Jamie let her go. There was nothing more to say.
He sat up most of the night thinking it through. Shelley had made some valid arguments, but she was missing the point. Yes, Sarah was precocious, and yes, Mr Carr had some good characteristics, but there was no excuse for a man in his position taking advantage of a girl who thinks she’s more grown up than she is. A teacher having sex with an under-age student is wrong in all kinds of ways, and nothing makes it right.
But so what? She loved him. Whatever he was, whatever he did, Sarah loved him and had always loved him. She had always said he’s the one, Jamie, the only one I need, I dream about him, I yearn for him. She’d said it when she was fourteen with a freshly squashed heart; she’d said it when she was sixteen and newly homeless; then at eighteen when she was screwing celebrities and turning down millionaires; and she’d said it less than a month ago when she was naked and kissing Jamie’s chest. If it hadn’t been for Him, I would think this was as good as it gets. She had meant it as a compliment.
It was a compliment. To be second out of a field of thousands, to be first runner-up to a god. Especially a god who had not appeared for worship for eight long years. A god who had abandoned the most faithful of his flock in her time of desperate need.
Sarah had suffered for her belief and devotion. While Daniel Carr was enjoying himself under the Queensland sun, Sarah was caught in a storm, thrashing herself against rocks, trying to break herself open. While the love of her life was playing with his kids at the beach, Sarah was working double shifts at a sleazy restaurant so she could afford to live in a derelict building. While he was teaching English to a fresh batch of adoring teenagers, Sarah was popping pills and losing time and having abortions. And while he was teaching Sunday school, Sarah was getting buggered by strangers in car parks and alleyways.
And while all this was going on, Jamie was holding on tight, riding it out, keeping her alive, waiting for his time to come. It had never occurred to him that he was doing it all for Daniel Carr’s benefit, taking care of Sarah so she would be in good condition when he came back to claim her. And if he had known, it wouldn’t have made a scrap of difference. Jamie took care of her because he loved her, and he loved her because he couldn’t not. If she had never so much as kissed him, never even spoken to him, he would still have done everything in his power to make her happy and safe.
Nothing could never change that.
6
Daniel took Sarah to Parramatta Park, because it was a clear warm day, and because he hadn’t been to the park since he’d returned to Sydney over a year ago, and because he wanted them to only see each other in public for the time being. Sarah dressed as demurely as she could without going to plain ugly. Dark blue jeans, a pale blue twin set, sneakers. She plaited her hair and tied it with a blue ribbon that she bought specially.
They sat side by side, but not touching, on a bench facing the river. Sarah had promised to tell him everything he wanted to know. She was eager to get it all out, not because she liked talking about her miserable life, but because the sooner they got all the catching up, getting to know each other stuff out of the way, the sooner Daniel would touch her.
‘How many men have you been with?’ he wanted to know.
‘Many.’
‘Sarah, you promised to be honest with me.’
She sighed. ‘I am. I don’t know how many. Hundreds.’
Daniel stared at her, clearly waiting for her to tell him she was joking. She stared back, refusing to let him make her ashamed. ‘I see,’ he said. ‘How many of them did you love?’
‘None.’
He squinted. ‘None?’
‘Just you.’
His face softened and for a moment she thought he might kiss her, but he only nodded and carried on with his questioning. ‘Are you sleeping with anyone at the moment?’
‘Yeah, just… just Jamie. It’s actually pretty serious and… okay, I do love him, but not in the way… not in love love. I’ve known him forever and… It’s complicated.’
Daniel closed his eyes. ‘Explain it to me.’
‘He’s my best friend and I pretty much owe him my life. There’s a line from Dickinson: “I felt it shelter to speak to you.” That’s how I feel about Jamie. But he got this silly girl pregnant and married her, but he’s in love with me, and, well, I’m in love with you. I told him about you and he…’ Sarah cringed at the memory. ‘He did not handle it well.’
‘I want you to stop sleeping with him.’
‘You can’t expect me to–’
‘Goodbye, Sarah.’ Daniel stood up. ‘Call me when you’re ready to take this seriously.’
‘Daniel, no!’ She grabbed his arm and tugged on it. ‘I’ll stop, I promise. I’m sorry.’
He sat down, brushing her hand off his arm. ‘Anyone else I should know about?’
She shook her head.
‘Good girl. Now, I want to know about your family.’
Sarah squeezed her hands together. ‘My mum is an economics professor. My dad is an actuary working approximately five hundred hours a week for an insurance company, calculating the statistical probability of not paying out a single claim and still avoiding legal action. Kelly is three years older than me. Last I heard she was doing Law at UNSW.’
Sarah lit a cigarette and Daniel slid across to the far end of the bench. It made her want to kick him when he did things like that. Although, she wanted to kick him anyway just to be touching him.
‘I met your mother at parent-teacher night. She was gorgeous, like you, but so brusque, so–’
‘Evil?’
Daniel laughed. ‘I remember thinking something like that. I was raving about how wonderful you were and–’
‘Were we screwing then?’
‘No, we weren’t screwing.’ Daniel scrunched his face up to show his distaste. He had a filthy mouth but couldn’t abide what he called tacky words. Screwing, prick, tits and snatch were off limits. Fucking her cunt with his cock was somehow much classier. ‘I was infatuated with you though. I think I came on a bit strong, telling your mum how fantastic you were.’
‘You told her I was fantastic?’ Sarah ground her cigarette out with her foot and slid across to be close to him again.
‘Yes, but she talked about you as though you were somebody else’s kid. She lectured me on learning styles and intellectual development and on the fact that you had a sharp mind but you were wasting it on reading romantic rubbish.’
‘That’s my mum.’
Daniel turned his upper body so he was looking Sarah straight in the face. ‘I suggested to your mother that it was quite normal for a girl your age to be reading romantic fiction, and she told me that if it was up to her, you would not be wasting your time in a class like mine. If it were up to her you would not be studying wishywashy concepts like deconstruction and ethnocentrism, nor would you be going on about expression and interpretation. According to her, I should’ve been teaching you clear, concise composition skills and that was that.’
His voice was glorious, but she wanted him to stop. She wanted him to kiss her and touch her and tell her with his body that she was much, much better than anyone he knew.
‘When she left, all I could think about was how vulnerable you were. That a girl as awake to the world as you were, with such a dead hearted mother, would be open to anyone who showed her the slightest bit of affection.’
Sarah’s throat closed. She tried to tell him to shut up, but the words were caught in her chest. She coughed to clear her throat, and held up her hand to tell him to be quiet.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Fine. Can you shut up for a minute, please?’
‘Okay.’ After a while, he said, ‘I just wanted you to know that I understand about your mum. I understand that you must hate her for her coldness. But also, you could look at it the way I do. If she hadn’t been so distant and unloving, maybe you wouldn’t have been such an easy fuck.’
Something broke in her and tears poure
d out. Daniel squatted in front of her, face creased with concern. ‘I made you cry. I’m sorry.’ He handed her a navy handkerchief. ‘I had no idea you’d get so upset.’
‘Bullshit, Daniel. You’re deliberately fucking with my mind. The other night you told me that you couldn’t help yourself, that you tried to resist me and couldn’t. Now you’re telling me that you intentionally took advantage of me. I don’t know what to think.’
He was silent for a few minutes, rocking back on his heels and watching Sarah try to regain her calm. When her breathing slowed to normal, he spoke again, looking right into her eyes. ‘I fantasised, tried to resist, decided to have at you then changed my mind, then met your mother and changed it back again, then prayed and decided to leave you alone. I went back and forth, and yes, in the end I took advantage of your vulnerability. But if it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else, and he more than likely would not have felt anything except opportunistic. I loved you and I still do. I’m just pointing out that having the parents you had made it easier for you to accept me into your life.’
Sarah looked through him and saw his manipulative black heart. The heart that loved her and that she loved back. She lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke directly into his eyes. He flinched, but did not move away.
‘Is that why you left home, Sarah? Because your parents were too strict? Because they were cold towards you?’
‘No. Strict I could’ve lived with. At least until I’d finished school.’
‘So what happened?’
‘I’ll tell you,’ she said, ‘but don’t get too excited, I’m not going to cry again.’
‘You think I like it when you cry?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, maybe a bit,’ he said, without a hint of shame. ‘But mostly, I want to know what was so terrible that it’s stopped you seeing your family for six years.’
‘I got raped. My parents didn’t approve.’ Sarah shrugged, as though her body could convince her brain that there was nothing to get upset about
‘Oh, Christ. Darling, I…’ Daniel put his hands on her knees, and then, before her brain had registered the pleasure of his touch, he removed them. ‘Tell me what happened.’
Sarah ran her tongue along her teeth, like sharpening the blade of a knife. Amazing how satisfying it was to be able to hurt him back. She licked her lips, tasting blood that was not there, but had been and would be again. ‘That’s the whole story,’ she said, ‘You can make up the details yourself if you need something to jerk off to.’
‘That’s harsh, Sarah. Even for you.’ He stood up and walked to the edge of the river, his hands deep in his pockets. Sarah was instantly remorseful. He couldn’t help hurting her; he wanted to know her so much that he couldn’t hold back, couldn’t be polite and dishonest with her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Sarah called out. ‘Please come back and sit with me. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.’
Daniel walked back slowly and sat beside her. ‘How can we be together if you won’t tell me your secrets?’
‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ll tell you.’
‘Everything, okay?’
‘Yes.’ Sarah looked around and was disappointed that the park was deserted. Sometimes the absence of others made you feel more suffocated than anything else. A public park on a sunny Saturday should be filled with kids and mums and dogs and frisbees. It shouldn’t be funeral home quiet, it shouldn’t make you feel as though you could scream and scream and nobody but the ducks would hear.
She took a deep breath. ‘I was sixteen. There was a party at Jamie’s house –’
‘Jamie who you’re sleeping with now? You knew him back then?’
‘Yeah, you did too. Jamie Wilkes. He was in our class. It was actually his brother Brett’s party, which was why I wanted to go.’
‘You liked Brett?’
‘Oh, yeah, Brett’s great. I slept with him a couple of times, but mostly we were just really good buddies. The reason I wanted to go to the party was because all his uni mates would be there, so it would be like, a smorgasbord of older men.’
Daniel’s face scrunched. ‘Were you sleeping with Jamie and his brother at the same time?’
‘No! Stop interrupting.’
Daniel nodded and Sarah continued. ‘So anyway, all these men are throwing themselves at me, they’re handing me drinks and smokes and joints, they’re asking me to dance and trying all these lines. I was taking my time, just hanging with Jamie while I decided who to go for, and then Jamie starts cracking on to me. Like, pressing against me and telling me how good I looked and stuff. It was weird at first because he was sweet and everything but he was just little Jamie. Then it stopped being weird and started being exciting, because I had been in his bedroom about a thousand times and the idea of having sex in there was so deviant and dirty. I started fantasising about watching him come all over his Spiderman sheets and of screwing him on the floor, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling.
‘So I went for it. And it was nothing like I’d thought. It wasn’t at all weird; it was amazing. I mean, he was practically a virgin and so it was just a fast, straightforward hump, but it was Jamie. My best friend, you know? And the way he looked at me… God, no one has ever looked at me like that. With such adoration.’
‘Hang on,’ Daniel interrupted, ‘I look at you like that. I adore you.’
Sarah felt all choked up inside. ‘Can you just let me tell it?’
He was frowning, the lines across his forehead heavier than usual. ‘Fine. We’ll get back to that later though. I promise you.’
Sarah nodded, knowing that there was so much in this story that he would want to get back to later. She would die before she had ever managed to satisfy Daniel.
‘Jamie went to get us some beer and smokes. He’d only be gone a minute when the door opened. I was facing away from the door, fixing up my hair and I said “Oh that was fast” or something and this voice, not Jamie, goes “Hear that mate, she’s waiting for us.” I turned around and there’s these two blokes standing in the doorway. I told them that Jamie had just gone down for beer and I thought they’d get the hint and piss off, but they shut the door and turned off the light and…’ Sarah closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. She was fine. Fine, fine, fine. She was absolutely fucking fine.
‘Sarah? Are you okay?’
She opened her eyes and smiled. ‘Fine. So I’m now in the dark, with these two blokes who I vaguely recognise from the party. One of them was really big, steroid big. The other one was just footy player big and okay looking. Under different circumstances I would’ve done him for sure. But I was worried that if Jamie came back and they were in the room, he would think I had invited them and would be upset. Jamie’s insecure about things like that.
‘I told them they had to leave. They laughed, and Steroid guy said something about how he felt bad that him and his mate were the only ones out of their crowd that I hadn’t fucked. I told him that there was a very good reason for that, and that he was an ugly rude pig and he better stay away from me. He pushed me on to the bed, and I was so surprised that for a second I did nothing. Then I started lashing out, with my fists and feet and I kept telling him to fuck off. He called his mate over and then my arms were pinned over my head, and my legs were being pushed apart. I started to feel a little scared. I kept screaming at them to fuck off and hoping that Jamie would come back before they did anything.’
Sarah stopped and looked at Daniel. His forehead was glistening, and his cheeks were bright pink. He nodded at her to go on.
‘Anyway,’ she shrugged, ‘Jamie didn’t get back until after they’d done it. And when he did, he had to fight them, and so Jamie and me both ended up hurt and the next morning–’
‘You promised to tell me everything.’
‘Was that not clear? Two men raped me and beat Jamie up.’
‘That’s telling me the result. I want to know what happened.’
Sarah couldn’t look at hi
m. ‘I need a smoke.’
‘Go ahead,’ he said, and Sarah couldn’t help looking up, because his voice was devoid of the annoyance he always had when she wanted to smoke.
‘Right.’ Sarah lit up. ‘So the bigger guy, Barry, pushed my skirt up and ripped off my underpants. Like, really ripped them off so they were wrecked. Then he… he pushed into me, really hard and it hurt so much that I yelled and then that was bad, because the guy who had my arms punched me in the mouth, which hurt even more than what Barry was doing. I kept yelling even though my mouth was filling up with blood. And then, the bloke who’d hit me put… put it in my mouth and I–’
‘Put what in your mouth?’
‘You know what! His thing.’
‘Thing, Sarah? Are we in primary school?’
‘Fucking hell! Fine!’ She could hardly breathe. ‘He put his penis in my mouth. He put it in and I bit down, really hard. He punched me again and I thought I might choke to death on my blood and teeth, but I didn’t care, I was so happy that I had hurt him.
‘Barry had finished and I thought, that’s it, the worst is over and I am still alive. And then the one I bit told Barry that he wanted to have a proper go at me. I screamed out again, I think I screamed for Jamie but my mouth was all smashed up so I don’t know what it sounded like, and then I was being rolled over and there was a hand at the back of my head, pushing my face into the mattress and I knew what they were going to do to me. I stopped trying to breathe and just hoped that I would pass out and not have to feel anything.
‘Of course, it’s no fun for them if I’m unconscious, so they pulled my hair and punched me some more and poured beer over my head. I was raped again, anally this time, and it was much worse than the other way. Like being ripped open. Despite their best efforts, I did black out a couple of times. I thought I was dying. I hallucinated, I thought my mother was standing over the bed and I called to her, and then I looked again and it was Jamie, except he wasn’t just standing there, he was yelling and then I heard glass breaking, and I realised that it wasn’t a hallucination and that Jamie had just smashed a bottle over Barry’s head.’