The whole thing was deeply humiliating and stressful. Danny’s parents were contacted and he confessed to the lie so there was no need for social services to get involved. He was made to apologise and he was excluded from my class, but he was very bitter about it. I’m sure he was being ridiculed by his classmates.
After that, I tried to avoid him wherever possible, but if we passed each other in the school grounds I could sense hostility radiating from him.
Not only did I feel scared, I began to feel bullied and harassed and a shadow of my former self. Ned urged me to go back to the head and insist on a more satisfying resolution, but I couldn’t see the point. I didn’t know what else could be done, and more than that, I was too embarrassed to bring it up again. So I hid away in the staff room whenever I could.
One day, when I was feeling particularly rotten with morning sickness, I stiffened my resolve and went outside for some fresh air.
Danny and his friends were playing football on the field so I steered clear of them, but when the lunch bell rang I noticed one of my female students crying. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, and I was so distracted comforting her that I didn’t see Danny coming.
No one ever claimed to see who kicked the football, but I’m sure it was him, and the force of it slamming into my back sent me stumbling forward, tripping on a step and crashing to the ground.
Whether or not this fall – or even the stress I had been feeling – caused me to miscarry, I’ll never know. But I’m certain that Ned believes it did. And there’s no way to prove otherwise.
At my twelve-week scan two days later, we were told there was no heartbeat. Ned was crushed. When he finally looked at me, I swear I saw accusation in his eyes. I knew he felt that I could have done more to stop the situation with Danny spiralling out of control.
‘Tragedies can bring you closer together,’ I say to Tina quietly. She’s been staring at me with concern while I’ve brought her up to date. ‘But this didn’t. It drove us apart. We could barely look at each other for a long time afterwards, let alone comfort each other, which is awful, because we were both hurting so much.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she murmurs. ‘Have you been trying since?’
‘Not really.’ I sigh. ‘We have sex, obviously, and aren’t careful, but my body clock has been all screwed up, and then I got a new job… Let’s just say that we haven’t been trying very hard.’
The miscarriage and what happened with Danny affected me so badly that Mr Bunton authorised a leave of absence. I couldn’t imagine how I could ever return to the same school, so when I bumped into an old university friend who’d got involved in a start-up in the City, I decided that maybe I needed a change of direction.
The money wouldn’t go amiss, either. Ned and I had been trying for years to save up enough for a deposit on a flat.
But despite my sudden gusto for the idea, Ned disapproved. He couldn’t see me working in the City and thought I should stick to what I knew and loved best, which was teaching.
But I didn’t love it anymore.
He said I just needed a longer break.
But I didn’t want a longer break.
When I handed in my notice, I did so unsupported.
Ned turned out to be right about it all. I didn’t like working in the City. I wasn’t passionate about what I was selling, I found the job and my colleagues daunting and it took me ages to get used to everything. But I was stubborn and I refused to jack it in.
So I put on an act, pretending that I liked my job and loved the money. And the more I did this, the further apart I felt from Ned. I began to resent him because it felt like he’d given up on me – yes, even though I’d brought it all on myself.
Meanwhile, his career went from strength to strength.
I feel a sudden stab of anger now at how Ned allowed himself to get so close to Zara that she felt she could make a pass at him. But my rage is immediately quelled by my own guilt.
I suspect things are going to get even worse before they get better. The thought is a depressing one.
Tina looks dismayed. ‘I can’t believe you’ve had so much going on and I’ve been completely clueless.’
‘You’re so far away. It’s hard. And now that I’m here, I don’t want to bring the mood down. I’d rather go out and have fun.’
‘Yeah, but that’s not right.’ Her forehead is creased with worry lines. ‘I’m supposed to be one of your best friends – I should know what you’re going through.’
I realise I’ve been so set on forgetting my responsibilities when I’ve been out with Tina and Nell that our friendship has been bordering on superficial.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, feeling bad. ‘I just didn’t want to dwell on it, but I should have told you.’
‘It’s okay.’ She smiles sadly. ‘I haven’t really gone into much detail about the big stuff in my life, either.’
‘Like what?’ I ask with a frown.
‘Oh, you know, Josh, primarily – and his commitment issues. I’ve been debating for months about whether or not to leave him and find someone who’s willing to settle down, but I love him and fancy him like mad, so it’s not that simple.’
I reach over and squeeze her hand. She rubs at her nose and laughs lightly, squeezing my hand back before letting it go. ‘Okay, now I’m going to be completely hypocritical and ask if we can change the subject.’
I smile at her and rack my brain for some light relief. A new topic comes to me in an instant. ‘I know what I wanted to ask you. Have you seen Sadie recently?’
‘Last week,’ she replies. ‘Finally came in to get her hair cut. Why?’
I can’t help blurting it out. ‘I caught a glimpse of her at the weekend and couldn’t believe how different she looks now. It’s been about twelve years since I last saw her. She’s put on so much weight!’ I exclaim.
Whatabitchwhatabitchwhatabitch.
‘She’s lost some, actually.’ Tina sounds nonplussed. ‘She’s been going to Weight Watchers for the last few months. Must’ve shed at least a stone.’
‘But she’s huge!’
‘She was bigger before,’ she reveals, not unkindly. ‘She’s still gorgeous, though, I think. Some people can carry it off.’
‘Yeah. I mean, yeah.’ I don’t want to disagree with her, but I’ve never been Sadie’s biggest fan.
Tina tuts, and her next words make me stiffen. ‘Ethan used to give her crap about it.’ She lowers her voice and looks around to check no one is in earshot. ‘Don’t say anything to him, but apparently once he called her a fat cow and told her that she repulsed him.’
What? ‘That’s awful!’ I exclaim, stunned.
‘Yeah,’ she agrees. ‘I could have slapped him when Josh told me, but he said it in confidence so I had to keep it to myself. Forget the fact that he strayed, she should have left him after those comments alone.’
My stomach churns. ‘What do you mean, “strayed”?’
‘His affairs?’ She gives me a look as if to say it should be completely obvious what she’s talking about.
‘What affairs?’
She looks taken aback. ‘I thought he would have told you; you’ve been spending so much time together. You don’t know why they split up?’
I shake my head, feeling queasier by the second.
‘Sadie caught him in his dad’s winery kissing one of the work experience students.’
My mouth falls open. I’m gobsmacked.
‘But that wasn’t the first time. After Penelope was born, she walked in on him in bed with one of his classmates from uni. And to think that Sadie had gone back to work to help pay his fees!’
I’m mute. I can’t believe this. I feel like she’s talking about a complete stranger.
‘I mean, you know I like Ethan,’ she continues, and I jolt at the reminder that we really are talking about the man I’m in love with, ‘but he is such a prick when it comes to women. Sadie’s better off without him.’
What was that I was
saying about things getting worse before they get better?
Chapter 26
I’m distracted for the rest of my meal with Tina, and as soon as I’m back in Dad’s car, I try calling Ethan. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t answer, so I set off for his house. I’m close by, anyway, and I want to see his face when I speak to him.
When I arrive, I drop in via the main house. It’s not like we’ll be attempting to sneak off for a quickie today.
‘Amber!’ Ruth cries, coming to the kitchen door.
‘Hello,’ I reply, wishing I could quell my persistent nausea. ‘How are you?’
‘Really well, thank you. Busy, busy, busy.’
‘I know! I can’t believe the hours you all work. I promise I won’t stay long—’
‘It’s no trouble!’ She cuts me off. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘Oh, no thank you, that’s lovely, but I have to get back to Dad.’
‘How is he?’ she asks sympathetically, and I have to digress while I fill her in. Eventually I get to my reason for coming.
‘Is it okay if I pop in to see Ethan?’
‘Of course it is. He’s in the winery with Justin, our workie.’
‘Thanks.’
A couple of minutes later, I’m silently watching Ethan and the work experience student drain red liquid from one of the large stainless-steel vats. I wait patiently while they finish the task, my head reeling at the thought of Ethan shagging Justin’s young female equivalent.
Eventually Ethan notices me.
‘Hey!’ he exclaims, straightening up.
‘Hi,’ I reply, forcing a smile. ‘Have you got a few minutes?’
‘Er…’ He glances at Justin. ‘Go grab a coffee. Dad’ll be back in a bit, if I’m not.’
‘Okay,’ he replies, while Ethan grabs a towel to clean himself up. He comes my way, raising one eyebrow significantly as he bends down to kiss me on my cheek. I turn my face away slightly and he pulls back, confused.
‘Can we go for a walk?’ I ask.
‘Uh, sure.’
I spin on my heel and set off towards the creek at the bottom of the hill. The rain has let up, but the air is thick with the scent of it, and every time my arm brushes the parallel grapevine, it comes away damper.
‘Is something wrong?’ Ethan asks warily, scanning the vineyard, presumably to clock the whereabouts of his workers.
‘I’ve just had lunch with Tina.’ I glance at him.
‘Was it nice?’ he asks.
‘Yes. It was, except…’
My voice trails off and he looks perplexed. ‘What?’
I decide to come right out and say it. ‘Did you cheat on Sadie?’
He blanches ever so slightly. ‘What did Tina say?’
‘Does it matter? I’m asking you.’
He rips off a vine leaf, causing a spray of rainwater to ricochet towards me. ‘Yes,’ he replies grumpily, tossing it to the ground.
‘How many times?’ I ask.
‘What do you mean?’
‘How many times and how many women?’
‘Why do you want to know?’ He doesn’t wait for me to respond. ‘Sadie and I had issues. We weren’t in love with each other anymore.’
‘So why not divorce her sooner? Why shag around behind her back?’
‘It wasn’t that straightforward,’ he replies. I notice he’s not denying it.
‘She helped pay your way through university and you screwed one of your classmates?’ I give him a dirty look and he has the grace to look ashamed.
‘That wasn’t one of my finer moments,’ he admits.
‘And that was just after Penelope was born?’ My voice is barely more than a whisper; I’m shocked.
‘Tina really shouldn’t be spouting off about this,’ he replies darkly, ripping off another wet vine leaf.
‘You’re the one who did it!’ I erupt. ‘Did you stop fancying Sadie because…’ I can’t even say it out loud.
‘Because she’d put on weight?’ He finishes my sentence for me. ‘Truthfully?’ he asks.
I nod, but I’m already flinching at his answer.
‘Yes,’ he replies, shrugging. ‘But it wasn’t just that. She was insecure before. When she started piling it on, she became unbearable. It’s incredible that we conceived two children at all, considering how rarely we had sex. The real reason she didn’t want to come to your wedding was because she was too embarrassed about you seeing her.’
I shudder at his honesty, even though I asked for it.
Ethan grabs my hand and spins me round to face him. ‘Why does this bother you so much?’
‘Why does it bother me that you cheated on your wife time and time again?’ I ask with disbelief.
Once a cheat, always a cheat… Once a cheat, always a cheat…
He stares down at me with his dark-green eyes. ‘Amber,’ he says reluctantly, his brow furrowed. ‘Don’t you think you’re being a little hypocritical?’
My face falls. For someone who’s supposed to be bright, I’m astonished that I haven’t already conceded this fact. Here I am, pulling him up for being unfaithful to his spouse.
‘Don’t you?’ he demands to know as I turn away and continue to stomp downhill.
‘Maybe,’ I mumble, my eyes on the ground.
Mud is seeping up from beneath the grass, which is already worn with recent tractor tread. My shoes are filthy with it.
We walk the last ten metres in silence. The grapevines are older down here, more gnarled and twisted. We come to a stop at the creek edge and stare down at the brown, bubbling water as it tumbles and races around fallen logs, leaving a foamy, grimy residue in the crevices.
‘Okay, yes,’ I admit, prompting him to glance at me. ‘I am being hypocritical. But I didn’t mean to do this, and I wouldn’t have done it with anyone else,’ I stress. ‘This thing – with you – is different. I’m not just shagging around.’
It’s very subtle, but I swear his shoulders tense up.
A thought occurs to me. ‘Are you?’ I ask, my eyes widening.
‘What?’
‘Are you just shagging around?’
He frowns, and his jaw twitches as he shakes his head. ‘Of course I’m not.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Shut up,’ he says gruffly. ‘Of course I’m not,’ he reiterates.
I let out a small sigh of relief and flop my back against a tree. The movement sends a cascade of raindrops falling down from the leaves onto our heads. I gasp and brush the water off my hair and he smiles and steps towards me, taking my face in his hands.
My heart stutters as I stare up into his eyes, but he’s looking at my lips, and a moment later his mouth is on mine.
I kiss him back, but I don’t melt into him like I usually would. I’m still feeling on edge, and not in a good way.
He breaks away and exhales heavily. ‘What is it?’
I shake my head and stare over his shoulder, my lips forming a straight line. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’
He lets his hands drop from my face.
‘You’re only here for two more weeks,’ he says in a low voice.
‘Am I?’ I don’t wait to find out where he was going with that train of thought. ‘On Sunday night, I told Ned that I thought I wanted a divorce.’
He looks stunned.
‘I don’t know if I meant it,’ I say hurriedly as his expression turns wary. ‘My head is all over the place, but what if I did? What if I decided to stay?’
He shakes his head and turns to face the creek. ‘What do you want me to say?’
My nose begins to prickle. ‘Do you love me, Ethan?’
He glances at me and his eyebrows pull together. ‘Of course I do.’
‘I don’t mean platonically.’
He laughs. ‘Well, no, I think we’ve established that there’s not a whole lot of that going on at the moment.’
I can’t help pursing my lips at him.
‘Fucking hell, A,’ he says gruffly,
pulling me away from the tree trunk and into his arms. He buries his head in my shoulder and holds me so tightly that after a moment some of the tension leaves my body.
‘I don’t know what we’re doing, either,’ he says eventually. ‘But surely it’s too soon to be making massive, life-changing decisions?’
‘So you don’t want me to divorce Ned?’ I ask outright.
‘Christ, I don’t know,’ he replies, a little frustrated. ‘I’m not even divorced myself, yet. Don’t you think we’re jumping the gun?’
I pause a moment before answering. ‘Maybe,’ I agree and he sighs.
‘Listen, I’ve got to get back to work.’ He scratches his head.
I nod curtly. ‘Okay.’
He reaches for my hand and tugs me towards him, bending down to kiss the hollow of my neck. I shiver involuntarily, but I’m still deeply unsettled in the pit of my stomach. When he lets me go, I feel empty.
Chapter 27
Ned is already waiting in the cinema foyer when I arrive for our first official date, and I catch him checking his watch. His face breaks into a bashful smile when he sees me hurrying towards him.
‘I’m so sorry I’m late!’
‘It’s okay,’ he replies, grinning at me and making my heart flip because he’s just as cute as I remembered him.
‘I finished work early and decided to kill time by going shopping, then got stuck in a queue,’ I explain.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ He’s still smiling as he bends down to kiss me hello. I make my own beeline for his cheek, realising too late that he was aiming for my lips. My face heats up as we pull away and I have to fight the urge to cool it down in my cold hands.
‘What shall we see?’ I ask, hoping to distract him by focusing on the film times.
‘Um, it all looks a bit shit, I’m afraid.’ I laugh and he shrugs. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t really think this through. I’ve heard good things about In Bruges but it’s already been and gone. Is there anything you want to see?’
‘Er, I don’t know,’ I reply after scanning the titles. ‘We could do something else?’