I nod. “Yeah, I figured that out.” There’s something peaceful about sitting here amid an ocean of graves. And Bob. For once, nobody is telling me how I should feel, and that feels pretty good.
“Grief isn’t like anything else. It has its own time table, and the pain can be years old and still hurt like the death just happened. Sometimes, if you think too hard, it all comes back.”
Goosebumps blotch my skin as I realize this man understands what I’m going through. “You’re the first person who hasn’t tried to ‘therapy’ Lev away.”
“You can’t ‘therapy’ away pain, Lizzie.”
For a long while, we just sit there, letting the air stir the wisps of pollen floating through the air and rub the leaves together as sunlight streams down upon us. There are no words for what is happening, and I sit there for a good hour before I figure I should get home just in case Jimmie is planning to make an appearance.
“I should probably get home. Do you come here every day?” I ask, reluctantly rising from the bench.
“Not every day, but most.” He smiles up at me. “It’s the only place I know she’ll be.” He looks at Bess’s stone. “And without her, I just don’t know what to do with myself.”
Again, something I can relate to. It doesn’t matter how I fill the hours. Without Lev, it’s all the same, and I feel so incomplete.
“Maybe I’ll see you soon,” I say.
“Maybe so. But if not, thank you for humoring an old man.” He smiles, and once more, I try to imagine his eyes as young and full of fire. I’d like to hope when I reach his age I’ve made some kind of peace with myself and life. Right now, all I see is chaos.
As I walk back to my car, I glance back at him, watching the way he leans toward her grave, as though he’s listening to her speak. He’s crossed one leg over the other and now rests his hands in his lap. Part of me wonders how long he has already been there and how long he’ll stay, but I guess it doesn’t matter in the end. He came here encumbered with grief, and he’ll leave the same.
Without looking at the pictures, I slide the camera back into my purse and start the engine. Glancing at my watch, I realize I have about fifteen minutes to get home before Jimmie does, so I’d better hurry or I’m going to have some explaining to do. It’s quite possible Griffin might tell, and I’ll still have explaining to do, but at least this way I’m trying to cover my bases. Maybe Jimmie is right about talking to someone, just not him or Griffin or Emily. I don’t need therapy. I’m not broken. Just my heart.
I try to open the door as quietly as possible, hoping to just sneak inside, but Griffin is sitting in the living room as I walk past, and I can feel him staring, so I stop, knowing he’ll follow if I don’t, and I’d really rather discuss this here than in my bedroom, My last sanctuary from all this crap.
“Where’d you go?” he asks, muting the television.
“Just to take some pictures.” I pull my camera out of my bag and offer it to him. “Do you want to check?”
Griffin shakes his head. “Lizzie, I’m not your keeper, no matter how much it seems like I am.”
“Oh, that’s right. If you were, you’d have put out an APB on me, right?” I shove the camera back into my purse.
“Jimmie’s going to be late again,” Griffin calls, stilling me. “Any idea where he’s hanging out these days?”
“Probably Knoxville, visiting a certain nurse he thought mighty highly of.” My voice is terse, and I quickly realize all that relaxing energy I felt flowing through me at the cemetery is gone--just like that. I want it back.
I trudge to my room and shut my door, hoping for enough silence to restore the way I felt at the cemetery. I don’t want to talk about Jimmie because I don’t understand, either. It makes no sense that he’s pretty much just left me to my own devices. The Jimmie from six months ago never would have been this easily distracted. Then again, I am a senior, and pretty soon I won’t be living with Jimmie anymore. Maybe he’s just getting an early start on getting his life back.
Chapter Ten
Although I get to school twenty minutes early, I’m not prepared for Kane to be leaning with his back to my locker. I’m not really sure how long he’s been there. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and jeans with that same shell necklace. His dark hair hangs down, half in his eyes as usual. His arms are folded across each other.
“Finally decide to get out of bed and get an education?”
I arch one eyebrow. “I’m a rebel, and I’ll never be any good.” I prod his side to get him to scoot so I can open my locker.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Pulling himself from against the locker, he leans over me as I grab my notebook and lit text from the shelf. “So, who’s the guy who gave you a lift?” His voice is casual. His stance isn’t. Again with the hovering.
“Griffin is a friend,” I say. “Came for a visit from Hauser’s Landing.”
“Staying long?”
I close the locker. “’Fraid so.” I start to walk to class.
“I guess Jayzee’ll like that.” My steps slow, and I try to ask myself why it matters. I don’t have feelings for Griffin. He and I have never connected in that way. But there is something that bothers me about the almost instantaneous bonding between the two. I just wish I could figure out what it is.
“So what’s the story with Jayzee?” I look up and down the hall, checking to make sure she’s not in earshot.
“Well, she’s kind of different.” He shrugs.
“Like?” I concentrate on his dark eyes, trying to read the expression, but I can’t. Usually I’m good at that sort of thing, but lately, I suck at pretty much everything.
“She’s an emancipated minor, for one thing. Said she and her parents never saw eye-to-eye and didn’t figure it much mattered if she were living with them or not. So she chose not.”
I think back to the nice outfit Jayzee wore on the first day of school, and suddenly I’m confused. “So how does she pay for where she lives and stuff? Does she have a job?”
“Not that I can tell. Maybe she’s got a rich relative none of us knows about.” We slowly begin walking down the hall which begins to fill with other bodies. Most of them cluster at lockers, talking. A few zip between clusters, probably spreading gossip. “Besides, Jayzee doesn’t like questions. They make her mad. If she wants you to know something, she’ll tell you, trust me. It’ll usually be with volume because she’s always got a strong opinion about everything.”
“Is she dating?” I figure I might as well ask Kane because Griffin, no doubt, is going to ask me.
“Right now, no. Although after you left, she did express quite an interest in Griffin.” He shakes his head. “Don’t even ask me to go into details. There are places guys just don’t go. Ever.”
I start laughing at his horror-struck expression. “Coward.”
“Yeah, right.” A cluster of girls in front of us blocks all but a narrow path, and Kane grabs my hand and starts through, leading me as we go. Although the girls are giggling at such close proximity to Kane, they do part enough to let him through, but it’s obvious they’d rather him stay in their midst and I go fly a kite. Unlike Lev, who seemed to stay on the fringes of things, Kane always attracts attention, usually of the female persuasion.
“So what about your friend? How long have you known him?” Kane asks, once we’ve sifted through the crowd and can walk side by side again.
“Less than a year.” Of course, if I told Kane what transpired in that year, he’d probably understand why Griffin was such a good friend, but I’d rather not go there, thank you very much.
“So there’s nothing…between you two?” He levels a narrowed gaze at me, forcing a nervous laugh.
“No. Not in the least.” I shake my head. “He’s like my older brother.”
At his locker we stop, and he grabs the book he needs. “So why did he come up here instead of going to college?”
“He’s not really the college sort,” I finally say, remembering my convers
ation with Griffin about his father. “Doesn’t see much point in it. And he’s here because there was a…situation…where Jimmie thought I needed looking after.”
He shakes his head. “Wait. Let me get this straight. Jayzee and Sarah go looking for trouble and can’t find it, but you manage to make it happen in the few weeks you’ve been in this dead little town? Really? I’ve got to hear the story behind this one.”
I take a step away from him, shaking my head. “No, I’m really not comfortable talking about it. Maybe some other time.”
Just ahead, I see Mrs. Gillman, the counselor, stapling scholarship information to the bulletin board—yet another aspect of my life I haven’t quite decided on. Maybe I’ll be like Griffin and not go to college because I’m not sure I’d know what to major in. There’s nothing much I’d really care to learn that much about, except angels, and we all know how that turned out in the end.
It seems like Kane is reading my thoughts as he nods toward the flyer. “You thought about post-high school?”
I drop my pen, and he stoops to get it. I shake my head. “Are you a spy for Mrs. Gillman?”
“Of course. Did you really think I was a senior who wanted to ask you out or something?” When he hands me the pen, our fingers touch, and a heat courses through me. I’m not expecting it and I jump.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, just cold chills,” I say, smiling weakly. For a moment, I’m angry. I don’t want to meet someone to make me forget about Lev. I want to find him, but something tells me that just isn’t in the cards, no matter what I do.
“So, what do you think?” he asks, scrutinizing my face.
“I’m not much for college.” We stop just outside a classroom, and I lean against the locker. Kane faces me, and I realize my head doesn’t even touch the bottom of his chin. Is he taller than Lev was?
“Not about college, Lizzie.” His voice rumbles through me, and I find myself lost and breathless in his dark eyes. As he’s looking at me, a couple of guys brush past, their shoulders harshly nudging Kane’s back, thrusting him toward me until our faces are inches apart. His hands shoot out and land on the lockers on either side of me, and I feel his body brush against mine.
For a couple of seconds, we just stand there like that, both of us breathing fast and shallow. My lips part, and I’m mesmerized by his dark eyes. Then an image of Lev dances into my head just as he bends low to kiss my mouth, his lips instead landing on my cheek. Stunned by my sudden movement, he ducks his head, and I squeak from beneath his arms and scurry down the hall, feeling lightheaded.
“Lizzie?” He strides after me, and with his long legs, it doesn’t take much until he catches up, his fingers wrapping around my forearm, gently stalling me. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I paste a crooked smile on my face. “It’s all right. Really.”
“Those jocks just sort of pushed me, and you were looking at me. Next thing I know, I lost my head.” He’s blushing as he rambles the thoughts off, his expression clearly dazed, as though he’s not really sure what just happened, either. Then again, I don’t think he’s got the same sort of baggage I do, which means, this kiss didn’t sucker-punch him like it did me.
“It’s all right,” I say again, heading toward the classroom, hoping to slip inside where there are people so that maybe he’ll forget he was trying to ask me out in the first place. It’s not that I have anything against Kane. I’m just not sure I’m ready to date anyone.
Although he doesn’t say anything, I feel the words weighing between us all the same. It’s not about what is spoken; I learned that one from Lev. He follows me into the room, and we find Jayzee and Sarah have already taken their seats in the back. Both are laughing and glancing at us as we walk in, telling me they probably heard about the kiss. At lot of the kids in the class are looking at Kane and me. Nothing like living in a small town to fully appreciate the finer points of humiliation.
As I flip open my notebook, all three of them gaze at me expectantly, but I’m not saying much. I don’t know what to say anymore. It all comes back to Lev, and sometimes I wish I’d been the one to take that bullet, not him. I never knew surviving could feel like this.
“So,” Jayzee says, “Sarah is going to hang out on Friday night at my place. I thought it might be cool if you could come.” She taps her long nails against the desk with one hand. Her elbow rests against the desk, and she sets her chin on it, looking bored. Somehow, considering Jayzee is an emancipated minor, I don’t think school holds much interest for her.
“Maybe I was going to hang out with her,” Kane argues, his words exaggerated so he sounds more like a child than a teenager. “I bet you didn’t think of that, did you?”
“You and Colin always play basketball on Friday nights. Don’t even start,” Sarah says, waving to dismiss him.
“So, Lizzie, what do you think?” As Jayzee stares at me, I realize how mischievous her eyes appear, like she’s always planning something devious.
“Well, I need to check with Jimmie, since technically I’m supposed to be grounded.” I focus on my binder, cringing inside at the questions I know will be coming.
“What’d you get grounded for?” Kane asks, leaning toward us. His long legs splay into the aisle, forcing other students to go the long way around. I have to say that even though he’s cute, he’s not gaining any popularity votes for that.
“The same thing that got me therapy at the center,” I mutter, knowing that sooner or later all this stuff will come out whether I want it to or not. Somebody is going to know somebody who heard this or that. It always works that way.
In my peripheral vision, I see all three exchanging glances—you know, the what-do-we-do-now look people get when they’ve put their foot in their mouths and realized they don’t much care for the main course. Sensing their trepidation, I figure I’ll answer as the first bell rings and more students start to filter in.
“I was almost shot in the middle of a gang drive-by in Knoxville.”
Sarah does a double-take. “You’re grounded for that?”
“And what good is therapy when you aren’t the wacko with the gun?” Jayzee adds, wearing an indignant frown.
I look at Sarah. “I didn’t exactly explain where I was going.” Then I turn to Jayzee. “And they thought I walked into the drive-by intentionally as a way to off myself.” Then I turn back to my notebook to take notes, quickly noticing how that shuts up all of my new friends. Can’t blame them. I’m not sure I’d know what to say in that case, either.
For the rest of the day, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around the three of them. So I guess they’ll just have to assume I’m crazy or something. The thing is, what I’ve said really doesn’t seem to affect Kane’s desire to be around me, and while he tries to keep things light, I can’t just let things go; they’re buried too deeply.
Still, by the end of the day, I’m kind of glad to crawl into my Jeep and leave school behind. I’ve always been kind of a loner, and right about now I’m feeling just a little claustrophobic around all these people. It may be a small town, but I can’t breathe with it closing in around me. I sit in the lot until most of the cars clear out, and then I start the engine to drive away.
As I head down the road, I try to relax the muscles in my neck, but it is so stiff, probably from carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m halfway to the house when I hear a familiar tell-tale thumping noise. Gritting my teeth, I look at the curve just ahead, and I slow and round it before tapping the turn signal and gradually pull off to the side of the road to check the tires.
The two back tires are fine, but the passenger front tire is shot. I shake my head, dreading changing the tire. As I go to the back of the Jeep to grab the jack, I gaze toward the forest, and it is then I see someone standing there. The August light shimmers in his blond hair, and even in the distance, I recognize his body because I’d know him anywhere.
“Lev?”
My keys fall to the as
phalt, and I turn my body toward him, awaiting his response. I’ve been waiting for so long. The world dwindles to the sound of my breath and collapses inward, slowing until everything is moving at half-speed. He turns and then walks away, heading deeper into the stand of trees before him.
“Lev!” I scream. Without realizing I’m moving, I start across the road, my gaze never wavering from where I last saw him. I can still see his golden hair glittering in the light, but he’s so close to disappearing. My steps hasten. Then the world becomes chaos.
I hear the blare of a horn and turn as a semi barrels my way, but I can’t seem to move. Forward, will take me to Lev but I won’t make it in time. Backward and I lose him. So I stand still, at least until I feel someone suddenly wrap his arms around me and drag me back to the shoulder. I start struggling immediately, flailing my arms and legs, just trying to break free.
“Lizzie! Calm down.” The arms release me as the truck thunders past, the turbulence of its passing billowing my hair out hastily. Once the truck has passed, I squint toward the other side of the road. No Lev. He’s gone again.
“What are you thinking, Lizzie?” In my peripheral vision, I realize Kane stands there, a confused frown tugging at his lips. But I don’t have time to explain. I blink and start across the road again, determined to search for Lev, at least until Kane grabs my arm, stopping me.
“Let go.” I snap, trying to jerk free. Although he’s holding me tightly, it’s not enough to hurt. That doesn’t mean I can get loose, either.
“Why? So you can walk in front of another truck? What is going on?” He scans the woods where I’ve been looking. “What is it you think you see?”
“A guy.”
He shakes his head. “No one’s there. I pulled up behind you as you were getting out, and there was no one there.”
“You’re wrong!” I finally break free and purposely look both ways before crossing the road. It doesn’t take much for me to know Kane is following me, but I don’t care, and while it’s difficult to slip between the lines of barbed wire crossing the posts, I manage.