She smiled at him as she stretched to get the top of the wall painted. “Yes. The label hooked me up when I came back to Seattle. My condo has state-of-the-art security and the building is very secure too. They offered me a bodyguard but I don’t want that. I just want to write music, to make coffee and to be left the fuck alone.” She turned to face him. “But it means a lot that you’d ask. Really. Thanks.”
They painted in amiable company for another two hours, until a ruckus at the back door made him groan.
“That’ll be Ben. You may as well meet him now or he’ll just keep on. He’s that way. I wouldn’t have even told him you’d be here today, but he wanted to go golfing and I told him why I had much better plans.”
She looked startled for a moment and then softened. He liked that. Liked when he could tell he’d touched her in some small way. But they couldn’t discuss it, because in moments Ben’s boots sounded as Todd’s best friend shouted out a greeting.
“Hot damn, it is Erin Brown. I was wondering if Todd had made you up to keep his mother from fixing him up with the single daughters of her church ladies.” Ben, well over six and a half feet of burly, used to play football in high school, grinned as he burst into the room. Holy hotness, Batman. This hunk of homegrown Northwest man gave Todd a serious run for his money in the mouthwa tering department.
Erin blinked a few times, blushing. “You’d be Ben, the ‘B’ in BCT Security Solutions, then.” She wiped her hands and held one out for him to take. She wasn’t small by any means, but Ben dwarfed her anyway.
“Hands off now. Why are you here?” Todd put the lid back on the paint after he’d poured the remainder back into the can.
“Room looks good.” Ben turned to look and then bent to help gather the drop cloths.
“Excuse me a moment, gents. I’ll be back.” Erin ducked out, heading toward the bathroom at the opposite end of the hall.
“I should have known you’d come by. Nosy bastard.” Todd took the painting stuff out to the garage and disposed of everything properly, cleaning up while Ben helped.
“Of course you should have. This woman is someone you talk about constantly and in a way I’ve never heard before. Not afraid to get her hands dirty, I like that. She blushes and she didn’t seem to get that I meant Erin Brown the rockstar not just your girlfriend. After Sheila, god knows someone needed to keep an eye on your choices.”
“I still have a hard time believing she’s a rockstar. Or was. Whatever.”
“Did she tell you what happened? Why she came back here?” Ben lowered his voice.
“She’s hinted around the edges. It sounds awful. She says she lost someone. I gather it was someone close. I want her to tell me, but I have to admit I’m dying to look it up. Do you know?” He kept his eyes on the back door to be sure she wasn’t coming toward them.
“I told you, I’m a huge fan. I have all Mud Bay’s CDs, the tour DVD and now Adrian’s stuff too. Yes. I know.” Ben hesitated, and both men smiled as they caught sight of the pink hair through the kitchen window. “In person she’s less fierce than her onstage persona was. I hope you don’t mind my saying she’s really fucking hot too. Intelligent I already knew through her lyrics. She’s an amazing songwriter. Listen to a song called ‘Absence’. I’ve got the CD in my car, you can borrow it. She lost a child, Todd.”
Ben would have said more, but she ducked her head out and saw them. Todd shoved the disorientation away, his sadness at what she must have experienced, but also a gulf beneath his feet that she’d made a baby with someone else.
“This is my hungry face,” she said simply. “If you two are finished swapping stories about me, you need to make good on that promise of Thai food.”
Ben laughed. “I’ll go get it. You two hang out and I’ll be back in a few.”
Before Todd could tell him he wasn’t invited, Ben jogged off to his car and drove away.
“He’s pushy. You two must have known each other a long time.”
He kissed her first, just because he craved her taste. “Mmm, you have such delicious lips,” he murmured. “And yes, we’ve been friends since the second grade. His dad and mine are cops, his younger brother was too. Cop families.” Todd shrugged. “They’re close-knit. Anyway, he’s like a brother to me. My best friend and a big pain in my ass. Cope is his little brother and the closest friend I have after Ben. I’m closer to them than to my own brothers. Maybe it’s because we’re all the rebels who quit cop work.” He shrugged. “As for Cope, I’ll give him about half an hour more before he shows up. He’s got an uncanny ability to know when food is available.”
She laughed. “I like that. Family is important. Are you okay with your friends knowing me?”
He grasped her face, cradling her cheeks in his hands. “I need you to understand something. You’re important to me. Ten years ago I was stupid. I didn’t know what you were to me. I didn’t understand what I was myself. I want them to know you. They’re important to me and so are you.”
Her gaze held his for long, silent moments until it slid away. She held herself back, and while he understood he’d hurt her back then, he wanted her to give herself to him now. He’d have to earn her trust again. He wanted her to tell him the story. But losing a child wasn’t something you talked about when you were about to be invaded by your boyfriend’s buddies. And he was her boyfriend. Period.
“Let me set the table then. I see you’ve got it set so you can eat and still see the ginormous television. Not enough furniture but a big TV. I suppose the essentials are taken care of.” She smirked as she spun from him, but he caught her again, pulling her back, her ass fitting in the cradle of his hips.
He leaned to her ear, nipping it. “I didn’t say you could leave my arms.”
Her breath caught and he couldn’t help but notice her nipples pressing against the cotton of her T-shirt.
She didn’t spit back a flip remark and he wanted to bend her over and fuck her then and there, but as luck would have it, Cope’s truck pulled into the driveway and the engine cut.
“Yes, you like that, don’t you? God knows I do.” He pressed a kiss to the side of her neck. “Cope is here and I have a hard-on the size of that television. The dishes are in the cabinet next to the fridge.” He let go and she leaned back against him for one more moment before flitting off into the kitchen.
Holy shit. Erin pressed the back of her hand to her mouth as she tried to get herself under control. He’d just pushed a monster button. In a good way. A button she hadn’t even known she had apparently. But all that big, hard, strong maleness against her, holding her tight, telling her he hadn’t given her permission to leave his arms? Christ on a cracker, that was hot. Hot enough that her panties were wet and her nipples throbbed. She was sure she still bore the flush of arousal when the other one of the guys stomped into the house and all that male noise rose to a pitch as backs were thumped and insults were traded.
She smiled as she got herself together enough to reach for plates. Todd and his friends were a lot like Brody and Adrian. That kinship showed, and Erin felt that if Todd trusted these men enough to love them like brothers, they were indeed worthy men.
If Ben Copeland had been overwhelmingly large and very handsome, his little brother was downright sinfully gorgeous. He was Todd’s size, with black hair and striking blue eyes. She also knew him.
“So Cope is actually Andy Copeland, huh?” She put the plates on the table and moved toward them.
“Oh my god! You’re the café hottie! Your brother has done my inkwork.” Cope turned to Todd, whose eyebrows had slashed down, his face darkening into a scowl. Cope laughed. “I sneak into your girlfriend’s café at least once a month to drink coffee and to check out what color her hair might be next. Back with Mud Bay you had dreads, and then your hair was very short and black. Hot.” He waggled his brows. “I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you. I should have recognized your voice though. You should have sung more often. That smoky sex voice thing you do on ‘Lashed’ is hot stuff.”
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She laughed. “Um, thanks.”
“I can’t believe you and Ben know her stuff and I don’t. I feel like an idiot.”
She reached up, sliding her hand up his neck, wanting to soothe him. “You know me. That’s better. It’s okay, really.”
He turned like his friend wasn’t there and kissed her, hard and fast.
“I blame Waylon Jennings and Toby Keith.” Cope shrugged.
She wrinkled her nose. “It’s only half as bad as I imagined. Waylon kicks ass,” she teased.
“What do you have against Toby?” Todd asked.
“It’s my belief that men who are aggressive and always threatening to beat people up are overcompensating.” She grinned, knowing she and Todd were not close politically at all. Good thing the sex made up for it.
Just then Ben came in with several bags of takeout and the space was filled with so much testosterone a girl could have gotten drunk from it. Instead, she ordered them all to sit, and they popped open lids to the various containers. She sighed happily, putting spoons in things and passing around plates.
Without thinking, she made a plate for Todd and put a beer down for him. His eyes, when he looked at her, burned with some inner light. She hadn’t meant it to be provocative; she just took care of him. Not because he was her master or anything, but because she liked making him happy.
Which scared her. She couldn’t take anyone else into her heart, damn it. It was too much and she’d already lost him once. It had hurt a lot after only a few months when she was very young. What would it be like now? What would the emotional cost be if he walked away again? She sure as hell didn’t have the currency left to pay for it.
She played a stupid, dangerous game with him and she knew it. If she was smart, she’d walk away now. Telling herself she could keep it friendly was a lie and she knew it. Not because she wasn’t capable of fucking casually; she totally was. Erin wasn’t the type of woman who equated sex and love. But this was different because he was different. He got to her. No one had made her want to serve them simply because she wanted to please. God help her. She wasn’t strong enough to deal with the emotional devastation if he walked away, but she wasn’t strong enough to run now herself.
He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “You’re thinking, Erin. It’s like a movie, watching your face. Don’t run from me. I’ll come for you. I want you and you want me. Let yourself have it.” His whispered breath was hot on her ear and it sent a shiver down her side.
She nearly dropped her beer from fingers gone nerveless. How did he get her so well?
“I wanted to tell you how much I loved Adrian’s latest CD. He’s really growing into that voice of his.” Ben’s big blue eyes found hers and she latched on to the lifeline he tossed her. She liked his face. It was open and honest as well as gorgeous.
“Thanks. I think so too. He’s just put the finishing touches on the new CD this week. I’ve been in the studio with him.”
“Do you ever sing anymore?”
“On the tracks I do. In the studio. When he goes out live, he has backup singers. His tour bassist is almost as good as me.” She grinned. She may not have been able to handle being on that stage anymore, but she still loved what she did, was proud of it, in fact.
“I saw you back at the Off Ramp. A million years ago it seems.” Ben laughed. “I still have some bootlegged, home-pressed CD you sold out of the trunk of a car in the parking lot.”
She burst out laughing. “Oh my god! Really? Adrian and I sold plasma to afford that pressing.” Shaking her head, she tipped the last of her beer into her mouth.
“I’ve seen them live too. Twice as a matter of fact, back in the day. But Ben, bring in that CD. I want to hear it.” Todd sat back in his chair.
Erin felt the heat build up her neck. “Gah! Listen to it when I’m not here. I’m hypercritical and it’s sort of masturbatory to listen to your own music with friends.” She wrinkled her nose.
“Masturbatory?” Cope raised a brow and then winced when the cap from a beer bottle glanced off his forehead when Todd tossed it at him.
“I should be going soon. I’ve been away from the café more than usual because I’ve been working with Adrian. I need to get some bread in the ovens for tomorrow. I usually bake on Sunday evenings.”
“Do you need help? I can help in the kitchen.” Todd’s lips curved into a smile that told her his “help” would be of the shoving-his-cock-into-her-cunt type and not the kneading-dough type.
“I’m sure you can. But it’s sort of my alone time.” She rolled her eyes at his pout. “Oh goodness gracious, don’t pout. It’s not like I’m half a world away. I’m only three miles from here. You know my number.”
“I’ll walk you out.” He grabbed her bag and put an arm around her waist.
“It was nice to meet you both.”
“Definitely. And we’ll see you soon I’m sure.” Ben nodded and Cope winked. Lord, what a mischievous little boy he must have been.
She let Todd walk her out. She’d chosen the alley behind the garage, where he’d suggested she move her car earlier, and she was glad. They were out of sight when he pressed her against the side of her car and shoved his fingers through her hair, tangling with her braids. His mouth came down on hers, his tongue seeking entry right away.
She gave it to him, melting into his touch.
Without thinking, she stroked him through his jeans, and he made a strangled sound she eagerly swallowed.
When he broke away, he looked down into her face, chest heaving. “I wanted to be with you this afternoon. In my bed. Let me tell them to go.”
“It’s okay. I liked meeting them. They’re very nice.”
“You and me, dinner on Tuesday night.”
He hadn’t exactly asked, but she nodded anyway.
“I’ll pick you up at your condo. We’ll walk to get dinner.”
“Wow, like a real date and stuff?” She winked, but she wasn’t being flip, she liked the idea.
He nodded. “I told you, I’m serious about you, Erin. Now go on and bake. I’ll call you later.”
10
She drove to the café and breathed through the panic when she saw the darkened front windows. Erin had wanted to tell Todd yes, to come with her because she hated the fucking fear. If he’d been with her, she wouldn’t have had a damned panic attack at the very thought of going into her own business at five in the afternoon on a Sunday in full light.
The neighborhood was safe. She knew everyone in it and they knew her. Her feelings were irrational; she knew it, and yet they were there. She had to make herself do this every Sunday, even if she would have to change her shirt once she got inside because she’d become so sweaty from the panic. But she did it because she would not let Charles Cabot steal any more of her life.
“It’s daylight. Stop. You are an adult. There is nothing to be afraid of,” she muttered as she walked toward the café’s front door. It seemed as if the short block lengthened, darkened.
Two sort of scary-looking guys, albeit—hello—her brother’s bread and butter at the tattoo parlor—and her people really—stood near the alley on the other side of the café.
Her heart sped, making her dizzy. So dizzy she had to touch the window of the shop to keep her bearings. Damn it, she would not, would not allow a fucking panic attack right now. She wasn’t a pussy. She wasn’t a coward. She could open her own door without falling into a weepy puddle just feet away.
“Erin? Honey, are you all right?”
She looked around, blinking, and saw Brody standing in his doorway, wearing concern on his face. She’d seen it so many times she nearly burst into tears of frustration.
“Fine. Fine!” she spat out and forced her legs to take the next steps to the door.
“Shut the fuck up about fine.” Brody caught up to her, putting an arm around her shoulders and taking her keys. “I’ve told you to call me when you’re pulling up and I’ll meet you to unlock and let you inside. Why you do this to you
rself every week is beyond me.”
He jammed the key into the lock and then two more before the door swung open. She stood near her brother while he turned off the alarm and flipped on the lights.
At last he faced her, holding both her hands. “Baby girl, I love you so much. Let me help you. It’s not necessary to be superwoman, you know? Why don’t you call me? I’m just next door. You know I’ll come with you. I don’t judge you, because there’s nothing to judge. You’re not a burden. I like to do things for you.”
She blinked, but the tears came anyway and he simply hugged her, sliding a hand up and down her back.
“I hate being this person,” she said softly. “I used to be brave. I used to climb mountains and yell at hecklers. Now I jump at shadows.”
“God, Erin. You are brave. I wish you could see yourself, I wish you could see the woman Adrian and I see every day. Beyond strong to survive this goddamn mess.” He stepped back enough to look into her face. “How long has it been since you’ve been to therapy?”
“I should be better! How long will this last? I can’t go to therapy for the rest of my life.”
“Honey, you experienced something so horrible it would take any person years to get over. Why do you hold yourself to such a ridiculous standard? I needed therapy after it happened and it didn’t even happen to me. For a year and a half I went every two weeks because I was terrified of losing you. Do you think I’m a loser for needing that? Adele was your little girl, you loved her. Adrian and I loved her too. You nearly died and you’re my heart. That doesn’t come with a ‘heal by’ date like a carton of milk.”
She knew he was right. But therapy sometimes made it worse. Stirred up things best left alone and forgotten, or at the very least, pretended to be forgotten. Still, she couldn’t keep living this way.
“I’ll call her. It’s coming up anyway . . . the anniversary. I’ll probably need it.”
“We could go away. Me, you and Adrian. Head out to the coast. Go to New York, Vancouver—hell, Amsterdam even.”
“No. I can’t run this year. But I want you to know I would have died without you and Adrian. You guys throw me life preservers. You must hate being my lifeguard so much. Without me you’d have been able to go to art school. Instead you had to raise me and Adrian. That’s fucked up.”