me?
“What...do we do?” he asks.
“She needs a doctor,” Ciara says gently.
“Then I’m takin’ her to a doctor.”
He reaches for me, but I slap his hand away. “No!”
“Serenity, this is our baby...”
“My baby!” I cry, shaking. “You don’t want this. You don’t want me. You walked away, Jackson. I told you I loved you, and you walked away. You can’t just come back now and try to help me. What’s the point?”
His eyes flicker with emotion, and I notice everyone else leave the bathroom. Jackson stares at me for a long moment, and I expect him to tell me that he can’t change it, but I’m still going to the doctor anyway. Instead, he says something that has my world stopping, and all the breath leaving my lungs.
“You think I don’t love you?” he rasps. “You think I don’t fucking care? I care, Serenity. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life, and you frighten the fuck out of me. You could change your mind at any moment, deciding I’m not good enough, or too old, and then where will I be? If you think I am pulling away, because I don’t care, then you’re fucking wrong. I care about you, more than I care to admit.”
I shake, and reach out, gripping his shirt. “Have you seen the life I lived, Jackson? Have you seen how it went for me? Do you have any idea how much I adore you? I don’t care how old you are. I don’t want to leave you, because you’re the only good thing I have left. Don’t pull away from me,” I plead. “I need you.”
“Baby,” he murmurs, gripping me and hurling me up and into his chest. He wraps his big arms around me, and nestles his face into my hair. “You are the reason I fuckin’ breathe.”
I shudder as he stands, lifting me up off the floor. When my feet are steady on the ground, he looks down at me, those beautiful green eyes blazing. “And because of that, you’re goin’ to the doctor whether you like it or not.”
I don’t argue.
I don’t need to.
He’s said everything I need to hear.
~*~*~*~
SERENITY
“You said she got beaten walking home?” the nurse says, rubbing a salt water solution over a wound on my head.
“Yeah,” Jackson grunts. “That’s what I said.”
The nurse gives him a suspicious look. He’s not wearing his colors right now, because he’s trying to stay un-noticed, but she’s still jumping to conclusions in her own head.
“I don’t beat her!” he snaps, and her eyes widen.
Men, they never help themselves. Now she likely thinks he beats me because of his aggressive outburst. I close my eyes and sigh.
“Can you tell me where the pain has been?” the nurse says, and I open my eyes to see her glaring at Jackson still, even though she directed the question at me.
“I can’t pin point one area, but it’s down low.”
“Ok, well, we’ll do an ultrasound to see how far along you are, and if baby has a heartbeat.”
Jackson’s eyes widen, and I feel my body tremble. Another lady comes in a moment later with a machine, and a long probe. I stare at the probe and rasp, “What’s that for?”
“At this early stage, we have to use a vaginal insert to see the baby.”
A what?
Oh hell no.
All I can say, is it’s one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life, but then she shows us the screen, and quickly, I forget about it. Everything else seems to blur. I can’t smell the awful clean hospital, or hear the beeping of the machines, or see Jackson’s face. No, I can only see that screen. My entire world stops spinning for a moment.
“There we are, see that tiny little bean?”
A tiny blob of white, in a dark circle - that’s all I can see. Somewhere deep d
own I know that’s life; our life.
“T-t-that’s my baby?”
“It sure is, and look at that, a steady heartbeat.”
She points to the screen again, and I see the tiny pulsing of a tiny heartbeat. It looks bigger than the baby, but it’s there. I make a strangled sound, and press my hand to my mouth. Jackson just sits, his eyes transfixed on the screen, his hands curled into fists.
“You’re about six weeks along, congratulations. Everything looks fine. The small bit of bleeding could be normal for this early in the pregnancy, or it could be because of the damage your body has received. For now though, baby looks healthy and ok.”
My baby is ok?
I feel Jackson’s hand touch my shoulder, but I don’t acknowledge it. I can’t breathe. That tiny little bubble on the screen...is mine? Mine? All mine? I can love, and adore, and spoil, and cherish it how I want? How I need? How it needs? My body begins to shake all over. Jackson steps up beside me, running his fingers through my hair.
“You need to take it easy for a few weeks, just to be sure,” the nurse says.
I nod, “O-ok.”
“Once the doctor has checked you out, you can go.”
We both thank her, and when she’s gone, Jackson turns to me, taking my face in his hands and leaning down so he’s looking deep into my eyes.
“I fucked up before; I didn’t tell you what I should have. I let fear rule what I should have let my heart rule. I won’t lose another child for half of its life, and I won’t lose a woman I love out of petty, ridiculous fears.”
“W-w-what are you saying?” I whisper.
“I’m saying I love you, Serenity. It may not be right, and it may not be logical, but it’s real and it’s mine. I won’t let you go, and I won’t let my child grow up without me. So, you best get used to me being around, because I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t plan to.”
He grins, brushing his lips across mine. “Good, because I’m never lettin’ you go.”
God, could this be it?