Mrs Lintott I’ll tell you why there are no women historians on TV, it’s because they don’t get carried away for a start, and they don’t come bouncing up to you with every new historical notion they’ve come up with … the bow-wow school of history.
History’s not such a frolic for women as it is for men. Why should it be? They never get round the conference table. In 1919, for instance, they just arranged the flowers then gracefully retired.
History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men.
What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket.
And I’m not asking you to espouse this point of view but the occasional nod in its direction can do you no harm.
There is a silence.
Mrs Lintott You should note, boys, that your masters find this undisguised expression of feeling distasteful, as, I see, do some of you.
Irwin Rudge?
Rudge is interviewed.
Mrs Lintott Now. How do you define history, Mr Rudge?
Rudge Can I speak freely, miss? Without being hit.
Mrs Lintott I will protect you.
Rudge How do I define history?
It’s just one fucking thing after another.
Hector makes a moves to hit him but is forestalled.
Mrs Lintott I see. And why do you want to come to Christ Church?
Rudge It’s the one I thought I might get into.
Irwin No other reason?
Rudge shakes his head.
Mrs Lintott Do you like the architecture, for instance?
Rudge They’ll ask me about sport, won’t they?
Mrs Lintott If you’re as uncommunicative as this they may be forced to.
Hector The point is, Rudge, that even if they want to take you on the basis of your prowess on the field you have to help them to pretend at least that there are other considerations.
Rudge thinks.
Rudge I’m keen on a film.
Irwin What film?
Rudge Well, lots of films, only Miss said to say film not films.
Mrs Lintott No, Rudge. What I said was that it sounds better to say ‘I’m keen on film’ rather than ‘I like films’.
Irwin Like what?
Rudge thinks.
Lockwood Say, This Sporting Life.
Rudge shakes his head.
It’s about rugger.
Rudge I’d like to see that. Is it recent?
Look, I’m shit at all this. Sorry.
If they like me and they want to take me they’ll take me because I’m dull and ordinary. I’m no good in interviews but I’ve got enough chat to take me round the golf course and maybe there’ll be someone on the board who wants to go round the golf course.
You think that’s a joke, but golf makes the same sense to me as architecture or films do to you. You may not rate it but it’s an accomplishment. I may not know much about Jean-Paul Sartre, but I’ve got a handicap of four.
Mrs Lintott Where have you heard about Sartre?
Rudge He was a good golfer.
Hector Really. I never knew that. Interesting.
Bell goes.
Irwin Remember also, our puny efforts notwithstanding, you will be up against boys and girls who will have been taught better than you.
Hector Taught differently, anyway.
Hector and Mrs Lintott go.
Lockwood How did you know Sartre was a golfer?
Rudge I don’t know that he was. How could I? I don’t even know who the fuck he is. Well, they keep telling us you have to lie.
Crowther I’ve a feeling Kafka was good at table tennis.
Akthar Yes?
Crowther I’ll be glad when we can be shot of all this shit.
Dakin is left with Irwin.
Dakin Sir, I never gave you my essay.
Irwin That’s good.
Dakin What degree did you get, sir?
You’ve never said.
Irwin A second.
Dakin Boring. Didn’t the old magic work?
Irwin I hadn’t perfected the technique.
Dakin What college were you at?
Irwin Corpus.
Dakin That’s not one anybody is going in for.
Irwin No.
Dakin You happy?
Irwin There? Yes. Yes, I was, quite.
This is quite a pausy conversation, with Dakin more master than pupil.
Dakin Do you think we’ll be happy … say we get in?
Irwin You’ll be happy anyway.
Dakin I’m not sure I like that. Why?
Irwin shrugs.
Uncomplicated, is that what you mean?
Outgoing?
Straight?
Irwin None of them bad things to be.
Dakin Depends. Nice to be a bit more complicated.
Irwin Or to be thought so.
How’s Posner?
Dakin Why?
Irwin He likes you, doesn’t he?
Dakin It’s his age.
He’s growing up.
Irwin Hard for him.
Dakin Boring for me.
You’re not suggesting I do something about it. It happens.
I wouldn’t anyway.
Too young.
Irwin says nothing.
You still look quite young.
Irwin That’s because I am, I suppose.
There is an interminable pause.
Dakin How do you think history happens?
Irwin What?
Dakin How does stuff happen, do you think?
People decide to do stuff.
Make moves. Alter things.
Irwin I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
Dakin No? (He smiles.) Think about it.
Irwin Some do … make moves, I suppose.
Others react to events.
In 1939 Hitler made a move on Poland.
Poland …
Dakin … gave in.
Irwin (simultaneously) … defended itself.
Irwin Is that what you mean?
Dakin (unperturbed) No.
Not Poland anyway.
Was Poland taken by surprise?
Irwin To some extent.
Though they knew something was up.
What was your essay about?
Dakin Turning points.
Irwin Oh yes. Moments when history rattles over the points.
Shall I tell you what you’ve written?
Dunkirk?
Dakin Yes.
Irwin Hitler turning on Russia?
Dakin Yes.
Irwin Alamein?
Dakin Yes.
Irwin More? Oh, that’s good.
Dakin Two actually.
The first one: when Chamberlain resigned as Prime Minister in 1940 Churchill wasn’t the first thought; Halifax more generally acceptable.
But on the afternoon when the decision was taken Halifax chose to go to the dentist. If Halifax had had better teeth we might have lost the war.
Irwin Very good. Terrific.
And the other one?
Dakin Well, it is Alamein, but not the battle. Montgomery took over the Eighth Army before Alamein but he wasn’t the first choice. Churchill had appointed General Gott. Gott was flying home to London in an unescorted plane when, purely by chance, a lost German fighter spotted his plane and shot him down. So it was Montgomery who took over, seeing this afterwards, of course, as the hand of God.
Irwin That’s brilliant. First class.
Dakin It’s a good game.
Irwin It’s more than a game. Thinking about what might have happened alerts you to the consequences of what did.
Dakin It’s subjunctive history.
Irwin Come again.
Dakin The subjunctive is the mood you use when something might or might not have happened, when it’s imagined.
Hector is crazy about the subjunctive.
Why are you smiling?
Irwin Nothing. Good luck.
Boys and staff all c
ome on as the boys arrange the chairs for a photograph.
Posner All my life I’ve been one of those squatting at the front. I don’t care about Oxford and Cambridge. I’d just like to graduate to a chair.
Mrs Lintott moves up.
Mrs Lintott Posner, sit here. Rudge, you go down there.
She moves up and he sits on the front row.
Akthar Ready.
They are all ready for the picture when theHeadmaster turns up.
Headmaster A photograph? Always a good idea.
Dorothy, sit here. Then I can go here. Posner, you’ll be better on the floor.
Who’s taking the picture?
Akthar It’s delayed action.
Headmaster No, no. Too much hit-and-miss.
Hector, why don’t you take it?
Mrs Lintott Then he won’t be in the picture.
Headmaster Hector doesn’t mind.
Mrs Lintott The boys might.
Headmaster It isn’t for the boys. It’s for the school. Rudge, floor, Akthar.
Now, boys. Look like Oxbridge material.
No negative thoughts. Threshold of great things.
Hector ‘Magnificently unprepared
For the long littleness of life.’
The boys do a farewell song and dance of Gracie Fields’ ‘Wish Me Luck as You Wave Me Goodbye’, then go off, leaving Irwin and Mrs Lintott waiting to see the Headmaster. Very flat and empty.
Irwin What’s he want us for?
Mrs Lintott No idea.
Irwin Pep talk?
Mrs Lintott Bit late for that, it’s probably about Hector.
Irwin I sort of know.
Mrs Lintott I imagine everyone sort of knows.
Irwin Does his wife?
Mrs Lintott He doesn’t think so, apparently, but I imagine she’s another one who’s sort of known all along. A husband on a low light, that’s what they want, these supposedly unsuspecting wives, the man’s lukewarm attentions just what they married them for.
He’s a fool. He was also unlucky.
For a start Mrs Headmaster didn’t normally do a stint at Age Concern on a Wednesday unless someone was off. And what if a customer had come in just as Hector had got to the lights and she’d been looking the other way? Or the lights had been green? This smallest of incidents, the junction of a dizzying range of alternatives any one of which could have had a different outcome. If I was a bold teacher … if I was you, even… I could spend a lesson dissecting what the Headmaster insists on calling ‘this unfortunate incident’ and it would teach the boys more about history and the utter randomness of things than … well, than I’ve ever managed to do so far.
Irwin I wonder how they’re going on.
Mrs Lintott Don’t you ever want to go back?
Irwin To Oxford? Not clever enough.
Not … anything enough really.
Pause.
I used to imagine myself doing research and coming up with something startling, a new way of looking at things. Like Namier, say.
And I would do it, then fling it in their faces.
Mrs Lintott Oxford? Why should they care? No. They’re like everybody else. Make money, that’s what they admire. Make lots of money then don’t give them any.
Headmaster comes out with Hector.
Headmaster Dorothy, a word?
They go back into the study.
Hector Trouble at t’ mill.
That’s the news he’s aching to impart.
My … marching orders.
Irwin I sort of knew.
Hector Ah.
Irwin Dakin told me.
Hector Did he tell you why?
Irwin nods.
I’ve got this idea of buying a van, filling it with books and taking it round country markets … Shropshire, Herefordshire. ‘The open road, the dusty highway. Travel, change, interest, excitement. Poop, poop.’
Pause.
I didn’t want to turn out boys who in later life had a deep love of literature, or who would talk in middle age of the lure of language and their love of words. Words said in that reverential way that is somehow Welsh. That’s what the tosh is for. Brief Encounter, Gracie Fields, it’s an antidote. Sheer calculated silliness.
Irwin Has a boy ever made you unhappy?
Hector They used to do.
See it as an inoculation, rather. Briefly painful but providing immunity for however long it takes. With the occasional booster … another face, a reminder of the pain … it can last you half a lifetime.
Irwin Love.
Hector Who could love me? I talk too much.
Irwin It took me by surprise.
Hector Don’t do it.
Irwin I wouldn’t dare.
Hector No. Don’t teach.
Irwin I wasn’t intending to.
Hector Who intends to?
Six months, a year. Till something more exciting turns up. It’s always the same. I used to think I could warm myself on the vitality of the boys I taught, but that doesn’t work.
It ought to renew … the young mind; warm, eager, trusting; instead comes … a kind of coarsening. You start to clown. Plus a fatigue that passes for philosophy but is nearer to indifference.
Now boys come and go but I am no more moved by this than by the arrival and departure of trains.
Boys have become work.
Irwin Do they know?
Hector They know everything.
Don’t touch him. He’ll think you’re a fool.
That’s what they think about me.
I’m lucky, I suppose. Dodging the ignominy.
Still, I’d have liked to have served my time.
Mrs Lintott comes out of the study.
I gather you knew, too.
Mrs Lintott smiles.
And the boys knew.
Mrs Lintott Well, of course the boys knew. They had it at first hand.
Hector I didn’t actually do anything. It was a laying-on of hands, I don’t deny that, but more in benediction than gratification or anything else.
Mrs Lintott Hector, darling, love you as I do, that is the most colossal balls.
Hector Is it?
Mrs Lintott A grope is a grope. It is not the Annunciation.
You … twerp.
Anyway what Felix wanted to tell me is that when I finish next year he’s hoping he can persuade you to step into my shoes.
The Headmaster comes out.
Headmaster Irwin –
Mrs Lintott For your information they’re a size seven court shoe, broad fitting.
Irwin goes into the study.
Scripps I attended Eucharist in the college chapel where, apart from a girl from a school in West Bromwich, I was the only communicant. It was a genuine act of worship, though I knew it would do me no harm with the college, the self-servingness of my devotions in this instance leaving me untroubled. I really wanted to get in. I have never particularly liked myself but the boy I was, kneeling in that cold and empty chapel that winter morning, fills me now with longing and pity.
Dakin The guy whose room I had seemed a bit of a pillock. There was a Lord of the Rings poster for a start and an Arsenal scarf draped round a photograph of Virginia Woolf, only I think maybe this was irony. No books much, except he had a book with lists of everybody who’d been at other colleges, so I looked at that for a bit. Oh, and I went and looked at Corpus where Irwin was.
No sex.
Posner I sat in the room most of the time or trailed around the streets. I can see why they make a fuss about it. Every college is like a stately home; my parents would love it. There was a question on the Holocaust. And I did play it down.
They asked me about it at the interview. Praised what they called my sense of detachment.
Said it was the foundation of writing history.
I think I did well.
The boys erupt onto the stage.
Headmaster Splendid news! Posner a scholarship, Dakin an exhibition and places for everyone else. It’s more than o
ne could ever have hoped for. Irwin, you are to be congratulated, a remarkable achievement. And you too, Dorothy, of course, who laid the foundations.
Mrs Lintott Not Rudge, Headmaster.
Headmaster Not Rudge? Oh dear.
Irwin He has said nothing. The others have all had letters.
Headmaster It was always an outside chance. I felt we were indulging him by allowing him to enter at all. That college must think we’re fools. A pity. It would have been good to have a clean sweep.
Ah, Rudge.
You … you haven’t heard from Oxford?
Rudge No, sir.
Mrs Lintott Perhaps you’ll hear tomorrow.
Rudge Why should I? They told me when I was there.
Irwin I’m sorry.
Rudge What for? I got in.
Irwin How come?
Rudge How come they told me or how come they took a thick sod like me?
I had family connections.
Headmaster Somebody in your family went to Christ Church?
Rudge In a manner of speaking.
My dad. Before he got married he was a college servant there. This old parson guy was just sitting there for most of the interview, suddenly said was I related to Bill Rudge who’d been a scout on Staircase 7 in the 1950s. So I said he was my dad and they said I was just the kind of candidate they were looking for, college servant’s son, now an undergraduate, evidence of how far they had come, wheel come full circle and that.
Mind you, I did all the other stuff like Stalin was a sweetie and Wilfred Owen was a wuss. They said I was plainly someone who thought for himself and just what the college rugger team needed.
Dakin In the room I stayed in there was a handbook to the colleges, list of previous undergraduates and that.
I looked you up only you weren’t there.
Irwin I’m surprised you were interested.
Dakin I was kind of lonely. I thought it would be nice to see your name.
Irwin You maybe looked at the wrong list.
Dakin Corpus?
Irwin No, I said I was at Jesus.
Dakin You said you were at Corpus.
Irwin No.
Dakin You did.
Irwin Corpus, Jesus. What does it matter?
Dakin Because I went round to look at the fucking college, that’s why it matters.
Because I imagined you there.
Pause.
Irwin I never got in.
I was at Bristol.
I did go to Oxford, but it was just to do a teaching diploma.
Does that make a difference?