Getting in the shower was the first step, and then I needed to shave this crap off my face and get in the car and find my way to Nashville. It seemed like the Promised Land and if I managed to get there, then I hoped things would get better. I'd have music to distract me and feed my soul. Music was the only thing I could count on to save me. I had to believe it because I couldn't believe in anything else right now.
As the water pounded into my skin, washing away the stench of alcohol, my mind wandered back to the night before. Had Jessie really been here? She'd turned up at my door and I'd just lost it and kissed her. My tongue against hers, my hands in her hair, her perfect brown eyes. Running my fingers across my lips, I remembered what that felt like. Remembered what it was to be consumed. She was still in there, lodged in my heart, and I wanted her out.
That scotch really did a number on me. Did I get so drunk that I hallucinated her? Fucking hell. How would she even be able to find me? The moment I thought it, Zoe's face flashed in my mind. Fucking Zoe.
Dragging my sorry ass out of the shower, I cleaned myself up, shaving and getting dressed. I had to focus on the task at hand because if I didn't, then I'd be focusing on someone else.
Packing my bag and sliding my sunglasses on, I downed a glass of water before opening the door and walking out into the cool morning. The fresh air hit my face and it was oddly soothing.
What I didn't expect was Jessie sitting on the bonnet of the car and my heart did this stupid flip flop thing. So, not a alcohol related hallucination. I felt a burning sensation at the thought of kissing her last night.
"I don't have a way to get home," she said, her eyes fixed on me.
"Not my problem." I threw my stuff in the boot and slammed the back closed with a bang. Ignoring her, I went down to the office and dropped my key in the box. When I strode back, she was still standing there, her bag at her feet, hands shoved in her pockets. I looked her over and I didn't have it in me to abandon her in the middle of nowhere.
Grimacing, I said, "Get in before I change my mind." I slid into the drivers seat and waited as she scrambled to throw her bag in the back. When she got in the front it was in a cloud of vanilla perfume and I closed my eyes trying to filter it out.
Reversing out of the park and pulling out onto the road, my jaw was tense. All that carefully placed facade and dream of going to Nashville was totally blown to smithereens. It was so blown, it was splattered everywhere.
Thinking about which way I was going now wasn't much of an option. I'd looked at the map the night before, seeing where shit was. To get to New York, I'd have to go through Kansas City, then St Louis. I'd take her that far then figure out the rest later.
After a while of driving in complete silence, Jessie finally spoke up. "Where are we going?"
"I'm taking you home," I replied bluntly.
"What, all the way to Brooklyn?"
"I was going that way anyway. May as well get there a little faster."
"Do you even know how long it will take to drive to New York from here?"
I shrugged. "I've driven to Perth and back."
"Somehow I don't think that's the same."
"It's the same," I glared. "A long boring trip full of nothing." She visibly flinched, but I didn't take my eyes off the road.
"Why don't you just put me on a plane?" she asked, her voice thin.
I didn't have an answer for that. Maybe I wanted to see if she was actually sorry? That she felt bad for what she did... But, maybe I just didn't want to give her the money.
Even if I did have an answer, I didn't bother replying, plugging in my iPod and turning up the stereo instead. If I couldn't hear her, then she wasn't really there. So fucking childish.
She lasted three songs before she pulled out the iPod and stuffed it in the glove box. I scowled, but didn't take my eyes off the road. She wanted a reaction and I didn't want to give it to her.
"When I was a teenager, I was angry all the time." She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I acted out, fought with my parents, snuck out at night, got drunk at school. I was a bad egg. I was expelled twice but somehow I managed to graduate. The same night, I packed a bag and disappeared."
So, she'd got it down to a fine art. "If this is the origin story to your ditching superpower, I don't want to hear it."
"I know I've made a lot of bad choices," she continued. "But, I want to make this right. I fucked up."
"Nothing you say will change anything," I hissed and flipped on the radio. What, did she think she could just turn up and tell me a stupid story and everything would be okay? She didn't want me, she wanted to feel better about herself. She wanted closure and fucked if I was giving it to her.
The outskirts of Denver slowly morphed into countryside, the silence between us stretching on. Exactly how I wanted it. My mind focused on the road ahead and the radio, listening to the ads and the news, anything to keep my mind off the body sitting beside me. The body I still wanted to bury myself in, despite all efforts to the contrary.
The moment I was alone, I'd call Zoe and rip shreds off her. There was no doubt her intentions were noble, but it was the wrong thing to do. Now I was stuck in a car with the one person who'd managed to ruin me because my stupid good guy streak wasn't able to leave her stranded in the middle of the country. This was the part of the story where things would get wild and somehow we'd get stuck together in a motel room somewhere and things would explode. Not this story, if I had anything to do with it.
I stopped for petrol around lunch time and without a word, got out and filed the tank. When I'd paid, I pulled the car into a park out the front and went inside for something to eat. I was vaguely aware that Jessie had followed me, but I didn't have it in me to make eye contact. I grabbed a sandwich and some water and took my haul back out to the car and ate in silence, watching the traffic on the highway zoom past.
When Jessie got back in with her own food and it was awkward as hell. I began formulating the things I wanted to say to Zoe as a way to distract myself. This was the day from hell.
"We can stop you know," Jessie said. "You might have to spend another day with me, but it won't kill you."
I sighed sharply, leaning my elbow against the window.
"It's like a nine hour drive to Kansas City."
I grimaced.
"You can't hate me forever. Nothing might ever happen between us again and we might never be friends, but you can't keep hating me."
I didn't answer. I didn't even know what to say to that.
"I think you're probably exhausted by now."
"From what?" I asked before I realized I actually wanted to know.
"The driving," she said carefully and I knew she really meant the hate thing. I didn't hate her. Hate was such a strong word. I nothing-ed her.. I couldn't feel anything for her because it was exhausting. It was exhausting having these dangerous feelings for a woman who could so easily run away from it all.
After letting the thought roll around in my head for a while, I said, "We'll stop in Kansas City."
Kicking open the door to the motel room, I cursed when I saw that there was only one bed. After a nine hour drive, I just wanted to collapse and not worry about it. Instead, Jessie and I were being forced together like magnets. Probability said that the more time we spent together, the more I'd want her because of the physical attraction, that it was only a matter of time, but this was too much.
"You can take it," Jessie said. "I can sleep in the car…"
"Don't be stupid," I said. "Take the bed."
She just shrugged and dumped her bag on the floor by the far window. Deciding I'd feel better after a hot shower, I disappeared into the bathroom and stood under the water for what seemed like hours before finally dragging myself out. I'd have to face her sooner or later and hiding in the bathroom wasn't the best course of action. I was dying to call Zoe and tell her what for.
Pulling on my boxers and t-shirt, I cracked the door open and let my eyes run over the bed where Je
ssie was curled up under the covers, fast asleep and in darkness. All of these feelings were pooling in my heart and I didn't know what the hell to do with them. Calling Zoe would have to wait until tomorrow.
I didn't know what part of me didn't get her a separate room. Maybe the dark part that still wanted to screw her senseless. I climbed onto the bed next to her and lay on top of the covers, my back to her sleeping form.
I could've just slid underneath and pulled her back into my chest, breathed her in so deep I'd never forget her scent. I could've turned her over and kissed her awake, but it wouldn't mean anything. It was just my body trying to control me, to sate itself. My heart wouldn't be in it and my heart is exactly what I wanted to use.
Jessie was right. I couldn't hate her forever. I didn't have it in me to hate. Closing my eyes, I let sleep take me and hoped I would feel better about it in the morning.
When I woke, I never expected to find Dee asleep next to me. My heart ached as I took in his soft expression, the slight rise and fall of his chest, the way his hair had messed up. It reminded me of the way I'd looked down at him that morning. Now, the difference was that I'd never leave.
Maybe we didn't need to fix things. Maybe it was a case of starting over. I could keep saying I was sorry forever and never get anywhere. If I could get him to see the real me, then we might have a chance at being epic again.
Before he could wake and catch me staring, I went into the bathroom and had a quick shower. By the time I came out, dressed and ready to go, he still hadn't woken. He'd driven so far yesterday and not to mention whatever he'd been through before that, and it was no wonder he was so tired. Deciding to leave him be for a while, I wandered outside and down the street where a diner sat by the side of the road. Buying a couple of bacon and sausage muffins and two takeout cups of coffee, I went straight back to the motel.
Balancing the food in one hand, I closed the door behind me with a soft thud. Dee let out a groan as he rolled over, his sleepy eyes finding mine. For a moment he looked disoriented, like he didn't realize who he was looking at, then he frowned.
"I got you something to eat," I said indifferently. "Coffee, too." I tuned my back to him and set the food on the bench and pulled out my share and began eating. There was nowhere to sit, so I propped myself against the counter.
The mattress squeaked and a moment later he was beside me. "Thanks."
I stiffened slightly at the sound of his voice and nodded. "No problem."
We ate in silence, the smell of fresh bacon and coffee filling the tiny room, finally overpowering the trademark mothball smell all motels seemed to have.
"I'm having a shower," Dee said and for once it wasn't laced with anything untoward.
"Okay."
He disappeared into the bathroom and my shoulders sagged. Was that progress, as minute as it was?
By the time we were back in the car, it was less frosty than the day before. Dee still ignored me, but the tension in the air wasn't as thick and it made me wonder what it was that had begun to change his mind.
"Do you mind stopping at the next gas station?" I asked, breaking the silence.
He glanced over at me, then back to the road. The only indication he gave me that he'd agreed was when he actually pulled off the highway into a bright, shiny BP that had about six or seven long haul trucks in the lot. Cutting the engine he sighed and sunk back into the seat, stretching his arms.
"Want anything?" I asked, fumbling for the door handle.
"No, thanks." Grumpy, but still polite.
Inside the gas station, I detoured past the ladies room and then strolled down the aisle, looking for something to eat. Instead, I found myself looking at the magazine rack full of tabloids, newspapers and assorted pulp.
My eyes fell onto a copy of Rolling Stone. It was the new edition and I knew that there would be an article in there on The Devil's Tattoo. Remembering the shoot a week and a half ago, the one that Georgie had masterfully arranged for me to be absent from, I realized they really had cut it close to deadline. They probably went to print a few hours after the shoot.
I snatched up the magazine with greedy hands and flipped through the pages, finding the spot where they'd printed the photograph. It was double page, with a small article about the band. My eye was instantly drawn to Dee. He was standing behind everyone, but his presence was imposing, even in print. They all looked like rough rocker types, but his eyes were soft, looking over Zoe's shoulder directly into the camera. Georgie, for all of her short comings, did a great job with the styling.
My fingers traveled across the page, tracing the outline of Dee's face and I wished it was the real thing.
Letting the magazine close in my hands, I went up to the counter and bought it, wondering if Dee had even seen it yet. I couldn't remember if his cell had rung or if he'd even looked at it. I doubt something like that would have escaped my notice. The thought of him talking to someone else, to another woman, made jealousy flare.
My cell started to ring shrilly in my pocket and when I pulled it out, it said 'Unknown Caller'. Sighing, I declined the call. It was probably Georgie or some poor intern trying to get a hold of me. She could suck up all she wanted, I wasn't hers anymore to order around.
Paying for the magazine and two bottles of water, I went back out to the car where Dee was still sitting, watching the traffic go past on the highway to hell. He jumped when I dumped the magazine into his lap.
"Have you seen this yet?" I asked. "It just came out."
I watched carefully as he flipped open the magazine, settling on the page where the band's photo was. He looked at it so long, I didn't know what to make of it. Was he unhappy about it? Wasn't what he was expecting from the shoot? They didn't write anything bad about them. In fact, the writer had said they were the next big thing. Coming from Rolling Stone, that was cracking the big time. I doubted it wouldn't be long before Galaxy would be putting a national tour together as soon as the album came out. Strike while the iron was hot and all.
If I was Georgie, I'd get them on the festival circuit at the same time. Coachella would be their thing a billion times over.
"What?" I asked, when he was still staring at it after five minutes. "Don't you like it?"
"No," he sighed. "It's great."
"But?" What he said next made perfect sense, but it still surprised me.
"I miss them."
"They're your family," I whispered.
He looked up at me and even though I couldn't see his eyes through his dark sunglasses, I knew they were sad. His lips twitched into a half smile and he handed the magazine back to me. "Thanks for showing me."
"You're welcome," I said, curling my fingers around the paper like it was a lifeline. "Didn't anyone show you yet?"
"No," he shook his head. "I haven't looked at my phone for a while now."
"Oh." I was entirely sure that was my fault.
Without another word, he turned the engine on and backed out of the space. I wondered how much longer this could go on for. I was slowly chipping away at the edges, trying to get to know him again, but was it enough? I'd stalled him for another day, but in another we could be back in Brooklyn and that would be it.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I jumped when Dee let out a snort.
"What?" I asked, looking up at the billboard that was coming towards us. Big Al's Shrimp Shack.
"We're in Kentucky," he frowned, nodding towards the sign.
"So?"
"Doesn't seem the place for a shrimp shack."
"There's a lot of random stuff once you get out of the big cities," I said. "Isn't there stuff like that in Australia?"
"Sure."
"Like what?"
"There's a lot of big things," he shrugged.
"What do you mean?"
"There's a big banana, a big pineapple, a big koala, a big prawn…"
"No way." I twisted in my seat a little, so I could watch him.
"It's just tacky shit," he said, looking at me
out the corner of his eye. "Crap built on the side of the highway."
"So? I love tacky. What else is there?"
He sighed and began rattling off the ones he knew. "There's a big sheep, a big crab, a big rocking horse, a big macadamia nut."
"A macadamia nut? Wouldn't that just be a big round ball?"
"Pretty much."
I'd finally got him talking and my heart began to swell with hope. The Dee that had hung out with me at Venice Beach was starting to show again and I'd do anything to keep him there. "Is there a website with all of these? I'd love to do a road trip one day."
"Probably," he said slowly, like he was suspicious of me.
"What?" I grinned. "I love tacky tourist attractions. Australia sounds like my kinda holiday destination."
His eyebrow rose and I sat back in my seat, flipping through the Rolling Stone.
"All I'm saying is that that kind of stuff adds character to a place. Like there's nothing there that people would want to come and see, but the people who do live there love it enough that they want others to come see it too."
He let out a snort and shook his head at me like he didn't believe that I'd thought up that notion all on my own.
"What?" I exclaimed with a smile.
All Dee did was shake his head again and flip stations on the radio. Sensing he didn't want to continue the conversation, I turned my attention back to the magazine, taking that one as a small victory. Another crack in the ice.
I didn't know if it was the fact that I was tired, or on some subconscious level I wanted to spend more time with Jessie, but I pulled over to a roadside motel later that afternoon. We were somewhere between St. Louis and Indianapolis, or at least I thought we were. If we stayed one more night, then tomorrow we'd reach New York in one piece. Maybe. I hadn't looked at the map yet, which was my usual style. Don't worry about it until the moment you get in the car.