Billy has been in pain training since he was born. Girl is so freaked out by the sense look in Brother Billy. She doesn’t much care for being rearranged by a crazy. Just look at him.
Billy puts the tips of his fingers together. They make a flesh cage with a hole in it. His voice is coming through low and clear. A subtitle is passing through his vision like an autocue. LOUISE DESCRIBES RETARD RAGE ON BILLY ENGLAND’S COUCH. Now he’s speaking in his new voice. ‘Did you help Girl then, Louise?’
Louise seems quite happy to play patient with him. Lifting the table with Dr Crazy, lugging it from one side of the room to another. ‘I did help her.’ Pointing to Girl, who’s blowing menthol smoke all over the marble cake. ‘The girl. Her. She’s the one who I gave the FreezerWorld overall to.’
‘Yes,’ Billy agrees with her. ‘I know you did, Louise.’ Dr Crazy thinks he is being reassuring. Showing her in every way be can that he is there for her. ‘Why did you help her?’
Louise scans the marble cake like she’s going to pick up her next answer from inside its centre of sugars and E-numbers. Not once looking at Girl.
‘She was Action Girl. I knew she would do sumthing. I just think things. I would leave the till and go with Danny. It was timing. Timink.’
Girl stubs out her cigarette. Jeezus. Whatever happened to Revelation? Whatever happened to the New and Thrilling? She knows all this stuff already. Better help Louise out.
‘We know all this, Billy. She’s CouchRetard. I’m ActionRetard.’
Her brother looks confused.
‘Yeah.’ Louise nods enthusiastically. Looks at Girl with admiration in her barmy eyes. ‘That’s it. What she said.’
Billy’s flesh-cage fingers are squishing and opening while the girls speak. He just watches when Louise starts to have a coughing fit. Doesn’t even bang her on the back or get her a glass of water.
‘Scuze me. Coughin. Coughink. Got to meet Danny in a minute.’
Billy nods. ‘Girl said she saw you in the car park with Danny.’
‘Yeah. He’s my boyfriend.’
Girl is merciless when it comes to Louise doing it in the car park. ‘Danny the dog prince. You can do better than that, Louise.’
Louise plays with a gold signet ring on her finger. Dog-prince jewellery. Hers. ‘Danny’s all right. Coughink again. Sorry. Coughin. Wait. Nearly done. Koughin coffi coughin. Yep. Stopped.’
Girl won’t tolerate dog-prince loyalty. ‘You need a better make than Danny, don’t you, Louise?’
‘Danny’s all right. Mum likes him.’
Dr Crazy’s turn now. Billy England on the case. ‘What’s all right about him?’
‘Does nice Dad things if I ask him to.’
Billy and Girl in brother-sister unison now. ‘Like what? What sort of things does Danny do?’
‘Takes me out for a drink. To the fair if I ask him. Pays for all the rides. Mum says he’s kind and he is.’
Girl is clutching her split ends now. Grabbing them in her hand, making a ponytail, about to take the knife to them. Look, it’s like this: CouchRetard has the same name as her. They’re both called Louise. If girls called Louise think Dog Prince is the best they can do, then Girl who is also Louise is destined to end up in the arms of dog princes in car parks everywhere. Mongrel princes with their lousy love trinkets and denim jackets.
Louise is annoyed now. There’s a reason why she came, isn’t there? She wants her cut. Reckons they made off with about six hundred quid. She wants two hundred of it. That’s as fair as she can get. Not half. A third. Her share. She wants it now.
Girl leaves the kitchen. Let fucking Billy England finish off the session then, he’s the one who’s supposed to have the certificates in the pain game. She rummages in a drawer in her bedroom. Finds the little pink hair slides she’s been saving for Louise. Not only that. Girl checks out her shoe cupboard. Got to give the FreezerWorld girl a better start than beige-sole sadness. Can she bear to part with the orange patent-leather ankle boots she’s only worn twice? No. Yes. Yes. She will, because this is an important day. Danny might go off Louise if Louise looks good. If Girl dresses her.
She’s got to groom Louise. Give her a better attitude, take her out for cocktails. Use up all the Grand-Dad cash if necessary, and it is necessary. She’s got to rescue her from the Frozen World. Get her smoking expensive tobacco. Make her into a star. Get the retard out of her bloodstream. Even Billy working on her mind can’t be a bad thing. Girl has got to create Louise so that she too can become Louise, her secret name. Girl wants to step into a Louise that she has made perfect.
By the time Girl walks back into the kitchen, she can hear her brother putting Louise right. He’s telling her the truth. How Dad read about the robbery to nowhere. Dad rang up. How they hadn’t seen him for five years. Dad ‘sold’ them a car. Dad took all the cash. Dad wouldn’t tell them where Mom is. There is no cash any more, Louise. Nothing. Just something that was once a car.
Louise looks sad. Really sad. ‘I wanted to buy something for Mum.’
That’s when Girl comes in. ‘I got something for you, Louise.’ She hands her the little packet.
‘What is it?’
‘Open and see.’
‘You open it.’ Louise gives the packet to Billy, who unwraps the tissue paper with maximum effect, opening his murky pain eyes wide, teasing Louise, hoping Girl hasn’t flipped and parcelled up a rabbit’s head or something. Just two pink plastic heart hair slides. A sort of Louise/Girl heart transplant. Louise cups them in her hand. ‘Oh.’
‘Shall I put them in for you?’
Louise is reluctant, seems a bit nervous for the first time. So Girl just takes charge. She will be Louise’s beauty therapist. Combs Louise’s silky blond hair loving the feel of it in her fingers. Carefully makes a perfect middle parting and clips a heart each side.
‘Gorgeous.’ Girl is genuinely pleased with herself. Billy is nodding too. Flattering Louise. Louise has got a bit of attitude in her hair: Girl Irony. The hair slides have taken away a bit of retard-rage giveaway in Louise. ‘I got some shoes for you too.’ Girl shows her the orange ankle boots. A real sacrifice. Saint Girl.
But this time Louise draws the line. ‘Naaa. I don’t. Naaaa. Danny wouldn’t like them.’
‘Just try them.’
Girl is on her knees tugging at Louise’s beige rubber soles. Louise has got to wear these boots. She has got to meet Danny the dog prince in them, cos Dog Prince won’t be able to fuck her any more. Cos some of the retard will have gone from Louise.
Girl knows the boots are much too big for Louise’s tiny feet but she doesn’t care. Louise stands up in them. Walks about the kitchen. She asks to have a proper look in a full-length mirror. They haven’t got a full length but they can show her what she looks like in the bathroom mirror. First the hair. Louise is really pleased with the hair slides. Smiles so the dimple shows itself. Pats her hair each side of the parting. Then Billy and Girl heave her up so she can see the boots. Standing either side of her, lifting her high so that her head is touching the bathroom ceiling and she can see her feet in the mirror. No. Naaaa. Look, she doesn’t like them. All right, she’ll wear them just this once. See what Danny says.
Louise is sweet. Billy and Girl like her. They’re going to teach her things. Louise is fucking dangerous. She turns on them in the hallway. ‘So you can’t give me my share of your cash then?’
When brother and sister agree this is the sad outcome of the robbery, Louise kicks the wall with her new orange boots. ‘You’d better give me your dad’s address then.’
Billy’s up to his neck in pain ash. Girl never wants to talk about Dad again.
‘Well, he’s got my share.’
Billy’s come back. ‘Yeah, you can have his address.’ He takes a purple felt-tip pen out of his pocket. ‘Got some paper?’
Louise just rolls up her sleeve. ‘Write it on my arm.’
Big letters. Complete fucked silence while he scrawls in unjoined writing, Dad’s ADDRE
SS, all over Louise’s see-thru skin.
‘If he doesn’t give me my share, I’ll get Danny to see to him.’
Louise and her spooky see-thru skin. Pink hearts in her hair. Dimple in her cheek. Shiny little nails. Louise is looking good. Tartan minikilt and orange ankle boots. Heavy gold signet ring on her second finger. Looking good apart from the dog-prince jewel. Louise. You can do anything to her. She’s got that look about her that tells you so. Louise. Don’t mess about with her. She’s a live wire. KEEP OFF THE LOUISE GRASS. NO BALL GAMES HERE. DO NOT ENTER. But Billy has entered. Started with her head and he’s not going to stop.
‘When you see Dad, ask him where our mom is, would you?’
Louise has a think. ‘Yeah?’
‘Sweet-talk him. Get him to relax.’
‘Yeah?’ She’s frightening, this Louise girl.
Billy just won’t let go. ‘Flatter him, you know. Tell him you like his … um … buttons! Get him in the mood for small talk. And then just slip it in. Where’s your wife, Mr England?’
Louise opening her lips a bit now. ‘Sounds like you want me to do it with him, Billy?’
Billy is past it. Whatever it is, whatever Louise is doing to Billy, he is past it.
‘Just get the information, Louise. Whatever you have to do.’
Louise shrugs. Sneaks a little look at Girl. ‘Cheerio, then. I’ll tell you all about it.’
Chapter 8
Louise really loves her mother. Most girls prefer their dads because they can flirt with them and get away with more. Not Louise. She flirts with her mother who can’t resist her – even though she is extremely worried about her daughter at the moment. For a start, she is perplexed about Louise’s new hairstyle.
Mrs O’Reilly is sitting on the couch watching a hospital sitcom. She always cries when someone goes into intensive care and the doctors are huddled round trying to save their lives. She makes herself white-bread sandwiches with the crusts cut off before her programme starts, but doesn’t touch them till the credits come up and she knows the outcome. So she doesn’t pay Louise much attention when she sits next to her and starts to unlace her new orange ankle boots.
Louise thinks they’re fucking hideous things. Danny liked them, though. Stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled in appreciation. Picked her up, whirled her about and then started to get intimate with her ankles. Sticking out his tongue and licking the orange patent, closing his eyes in a boot swoon. They’re not even her boots. Danny likes something that’s not her.
Soon as the credits came up, Mrs O’Reilly turns her cheek towards her daughter for a kiss. Then she sees the pink heart hair slides and goes very quiet. Twirling bits of Louise’s hair in her fingers.
‘You look nice today, Louise.’
‘Do you like them?’
Mrs O’Reilly nibbling her little sandwiches. Cocking her head to one side. ‘They’re sweet.’
After the FreezerWorld robbery Louise was scared of Mr Tens. Her mother knew she was frightened of something and waited patiently for her daughter to say what was on her mind. Stroking her hair. Encouraging her to read books. Always on the lookout for a book her daughter would read all the way through. Taking her to the pictures. Never probing, but making it clear she knew something was up. Eventually, Louise just said there had been a robbery from her till and Mr Tens was being funny with her.
The next morning Mrs O’Reilly insisted on coming with her daughter to FreezerWorld. Grabbed Louise’s arm and walked straight into Mr Tens’s office without knocking. He was sitting on his managerial chair, bent over a calculator and a pile of stock sheets. A Bible open next to him with two paragraphs highlighted in yellow ink.
‘Hello, Mrs O’Reilly.’ Mr Tens likes Louise’s mother. He points to a chair for her to sit down, but she doesn’t want to. Tells him how her daughter is feeling a bit put out about the robbery being from her till. The Express Robbery. It’s not her fault, after all, is it? She went for her tea break like every other member of staff. ‘Louise wants to be good at her job, Mr Tens. So I’ve come to clear the air.’
Mr Tens has stopped smiling now. Yes, he muses, it was unfortunate. The thing is, Louise doesn’t stand much chance of being promoted to the trolley tills in the short term. He’s put her back on the floor. But that is a very responsible job. The floor staff who stock the shelves and freezers keep FreezerWorld running smoothly. That’s the whole point. Mr Tens is talking like he’s just learnt his script off by heart.
Mrs O’Reilly helps him out. ‘FreezerWorld is a plentiful world. Everyone can have a piece of it.’
Mr Tens looks pleased with that line. ‘Thank you, Mrs O’Reilly, I’ll make a note of that. Remember, though—’ Mr Tens smiling at Louise now – ‘it’s the floor staff who have to fill in the holes and gaps so customers never feel there is something missing from FreezerWorld. Louise has a very important role to play here. The customer must never be encouraged to feel insecure. They know they can put their worries to one side when they’re in the store because they know everything they need is there for them.’ Mr Tens pauses, it’s like he’s forgotten what to say next.
Mrs O’Reilly prompts him. ‘What they can’t have one week because of budget considerations, they know next week it will still be there waiting for them and they deserve to have it.’
Mr Tens agrees. Exactly. He, Mr Tens, is just the architect of FreezerWorld. It’s the floor staff that have to wear the hard hats. Mr Tens is sort of like God. He has to make and remake FreezerWorld every week. In the begining was the word and the word has to sell the product. There will not only be light, there will be light designed to sell canned fish. Mr Tens has to know which way the customer will look, which way the customer will walk, he has to create the shopping body: smelling, tasting, touching, fantasising about possessing items that are a little bit out of their reach. Mr Tens has to make sure that FreezerWorld is a happy world to visit because the customer buys more when she’s happy. ‘So never underestimate the floor staff, Mrs O’Reilly. This is a short-term blip in Louise’s promotion. As long as she works hard and diligently, there is a good future for her at FreezerWorld.’
Mr Tens looks at his watch. ‘Seven fifty-five, Louise. I think you should go down now and change into your overalls. We’ve got a delivery of Argentinian Syrah – that’s wine, Mrs O’Reilly – arriving any minute.’
Louise kisses her mother goodbye for the day. They still always kiss when they’re going to be away from each other. Every time Louise brings home a FreezerWorld chicken bought with her staff discount card, she feels really good to be looking after her mother. Her mother is everything. She owes her shiny hair to Mrs O’Reilly’s gentle hands.
Louise hovers outside the door to make sure Mr Tens is not going to shout at her mother. No one, no one is going to treat her mother bad. She’ll kill them. That’s all. Dead them. If it wasn’t for Mrs O’Reilly, she’d still be sick and shivering in a sleeping bag on the streets.
It’s all right in there. Mr Tens definitely likes her. Saying something how she’s a bit slow with the unpacking, but he’s keeping an eye on her. ‘I make sure Louise takes her breaks and knows what to do when she gets back. Not to worry, Mrs O’Reilly.’
Nothing to worry about.
The pink hair slides. Mrs O’Reilly fiddled about with the little hearts in Louise’s hair. Rearranged them. And then she saw the orange ankle boots. Did Danny buy them? No.
So her girl’s getting her own style worked out, is she? A bit of get-up-and-go? That’s good. Her girl needs a bit of gingering up; they’re cheerful, aren’t they? Time to have something to eat. Mrs O’Reilly wants her daughter to have an early night.
Louise is lying to her mother for the first time ever. And more lies coming up. It can’t be helped, it really can’t. The Louise tangle. Mr England is going to have to fork out, readies on the table and answer her questions. Cos she likes the brother and sister. She wants to spend time with them. Like the girl said. Have a laugh. But they fucked it. They’
d better watch out. Giving her things and trashing Danny. Louise never forgets. Never. Her head is not full of holes like some people. Mrs O’Reilly is stroking Louise’s arm. The one with Mr England’s address on it. Calming her girl. Asking her again if there’s something on her mind?
Chapter 9
Merc Madness. Raj has gone berserk. He can’t leave the Merc alone. He’s bribing his brother to look after the shop for him. Raj’s brother is only nine. Can hardly add up. Raj’s family are losing out. The more Merc meddling he does, the more he finds to do. He’s obsessed. Doesn’t care that his brother sold a glass jar of bolognese sauce and two boxes of teabags for twelve pence. Word has got out. Stupid Club has increased its membership. Especially when Raj’s brother is on the till. The new Stupid Club topic is about leaves. How in late autumn, beginning of winter, the leaves from the hedges fall onto the pavement. The refuse collectors aren’t going to take them away, are they? And the man that sweeps the street on Mondays doesn’t sweep the leaves, he just sweeps the litter. He doesn’t see leaves as being litter. That means Stupid Club have to walk over the leaves on their way back from the corner shop. Well, if you’re not looking where you’re going, you can trip over the leaves. If you’re walking your dog to the corner shop, he gets the leaves stuck in his paws, doesn’t he? Before you know it, the house is full of leaves. Indoors has become just like outdoors. What’s the point of having a house if it looks like outdoors? It just takes a bit of rain to exacerbate the situation. Wet leaves are an accident waiting to happen. Easy to slip, break a leg or sprain your ankle, the next thing you know you’re in the hospital using up a bed that someone who needs a bone-marrow transplant could have had if it wasn’t for the local leaf situation.