Her eyes opened in the stillness that had overtaken the room. The sun’s final rays were disappearing behind the trees and the frogs from the lake had already begun their chorus. It could have been any of the peaceful nights she had spent there for the past week. The scent of blood assaulted her nostrils and brought her objectives back into focus. She slid her hand from underneath Hankarron’s so that his now rested on the head of his brother. They were both quiet with closed eyes as their minds absorbed what Orynn had done.
She knew she should be crying at the loss of these friends, and at the death of Zera, but she found that the tears would no longer come. Instead she smiled softly at Hankarron and brushed the hair away from his forehead and kissed it. He had been in love with her, and for a brief moment of muted, futile hope, she allowed herself to think that perhaps she could have grown to love him in time. Such a possibility was over for her now. Pinning her hair away from her face at the crown of her head with Zera’s blood covered carved shell clip, she stood up and walked out of the room without looking back.
Vesparians do not have friends. Vesparians do not know love.
She found the cook and maid in the kitchen pattering over steaming cups of coffee about how difficult it was to cook without technology. They gaped at the blood covering Orynn and the maid screamed. Orynn left them with clouded memories, still chatting over their cups. She ran into the nurse on her way up the stairs to Jarren’s room. The old woman’s heart nearly gave out at the sight, but Orynn left her sleeping peacefully at the foot of the stairs. Jarren’s room was empty, but coming down the back stairway to look outside for him, she ran into Jehdra.
“Did you find him?” Orynn’s voice was an emotionless calm.
“No.” Jehdra opened the double doors leading to the courtyard. “I was just about to look outside.”
“That is alright, Jehdra. I will go.” Orynn placed her hand on Jehdra’s shoulder. “You should go be with Hankarron and Jhonis in the solarium. They will need your strength.”
With a heated glare, Jehdra stepped outside and turned to Orynn. “Don’t you dare try and mess with my head!”
Orynn blinked in shock. “How did you know?”
Jehdra crossed her arms and huffed. “Well I wasn’t completely honest with you either, honey. My brother isn’t a file clerk. He’s the assistant coordinator of the research and development division.” She tapped a finger to her temple. “I went and got an upgrade. It’s a prototype based on some designs we smuggled off Xen’dari, so it may not stop you completely, but it damn sure let me know what you were up to.”
“Please, Jehdra, it is for the best.”
“For who?” Jehdra huffed again, then frowned. “Shit girl, you’ve already fuddled Jhonis and Hankarron, haven’t you?”
“And the maid, the nurse and the cook.” Orynn wasn’t going to apologize for her decision. She was setting things right. “They will remember me, but not as a Vesparian nor my presence today.”
“So you’re just going to make everyone think happy thoughts and run away, is that it?”
“I have no choice!” Orynn’s calmness broke. “I cannot be a part of your lives. It was foolish of me to think that I ever could be. Zera and Keith are both dead now because of me!”
“I saw Keith shoot Zera.” Jehdra put her hands on her hips. “It may have been an accident, but he was still betraying us and my people to the blasted Xen’dari! If you hadn’t of blown his brains out, chances were high I might of made an attempt.”
“It does not matter.” Orynn lowered her eyes. “It is done.”
“Fine. If you really think running away is the answer, then fine!” Jehdra pointed at angry finger at Orynn’s face. “What are you going to do when Hankarron starts asking where you got off to? You think just because he remembers things a bit differently that he is suddenly going to lose his feelings for you? Love doesn’t work that way, honey. You may have changed his mind, but I bet damn sure his heart won't forget you so easily. Then what about Elisen? What about Brel?”
Orynn looked at Jehdra with tears brimming in her eyes again. She hadn’t thought that far ahead. She was still so young and foolish. “What should I do, Jehdra?”
Jehdra let out a long frustrated breath to try and cool the fires of her Hedarion temper. “Way I see it, you have two choices. You can either go back into that solarium and help me put the boys back together, or you can disappear.”
Part of her wanted to go back into that solarium, but the look in Jarren’s eyes still haunted her. “I cannot go back. Keith may have betrayed you, but I was the one who put everyone in real danger. My very existence is a threat to all those around me. The Xen’dari know I exist now. Others will come, Jehdra. They will always come. When they do, I cannot yet control what lives inside of me. I must go far away from all of you. I cannot go back the way I came.”
“Alright then.” Jehdra reached out and grabbed Orynn’s bloody hand and led her to one of the parked transports. “Well if you are going to disappear, let's get you back to Central before someone sees you.”
“What about Jarren?”
“I’ll figure something out.” She opened the transport passenger door for Orynn and leaned on it for a minute, looking back at the estate with a deep sadness reflected in her black eyes. “I always hated this fucking old house.”
Jehdra worked closely with Central Command to clean up the mess at the Eros Estate. Their experiment with allowing a known Vesparian on a long term mission had been a failure. Most argued in Orynn’s defense in light of Keith’s betrayal, but many still had their reservations and agreed that, for now, it would be best for Vesparians to remain a secret and for Orynn to disappear. They planted additional evidence at the Eros Estate to solidify the idea that Keith had in fact been a traitor, and swept any further questions neatly under their very large rug.
They were pleased to discover that Jarren had suffered from shock at seeing his father shoot himself. The boy didn’t argue the facts when the nurse found him hiding in the dumbwaiter, and he had no memories of the events he witnessed that day in the solarium. The Command Council agreed that it was too risky to have Orynn attempt to alter the memories if they still existed, and they believed that, due to his young age, he would forget it naturally in time like a bad dream. They also agreed that they would tell the crew of the Telasari that Orynn had been transferred to a covert mission of great importance. In a few months, they would send word that she had been killed in the line of duty.
Jehdra set up a meeting with Elisen in a restaurant a day before Zera’s funeral. They sat at a booth sharing memories of Zera over crumpets and coffee. Orynn occupied the booth behind them, masked by a guise, and listened to their stories for almost an hour before altering Elisen’s memories and leaving the restaurant alone.
During the entire process, Orynn did as she was asked and never argued Central’s directives. When it came time to deal with the last member of the Telasari crew who knew what she was, however, she requested to do it her way. After a talk with Jehdra, Central reluctantly agreed.
“Are you alright, Orynn?”
Orynn’s heart caught in her throat at the sound of Brel’s concerned voice behind her. She kept her eyes closed and let the humming pulse of Central’s mainframe control room calm her nerves. It seemed like a good place to say goodbye. “I am not sure yet, Brel, but I think in time I may be.”
“Jehdra explained what happened with Keith. Are you sure that what you’re doing is best?”
“No.” She let out a long breath. “But I think it is the right thing to do.”
“I see. One does what one must.”
His voice sounded lost, and it made her tremble. “One does.” Orynn nodded and turned around to face him. She looked up to his face and took a step back. “Your eyes...”
He took a step closer to her. “I had an ocular upgrade done. It’s why I was late going to the Estate. One more day, and I would have been there. One more day, and I might have been able to do something
to stop this... to stop you from leaving us. It seems so pointless now, these eyes, when I think about it.”
“They are a beautiful shade of blue.”
He smiled sadly down at her. “Your favorite color.”
She couldn't stop the sob that choked her. “I am so sorry.”
He took another timid step forward. “Jehdra says you are being sent to run missions in the Outlands under strict minimal contact orders. It’s dangerous out there to go it alone. I could go with you.”
“You cannot go where I am going, Brel.” She wiped away the tears from her eyes. “I need to get away from everyone I know and everyone I care about. Now that the Xen’dari know I exist, they will not stop tracking me down until they have me. Anyone with knowledge about what I am is at risk, including you.”
He nodded solemnly. “Jehdra told me you’d say that, but you can’t blame a Mecha for trying.” He smiled, but that only made her tears fall faster. With a reluctant finality, he raised his hand to her, palm facing out. “At least leave me the memory of your laugh. Please.”
Orynn rushed past his hand and wrapped her arms around his waist in trembling sobs. She felt his hands awkwardly patting her back, then running through her hair. He finally embraced her and kissed the top of her head. She cried in the warmth of his arms and she knew that she loved him. “I will never forget you, Brel. I swear it.”
Brel tightened his embrace and smiled. “Goodbye, Orynn.”
Three months later, Orynn received the news of Brel’s death via an encrypted message from Jehdra. After his memory alteration, Brel had been reassigned to a resettlement assistance ship, relocating Hedarions from the newly established neutral zone of Chronos. During a run in with a Xen’dari cruiser that was not supposed to be in the area, Brel had sacrificed himself by putting the ship between the cruiser and the escape pods. With no hope of stopping all the guns, Brel rammed his ship up the cruiser’s ass and detonated the core. All two hundred and forty-seven of the Hedarion refugees survived.
It became known as the Brel Maneuver and a legendary story among Central Agents. Central Command retrieved the ship’s protected logs in the hopes of learning more about his decision and tactics. All they found was the audio recording of a girl’s laughter that had been playing on repeat through the ship’s communication speakers as it tore through the hull of the Xen’dari cruiser and exploded. Jehdra said that Command had quietly swept that under the rug too, but she thought Orynn should know that she hadn’t been forgotten. At least, not entirely.
The news that Jehdra continued to send her through the briefings didn’t improve from that day. Despite his best efforts, Jhonis lost custody of Jarren to one of the boy’s Aunts on Xen’dari. After the compounded loss of his wife, his brother and his nephew, Jhonis requested to be removed from command of the Telasari. After a great deal of persuasion from Central, he agreed to Captain a smaller ship that would do shorter range missions. Hankarron, Jehdra and Elisen joined him, and they took on a new Mecha and a new engineer to complete their small crew of five. They named the ship The Zera.
Jehdra stayed on with them for few years before being moved to the Central head office. It was just long enough to watch Jhonis slowly will his way out of his depression and to watch Hankarron slowly drink his way into one.
Jehdra had been right. Orynn may have been able to alter Hankarron’s memories, but she wasn’t able to change what had been in his heart. The false story of her death had devastated him, and he became haunted by her ghost. Elisen offered him a comforting shoulder and tried to pick up the pieces, her own love for him surfacing. After five years of a rocky relationship between the two and Orynn’s memory, Elisen became pregnant and Hankarron’s drinking intensified.
As Elisen lay in the intensive labor ward under threat of delivering two months premature, Hankarron was shot to death in a drunken argument with two Ruisk hustlers at some dive near Merae. Around his neck, they found a small leather pouch that contained a singed lock of white hair. It was the hair that Keith had shot off Orynn that day in the solarium. Hankarron had found it and known the truth all along.
Elisen gave birth to a healthy baby boy, but fell into her own despairing depression at the word of Hankarron’s death. Unable to mentally care for the child, the boy’s care was given to the Eros estate. Jhonis named the boy Hankarron and took him under his wing. Elisen tried to participate in the boy’s rearing, but everything about the child reminded her of her Hankarron. On the second anniversary of Hankarron’s death, Elisen took her own life with an overdose of Sil chased by Drasa.
Even without being there, the destructive impact Orynn had on their lives remained. It would be the last communication she would receive from Jehdra for almost thirty years. The next communication had come as a direct order from Central Command to report to Jehdra, who would now be serving as her commanding Director.
“Well, I see that time has been much more kind to you than me.” Jehdra calmly surveyed Orynn from across the desk in her office. “How’s life been out in the Rim?”
“I have been most recently working on mission XD457-2118, which..”
Jehdra sighed and held up her hand. “Not what I meant. I’m well aware of the missions you’ve been running. I’ve been keeping tabs on you this whole time, despite Command revoking my communications access to you; the nosy bastards. I meant how has your life been?”
“They revoked your communication access? I thought you... when your letters stopped...”
“You thought I’d stopped giving a damn.” Jehdra frowned. “Bugger those old stuff shirts in the graves they now rot.”
Orynn nodded solemnly. “Not that I blamed you. The news you sent was far from encouraging.”
Jehdra raised an eyebrow and leaned forward. “What do you mean?”
Orynn was looking down at her hands now. “First Brel, then Jhonis losing Jarren, then Hankarron and Elisen. Even dead and staying on the Outer Rim, my previous presence destroyed their lives.”
“Get your head out of your ass, hon.” Jehdra huffed and hopped off her chair. She walked around the desk with her arms crossed and stood next to Orynn. “Thirty-five years later and you still think the damn universe revolves around you. I didn’t send that info to place any blame on you. I sent you that info because I thought you might give a damn about what happened to the people who used to be your friends. Are you going to honestly sit there and tell me Brel’s death is your fault?”
“I...”
Jehdra interrupted her. “Are you really going to try and take away the bravery and self-sacrifice of what he did by saying that in some way you had a part in it?”
“No, but…”
Jehdra poked Orynn in the knee. “And I suppose you had something to do with that bitchy Aunt taking Jarren off to Xen’dari too? Maybe you fuddled the judge’s head? No? Well we all know you forced Hankarron’s mouth open and poured the booze down his throat every minute he was awake! Honey, you’ve got some reach to do that all the way from the Rim.“
“Stop it.”
Jehdra hissed and poked harder. “Or maybe you told that stupid limik to sympathy fuck Elisen and then leave her alone in the hospital to go shoot it out with some Ruisk scum? And I bet it was you there, too, pouring the Drasa and cutting up the lines of Sil for Elisen.”
“Stop it!” Orynn turned and yelled at her.
“Not until you wake the fuck up!” Jehdra yelled back. “Honey, they chose how to live their lives, not you. You didn’t pull the trigger that killed Hankarron any more than you pulled the trigger that killed Zera. You may never accept that, but it’s the truth. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to write all this to you. I guess I suck as a friend too.”
Jehdra patted Orynn’s knee, but the Vesparian remained silent. “The kid turned out good, you should know; Hankarron’s son. And Jhonis lived a good happy life. He never stopped loving or missing Zera, but he never stopped living his life either. Neither did Brel. It’s tragic what happened to Hankarron and Elisen, I agree, b
ut that was thirty years ago. It’s time to let it go.”
“How can I?”
“You told me once that the Vesparian’s have a saying, remember? ‘There is no going back. There is only moving forward.’ You have been hiding out in the Rim and going backwards for thirty-five years, Orynn. You need to start moving forward again.”
Orynn felt like crying, but somewhere in the thirty-five years, she had forgotten how. She turned to the last and only friend she had remaining in the entire universe. “I do not know how.”
“I know, but lucky for you, you’ve got me.” Jehdra smirked. “I have a mission for you. Hankarron needs your help.”
Orynn gasped. “You are not seriously suggesting that I...”
“No, I am not suggesting it.” Jehdra took on a serious tone. “I am ordering you to carry out the mission I am about to assign you. You think you caused all that shit with his father? Fine. You can start repairing your karma by helping the kid out.”
Orynn swallowed. “How?”
Jehdra sighed, then laughed. “He’s too much like his dad. The Hankarron you knew, not the drunkard he became. Hank’s got that same stupid smile and that same carefree attitude. He’s also got his dad’s knack for blowing shit up to get out of a tight situation. Jhonis meant well, but he always handled the negotiations and relationships necessary for well performed covert missions. He was always afraid of putting too much pressure on Hank. He was afraid the kid would take up the bottle like his old man, since they say it’s genetic. When Jhonis died five years ago, Hank was left holding together the crew. Central tried to take the command away from him, but I spoke up and said he could handle it.”
“He is having issues handling it?”
Jehdra nodded. “He has zero negotiation skills or tact. I thought that surely Ethan would keep him in line, but that Mecha cares for the kid too much to go against him.”