~*~
I knock on Sadie’s door just as the first call comes.
“I promise, I’ll explain everything, but first, I need you to text Roh and tell him I’m here and I’m fine,” I say in a rush as soon as she opens the door.
She arches a brow, moves out of the doorway, giving me room to come in, and heads straight for her cell. Her fingers click out the text. I follow her to the kitchen, taking a seat at the bar while she pulls out two wine glasses and fills them to the brim.
After a long drink, she sets down her glass, giving me her full attention. “Okay, what the hell happened?”
She holds up a finger before I can answer, and takes another drink. “If that little fucker did it again, I want to be too drunk to drive out there.”
“It’s not his fault,” I say. My chin begins to quiver, so I gulp down some wine, trying to keep another round of tears at bay.
“Is it Luke?”
I drop my head to the counter, letting the marble cool my cheek. “No. Well sort of. But no.”
She runs her fingers through my hair, pushing it out of my face. “What’s going on sweetie?”
“Kelly’s pregnant.”
“Who the hell’s Kelly?” she asks, her hand stilling on my head.
I spend the next thirty minutes and two glasses of wine reminding her who Kelly is and breaking the baby details down for her. In that time, I send thirteen calls to voicemail—some are from Roh, some are from Hope, but most are from Kellin. I’ve lost count of the texts.
“This isn’t your choice. I mean, not to make alone.” Sadie refills our glasses and tosses the bottle into the recycling. “Does he even know about Luke?”
I shake my head.
“Then he can’t make an informative decision. You need to tell him.”
I shake my head again. “I can’t keep going down the same road, expecting it to be different all of a sudden. I can’t keep getting my hopes up, wanting something that isn’t meant to be. I’m done.” Before she can argue with me, I continue on. “Can I stay with you for a little while? I can’t go back to my place yet, it’s still being sublet.”
“Of course,” she says gently.
“Great. Thanks. I’m going to give Hope a call so she can stop worrying about me and hopefully Mason can get Kellin to give it a rest.”
“Okay.”
I hate the way she’s agreeing with me so easily. Like she knows I’m about to break at any second and doesn’t want to push me. But at the same time, I’m so grateful she isn’t arguing because I am ready to break.
I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep the pain away.
42
Kellin
Six hours and thirty-eight minutes
3:04 AM
It’s been six hours and thirty-eight minutes since I realized she was gone.
She went back home. No discussion. No goodbye.
I called her until my brother told me she had contacted Hope and asked me to leave her alone.
I guess that’s it.
She’s gone back to marry Luke. I might have a kid on the way. The summer’s just about over. It’s not exactly how I saw this ending, but it is what it is.
I wish I could sleep just to escape the nightmare that is my life.
But sleep eludes me because I don’t have her warm body pressed to mine. I don’t have her scent flooding my senses or her hair brushing against my arm. My bed is empty. My heart is empty. But my head is too goddamn full.
After my breakup with Kelly, I thought being left with the Why was the hardest thing, but being left with the What if is so much worse.
I want to scream. I want to punch the walls and throw whatever I can get my hands on.
I want to go to Ohio and drag her back here, into my home, into my bed, and wrap my arms around her.
But I don’t do any of the things I want. Instead, I lie in my empty bed, staring up at the ceiling, praying for sleep to consume me.
~*~
10:10 AM
“My appointment is the first Tuesday of next month,” Kelly says as she pours herself a cup of coffee. “Make sure you’re available.”
I yawn into my hand, exhausted from my lack of sleep. Hopefully this means I’ll be able to sleep tonight. “Yeah, okay. How soon is it safe to have the paternity test done?”
“I’m not sure, but I mean, does it really matter? If we’re going to be together, you’ll be daddy no matter what.”
I pull a bowl out of the cabinet and slam the door closed with more force than is necessary. “I said we could give it a try and see how things go. That’s it. I never said we were together. And it does matter. For more reasons than I can name.”
I ignore her pouty lips and open the fridge, searching for the gallon of milk. Coming up empty, I slam that door too. “Did you use the rest of my milk in your coffee?”
“Dairy is good for the baby.” She takes a sip, peaking at me over the rim.
“Coffee isn’t good for the baby.”
“It’s decaf,” she shoots back.
I put the bowl back into the cabinet and leave her in the kitchen by herself as I lower myself onto the couch. I don’t want to kick her out, but I hope she leaves soon. When I called her this morning to tell her I was willing to see how the next six months go before she has the baby, I didn’t mean it as an invitation to come hang out right this minute. I thought we’d start slow. Maybe lunch after doctor’s appointments or a movie or something.
Obviously she and I are on two different pages. I guess it doesn’t really matter because either way, our book is ending with a baby.
Roh emerges from the bathroom, a trail of steam following in his wake. He drops beside me, running his hands through his wet hair. And then as if sensing Kelly’s presence, he leans forward, peering into the kitchen. She wiggles her fingers at him in a wave and he sits back, his head turning slowly to look at me. I hear his tongue ring click against the back of his teeth.
“What the hell is she doing here?”
I sigh. This is something that’s going to be happening now. He needs to get used to it. “She came by to tell me about her next appointment. Be nice to her.”
“Phones serve the same purpose.”
I shrug.
“Is she finished telling you?”
“I think so.”
“Hey, Kelly, Jimmy and I are headed out. You need to bounce, sugar.”
I try not to laugh when Kelly smiles at the endearment. Roh doesn’t do pet names. He does shitty nicknames that you don’t know are insulting unless he explains it to you. Sugar is one of them. It might taste sweet, but the whole time you’re enjoying it, it’s secretly rotting your teeth and putting your general health at risk.
“Okay,” she pushes back her chair, walking out of my line of sight. I hear her coffee splash into the sink, which pisses me off. My stomach growls, apparently just as annoyed.
“Call me later,” she murmurs, running her finger along my shoulders as she passes. Her skirt sways with the swing of her hips, catching both my and Roh’s attention until she disappears out the door.
“She does have a nice ass, though,” Roh breathes, pulling on his brow piercing.
“Do you do that with every girl I date?”
“What?”
“Check them out like that? Did you do that with Misty?” As soon as I say her name, my gut clenches, reminding me she’s no longer here.
Roh shakes his head, regarding me seriously. “No. Not with her.”
“Why not?” I ask, insulted and relieved at the same time.
“She’s hot. I noticed that because I have eyeballs. But seriously, I never looked at her that way. Not the way I look at Kelly. Kelly’s a hoodrat. Her only redeeming qualities are the way she looks, and the kid she’s carrying—if it’s yours. But Misty is your four-leaf clover. I wouldn’t even consider treating her the same.”
“My four-leaf clover?”
“Hard to find, once in a lifetime, once you have it you hold
onto it, etcetera.”
I look away. I don’t want to hear that shit.
“That’s over. She went back to Luke. And I’m going to see this baby shit through with Kelly. For once, I’m choosing a girl for the right reason.”
His brows crinkle and rise simultaneously. “And what’s that?”
I shoot him a dumbfounded look. “She’s pregnant.”
He drops his head, shaking it slowly. “A baby is not an automatic reason to be with someone. Especially when that someone cheated on you and treated you like shit.”
“Then what is?” I need to know. “What’s the correct answer here? What is the magical reason two people should be together?”
“Love, dumbass.”
I push myself off the couch, my hands fisted at my sides. “Nope. That’s not it either. I love Misty and she’s gone.”
43
Misty
Nearly three weeks
I’m back in my apartment and school starts in a few days. Everything is back to normal.
Everything except the way I feel inside.
It’s been nearly three weeks and I keep waiting for this sick ache to go away or at least alleviate a little bit.
It hasn’t yet.
Maybe it will be better when I’m busy with school.
I don’t bother to change out of my pajamas before I go to the store. I throw my hair into a ponytail, slip on my flip-flops, and go. I’m on a mission for comfort food. All things chocolate.
As I roll the cart down the aisles, I realize everything reminds me of Kellin. The pasta section reminds me of his love of cooking. The Nesquik display reminds me of…so much. And the baby aisle, I hurry past it quickly, trying to block that reminder from entering my brain.
It’s pointless. It never goes away.
I’ve imagined what their baby will look like a million times. I’ve pictured them as a happy little family, shopping, vacationing. Taking camping trips.
And I’ve hoped a million different times the baby ends up not being his. Knowing another woman could be carrying his child fills my veins with bitterness.
This might make me a terrible person. But I can’t even bother to care.
With my cart now filled with way more junk food than I should ever allow myself to purchase with a broken heart, I make my way to the check out.
A familiar head of blonde hair catches my eye, and I try to turn away before he notices me. I make it a couple of feet when I hear my name. I almost ignore him, pretending like I don’t hear him. But I know how incredibly shitty that would be. I pause, waiting for him to catch up to me.
“Hi,” Luke says, his voice low and soft.
“Hi.”
I bite down on my lip, my feet shifting nervously.
“I’m surprised to see you. How are you?”
“I’m…good. How are you?”
He smiles weakly. “Better. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m getting there.”
I want to ask him how long it takes to “get there.” How much longer my chest will feel like someone stomped on it with stilettoes. Miraculously, I’m not that selfish.
“You look good,” I say instead. And he does. He looks as handsome as he always has.
“You look tired.”
I huff out a dry laugh. And then I burst into tears in the middle of the grocery store.
44
Kellin
Three and a half weeks
8:30 PM
“Is this your life now?” Roh sits across the table from me, watching me shovel spaghetti into my mouth. I ignore him, adding more cheese and taking another bite.
“Because,” he goes on, placing his hands on top of the table and interlocking his fingers. “I’m just going to say it—you’re going to get fat.”
I glare at him, taking yet another bite.
“First you’ll get fat. Then you’ll get comfortable in a loveless relationship. Next thing you know, you’ll be old and wrinkly, twenty years have passed you by, and you’re miserable.”
I’m pretty miserable now, so…
“Stop eating your feelings. You’re disgusting right now.”
I scoff.
“You have sauce on your face and I don’t even know what the fuck that is on your shirt. When’s the last time you showered?”
I glance down at my shirt and I have no idea what that is either. I scratch my fingernail over the crusty stain and realize he’s right. I am disgusting. I set my fork down. I don’t answer the shower question—it’s been a few days.
“You can’t keep on like this. Either own your decision or change it.” He pushes his chair back, picks up my plate, and dumps the remainder of my spaghetti in the trash before leaving me to think about everything he said.
~*~
11:18 PM
I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t do this.
The touch of her hand feels wrong. The smell of her perfume stings the back of my throat. Even the texture of her hair, stiff with some kind of hair product, makes me want to cringe.
Everything Kelly does annoys me in some way.
The way she hums while she gets ready. The way it takes her an hour to get ready. The way she changes the channel in the middle of a show.
The way she won’t leave.
I’m pretty sure I’m looking for reasons to not like her. Or maybe I’ll have an issue with anything she does differently than Misty.
But what really has me about to lose my shit is the kissing. I was able to get out of it at first, but as the weeks continued on, it became harder and harder to find excuses. “I’m not ready” didn’t even fly.
Every time her lips touch mine, it feels wrong. So wrong, it makes me feel guilty, like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be. Like I’m betraying Misty.
Like I’m lying to myself.
“I promised you I would try, and I did,” I say. Kelly gazes at me, her eyes intent on my face. “I’ll go to all the appointments. I’ll be there for the delivery. And if the baby is mine, I’ll be in his or her life. But I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
“You’re breaking up with me? While I’m pregnant?”
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
I’d rather be alone than live this lie. I don’t love her and I never will. I can’t pretend. And that’s no life for a baby.
She sniffs, swiping at her eyes. “I know I’ve done a lot wrong in the past, but I’m trying to be better. I don’t want to do this alone. Please.”
Fuck.
My heart throbs with her plea. I lean over and pull Kelly in for a hug. “You won’t be alone. I promise. I’ll be there for you. I just can’t be with you. We’re not in love. You know that. You deserve someone that loves you unconditionally.”
I’m just rattling on at this point, trying to say all the things I think she might need to hear. I don’t want to hurt her or stress the baby out. But this is done.
Kelly pulls away. She runs her fingers under her eyes and stands up. “I guess this is for the best. I’m pretty sure the baby’s Doug’s anyways. You probably would have left after the paternity test.”
I don’t know if she’s saying this to hurt me or if it’s because it’s true. Either way, I don’t care. I’m not going back on my word.
~*~
12:32 AM
After Kelly left, I finally showered. Now I’ve just been sitting on the couch, staring at the wall ever since. I’m looking at it, but I don’t see it. My head is full of Truth or Dare and swims in the lake. Nesquik and Nerf gun fights.
It’s full of Misty.
The longer I sit here, staring at this wall, not seeing this wall, the angrier I get. She’s my best friend—outside of Roh. Less than a month ago, I was kissing her lips and making love to her. I was holding her in my arms at night and waking up with her every morning.
She loved me. I know she did. I felt it.
Maybe she loves Luke more. Maybe she’s obligated to him. Maybe the baby was too much.
Maybe she can’t be with
me in the way I want, but she can’t just end our friendship.
In the least, she owes me a proper goodbye.
My foot taps the hardwood floor, my knee bouncing with the movement.
Fuck it.
I shoot off the couch and pad briskly for Roh’s door. I throw it open and flip his light on. “I’m going to Ohio.”
“What? Now?” he croaks, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“If I wait, I might change my mind.” I turn his light off and pivot on my heel.
“Wait,” he calls. “I’m going with you.”
“You want to come with me?” I repeat for verification.
He sits up, swinging his legs off the bed. “You can drop me at Sadie’s.”
45
Misty
I used to love Saturdays.
I used to enjoy having nothing to do for a full day.
Now I hate it. I don’t even have homework because I do it as soon as it’s assigned, just to keep myself busy. Because when I’m busy, I’m not thinking about how miserable I am for those few minutes.
I just finish getting ready for the day when Phil, one of my roommates, lets me know I have a visitor. I assume it’s Sadie. She’s been trying to keep me busy whenever she has free time. Saturdays are usually her catch-up day—laundry, cleaning, homework—but she’s been blowing a lot off for me.
Hell, if she wants me to come help her clean, I’ll do it. Scrubbing toilets has never sounded better, actually.
I grab my purse and hurry out to the living room. My feet falter when I see him standing there. My head tips to the side in confusion.
“I came to take you to breakfast, if you’re free,” Luke says with a soft smile.
I hesitate for a moment, still trying to get over my initial surprise. “Sure,” I utter.
I slide my feet into my shoes and look around for my purse, realizing it’s still on my shoulder. Luke has me completely flustered.
He holds out his hand and I take it, letting him tow me toward the door. Outside, the air is still chilly though the sun is bright. The contrast of the warm sun on my face and the cool breeze blowing gently across my skin makes me shiver.