I stagger, not prepared for this. “So what’s the decision?” I whisper, watching the heavens darken. To the east, I see the storm, the ashen clouds billowing like dirty cotton.
“I can save you that pain and carry your soul.” He closes his eyes and his voice breaks.
“Or?” I demand.
“You can go back and I can try what I know to help you. The pain is immense, Elizabeth. Your screams torment me.”
“Will I make it?” Chills sweep down my spine, and I can’t breathe.
“I don’t know.” His voice is low.
“I don’t care!” I snap. “Take me back—now!”
“All right.” Two solitary tears slip from his eyes, and he nods. For a moment, I just stand there, unsure what I’m getting myself into. Gritting my teeth, I let myself fall into his arms; they close around me.
“I know you’ll do whatever you can,” I whisper, closing my eyes as I prepare for the coming journey.
“I’m scared, Elizabeth. I’ve never been frightened of anything, but this...this hurts.” He kisses my forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I open my eyes in time to see the vortex overhead, spinning like a great hurricane, reaching for us. Gasping, I close my eyes and cling to Lev, knowing if anyone can save me, he can.
“Elizabeth!”
Pain impales my chest, and I can’t breathe. It’s the dagger, I know. I have to get it out. I reach for it, but my fingers slip amid the blood. I scream.
“It hurts! Get it out!”
Hands gently take mine and pull them away.
“Elizabeth, I’ll take care of it. You need to lie still.”
Nausea and pain; I can’t take it anymore. I vomit, and it chokes me until someone turns me on my side and the pain explodes again. I fall forward but those hands catch and hold me, hands that drive away the cold.
“Easy,” Lev whispers as he lays me back down; I gasp for air—not enough. It’ll never be enough. More screams, wordless.
“I’m going to pull out the dagger, baby,” Lev says through the haze. “I need you to hold still.”
“I can’t,” I whimper, my body spasming uncontrollably as I roll into a fetal position, trying to condense my body into itself.
“I’m going to hold you down. I need to get it out.” His voice is uneven, and I feel his hands gently press me onto my back, his palm on my shoulder. “Here goes.”
Suddenly the world turns to fire, the pain so intense I can’t scream; I can only drown in the air I’ve taken in; the pain rebounds again and again, a trapped bullet with energy to burn, and every time it zips through me, I jerk in a violent spasm. Inside, I’m screaming, my thoughts telling Lev I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. It’s too much.
“I know, baby. I know.” His voice is inside my head, soothing , but the pain is too intense. My body is writhing on fire, forcing Lev to hold me as he presses against the wound—applying pressure that feels like being stabbed all over again. I need it to stop.
“Lev!” It’s all I can manage. My eyes open wide, and I find myself staring, his huge blue eyes and blond hair illuminating the darkness around us as he sits by my side and gently pulls me to a sitting position against him, his hand still pressuring the wound, probably to staunch the blood flow. I’m shaking so hard.
“I can’t…do… this.”
“You can.” He wraps his arms around me and laces his fingers with mine. “Anytime you think you can’t, squeeze my hand. I’m here, and I have too much to tell you for you to give up.”
A soft glow begins to radiate from his body, and the longer I lie there with my eyes half-closed, the more my mind begs for unconsciousness, the light becoming increasingly brighter until it swallows us both. Light and heat.
A sluggishness creeps over me, the same feeling as when I’m trying to run as fast as I can in a dream but my feet are all but stationary. Even my heart rate seems to decelerate, confusing me, but when I struggle to breathe, it’s not from lethargy.
“What’s happening?” I ask, gasping for air. Sweat beads upon my forehead.
“I’m helping your body fight back.”
I hear the edge in his voice, as though the sound itself is unraveling; his breathing comes out in labored gasps. The pain courses through me, unhindered, and I clench my fingers around his hand, whimpering. Then suddenly it feels like a great blanket has muffled the pain, dulling it y so I can breathe just a little easier. For the first time, I am able to open my eyes and take in something of the world around me. It’s not much, but it’s enough to see Lev’s haggard face. Hi shimmer is weak, and that’s when I realize what he’s doing.
“Stop!” I snap between clenched teeth. “Stop it right now.” I want to sound angry and tough—anything to disrupt his efforts.
“You’re worth it,” he murmurs, his hand stroking mine, easing my clenched grip.
“No, not considering what it is doing to you.” I try to struggle out of his grip, but the pain redoubles itself. Lev’s hands gently guide me back to a reclining position.
“You aren’t ready to get up, Elizabeth. You’re still bleeding and weak. There’s more to be done.”
“No.” I try to struggle, but he won’t let me. “Whatever you are doing to help is at your expense.”
“I’m not hurt by this. I promise.” He wipes the sweat from his brow and takes a deep breath. “It merely tires me.” He places his hand over the wound again, the blood looks surreal against his golden skin. I look pale next to him.
Although I’m not sure I believe him. I haven’t got much of a choice unless I want to take a permanent stroll on that beach and leave Jimmie behind forever.
Jimmie.
I try to sit up again, suddenly afraid.
“He’s fine. Celia is with him.” His hands stubbornly refuse to let me up. “But you are going to be another matter if you don’t let me finish.”
My shoulders relax against him, and I close my eyes, resting against him. “What of the other angels?”
“Their energy is scattered, thanks to your sacrifice.” He leans against me, and I hear the labor in his breath. His grip is weakening; I can feel it. But when I look down, I realize the bleeding has slowed considerably. Whatever he is doing is working.
“What happened in the kitchen? What did Evan do to me?”
Lev licks his parched lips. “He broke the mental connection Kane had on you, which made your thoughts your own again. Otherwise, you would have gone into this nightmare believing he was justified in acting against me. He would have convinced you to kill me.” Lev looks down, purposely avoiding my eyes, and I feel him shift uncomfortably beneath my weight.
“I can’t believe I would have done it. I won’t believe that.” I know my words are more for my benefit than Lev’s; I desperately need them to be true. I don’t want to be that monster. Judging from the way he won’t meet my gaze, he doesn’t believe me. “I wouldn’t have, would I?”
He slowly looks up, dazed. “It’s hard to say, and we’ll never know.” He licks his lips again.
“But what do you think?” I press, staring hard at him.
“He would have twisted everything to make you think the only way to save yourself and those you loved was to kill me and ultimately Evan, and Celia as well. He would have taken every shred of truth and ripped it from your life until it was too late and you couldn’t escape what you had done. Then he would have taken the blinders off and showed you the error of your ways.”
An image of Lev dying at my hand leaves me cold, and a shudder runs through me even his warmth cannot quell. Even though he seems focused on dealing with my wound, I know he feels me shaking. Lev has always known more about me than anyone. I close my eyes and try to swallow the enormous guilt, but it blocks my throat and I can’t choke it down.
“There’s no point in dwelling on it, Elizabeth; it will only hurt you.” He’s staring at the slowly healing spot on my chest where the pain is diminishing.
“How can you look
at me after this?” I whisper.
The pressure of his hand falters at my words, and he blinks.
“Lev?” I can feel the rising panic and self-disgust. It’s like somebody has opened the flood gates in my mind and the water has started pouring in with no way to escape.
“I forget how transient humans can be,” he mutters and pulls his hand away to reveal a splotchy but healed mid-section.
“Meaning?” I stare at the skin. Part of me wonders if there will be a scar to mark this moment. Or will my body completely recover?
“There will be a scar. There is only one being who can heal without leaving a mark. I’m just his angel, nothing more.” He grabs a towel from the floor nearby.
“What did you mean about humans being transient?” I look at my shirt, saturated with blood and wonder how I survived. What had Lev done?
“I sped up the rate your body produces new blood and heals itself.” As I stare, waiting for that other answer, he shakes his head. “Elizabeth, for most humans, love is transient. It can exist for a time and die, like any other emotion. But angels don’t work that way. Whether I feel angry or sad or anything in between, that doesn’t change my love for you. When our emotions become as susceptible to change as humans, we are in danger of becoming too mortal for our own good. Colin and Kane found that out, but the thing was, they embraced that transience, and they fell. In short, I think the answer you want is would I still love you even upon the moment of my destruction, even at your hands, right?”
I swallow hard and find myself swimming in those ocean eyes. “Yes.”
“Come here.” He holds his arms open, and I look at my bloody shirt.
“I don’t want to get this on you.”
He sees through the excuse and wriggles his fingers in my direction. “Too late.” Not knowing how else to fight the building fears, I allow myself to walk over to him and slip into his embrace, reveling in the feel of his arms. How long have I been waiting for this moment. I close my eyes and savor the feel of him.
“You are so warm,” I murmur.
Lev slides a finger beneath my chin and lifts it so that I have to face him, my eyes seeking out his. “Relax. There was never a moment I wavered in my devotion to protect you and in my desire to love you. Once you have rested, I’ll tell you the whole of my side, and I think you will understand.”
I avert my gaze. “But how could you still love me, knowing that I could fail so easily? That I could betray you without you ever getting to tell me your side of things? How could you not give up on me?”
He laughs and brushes his thumb across my cheek. “I had a great teacher, my love.”
Stunned, I stand there, enveloped in his arms, unaware of where we may be and past the point of caring. I belong with Lev. Always.
He nods to the hallway and bed. “You need to get cleaned up and get some sleep to help your body get back to normal.”
As I realize he is starting to leave, I grab his hand and force him to turn around. “You will be here when I wake, won’t you?” My voice sounds desperate, and I can’t seem to make it right.
“Of course. Where would you think I’d go?”
I shrug, and he walks away. Even in the dingy light I can see the brightest shimmer of wings, and in that moment, I know I have been touched by grace. I don’t deserve that kind of love. But he’s not asking about what I deserve, only what I want, and I want him, I think, heading to the shower to rinse away the blood of my old life. You know, the one with Kane.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’m still wrapped in the warmth of sleep when I feel the first layer of unconsciousness fall away, thinning the barrier to the waking world. Still exhausted, I force myself toward the light. Some instinct suggests to my sluggish mind there is something urgent about it, but what I cannot remember.
The harder I struggle, the brighter the light I sense above, and when I finally manage to open my eyes, I see daylight seeps in around my curtains and spills into the room. Baffled, I look at the clock: 3:30. I do a double-take. Have I ever slept this late? I stifle a yawn, unsure how long I’ve been out. Even so, I might still need more sleep.
Dragging a hand across my face, I slowly sit up and look around a bedroom I don’t recognize. Perhaps all of this would be too weird, except that Lev lies sleeping on the other side of the bed, one hand draped across his chest and the other placid at his side. I wonder if angels even need sleep. Then again, considering just how much healing me wore Lev down, he might actually have needed to rest.
Considering the quiet and peaceful expression on his face, I should feel calmer than I do, but there’s still this surreal edge to it I can’t shake, and some part of me still expects Kane to charge through that door and grab me. I shiver and close my eyes, hoping to erase those images from my mind, but it doesn’t work. Nothing seems to work.
Lev’s eyelids slowly flutter open, as if he senses the fear quaking through me. Immediately, his eyes find mine, offering solace and calm. The neutral line of his lips slowly tugs upward as he realizes I’m awake.
“I thought I felt you stirring,” he murmurs, slipping one hand atop mine. “How do you feel?” He slowly sits up, his gaze never leaving my mine.
I shake my head. “I…I don’t know. The last few days seem like a blurry memory. Part of me wonders how that could be me acting so stupidly.” I look down at my hand where I spot a cuticle—a great distraction from Lev’s unguarded eyes. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this feeling of having let him down.
“You weren’t stupid, Elizabeth. You were desperate and you needed something to believe in.” He looks away, raking his fingers through his blond hair, brushing it away from his face. “And I wasn’t exactly there to be that something.” He swallows hard, and the hand which lies on the bed clenches the comforter in a white-knuckled grip.
“After Maguire shot you, what happened? Why didn’t you come back to me, or at least say goodbye?”
“I couldn’t.” His blue eyes find mine again, and once more I am arrested by their beauty. “No, I’m not exactly mortal, Elizabeth. But this form is human enough, and it is taxing when I am trapped in something no longer able to sustain life. It weakened me and when I returned to the Upper Realm, I was not myself. I was uncontrollable because of the sudden separation, and Evan did the only thing he thought would help: he erased my memories. Most of that time, I was trying to figure out what happened and how I knew you. By the time all the pieces fell into place, months had passed here. I had seen the pain you were in, and tried to help, which resulted in Kane getting the dagger and threatening to hurt you if I came anywhere near you. I kept telling myself by now you’d be over me. It was stupid, really. But I knew we couldn’t be together, and I had to try to convince myself of something.”
I shiver even though the room is hardly cold. “But I don’t understand. Why couldn’t we be together? What was so wrong with that?”
“It’s not that it was wrong. It’s that…what I am puts you in danger.” He closes his eyes, and I can tell he’s struggling to put his explanation into words. “Not all angels are good, Elizabeth. I’m quite sure you understand that now. But if I had tried to tell you something like this might happen six months ago, you would probably have shrugged it off and downplayed the danger.” I start to argue with him, but he raises his hand and sets his fingers across my lips to silence me. “I know you have a forgiving nature, Elizabeth. You would have given Kane and Colin the benefit of a doubt no matter how much it unnerved you because your nature is inherently good.”
All this feels like it’s leading to something, and if it’s going where I think it is, Lev and I are going to end up having one huge fight. I slowly stand and start pacing the room just to burn away the excess energy I feel cluttering my mind. I look at the carpet instead.
“So, tell me this little experimental hell has taught you something.” My voice is brittle and weak.
“What do you mean?” Lev answers, rising. He steps toward me, but I don’t stop, don
’t allow him to get any closer, knowing there are things I can take and things I can’t.
“Tell me this time you won’t leave.”
“I didn’t want to leave the last time,” he says quietly. “But sometimes it’s not about choice.”
“That doesn’t mean you won’t go away again.” I level a hard gaze at him, hoping I will see what I need in his eyes. I just can’t bear the thought of a life without him.
He steps in front of me so our shoulders run parallel to each other. “Elizabeth, I made a mistake. It’s that simple. I was trying to protect you and almost lost you forever. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that, no matter how long I exist.” His Adam’s apple bobs slightly as he swallows, and his expression seems stark. I’d never expected to see a frightened angel, but there he was, right in front of me, and I was the one who’d taught him both love and fear.
He reaches for my face, but I back away, suddenly afraid. I don’t want to lose him again, and the closer I get to him, the worse it’s going to hurt if he leaves.
“Don’t,” I warn him, stepping back. “Please.”
“Why?” He frowns, and as he concentrates on me, I see the glow of his wings is brighter, more demanding. “What are you not saying?” His voice is scarcely above a whisper, and in that instant, my indestructible angel looks…fragile.
“I love you, Lev. It seems like I’ve always loved you. Maybe it was all the lifetimes we kept finding and losing each other, or some stupid cosmic trick that seems to come out of nowhere. It doesn’t matter. No matter how hard I try not to love you, it won’t work. But I can’t lose you again. If that’s what you’re planning to do, I’d rather you go now, before it gets any harder.” My eyes burn, and I wrap my arms around my body as if that will hold me together.
His eyes widen slightly as though he’s trying to swallow something stuck in his throat. “Is that what you think this is about?” Then, before I can argue, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, our faces inches apart.