Merik smirked at the Mecha. “I kissed her.”
“You what?” Ethan tensed.
“Well you seemed to be done with her.” Merik shrugged. “You fucked her and then told her to leave, so I figured she was fair game. One Mecha’s trash is another Trexen’s treasure, you know.” Merik laughed his humorless chuckle as Ethan strode over to him and grabbed his collar.
“Don’t you dare talk about her like that!”
“Like what? Trash?” Merik laughed again. “If that’s not what she is, then why’d you throw her away, hmm?” He smiled in victory as Ethan let go of his collar with a shove and backed up a step. “I may be a sadistic bastard, but you are one heartless fucking prick of a machine. She showed you what you begged her to see and you couldn’t take it. You told her to trust you, and then you just got up and walked out when you learned what kind of creature she really is.”
“That’s not why I left.” Ethan turned his back on the Trexen before the temptation to beat that arrogant smirk off his face became too loud to ignore. “It was all a lie. She was after my schematics the whole time.”
Merik let loose a deeply genuine laugh of amusement. “That’s why you threw her aside? I obviously underestimated you! To know it was for such a selfish reason, well that’s just too sad, Ethan. She never had any intention of taking your schematics.”
Ethan turned sharply around. “What? Jehdra told her that if she didn’t take them, she would be exiled.”
Merik sighed with disappointment. “She shared everything with you and you still know absolutely nothing about her.”
Ethan closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. His thoughts were still so confused. “I gave her a copy of them today.”
“And I watched her destroy it.” Merik watched as the Mecha tried to piece things together. “You haven’t even tried to understand her, have you? You just focused on that last little bit and used it as a reason to push her aside.”
Merik sneered in disgust and turned away, muttering angrily in a mix of Trexen and Common. “Reaut’cha reu ka’aut! You’d think someone her age would have better taste. I can’t believe she fell in love with something as fucking stupid as you. Brauch’ni aut vies.”
Ethan’s eyes shot open as Merik continued to mutter on. “What did you just say?”
“Brauch’ni aut vies. What? You’ve forgotten how to speak Trexen?” Merik was toying with him now. “How about Vesparian? Anai ona Velstrae?”
“Velstrae.” Ethan repeated. That word had been echoing in his mind since last night. “What does it mean? How do you know Vesparian?”
“Un-fucking-believable!” Merik tilted his head back and laughed again. “That is so pitiful, Ethan! She shared herself with you, and me inadvertently. I know Vesparian because she knows Vesparian, and so do you if you’d take a damn second and think about something other than your worthless schematics.”
He hopped off the medical bed as Ethan’s eyes clouded over in thought. “You usually don’t make this so easy for me, tin-man. I’m getting bored.” He poked a finger against Ethan’s forehead. “It’s all in here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sleep for like a week. She wore me out, and that was just from one little kiss. Just imagine if I had...”
“Stay…”
“Away from her.” Merik finished Ethan’s sentence and waved his hand dismissively as he headed to the door. “Don’t need to tell me twice. I got the message from her loud and clear. I’ll be in a coma in my usual quarters if you need me.” He paused in the doorway and glanced over his shoulder. “She deserves better than you. Think about that too, while you’re brooding things over.”
Ethan sat heavily on a stool next to the bed after the doors closed behind Merik. The Trexen was right. He had been focusing so heavily on the last memory about his schematics that he had simply filed away and ignored the rest that she had shown to him. He let the emotion of betrayal crowd out anything else he may have been feeling, and he had cast her aside like garbage.
“Velstrae.”
His mind searched the lifetime of memories and he realized he knew Vesparian as well as any language. His system had already formed a reference dictionary based on it. Blinded by his false assumptions, he had just failed to notice.
Velstrae. Old Vesparian, pre-Tarsen era. Quick reference: noun - a bond; affectionate reference to one who has been bonded. Long reference: When spoken willingly, the Velstrae forms a lifelong bond between two persons. A Vesparian may only form one Velstrae in his or her lifetime and the bond remains set even in death. Contextual conclusion: In pre-Tarsen era, Vesparians mated for life. Due to current cultural and reproductive constraints, this is now discouraged, and the use of the word Velstrae has been forbidden by the Sisterhood.
His jaw slackened as all the anger and feelings of betrayal vanished in an instant. He really was the dumbest fucking Mecha that had ever existed. It was all right there, if only he had taken the time to look. He spent the next hour reviewing what she had shared, but this time he didn’t focus on the events. Instead, he focused on her thoughts and emotions surrounding them.
Initially she had considered asking him for his schematics to save herself from exile, but, in the end, her respect for Mecha made her decide against it. Later, her love for him would reinforce her belief that she had made the right decision. She would rather be in exile having known love, than be free at the cost of betraying him.
Love. She does love me.
The love she developed for him came as a surprise to her, although there had been an immediate attraction. Her heart wanted to be with him, to know him and to let him know her. These desires frightened her greatly. She knew she should never allow herself to get close or have such feelings, but her father’s heart was too strong. It was forever her greatest quality and her greatest downfall.
She wanted to protect him and the crew of the Zera more than anything. She genuinely wanted Hank to be successful. She believed he was a good man like his father and a good Captain like his uncle. The regret about what happened with Hankarron and Jhonis was part of her thoughts every day. She knew she had not killed Zera, but if she hadn’t been there in the first place, she believed their futures could have been so much better. She had no right to be in the lives of others. She had no rights to friendship, to love, or to family.
Jarren. A child. Her heart ached with the wish to hold a child in her arms and know that it loved her regardless of who she was or what she had done. One of her strongest emotional memories was finding Jarren in the darkness and the joy and love his aura had given to her when she brought him back into the light. It was perhaps the first and last time she had known the warmth of pure unburdened happiness.
Beneath the dark painful memories of even the worst events in her life, there was the existence of less significant memories of laughter, friendly conversations, acceptance and kindness.
Those were the memories Ethan held on to, and those were the memories that told him the most about who she really was. Her light giggle and the hidden smile behind her hand. The blushing conversations with Jehdra and her strong bond with Brel. Her desire to help others and the cherished relationships she had formed with Torque and so many others. The countless lives she had touched. To be forgotten, but never to forget.
Her tattoo. Now he knew what the Vesparian writings said. I will never forget, even though I must be forgotten. The words spelled out vertically along her spine as a stem for countless vines and roses.
Names. So many names. Jhonis. Zera. Hankarron. Elisen. Brel. Just a few that he recognized amongst hundreds scrawled in tiny letters written along the vines. She carried each of them with her, always.
He felt sick. He had begged her to let him know her, and yet he had cast aside everything she had given to him. He had her heart within his grasp, and he had thrown it away.
I don’t deserve her.
When the door to Orynn’s room opened, the light from the hallway fell across her, but she paid it no attention. She was busy scrubbin
g the blood off of the floor with one hand, while her other hand was clutched awkwardly against her chest. Beside her sat a clear storage container, the water in it stained a dark pink from the rinsing of the rag. Her eyes were wide open and looking straight ahead as her body rocked with the motion of the rag against the wet floor.
Ethan walked cautiously into the room as he took in the disturbing scene. She didn’t look up at him or even seem to notice he had entered. The sound of something cracking beneath his boot brought his eyes down to his feet. When he moved his foot aside, he found the broken shards of the empty green disc case. “Where is the disc?”
She stopped her scrubbing, finally realizing she was no longer alone. His voice sounded so far away to her and she didn’t understand the question. “Is Merik alright?”
Walking past the broken case, he crouched down across from her on the other side of the smearing of blood. “He needs a few days to sleep it off, but he’ll be fine.”
With her eyes still looking vacantly ahead, she nodded and started scrubbing again. “That is good.”
He leaned to the left slightly so that he was in her line of sight. “Orynn, where is the disc I gave you?”
Her scrubbing stopped again and she blinked a few times with a small frown of confusion. Her eyebrows raised and she looked down at the hand clutched to her chest. “Oh. I had forgotten.” She moved her hand out him, the fist still tightly closed.
He reached out to take her hand, but she flinched and quickly moved it away. Her reaction cut into him. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
“But I may hurt you.”
“Let me see. Please.” He held out his hand to her and she slowly moved her fist away from her chest again.
She placed the back of her hand against his palm and opened her fingers. The surface of the small disc was warped and discolored. Several cracks had appeared and she had a few cuts where the edge of it had dug into her skin. When he started to take the disc from her hand, she winced. His movement slowed as he realized the bottom of the disc had burned into the flesh of her palm. He sucked in a breath as he lifted the disc away and revealed a blistered red circle underneath. “Come with me to the medical bay and I’ll treat your burn.”
She pulled her hand back to her chest and looked at the disc in his fingertips. “I broke it.”
He sighed. She wasn’t hearing him. “Orynn, come with me. If you don’t treat your hand, it will scar.”
She lowered her eyes back to the bloodstain with a short quiet laugh and resumed her one handed scrubbing. “What is one more scar amongst hundreds?”
The painful truth in her words left him without the ability to reply. He stood up and took a step back from her as she rung the rag into the water and continued scrubbing.
He had done this to her. He had caused the scar in her hand and undoubtedly more he couldn’t see on her heart. She had placed her trust in him and he had betrayed her. She had opened herself up to friendship again and he had told her to abandon it. She wanted to be a mother and he could not provide that to her. She had fallen in love with him and he didn’t know how to reciprocate.
She deserves better than you.
“Velstrae.” Her scrubbing stopped as he spoke the word, but she didn’t look up at him. He was grateful for that, because he wasn’t sure he would be able to do what needed to be done if he had to look her in the eyes. “I didn’t know what the word meant when I said it before. That means that I was not a willing partner and that makes the vow false. Vorhin nor Velstrae. We are unbound.”
Her body tensed and her hand clung tightly to the rag as he dismissed the vow. After a moment of silence, her lips moved as she tried to form the words of acceptance, but no sound came from them. Unable to speak, she finally nodded that she understood and resumed her scrubbing. Unfelt tears glided down her cheeks and dripped from her chin to join the red liquid below her. Without another word, he walked out of the room and left her alone in the darkness.
26 Tir
The beeping from the door woke Ethan from his thoughts. He had been brooding in his chair all night as he questioned everything he had done up to that point. Had he done the right thing by negating the vow, or had he just taken the easy way out and thrown her aside again? He had thought at the time that it was the best thing he could do for her. Now, he wasn’t so sure.
I don’t deserve such a bond with her. I have proven that a hundred times over. A machine is incapable of being what she needs.
She needed to be free to live her life without being tied down by his limitations. He would give her the freedom she deserved, even if she would not take it for herself. A new disc of his schematics sat on the work station next to him. He would deliver it to Jehdra himself and explain to her that it was his fault.
It’s all my fault.
The beeping sounded again. With an aggravated sigh, he unplugged his charge adaptor from the small connection jack located behind his left ear. “Come in.”
Hank stepped into Ethan’s workstation and approached the Mecha as he turned his chair around. “I went to the hangar to meet the others, but I saw that you were missing?”
“I have decided to stay on board and see if I can repair the remaining variances in the shielding.”
Hank frowned. He had begun to think that his idea of pushing Orynn and Ethan together had been poorly planned. It had started out promising, but now it seemed to have become seriously fucked up. He knew Ethan had checked on her after leaving Chronos, and he was also pretty sure they had spent the night together. Then there was some shit with Merik that Ethan had barely elaborated on, and now the Trexen was in a raught’xiat coma recovering. She hadn’t left her room in the two days since they left Gokem, and when they arrived at Tir, she had plastered that fake smile on her face and was trying to pretend like everything was fine.
“The shielding can wait. I have no idea what we’re about to walk into, and if something goes wrong, I need you to watch my ass. You know how lousy a shot I am.”
Ethan’s face remained expressionless. “Is that an order?”
Hank growled. “You know what? Yes! It is a fucking order, so get your blue fucking ass out of that Goddamned chair and come to the cargo hold.”
Ethan stood without another word and stalked out the door. Maybe he should've told Hank what happened, but he really didn’t feel like talking about it.
Just get through today. Suck it up and get through today.
Easier said than done.
As soon as he spotted her standing at the top of the lowered loading ramp, he felt his will cave in. The feelings within him told him to walk over to her and beg her for forgiveness. He wanted to take it all back. He wanted her to take him back. He wanted to be her Velstrae. He wanted.
I’m such a selfish fucking prick. The smile was on her lips, but when her eyes glanced to him, he could see the scars that existed beneath the surface. The scars I put there. His resolve returned, and he held steadfast to the belief that he had made the right decision. She deserves so much more than I can give.
“Well it’s about time you two showed up.” Tara put her hands on her hips and chided Hank and Ethan as they approached the group. She didn’t like the looks on either of their faces, and she guessed that Ethan hadn’t come willingly. She and Hank had been mulling over what might have been going on. Hank thought it might of had something to do with Merik and she had recommended that they promptly jettison his ass out of the airlock. Hank hadn’t been totally against the idea.
She turned to Orynn, who had cast her eyes to the floor, and looped her arm through the Vesparian’s elbow. “Orynn... I mean Ashae, was just about to show me how to put on this … what the heck is it called again?”
Orynn looked back up and smiled genuinely at the warm concern coming from Tara’s aura. It gave her a bit of strength and encouragement that she knew she would need to get through the meeting today. Despite it being temporary and against the rules, she would allow herself to have this friendship with Tara, even i
f she knew it was all still based partially on half-truths and unknown lies.
“Nalahem” She spoke the Tir word as she unfurled a piece of purple silk cloth and draped it over Tara’s head like the hood of a cloak. Taking the two corners and wrapping them loosely around Tara’s neck, she secured the head covering with two hairpins so that the majority of her brunette hair was covered. “It means ‘shroud of stars’ in Tir.”
Tara watched as Orynn put on her own ‘shroud of stars’, which was also purple. “And you said all Tir women wear it?”
“All women.” Orynn nodded and adjusted her own nalahem. “The young wear any color, the wedded wear white, while the unwedded of age wear purple. It is a tradition stretching back thousands of years. It is said that the women of Tir are so beautiful, that it left the men unable to work or think of anything else. So, the great Creator sent down a shroud of stars from the heavens so that the women may save part of that beauty for only the eyes of their husband. By wearing one ourselves, we show our respect for the ways of their people.”
“That’s kind of a nice story.” Tara slid her fingers along the purple silk fabric. When Orynn first told her she would need to wear some sort of head covering, she was totally up in arms about the idea. Now that she understood the story behind it, she really didn’t mind it so much. Her eyes glanced over to Hank, who was giving her the strangest look.
Hank’s knees had gone suddenly to jelly at the sight of Tara wearing the purple shroud. There was something about having her head surrounded by the silk which made the beauty of her face that much more apparent. When her bright green eyes turned to him, his breath left him. God, she’s beautiful.
“The limiks are all harnessed up and ready to go, Cap.” Brom walked out from behind the limik pens and caught sight of Tara and Orynn. “Wow, T. Next thing you know, she’ll have you in a skirt too.”
“Not happening.” Tara laughed and looped her arm back through Orynn’s elbow. If Ethan was going to be so distant, then she was going to let Orynn lean on her all she needed. “Shall we, Ashae?”