I’m about to ask him what that “something” is when he suddenly reaches out, and the light explodes toward me. At first I try to scream, thinking it will hurt, but then all I feel is a warmth that spreads through me, dragging me toward that brilliance.
Chapter Nineteen
“Lizzie?”
I hear the voice. It’s far away and strange, kind of like the way you expect people in a funhouse to say your name. I can feel hands tugging at my body, trying to draw me away from the warmth and light that surround me. I don’t want to go.
Am I dead?
“Lizzie?” The voice is much more frantic. The shaking is harder, jarring me away from the light. I whirl, watching it diminish, and I want to cling to it. “Come on, Lizzie.”
Finally I feel my body the floor pressing my back. My hands lie flat against the linoleum. The breath coming and going in my body. I lick my lips, feeling a dryness in my mouth. I force myself to open my eyes. The world is blurry, so I’m not sure who is with me, only that it’s a guy. I try to sit up, but he sets his palm atop my sternum and gently presses me back down.
“Take it slowly.”
He’s probably right; my head starts spinning from the motion. In fact, my whole body feels off. I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but I feel nauseated and sluggish. I can’t remember how I ended up on the floor like this. It’s all so hazy.
“What happened?” The voice. I’m trying to place it, but everything is so confusing.
“I…I don’t remember.” A hand touches my forehead and I flinch, trying to back away. There’s something definitely wrong with this picture. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s all there, waiting for me to remember.
Gritting my teeth, I blink until the face comes into focus—Kane’s. His skin is pale, and his hair looks almost black in contrast. A white gauze bandage covers the area just above his left temple, probably from where Lev punched him.
Lev.
Now I can finally see, I slowly sit up, trying to act as confident in my motions as possible so Kane will keep his distance. I can’t begin to explain why him touching me suddenly feels so wrong, but it does. And sitting up reveals that for some reason my muscles are sore, which I really don’t understand.
“So where did you go after fighting with Lev?”
He shrugs. “I saw Theresa and knew the two of you weren’t hitting it off. The last thing you needed was for me to be in the middle of it.”
As I listen to his voice, teeming with compassion and kindness, a thought occurs to me. How does Kane know about Theresa? I’ve hardly mentioned her, so it doesn’t make sense. There’s something that isn’t adding up.
Suddenly the silence which has seemed to thicken around us is shattered by Kane’s ringtone, the chorus to “Wayward Son.” I jump, not expecting it. It’s so loud, even in his pocket. As he fumbles in pulling it out, the phone sings two more choruses. Then he flips it open.
“Hello?” He rubs his temples while the other person speaks. “Yeah. I’m with her now. Why?” Another pause. “What?” The color drains from his face. “I’ll be right there.” He snaps the phone shut. The way he’s clenching is jaw and wearing a tight-lipped frown heralds the tension threading throughout his body.
“What’s happening?”
“Lev has Jayzee. He’s taken her to the community center in Knoxville.”
Suddenly I understand his expression. “Why? Why would he do that?” I set my hands on the floor and start to rise. Kane quickly grabs my arm to help me up.
“Because he’s going to finish what he started, Lizzie. I’ll admit, there’s no love lost between the two. They’ve never really gotten along.”
“Jayzee’s an angel?” Somehow I knew that. I just didn’t put it together.
He nods. “Yeah, Lev was her mentor for the first hundred or so years, and he failed her miserably, just like Sarah.”
“She’s an angel, too?”
“Yeah.” He looks toward the door. “I’m going to the center now, but I’m not sure what I can do to stop him. I mean, we have a weapon, but I don’t think it’s going to do us much good.” He shoves the phone in his pocket and looks down at the ground.
“A weapon?” I feel panic rising inside, not at all sure of what to make of all this.
“Yeah,” he says, pulling out his keys. “It’s a dagger made to deal with rogue angels. Trouble is, in order for it to work, the person using it has to have an emotional connection to the angel. I don’t have that.”
I brush the hair from my face. “That’s not really bright. I mean, who could use it?”
“A righteous angel, Lizzie.” He looks at me, and I half-expect to get that stuffed-head feeling, but it doesn’t come. My thoughts are clear. “It’s not that I’m not righteous. It’s just that I’ve never really liked Lev. He failed both Jayzee and Sarah when they were learning to be sojourners. Because he was unaffected by mortals, he believed all angels were. He didn’t teach either of them to shield their innermost center from the onslaught of human emotions that assail when the human death comes. Both of them almost went mad as a result. And Lev didn’t care.”
I shake my head. “So there’s no one else who could use it to stop him?”
He nods and toys with his keys. “Yes, there is.”
“Who?”
“You.” He levels his gaze at me, and I stagger backwards.
“I…I…can’t.” Even thought his words send a shudder through me, my thoughts are already envisioning me trying, and my heart starts beating so fast I feel I can’t breathe. He’s staring at me, his eyes probing expectantly, and I start to feel that light-headed sensation again, complete with headache. What is going on?
“Lizzie, I don’t think you understand what this means. Lev and the angels who follow him aren’t just going to quit what they are doing. If you want to protect those you love, you need to act.”
I turn away, trying to organize my cart wheeling thoughts, and I can’t do that when he keeps looking at me with eyes that burn through me. “I don’t understand. I’m not an angel. How would I even have the power to use it?” I rub my temple, as if that will take care of the throbbing. Yeah, right. I start to wobble and have to brace myself. This is unthinkable, a choice I shouldn’t have to make.
“No, you aren’t an angel, but you do have a gift that other humans don’t—you can see at least some angels. You recognize us for what we are—or aren’t in this case. That makes you different. But even that won’t be what makes you the only person who can do this. It’s the fact that you have loved Lev, and some part of you loves him still. The question is, who do you love more, an angel who has betrayed you or Jimmie and those around you?”
“I need time.” The moment he says Jimmie’s name, I see his body lying motionless on the floor, and it cuts through me.
Kane grabs my arm and gently turns me. “Lizzie, there is no time. You’ve gotten yourself into a war among angels, and as with any war, there are casualties. You have to figure out what you want to do because Lev isn’t going to wait. I have to go to the center. Are you coming with me where I can help you fight him off, or are you going to stay here and try to stave him off without a weapon or any other angels around to help? It’s your choice. Just know that if you stay, I will do what I can to free Jayzee, and then we will be gone to find a different way to battle the others. You and your family will become the casualties, Lizzie—not because I want that but because I don’t have a choice.”
A shuddering breath escapes from my lips, and I try to speak, but no words will come. He’s telling me that even though I have a choice, I don’t. Either I battle Lev on his terms, or I find a way to deal with Lev on my own; without his help, Kane knows I won’t stand a chance.
Finally, I nod. “All right.” My lip quivers, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I never expected to have to raise a weapon against any living thing in my life. This isn’t real. It can’t be. I feel numb and hollow as Kane gently latches onto my hand and leads me out to hi
s SUV. I look dully at the world around me, realizing everything is changing again, and when I come back, if I succeed in saving Jimmie, Griffin, and myself, Lev will truly be dead—and I will have killed him.
How can I live with this? But can I let him go on hurting those I love?
Kane opens the passenger door. I get in and stare out the windshield, numb. Somehow I’m aware most of the day has fled and dusk is approaching. Maybe it’s fitting, considering how things have been going. I’m shivering, my arms folded across my chest, trying to garner warmth by rubbing my hands up and down my arms. I feel the goose bumps stippling my flesh even though it’s still so hot out here and summer shows no sign of leaving this sleepy little town behind.
I close my eyes and lean against the seat, trying to relax, but my heart won’t slow down long enough. Part of me just wants to fling the door open and throw my body outside, hoping the fact we’re going sixty-five won’t hurt too much. But then Lev would still win, wouldn’t he?
“You okay over there? You look really pale.” I feel his gaze, but I don’t want to talk. “Lizzie?”
Silence isn’t really an option, so I mutter, “I’m fine.”
“It won’t be much longer. Just hang in there, and I promise you Lev won’t bother you anymore.”
Once again I hear that little voice inside warning me something feels so wrong with this. My stomach feels like it’s tied in knots, and heartburn claws at my belly.
“What if I can’t go through with this? I don’t know if I’m strong enough, Kane.”
He glances over at me. “Then I can promise you’ll see someone you love die. He’s that dangerous, Lizzie, and you are the only one who can stop him.”
And then I realize his words are true. No matter what I do, I will be watching someone I love die. It will either be a friend or family member or Lev. I know that right now there’s so much I don’t understand, and I’m angry and hurt by all he has done. I fear him. But the heart doesn’t just stop loving someone overnight. He has been such a big part of my life, and to know that this will really be the end scares me. What if there is something happening I don’t see or understand? What if I am making a mistake? I couldn’t live with that. I’d rather destroy myself.
Desperately trying to calm myself, I close my eyes and try some stupid meditation tricks I once heard about, but no matter what I do, the panic won’t subside. My shoulders ache, and saliva pools in my mouth, all signs my body is hitting that fight-or-flight mode which would normally result in me running away. But there is nowhere to run to where this nightmare won’t find me.
Despite not wanting to, I keep thinking back to those nights when Lev would drape his wings around me and make the world disappear until I felt strong enough to handle it. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’d wish for that these days, just a chance to forget everything for a little while.
“It’s going to be okay, Lizzie. You just have to do this one thing, and after that, your life will get back to the way it was.”
I look out the windows at the darkening world blurring surreally past. “Before when? Before Lev? Before he died? Before what, Kane? It’s not like things have been so great, you know?”
He reaches over, settles his hand atop mine, and squeezes. “It’ll be better. I promise.”
“If you say so.” Yesterday, I felt comforted by his touch, but today, I just feel smothered and frightened, which makes no sense. Something I cannot name is going on. It’s like being in a horror movie and knowing the creature is somewhere around the corner and everywhere I turn, there is a shadow or blur. Where is the real danger? Is it Lev?
“You don’t believe me?” His voice is incredulous. Next thing I know, I hear the turn signal, and we’re pulling to the side of the road. Once we’ve stopped, he slips his hand beneath my chin and turns me to face the darkness in his eyes.
“Shouldn’t we hurry?” Why has he even stopped, I wonder. I mean, if Jayzee is in so much danger, this isn’t the time to chat.
He frowns, but this time it seems different as his teeth clench. It’s almost like he’s frustrated. “I just want you to know I’m trying to help you. Suddenly it seems you have so many doubts.” The finger beneath my chin is pressing until it hurts, but his expression seems so sympathetic and earnest. Part of me is frightened, like I don’t even know this guy. What in the hell is going on?
“I do believe you,” I finally manage. A lie. There’s something I’m missing. But the only way to find out what that is to just keep going and hope it finally manifests itself. This is kind of like looking at a severely tilted abstract art work; once I straighten it, the picture will likely be different. I’ll see things I didn’t before. Somehow Kane has been the one always there to help, yet he doesn’t act like a teenage guy, and I know he’s an angel. It seems his ultimate goal is not about me, but Lev. And where have I learned so much about Lev’s motives? Kane.
I swallow hard, suddenly realizing that even though this SUV is large, it feels way too confining; I’m too damned close to Kane. The best I can do is pretend all this is normal, even though it isn’t.
He shakes his head. “I hope so. For both our sakes.” He takes one last look at me before glancing over his shoulder and pulling out into traffic.
The rest of the drive, I make a concerted effort to seem calmer. It’s not that I feel it, but something tells me revealing my true inner turmoil isn’t the best idea, especially not with Kane watching me so closely. Still, my lips feel dried out, so I lick them and take a deep breath.
About thirty minutes later, we pull into the community center’s deserted parking lot. The building seems dark, and there is no sign of Lev’s truck, which only makes me that much more nervous about this plan. For just a second, I think about pointing this out to Kane but quickly decide against it. There’s something so not right about this. But Kane is reaching into the glove box, his demeanor as unchanged by the parking lot as can be—as though he’s anticipated it.
“Wasn’t Jayzee in the hospital?” None of this makes sense.
He nods. “Yeah, but Lev grabbed her from there.”
“How did you know Lev was holding Jayzee?” I finally ask, watching his every move. He pulls out a dagger, and even though it’s dark, it seems ordinary. The blade seems dull, incapable of cutting anything.
“Colin called. He was still freaking out.” He looks at the blade one last time before giving it to me. “Keep this ready. I’m not sure what’s going on inside, so we need to be prepared.” He nods to the building. “You ready?” His hand rests on the door handle, so I’m sure telling him I’m not really isn’t going to be a good thing.
“Okay.” I’m trying to get used to the smooth, pearly hilt of the dagger, so fluid beneath my skin imbued with a heat which seems to emanate from within. It takes everything I have to keep from dropping it. My heart speeds up even as I look at the blade, ethereal and surreal as it seems, something I quickly realize that I shouldn’t possess. There is no time. Kane pulls open the door handle and is at once outside, his hair blending with the darkness gathering around us, and as I edge in to meet him, he slips his arm around me, his hand resting at the middle of my back. I flinch at the feel of it. He cocks an eyebrow.
“You all right? You’ve never jumped at me touching you before.”
I shrug. “I’m fine. I just felt a little chill go down my spine, that’s all.” We keep walking, and even though he’s is stepping pretty quickly, I move more slowly, which forces him to sort of drag me along at his pace. As he goes, the arm wrapping around me seems stronger than I remember, adding another layer to the discomfort I’m feeling.
The last rays of the sun have vanished as we walk around the building, and the street lamps outside flicker to life. For a moment, we pause; I look at Kane. “How are we gonna get in?”
He shrugs and grabs the door handle, and the door tugs open easily. “I guess we walk in.” Then he gestures for me to go in first before closely following. His hand finds my back yet again, even tho
ugh I’ve tried to put some space between us.
It’s so dark in the lobby I can barely see anything around us. The silence breathes around us.
“Maybe Colin was wrong. Maybe there’s nobody here,” I say, breathless. I wonder if Kane can hear my heart. Does he know that suddenly I’m questioning everything he’s doing?
“Oh, Lev is here, all right. I feel him.”
I exhale a shaky breath and look at him, but he doesn’t look back. I notice the hard lines carved into his forehead. Determination. He’s too busy focusing on the end of the narrow hall ahead, the same ending that I’m so dreading. Kane speeds his pace until I wonder if I will really be able to keep up. I don’t think so, and I keep flinching as he propels me along, expecting to run into something. I know he’s an angel, but I don’t have his sonar.
It feels like we’re flying, not running, and I’m on the verge of telling him I can’t keep up when suddenly we stop, and I fall spill into the darkness. The blade clatters from my hand to the court—we must be in the gym now—and I sprawl onto my knees, barely keeping my balance enough so my head doesn’t strike the floor. Half of me expects Kane is going to reach out and help me, but the other half knows better. Whatever threads have woven into this moment, I cannot cut them. The cord has become too thick and binding.
My breathing is the only sound I hear as I gasp for air. Breathe in, breathe out. The darkness seems stagnant around me, and for the first time, I’m truly afraid. Frantic, I struggle to my feet and turn a slow circle, trying to sense any presence in the pitch black. Nothing. Where is Kane? Or Lev? Or even Jayzee?
“Kane?” I whisper. “Where are you?” I keep turning that circle, thinking I’ll see him. Instead, it just leaves me dizzy and disoriented. Which way did we come in?
“I’m here,” he calls.
“Where’s Lev?” Another whisper. I don’t even know where the dagger has gone since it flew from my grip.