She flipped through the pages. She couldn’t even remember this woman’s name, but she thought she remembered writing it in bright blue ink.
It took several passes through the book, which was in desperate need of purging, before she found it. Dr. Nancy Sullivan. She dialed the number.
“Dr. Sullivan’s office,” a friendly voice said.
Lindy took a breath. She hadn’t even thought through how she was going to pursue this.
“Hello?”
“Um, hi. I need to speak with Dr. Sullivan, please.”
“I’m sorry. She’s in session. I’d be happy to book an appointment for you.”
“I don’t need an appointment.” Though she could probably use one, in all reality. Lindy took another breath. “But I am needing some information regarding my husband. He’s a former patient.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. Unless your name is on the file as a person we can disclose information to, then I’m unable to give you any information.”
“I understand. Could you please check his file? I’m his wife. I’m certain my name is on there.”
“Ma’am, almost nobody gives permission for their file to be disclosed. Even to their closest family members.”
“If you could just check . . .”
A long pause was followed by “Certainly. Let me get your name and number and have someone call you back.”
Lindy knew that routine. “No. Please. I need to know now. This is an urg—” She squeezed her eyes shut and hoped she didn’t sound too crazy. “We’ve moved to California, and we’re just needing to get his medical records for his new doctor.”
“I see. Well, your husband will have to fill out a form for us to release those to him.”
“Of course. That’s no problem. Can you just make sure you can find those records before I hang up? I am honestly not entirely certain I have the right doctor. It’s Sullivan, but not sure if it’s Nancy. Also, it was a long time ago—2002 through 2003.”
“We have it all stored in computers, so it’s no problem, even if it’s archived.”
Lindy could hear typing.
“What did you say your husband’s name is?”
“Vance Graegan.” Lindy spelled it for her.
“Hold on for a moment.” More typing. And then more. “Ma’am?”
“Yes?”
“You must have the wrong doctor. We have no record of a Vance Graegan.”
“You’re certain?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Okay. Thank you for your time.” Lindy hung up. Her hands shook like she’d downed a couple of espressos.
At the time, Vance claimed to have gone through the channels of the police department, which was offering to pay for counseling for any officer who needed it. She’d never even seen a bill.
Vance had lied to her? Could she really get herself to believe this? Lindy leaned against the kitchen bar, putting her head down, trying to think inside the darkness.
“Mom?”
Lindy’s head popped up. She’d entirely forgotten about Conner, he’d been playing so quietly in the back.
Lindy blew her bangs out of her face. “Hi. How was outside?”
“Is Grandmother gone?”
“Mama Joan, and yes. I’m sorry, sweetie. She had to go in kind of a hurry. She told me to tell you—”
“It’s okay,” he said with a relieved smile. “I’ve been busy outside.”
“What have you been doing?”
“Building a fort. With sticks.”
“That sounds awesome.”
“It is awesome. It looks really cool. The lady even told me so.”
“The lady? What lady?”
“She told me I’m a good builder.”
“Who was the lady?”
“I dunno. It was earlier. You want to come see it?”
Lindy tried to calm herself. When she got stressed, she tended to verge on hysterics. Yes, she was processing that her husband had lied to her about something monumentally important, but she couldn’t let Conner see it. This little boy had been through enough.
“Of course I want to come see it.” She followed Conner out the back door, cautiously scanning the nearby redwoods for a sign of anyone. The alleyway that ran behind the four condos was quiet.
“See?” Conner beamed as he pointed to his little fort, which actually looked very well constructed. It was out of the line of sight of the back window.
“Was it Shirley?”
“Who?”
“Our landlord, Shirley. You know Shirley.”
“No. It wasn’t Shirley.”
Lindy squatted, feigning continued interest in the fort. Her mind spun with rage. How could Vance do this to her?
“She was nice,” Conner said, adding a stick to his fort. “Real nice. She even knew my name.”
Lindy stood, the hairs bristling on her neck. “She knew your name?”
“Yeah. So she wasn’t a stranger, right?”
“Come on, let’s go inside,” she said, widening an already-tense smile.
“But I want to—”
“Inside. Now.”
12
Another wave crashed onto shore, spraying his face lightly. Perched on large, jagged rocks, Vance was far enough back so he wouldn’t get soaked, but close enough that he could feel like he was part of the bay. There was something about the water that caused him great peace. Maybe because he always knew, somehow, he’d end up here.
Sunny California.
Except it was dark now. It had been for an hour. Maybe three. He was losing track of time. The moon was full, round, with crisp edges. The water was washed in its wafting light. And the smell. It was an endless symphony of purity. He crossed his arms and tried to keep warm. He didn’t want to leave. It seemed, for now, he couldn’t. So he stayed.
“You’ve been here for some time.”
Vance turned, startled. He’d thought he was alone. Not even a dog had wandered by. He jumped up from the rock, trying to see the shadowy face of the person standing nearby. She stepped lower, onto a rock a few feet above him.
“Erin?”
“I know. Shocking, right?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Watching you. What are you doing out here all by yourself?”
“How did you find me?”
“I wouldn’t be a very good cop if I couldn’t track somebody down, now would I?” She stepped forward, the bay breeze blowing through her short hair. “I could tell you were in trouble. We know each other well enough. I heard it in your voice. So I jumped on a plane.”
Vance wasn’t sure if he should feel alarmed or thankful.
“May I join you here in your fancy bungalow?”
“Funny.”
Erin sat down next to where he’d been sitting before. She leaned back, watched the moon for a moment. “It’s been ages since I’ve been on the water. I used to surf, back in the day. Long time ago. Now I bet I couldn’t even run three miles on the beach.” She closed her eyes. “It’s perfection out here.”
Vance slowly sat next to her, still shaken by the surprise. It had been perfection moments before. But now, here he sat, with his former partner by his side like she’d appeared out of nowhere.
“What are you doing here?”
She sat up, looked at him, pulled her knees to her chest, and laid her cheek against them. “I could ask you the same thing, Graegan. You’ve been out here forever.”
“You’ve been sitting here this whole time? Watching me?”
“Over there, in the car, trying to figure you out. You looked like you needed some space. I went and got a burger, came back. Went and got a coffee, came back. You’re still here.”
“I’m just trying to work through some things. Sort some things out in my head. You still haven’t told me why you came all the way from Chicago.”
“Sounded like you needed my help. Sounded like a bad situation.” She grinned and returned to reclining against the rock behind her. “Plus, you le
ft your coat.”
“You could’ve just mailed it.”
“Yeah. I guess I could’ve. Your coat is the least of your problems, isn’t it?”
Vance lay back also. The night breeze was topped off with a slight chill.
“All I want is my family. Safe. Sound. Happy. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to give them that. Now I’ve got this guy who is trying to take everything else away from me. Holding all our stuff for ransom. And maybe I should just let him have it. That’s what Lindy says. I guess it gives a whole new meaning to ‘starting over.’”
“Vance, I can’t even believe you’d contemplate something like that.”
“Like what?”
“Just letting it all go.”
“Why not? I’ve got what’s most important to me.”
“You’ve got to catch this guy. Or did you leave behind your sense of justice, too?”
Vance stared at the stars. They dotted the darkness like freckles splashed across the universe.
“Look,” Erin said after a little while of silence, “you and I have been through a lot. I mean, we’ve got history, you know? We’ve got a lot of baggage. I get that. But we’re cool, right?”
“Erin, you haven’t been in my life in years. Now, suddenly, you’re back. And I’m not sure it’s a good thing. Yeah, we’ve got baggage and that baggage concerns more than just you and me.”
“You’ve gotten yourself into a real mess. I’m here to help you. That’s it. Unless, of course, you’re sitting on this beach because you’ve got everything worked out, have all your belongings back, and have nothing better to do with your time.”
Vance sat back up, crossing his arms. It seemed to be getting colder by the second. “You want to know what a real mess is? I saw the tarot card on the mud flaps.”
“What tarot card?”
“What tarot card? The card of Death. The one we found after the kid was shot.”
“Okay, well, there’s lots of people into tarot cards. At least it wasn’t a naked lady. Those drive me crazy.”
Vance felt himself getting angry. She didn’t seem to understand how complex this was.
“He knows.”
“Knows what?”
“He knows our secret.”
Even in the moonlight, Vance saw fear flash through her eyes.
“Yes. That secret.”
“How does he know that?”
“I don’t know, Erin. I don’t know anything.” Vance stood, shaking the bitter cold off him. “I don’t know what any of this means.”
“How could he know that? Nobody knows that,” Erin said, jumping to her feet, grabbing Vance by the arm.
Vance shook her away. He maneuvered around the rocks, heading toward the water.
Erin hurried after him. “How does he know?” she repeated.
Vance didn’t answer.
“You never threw it away, did you? I can’t believe it. You never threw it away. You lied to me.”
“I never told you I did,” Vance said, turning toward her. “You are the one who lied to me!”
“How do you figure that?”
“Because you said you were done with alcohol. And you weren’t.”
“I had some slips.”
“More than slips. As usual, you’re delusional about the reality of your situation.”
Erin’s glare pierced the darkness. “What’s it feel like, Vance? What’s it feel like to be able to hold something over someone?”
“You don’t know anything about what I feel. The guilt about what happened. The guilt that I have to wake up to every day.”
Erin’s voice softened. “Vance, we talked about this. It wouldn’t have made a difference.”
“Yeah, well, I never bought into that theory.”
Erin walked a few paces away, and Vance was thankful for it. He felt like knocking her into the sand. After a few moments, she returned. “So it’s all there. In that van. For this guy to go through.”
“Apparently. He’s had to rummage through a lot to find it. It was buried in a box somewhere. And now he’s holding my darkest secret for ransom.”
“Look,” Erin said, breathing deeply, “we can figure this out. We can get this guy.”
“I don’t know. He’s smart. He’s cut off his cell phone—prepaid with cash, by the way. He’s communicating through notes.”
“We can find him. I can find him.”
“I don’t want you involved, Erin. You shouldn’t have come out here. Lindy would freak out if she knew.”
“Lindy rules the world, I guess.”
“Shut up. Just shut up.”
“I’m not trying to be hard on your wife, even though she’s been a real pain in—”
“I said, shut up. You’ve got to leave.”
“There’s a lot at stake here.”
“No kidding.”
“And not just for you, Graegan.” She stepped closer to him. “If you’re thinking about walking away from this, think again. I won’t let that happen. Do you know what would happen to my career if that disc ever came to light?”
“The mistake we made was covering it up. We should’ve just come clean.”
“Yeah. Easy for you to say. You weren’t going to lose your job.”
“I could’ve been demoted.”
“Yeah, well, I would’ve been out. Permanently.” Her voice sounded weak. “Do you know how many times I’ve imagined how I would tell my father that I’ve been dropped out of the force? I never can find the right words. I never will be able to.” She focused her attention on the sea. “Police work is all I have, Graegan. I don’t have a family. I don’t have a life. I just have the force. Generations of cops to let down.”
“That’s your fault. You’re the one who buried yourself in work.”
“I see. You kept everything well-balanced, did you?”
“You shouldn’t have come here. I want you to leave. I will handle this however I need to handle it. But however I choose, it will be what’s best for my family, because I am not going to be a man who lives alone, with only his memories as his companions. I’ve got everything I want.”
“Good for you. Glad the universe offered you the luxury.”
“You never took care of your problem. You never faced it, Erin. There’s nobody to blame but yourself.”
“You’re so superior. You’ve got your home, your family. You’ve done something right in life. I must not have, since I’m alone.”
“I never said that.”
“You implied it.”
“No. All I said was that you never took care of your problem. And you should have.”
“I’m sober now.”
“Good.”
Erin bit her lip like she was trying to keep a mouthful of hate from spilling out. Her nostrils flared. She popped the knuckles on both hands. “So. You kept it all these years. Did you ever intend on using it?”
“I just kept it, Erin. It seemed like I should. Maybe as much for my own guilt as anything else. I’ve never been able to reconcile myself to what I did.”
“I sleep fine at night.”
“You always did.” Vance finally turned to her. “Go home. I’ll handle this. Just go home.”
“I’m glad I saved your life that day so you could toss me aside, without any regard to what’s at stake for me.”
Vance watched Erin tread through the sand and up the rocky hill, her body lumbering with anger. His resolve suddenly shuddered with indecision. He owed her so much. More than he could ever repay.
She had asked him to keep her secret.
It had been at such a great cost.
He stepped forward, wanting to shout out her name, but it only sounded like a whisper against the force of the waves.
“Erin, wait. . . .”
She didn’t hear him.
And he was glad.
* * *
Lindy managed to get through three games of Sorry! trying to keep herself and Conner occupied. She really just wanted to go
to the bathroom and cry.
But having a child cured her of having a breakdown anytime she wanted.
She continued to feel shaken by the woman who’d approached Conner outside. She’d thought Vance paranoid for all his insistence about Conner and the outdoors. Now she had something to worry about, though Conner said the woman wasn’t scary. He couldn’t give a good description, but he’d never been that observant about people. He could identify any species of bug, but the day Lindy cut off ten inches of her hair, he didn’t even notice.
She tried to put the incident aside. She had other things to worry about, like the fact that she couldn’t get ahold of her husband.
And night had fallen.
Where could he be? Still talking with this detective? Then why didn’t he answer his phone?
She’d gotten one text from him. All it said was I will be home late.
What was late?
And why wasn’t he answering his phone, for crying out loud?
These questions and more continued to distract her. She found herself standing in the kitchen with the refrigerator door wide open and no idea why.
From his bedroom, Conner shouted, “I miss my TV!”
Yeah. Lindy did too. As bad as it sounded, she wished she could stick him in front of some mindless cartoon so she could try to get a grip.
“Mom? Where’s my milk?”
Milk. That was it. She pulled the carton out and found a plastic cup. Everything felt like slow motion right now, and she was afraid at any moment she might burst into tears.
The last thing Lindy wanted was for Conner to feel afraid. He’d been adjusting fairly well to the situation. She wanted that to continue.
But she couldn’t do it alone.
And alone was where she was at the moment.
On top of that, she was still processing the fact that Vance had lied to her about going to therapy.
A sob from deep within bubbled up, sticking in her throat.
Then a knock rattled the front door. Lindy gasped, spilling the milk. It splashed over the counter and dripped onto the tile floor. She left it and grabbed her gun, which she’d stashed on top of the fridge—just while Vance was gone—for easy access.
Her hand trembled, but not the one with the gun.
She stepped lightly toward the front door, keeping the gun low, just in case Conner came to see who it was. But he probably didn’t even hear the knock in his bedroom. The air conditioner made a racket most of the time.